Wintersong
Mac dragged her bags the last steps to her room and let go with a relieved sigh when she finally reached it. After unlocking and opening the door she bent down to grab the handles again and pulled them behind her for another couple of feet until she could bar out reality with a kick of her foot.
Exhausted she fell onto her bed and moved her arm to cover her eyes. This hotel in Islamabad was certainly no five star Ritz Carlton, but right now, after more than an week of sleeping in little huts, caves and even their vehicle, it definitely felt like it.
She had been out of town for more than a week, covering the life in a number of small villages in the aftermath of a Taliban attack that had claimed many lifes and left most of the houses in villagers had received threads, stating that they should be expecting punishment for allegedly cooperating with government forces, and the few soldiers that had been placed there for their protection had not been able to prevent the attacks.
She could still smell the remnants of scorched houses and hear the cries of mothers who had lost their husbands and children. In moments like this she struggled with keeping her professional distance, however, she knew that it was up to her to bring the pictures of the suffering of these people into the living rooms around the world.
Right now though, she was exhausted, and she wanted nothing more than to crawl under her sheets and not get up for at least a week. But she had one more day of work ahead of her before she could take some time for herself.
As she was not going home for Christmas she was determined to catch up on some sleep, talk to her family via Skype, which she wasn't able to do as often as she would like, and maybe even manage to read one of the books she had been carrying around with her for months now. Most importantly though, she had to think about her future.
Her employer CNN had given her the option to either continue covering the Middle East, fulfilling her contract that ran for another six months, or to come back stateside on short notice to fill in for an executive producer who had fallen ill. New York would only be a temporary assignment, shortening her existing contract to about three months, and afterwards she had to decide if she wanted to go back to field producing. Mac knew that once back in the States she would probably not be willing to go back into a war zone so easily, so basically she had to decide if she was finished here or if she thought she could still achieve something.
She sighed. Right now wasn't the right moment to think about this, because her train of thought would, without a doubt, lead her to Will. She wouldn't even have to think about going back to New York if there was a chance that that she could see and talk to him, but as it was he hadn't answered a single one of her many emails or voicemails. Nothing... She had been out here for almost nine months now and hadn't heard a word from him, so she had to assume that he was over her and that there was no chance for reconciliation.
Sighing again she forced herself to get up to take a shower, but before that she needed to check her emails in case something important had come up while she had been out of reach. While her laptop booted she picked out some sweats, socks and a warm shirt and put them on the bed before opening her inbox.
There were a few work related messages she would need to answer shortly, and in her private account she found a couple of emails from her family. Smiling she decided to read them after the shower, but she did click on a mail from her friend Julia, a Captain in the US Marine Corps. The subject line read 'urgent', and inside it said to call her immediately after returning to Islamabad, so Mac picked up her phone and dialed her number.
„Hey, Jules! You wanted me to call when I'm back in town?"
„Mac, hi! Great timing, I have... Wait, hang on a sec..." Mac could hear her friend 's muffled voice talking to somebody else while covering the phone with her hand. She took the chance to untie the combat boots she had been wearing on the road and with a relieved sigh she kicked them off, wiggling her toes. Before the five-day-long worn socks could follow though, Jules was back.
„Right, sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, with all your time in the countryside recently you do remember that it's Christmas in a couple of days? Will you be in town?"
Mac sat down on the bed. „Two interviews tomorrow and one more report to send off to Atlanta and then I'm off for the next three days. I thought about going to London, but the flight schedule is so bad that I would spend more time in the air than on the ground. So yeah, I'll be here, why?"
„You've surely heard that there will be an USO Show on base for Christmas? We still got a few tickets for non base-visitors; would you like to join me?" Jules, or Captain Julia Thomas, was working in public relations and was responsible for dealing with the international press corps. She and Mac had become friends when she was still accompanying the embedded press before being promoted and had kept in contact ever since. Though Mac was travelling a lot in Pakistan and the neighbouring countries, her base was in Islamabad where Jules was stationed, so they managed to meet occasionally.
„Christmas? What artist is gonna come out here for the holidays?"
„The ones that help us forget where we are for a little while..."
Mac had to give her that one. „Touché, sorry... Okay, I'll go with you. I don't have anything better to do anyway."
