Grimmauld Place Family

Summary: Gred and Forge Present: "My Family at Grimmauld Place!" Share the laughter and excitement as Gred shows us all the true meaning of family in this touching and freakishly wrong documentary.
Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter, nor, most unfortunately, do I profit from this story or any others. This story is a repost with very little changed… in fact nothing, because I deleted the wrong story.

Grimmauld Place Family by Nara Occult

Static.

Static.

Close up of Fred Weasley peering into the Camera with a fearless grin.

I'm Gred Weasley, pleased to be of service.

I suppose you're wondering why I'm talking to you? It's simple. A quick little experiment Forge and I decided upon a few days ago. We decided to try out the muggle art of documentary making. Interested yet?

Since we are, if nothing else, competitive and predictable in our needs to piss someone off (pranking is our religion and we are our own gods) we decided we'd each take a camera and make our own documentaries.

This in itself was a major problem. We had to actually go into muggle London, and buy two of these video cameras for ourselves! (Not to mention the embarrassing need for a demonstration of the most basic things about the camera. We said we were Nepalese Sherpas who'd never seen electricity before, but I don't think the salesman believed us.) After that, there was a lotof adjustments needed. I should know, I blew off my own eyebrows accidentally for a whole week. Forge took a picture.

So I spent those eyebrow-less days planning revenge on all the people who laughed at my misfortune. And on the 5th day, Merlin gave me the best idea I'd had, along with the solution to our small electricity/magic quirk. That time, Forge took the explosion (and I won't say where he got hit, only that it took him an hour to stop crying and a further two to walk again.)

But my idea, my beautiful idea, was to liken the inhabitants of Grimmauld Place to one big family. And so this is what you will be watching, my darling hearts. Our freakishly wrong, somewhat-correct-while-being-utterly-incorrect Grimmauld Place family.

Blank screen.
Static.
Screen focuses on Molly Weasley who is in the Kitchen humming as she prepares lunch.

That's mum. My mum, and The Mum of the Grimmauld Place family. As Ronnikins says, she's 'Bloody Scary.' With Capitals. She'll adopt any stray, and is 60 love, 20 worry and 20 pure hellfire. I should know, after all. She's the one that puts food on the table, forces the house's inhabitants to eat and sleep. She's pretty much the thing separating this house from the walking dead. She forces Harry to socialise, holds Ron and Hermione back as much as possible from danger, forces Snape out of his hole (he's in hiding, and it really, really irks him that he has to stay here), prevents myself and Forge from accidentally blowing the place sky high, and basically is the sticky tape holding the whole wretched scene together.

Focus centres on Severus Snape, Former Potions Master of Hogwarts as he grudgingly accepts a cup of coffee from Molly with a scowl.

That's Sevvie. For the longest time everyone thought he'd killed Dumbledore. Well he did really. But he'd sworn a Wizard's Oath to Dumbledore that if ever in that situation, he'd kill him. The Order found proof. That doesn't mean he's much liked over here, oh no. In the Grimmauld Place family, Severus is mum's brother, the ill liked Uncle Snape from the Maternal side. He is also The Black Sheep of this family, he lurks around and generally tries to scare the children. He's Forge and I's most beloved Prankee. But he did feed us information that saved Fleur and Gabrielle…

Screen turns upside down for a moment, then the viewer watches as the stairs are climbed. A door is opened to reveal the two occupants of the room.

Screen focuses on Minerva McGonagall, Head Mistress of Hogwarts and flashes to Alastor Moody, Auror, who are arguing over how to proceed with the war. The Camera zooms in on Minerva McGonagall.

McGonagall is the Grandmother on the Maternal side. In other words, mum's mum. She's stern, and similar enough to a real grandmother that she's likely to make you clean a whole house for a penny you can't even spend anymore, or even worse, for the doing of a good deed. She's the kind with the sharp eyes that inspect you head to toe, and notice that single hair out of place, the non-tucked in shirt and the small stain on your pants. She actually made me sit straighter in my chair one night, and Mum wasn't even there to tell me! McGonagall, like mum, inspires real fear in a person. You don't want to be on their bad side, trust me.