„Don't sound too enthusiastic, you don't have to, you know?" Despite the words Mac could hear that Jules was smiling.
„I'm sorry, but I've been on the road for over a week, three days longer than anticipated. Right now the only thing that can trigger some enthusiasm is a long, hot shower."
„I can take a hint." Jules laughed. „Go, and be at the base gym at seven p.m. on Christmas Eve. I will let security know that you are my guest."
„Thanks, Jules, I'm looking forward to it."
Hanging up Mac smiled. She had no idea what the program looked like, but it would be a nice change, and she was looking forward to spending an evening out. While taking off her clothes and going into the bathroom for her long-awaited shower she was mentally going through her wardrobe. Of course she hadn't brought any formal wear, but she did pack a few nicer pieces in case she had to make a visit to an embassy or attend another high profile event. However, seeing that it was winter with freezing temperatures, her cocktail dress defintetely would have to stay in the closet.
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On Christmas Eve Mac had no problems getting onto the base, and Jules was already waiting for her when she reached the gym. Their seats were good, a little to the side but in the fourth row, so they had a good view of the stage.
While they were waiting for the other seats to fill they were catching up on what had happened in their lifes during the last weeks, only stopping when the lights turned dark and the room quietened down.
Jules commanding officer, Jonathan Royce, was leading through the show and did a fairly good job with a few well-placed jokes and an attempt at some parodies, not all of which Mac could match with people she knew. The USO had put together a nice, diverse show with some singers and bands as well as comedians and even some artists from Cirque du Soleil, all of who were well received by their audience.
After about two thirds of the program Royce entered the temporary stage again. „Thank you very much, Joe, for spending your Christmas with us. That was truly wonderful. Now I unfortunately have to announce a change to the original program. The 'Cheering Hearts' had to cancel due to illness but USO organized a last minute replacement, one I am very curious about, I have to admit. Please welcome ACN news anchor Will McAvoy!"
The audience broke into applause, though some of the soldiers shrugged there shoulders because they didn't know the name, while Mac went white as a sheet and clung to the arms of her chair. With wide eyes she stared at the stage Will was just entering, carrying a stool as well as a guitar she immediately recognized as his.
Jules noticed the sudden shift in Mac's composure and looked at her. „Is everything alright?"
Mac nodded, but her voice was pressed. „Fine."
Her friend gave her a sceptical stare but couldn't question her further as the room went quiet.
Will had put the chair down in the middle of the stage and sat down, strumming his guitar.
„You are probably wondering, what an old news anchor is doing here; it's not like we are delivering good news all that often. But when the 'Cheering Hearts' had to cancel and they were looking for a replacement, my boss, who was a war correspondent in his days, was asked for some on-air talent who could jump in. He actually remembered that I am capable of holding a guitar, and I couldn't think of a better place to be on Christmas, so, here I am to support you guys in the little way I can. Well, how about I just get started – And what would be a better song for that than Jeff Daniels' 'If William Shatner Can, I Can Too'?"
The soldiers laughed and Will started to play, while Mac wasn't able to think straight. Seeing him out of the blue without any premonition seemed to have stalled her brain on the one hand, but at the same time a thousand questions were raining down on her synapses.
What was Will doing here? Did he know that she was in Islamabad? That she was attending this show? What would he do if he found out? Should she let him know she was here? What should she say? What would he say?
Not taking her eyes from him she followed his gaze wandering over the audience and she could immediately tell the moment he noticed her. His eyes grew almost imperceptible larger and stayed on her for a moment before continuing their movement. His voice though didn't falter, but at the end of the song he took a second longer than ususal to go on with his program.
After that he didn't show any sign of confusion or distraction, but Mac noticed that he didn't look over to their side of the room as often as the other, while she herself couldn't take her eyes off him.
He looked good. He was wearing one of the blue sweaters she loved on him, and her fingers almost twitched as she thought about running them through his blonde hair. But overall she sensed a little sadness radiating from him, despite the little jokes he made between the songs, but then she shook her head. She was sitting fifteen feet away from him; how would she be able to tell?
What she could tell, however, was that his voice still had the same effect on her it always had. Hearing it and seeing his fingers play the strings filled her with memories of the evenings he had played for her, only her, and she had loved every minute of it.
From the corner of her eye she noticed that Jules continued to dart glances at her, but she pretended not to notice and kept her eyes on Will.
After the fifth song, rewarded with an enthusiastic round of applause from the crowd, Will paused before speaking again. „As you can see from the choice of music I really didn't have much time to prepare for this show, otherwise I would have played songs more fitting for Christmas. So I do hope you don't mind that I would like to add another song to tonight's list..." Being interrupted by clapping and cheering he smiled.
„Thank you. Well, without wanting to end on a sad note, I have spoken to some of your fellow Marines backstage, and I am sure that just like them every single one of you has people at home that are missed, especially on a day like this. This 'Wintersong' is for all of you."
Although he had just dedicated this song to all the people in the room, Will only looked over the crowd one more time before he settled his eyes on Mac. Letting his fingers run over the strings of his guitar he eased into the song.
„The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around reminders of you
Are everywhere I go
It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me"
Mac had to stifle a sob and lifted her hand to her mouth.
Was Will really singing these words to her?
„When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long
This is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by"
Jules couldn't keep quiet any longer and nudged her arm. „He is staring at you. He can't take his eyes off of you, look at him."
As if she had to be told to do that, but still Mac waved her off without looking at her. „He's not, that must be the light."
„Right..."
„Shhh!"
Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, my love"
Mac realized that she was in shock and she was glad about it, because otherwise she would most probably burst into tears right now. Tears of regret, but also tears of hope. Jules was right, except for an occasional courtesy glance to the side Will hadn't looked at anybody else but her since he had started singing this song. What did this mean? Was he really singing to her?
„Sense the joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there
This is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by"
The last chimes of the song faded away and this song got the most enthusiastic applause yet, having certainly hit a nerve with many of these soldiers being separated from their families. Will smiled and took a bow, thanking them all for their services before he left the stage.
While her boss announced the next artist Jules tried to get Mac to talk; surely she must know this Will McAvoy, who was he?
Mac simply ignored her, still deep in thought. Three more acts followed, but she didn't give them much attention anymore.
She was certain that Will would try to talk to her after the show and she was right. When Jules and she stepped out of the gym he was waiting for her, stepping up to them with a nervous smile.
„Mac..."
„Billy..."
With the two just staring at each other, not saying another word, Jules finally took matters into her own hand and addressed the man obviously captivated by her friend's sight. „Captain Julia Thomas."
Will startled, but finally broke eye contact with Mac to shake the other woman's hand. „Will McAvoy, pleasure to meet you, Ma'am."
Realising that she had been very inpolite Mac touched Jules arm. „Oh, I am sorry. Jules, this is Will, anchor of the last show I produced in New York. Will, my friend Jules from the United States Marine Corps."
Still shaking hands they both nodded, but then Will continued to look at Mac and Jules realized once more that she was the fifth wheel here. „I'll talk to you tomorrow, Mac?"
Her friend nodded absently, but when Jules turned around to leave she gave her a sincere 'Thank you'. With a last smile the captain disappeared among the crowd surrounding them, and despite of all the people Mac felt like she was standing on a lonely island with the man she had longed to see for so long. After another moment of silence the both started to talk at the same time.
„How are you?"
„Mac, can we talk?"
Not knowing what to say she only gave him a tense smile and took his hand to pull him away from the other people. „Not here."
As a number of off base-visitors had been invited to the show, the army had taken care that shuttles to the different hotels would get them back safely. Mac pulled Will into the vehicle that would service her hotel and sat down next to him. „Or do you have to be somewhere?"
Will shook his head. „Let me just send a text to the officer looking after us, not that he thinks I got lost."
Quickly composing and sending off the message he then looked at her. „It's good to see you, Mac."
„You, too."
As the bus started to fill up they didn't say any more, but Mac's heart was beating high up in her throat. She was still confused as hell and didn't have any clue as to his reason for being here, not to speak of his intentions, and it was driving her crazy.
Finally they were dropped off at her hotel and she led him straight up to her room. There were other journalists staying here and Will would surely be recognized by most of them, so they better not give them a reason to write a gossip story about a cable news anchor in a war zone.
When she closed the door behind them there was a moment of awkward silence, and with a nervous wave of her hand she invited him to sit down. „Make yourself comfortable; I'll be right back."
With these words she stepped into the bathroom, shut the door and placed herself in front of the mirror, bracing her hands on the sink. Noticing the faint blush of her cheeks she took a deep breath.