Camera switches to Alastor Moody.

Mad-eye Moody. One hell of a Grandfather on the Maternal side. Mum's dad. One word to describe him is crazy. In-bloody-sane. But also quite cool… He did turn Malfoy into a ferret, after all. Anyone who will do that HAS to get about a billion bonus marks. But he won't take any crap from us. He tolerates our pranks, as long as they're not on him. We tried once… the reaction was sufficiently frightening we've never tried again. Don't want to wake up a chair or something one day. If you're watching… Hi Moody!

Camera cuts off. Black Screen shows for a moment then the downstairs kitchen is shown again. Arthur Weasley and Molly Weasley are having a quiet chat, about things they'd love to do after the War ends. Key words include 'Family Holiday', 'The Burrow' and 'Private Holiday'. Camera zooms on Arthur.

Arthur Weasley. My father. The Father of Grimmauld Place. Haphazard and interested in Muggle culture usually, my father's work at the Ministry has him returning home increasingly grim and worried. Oft portrayed as in the wrong and sheepish (let's not look back on the 'flying car' incident of third year). He's the unfortunate who got swayed into being Molly's handler- the one to placate her when she tries to kill us all for worrying her or doing something exceedingly stupid. (The latter happens surprisingly often.) He's also the opposite of Lucius Malfoy, which is good, because I happen to like my parents happy, and Lucius clearly has a case of the closet. Look at the man… he's got to be a gay in denial. The hair, fashion, general prissiness… and anyone would be frustrated by a relationship with Narcissa, she looks like a real cold fish. It's a definite pity they even slept together enough to conceive Draco, little snot nosed brat that he is. Plus, the Malfoys are just shit at life.

Camera wavers as a loud CRASH is heard in the hallway. Enter Nymphadora Tonks, Auror and daughter of Andromeda and Ted Tonks, who currently has a long plait of grape purple hair, and matching eyebrows and is apologising profusely for disturbing the kitchen's occupants.

Tonks… now Tonks is dad's sister, otherwise known as The Aunt on the Paternal side of the family. She is the most uncoordinated Auror in 35 years, according to a recent survey. Told us herself that she got in based upon her ability to change her features. Her complete inability to hide her feelings is like a fresh burst of air during the war time, trust me, although it's dangerous. She clearly identifies with the cousins more than the uncles. That's cool, we're much more interesting than them.

Camera spans a 360 degree angle, stopping on the window, where 13 people of mixed ages and genders are out side. Camera is turned off, and when turned on again, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Auror, is square in it's sights outside.

Kingsley Shacklebolt is Grimmauld Place's last remaining Uncle. He is the brother of Arthur and Tonks on the Paternal side. He's got some suspiciously McGonagall like tendencies, enough to make me wonder about possible inbreeding. Hell, if you look at my family set up, it is pretty twisted. Shacklebolt is a pretty straightforward guy. He wants to do the right thing so he becomes an Auror. He fights for what he believes in and has the serious, calm 'adult' demeanor. Rarely is Shacklebolt rushed and panicking. He's good enough that he'll play a game of Quidditch with us if we're not on emergency alert. He also gets along well with Bill and Charlie, and thinks fondly of Tonks, if not a little incredulously I believe. He's just the stereotypical good guy pushed into a nasty war.

Camera swaps to Remus Lupin, former DADA teacher at Hogwarts, Werewolf, who is currently umpiring a fierce game of Quidditch and resolving a fight between Ron and Charlie.

Lupin? 'Where does he fit in?' you cry. Fear not, all shall be explained. This is where it gets really freakish. You thought McGonagall and Moody being Snape's parents was wrong? Lupin is Arthur, Tonks and Kingsley's father, making him The Grandfather on the Paternal side. Yep, Lupin is dating his daughter. Ew, that's just wrong on so many levels… anyhow… on with the family tree. Lupin just has that grandfather wisdom, that old-man-who-smoked-too-much-weed-as-a-teen-and-now-understands-the-stars or whatever look to him. He's always there to resolve disputes and offer good advice. Plus, he really cares quite passionately about everyone. Or maybe that's just what he wants us to think?

So who's the lucky lady, you ask?

Camera swerves haphazardly to Poppy Pomfrey, Hogwarts head Nurse.

That's right, Madame Pomfrey of all people is the Grandmother. Paternal side of course. She's caring and gentle, when not utterly exasperated by her parents. She makes us cookies! That's right, Madame Pomfrey, when on vacation, makes cookies. They taste really good too- we were really surprised, 'cause you know her medicine tastes like crap. We agreed to make a healing potion for her in return for a steady supply of those cookies over the holidays. Working with Pomfrey can be trying- apparently experiments that could result in explosion and injury aren't her thing. How boring. It's therefore doubly suitable that she's the Grandma.

Camera is violently knocked by a bludger, before focussing on one Bill Weasley, who apologises for the bludger, before walking to Fleur Delacour and kissing her lightly.

Obviously now we begin to focus on the children. Molly and Arthur have 7 blood children (Although Percy's been crossed of the list for being a complete and utter prat), 3 adopted children and a daughter in law. Bill Weasley, former Gringotts worker is Child 1 and has officially married his former Triwizard contender and also former Gringotts worker Fleur Delacour, The Daughter In-Law, who along with her sister was saved earlier this year while visiting her parents in France. Severus Snape sent information to the order and a rescue mission was put in place, although too late to save Fleur and Gabrielle's parents. Fleur was happily accepted into the family, when she proved she loved Bill even with his scars. Mum and Fleur trade recipes. It's downright scary.

Gabrielle Delacour is sitting demurely on the sidelines, the very picture of innocence, until she jumps up screaming "GO HARRY! GOAL!" ferociously.

Gabrielle… she's an interesting one. While she's been adopted by mum and dad, out of all the people in Grimmauld Place, Gabrielle seems to actually like Snape! She followed him around for two weeks until Snape finally tired of her and snapped at her. Upon Fleur unleashing her (rather formidable, she learned from mum well) temper on Sevvie, he now teaches her basic potions once a week. I rather think he's grown to like her. Gabrielle Delacour is the Sister In-Law of all us kids, but due to her adoption of Uncle Snape, she is also our Cousin on the Maternal side. This all gets slightly more complicated since she has become the Angel of the family. She's cute, loyal, won over the un-winable, and is generally good natured and willing to help. And she loves our family. I think the Veela blood helps too. I also find it funny that the Angel hangs with the Black Sheep.

Charlie Weasley is seen flying through the air dramatically to block a Quaffle, then cheering as he succeeds. Hermione Granger rolls her eyes at his antics from the Sidelines.

Charlie Weasley, Dragon Keeper is Child 2. Girlfriends unknown at this stage, although many a woman has swooned over the Weasley charm, so we're not too worried. Retired from his work in Romania to fight with the Order of the Phoenix.

Hermione Granger, member of the infamous Golden Trio, is Surrogate Child 2 and also the replacement of the original Child 3, because Percy has disowned us. I for one, don't really want him back, stupid prat. Mum and dad, if you're listening, don't be upset, he was a bloody git and you know it. Besides, if it weren't for the fact Hermione actually has a brain, Percy and Hermione are incredibly alike in their regard for work and fun. Sorry Hermione, but it's true.

George Weasley and Lee Jordan take this moment to gang up on Ron, stealing the ball as he protests furiously, and uselessly.

Forge is, obviously, my irrepressible twin. He's Child 4/5 (We share both numbers) and brilliant entrepaneur. Co-owner of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. We quite often pull fabulous pranks together, along with our wondrous companion Lee Jordan.