Will was here. Will was here, in her room, waiting for her. But why?
She needed to go out there and talk to him. That song... This was her chance, maybe even their chance...
Pushing herself off the sink she quickly brushed through her hair and checked that the little make-up she had put on for the evening was still in place. Then she walked to the door and after a moment of gathering her thoughts she opened it. Before she could say anything though, Will, sitting on the only chair in the room, beat her to it.
„Why aren't you with your parents over Christmas?"
Mac wandered over to the bed to sit down as well. „I only have a couple of days off for the holidays, so it wouldn't have been worthwhile to fly to England for basically just one afternoon." She paused for a moment before she asked the question that was on her mind. „What are you doing here?"
Will shrugged. „As I said on stage, I was asked if I would fill in for the 'Cheering Hearts', whoever they are, and what would be a greater honor than playing for our troups?"
„Will..." Mac knew that there had to be more behind his decision to show up here and just looked at him.
He sighed. „I didn't know you would be here, you could have been on assignment anywhere. I had a tiny sliver of hope, but... I really wanted to do something for the Americans out here who are so far away from home. Even if you hadn't been here, it just felt... right... And to be honest, it's not like there's a lot keeping me in New York for Christmas these days...
Both thought back to their Christmasses together. They hadn't been a couple long enough to establish any traditions, but it had been two wonderful holiday seasons with just the two of them. Lots of laughing, eating, christmas movie marathons as well as hours and hours in bed.
„I know..." Mac didn't go on but silently acknowledged that even if she had gone home to see her parents, she would have missed Will being there with her. More than here, because she would never have expected him to be in Pakistan, but spending Christmas in England had been something they'd had discussed before.
„That song... It was beautiful..."
„I sang it for you."
A flower seemed to open inside her, releasing a hundred butterflies that were fluttering in her stomach now, and she tried to keep her tears down. „Did you write it?"
„No, it's called 'Wintersong', written by John Davies Cale." Will stopped but then shrugged a little sheepishly. „I heard it the other day and thought it fit perfectly. I've practiced it the last days, just in case..."
Looking up at him Mac gave him a sad smile. „Mmmh... Don't know him, but yeah, it really fits..." Then she winked. „But you do realize that I'm not dead, right?"
When Will gave her a confused look she elaborated. „This one line... 'I see your star up there'. I wasn't sure if the person the song was about isn't dead."
„I actually don't know, but even if... Being without you sometimes felt like you were... The only difference is that I could have hope."
Mac swallowed hard. „Hope for what, Will?"
„Hope for... Come home with me, Mac." The look Will gave her was one of sheer longing, and while one part of her just wanted to fall into his arms she knew it wasn't that easy.
„Even if I could... Why?"
„Because I... This isn't the place for you to be, Mac. You're doing great work, but you belong into a control room. That's what you love to do and..." He ran his hand through his hair. „Every time a news alert for Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iran comes over the ticker I'm short of a heart attack because I fear it says that a journalist has been killed, or a news crew got kidnapped or..."
„So what you're saying is that... you are worried?"
„Actually I am scared shitless..." Will gave her a disarming smile, but couldn't quite hide the emotions behind his words, proving that he was being sincere. Mac's heart jumped at the realization that he cared about her, maybe more than that, but still, a few words weren't enough.
„My contract is not up yet and I don't intend to break it. Besides... Do you only want me to go back so you know that I'm safe?"
Will didn't miss the hope in her eyes and shook his head, his voice soft. „No... I want you to come home because I am in love with you. You might not believe me, but I have never stopped..."
„Billy..." Breathing his name she looked at him; confusion, hope but also disbelieve clearly showing on her face. „But... Oh God, I want to believe you so much, but what about what I did? I..."
„It's okay, Mac... It's... I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt, but I had lots of time to think about what you said in your emails and voicemail messages, and the truth is: It doesn't matter. I can't stop thinking about you, and I am going insane without you. I... I just miss you..."
Biting back her tears Mac shook her head; this couldn't be true. „Maybe it would be good for you to think it over a little more. I... I couldn't..." She took a deep breath. „It wouldn't work if I came back and suddenly all your anger and doubt would be back... I couldn't handle it if you threw me out again..." The last words were spoken very quietly and she looked down at her hands.