Lee Jordan meanwhile is an unhappy story. Lee, mate, I'm glad you're here with us, though I wish it were under more pleasant circumstances. Lee's parents fell victim to the Death Eaters, Merlin curse them. We never even saw it coming. Lee, you were a bit of a wreck when you first got here, but it'll be ok mate. We'll get them.

Lee was a bit of a surprise. He's all Cousin. Mum and dad wanted to adopt him straight away, but Lupin, showing undeniable brilliance, quietly suggested it perhaps wasn't a good idea. Lee remembered his parents fiercely, and didn't want them replaced. Tonks and Kingsley, of all people, became his mentors. He'd go to them for company or advice when he didn't come to us. So the sister and brother had a child who is now my very likely retarded cousin. Love you Lee. Much Kisses.

Ron finally manages to get the ball, and flies to Harry, offering him the ball. Before George gets to him, Harry offers a comment to Ron that makes him grin, and they swap brooms midair in a move that has Hermione gasping, and Ron flies off, clearly elated to be on the Firebolt.

Ronald Weasley, my youngest/younger brother is Child 6. He's a bit of a whiner, and is pretty annoying a lot of the time if you ask me. That said, he, along with Hermione and Harry, faced up to he-who-should-really-get-a-better-name, which shows there's got to be something going for him, right?

Well that and we think Hermione has a thing for him, and she's always right. Harry Potter, Saviour of the Wizarding world as we know it, is Surrogate Child 1. I swear the first time mum saw him her adoption senses went overtime. It's the unbrushable hair, the general straggly look, his nasty muggle parents and the glasses. It screams "I'm vulnerable! Adopt me and protect me with your awful ferociousness!". Harry doesn't seem to mind too much though, admittedly, I wouldn't either if I had to live with his aunt, uncle and their pig. cough oops, I meant son.

Finally, we focus on the last two, Neville Longbottom, son of Alice and Frank Longbottom and Ginerva Weasley. Ginny is grinning, waiting with anticipation and excitement for the ball to come her way. Neville looks rather nervous, and is shaking and fumbling around on the broom, which seems to be shuddering midair.

Ginny is my youngest sibling, the little sister and the one who benefits least from having Ron as a brother. Apparently he's absurdly over-protective. She is Child 7, and has a fiery temper and Hermione's common sense, not to mention that vague, impossible-to-understand girl sense. In third year (Her first year) you may recall she got a nasty diary courtesy of Lucius Malfoy, and spent a happy vacation with Voldetto. Bad things happened. Harry saved the day. All is well again. Her and Harry have some kind of retarded thing going on, myself and Forge prefer to wait and watch, since it's obvious they're not getting anywhere fast.

Neville Longbottom is staying with us, as his grandmother was worried about being attacked. He seems to be finding a fledgling friendship in Ginny, though merely talking to her reduced him to a dead faint the first day he was here. It was great- he woke up with a trademark Gred & Forge Moustache™.

…Ouch. Neville just forgot that when you catch the Quaffle, it's a good idea to stay on your broom. Good thing Grandma Pomfrey is here! So as Neville's broken leg is set, and Sevvie is tugged outside by Gabrielle (looking a tad sour and bewildered), Fleur and Bill make out on the picnic rug (which is total over-kill), Hermione scolds Ron and Harry and Ginny looks flustered over poor Neville, I figure it's a good thing I'm here to get all these moments on film.

After all, I'm family, right?

The End

Author's Note:
A rather crappy but possibly helpful 'Grimmauld Place Family' Family Tree can be found by any interested by simply copying and pasting the URL below. The URL is comprised of the 3 lines below but you must take out all the spaces and change (percent symbol) to an actual percentage symbol (using shift key and 5). If you miss even one space, it won't work!

http:// img. photobucket. com/
albums/v608/x11xpugs/
Shameless (percent symbol) 20Self (percent symbol) 20Promotion /FamilyConnections. jpg