It broke Will's heart to see her like this, but he knew that he couldn't expect her to immediately be on the same page as him. After all she had definitely not expected to see him here and certainly felt overrun, while he'd had the chance to prepare for this meeting he had been hoping for. Still, the moment he had seen her in the audience tonight his heart had stopped beating for a moment before he could go on; the thought that this was his chance being in his head for the entire show.
„I was angry, you are right, but I was even more hurt, and the moment you told me I just freaked out. I handled the situation completely wrong and I am so, so sorry, Mac. I should have talked to you instead of shutting you out. I should have asked for your reasons instead of just assuming you didn't love me and wanted to end what we had... I love you, Mac, and I only hope that you still feel the same."
A small smile played around Mac's lips. Will was indeed very convincing and fuck, what man would go into a war zone for a woman if he was't serious? Still she couldn't quite believe this was real.
„It's not my feelings I'm worried about, Will. I just don't know if I can trust your sudden change of heart."
Will chuckled. „Sudden? I admit it took me a while to get over my anger and disappointment, but then I started to think about everything, and for about the past four months I was simply missing you. I just had to get up the courage to face you after the way I acted. I love you, Mac, I really really love you, and I don't want to spend another day without you."
A tiny sob escaped her at these words. „Are you... Billy, for the past nine months I didn't hear a single word from you, and now you come here and... Do you mean what you're saying?"
Instead of answering Will got up from his chair and walked over to Mac, pulling her up by her hands so that she was standing in front of him. „I am so serious that I will ask Charlie Skinner for a position as field reporter if you want to stay here and continue your work..." Now Mac stared at him with wide eyes. „The past doesn't matter anymore, Mac. I am sorry and I love you, that's all that is important. You... You just have to promise me that you will never do it again, I wouldn't survive that."
„Will, what happened back then is and always will be the greatest regret of my life. It will never happen again. The only silver lining I can take from it is that it made me realize how much I really love you."
Visibly relaxing Will gave her a teasing smile. „How much?"
Slowly letting her hand run up his chest to his neck she pulled him down and whispered „This much" before meeting his lips in a tender kiss.
Immediately all the feelings she had tried to forget for so long came back to her and with a sigh she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. She still couldn't believe that they were standing here, but the arms that were sneaking around her waist to pull her closer were unmistakably Will's, just like his tongue that was exploring her mouth with a deep groan. They both couldn't get enough of each other and let their hands roam all over their bodies, but finally Mac broke the kiss to take a deep breath and smiled at him. „Billy?"
„Hmm?" Still distracted by the new-old flame of desire running through his body Will ran his fingers through her hair while his eyes were still fixated on her now swollen lips, ready to dive into another kiss.
Mac dug her fingers into his shirt. „I wasn't completely honest before."
Now he moved his head to be able to look into her eyes. „In what regard?"
„My contract really isn't up for another six months, but CNN has given me the option to go back to New York on short notice to fill in for an EP who has been admitted to the hospital. That would be at least for three months and after that we would start new negotiations if to prolong the contract and on what terms..."
Will didn't immediately say anything, but Mac felt his arms pull her into an even tighter embrace and her head came to rest on his shoulder. Finally she could feel his lips turn into a smile against her forehead. „Does... Does that mean you could be in New York only a few days after I have returned?"
When Mac nodded into his chest he went on. „Does that also mean that in about three months you could join me at ACN to be my EP?"
Hearing the hope in his voice she nodded again and this time she pulled back, mirroring his wide smile. „I was thinking about going back to New York just yesterday, and I was really tempted, but being in the same city with you without knowing if you would want to have anything to do with me..." She let her fingers run through his hair. „You know, just one e-mail or one call would have helped..."
Will sighed. „I know... And I'm sorry... I had to get my head out of my ass first. But I was serious. If it's important for you to stay here, I will move heaven and earth to get an assignment alongside you... Just say the word."
Clearly touched Mac pulled his head down for a tender kiss. „No, but I only love you more for offering it. I can't wait to be in your ear again..." She placed another kiss on his lips and then let her thumbs caress his cheeks. „Merry Christmas, Billy."
„Merry Christmas, my love."
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Wintersong, written by John Davies Cale
Songtext von Wintersong © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Merry Christmas to all of you!