1. This is a fan fiction based on characters owned by DC Comics. I DO NOT OWN THEM. This is just for fun.

2. Just to be safe, I don't own Big Beautiful Women, either. Not that the story has anything to do with BBW... but I thought it worked for a title.

3. This is a femmslash story. If you don't like that sort of thing, you won't like this.

4. Yes, I'm already doing Elseworlds. This is because, within my own Selina/Zatanna canon, I don't think this would happen. But even so, I have more Elseworlds stories in mind. Besides, isn't all fanfiction Elseworlds... ?

5. This is a story request by The Sacred and Profane. Apologies for the time it took to answer.

PART 1

Bruce Wayne would have done anything for a supervillain attack.

He held his head in his hands, groaning inwardly. He was in a situation most men would have nightmares over... and now he understood why.

He was sitting at an outside cafe table, waiting for the food to arrive... with his wife and two of his ex-girlfriends.

And his spouse was near hysterics at his former spouses' stories.

"Seriously, you should've been there!" yelped Zatanna Kyle-Zatara, grinning wide. "There he was, locked in the trunk with all his limps chained, grumbling loud enough for Dad and I to hear!"

Diana Wayne was crying with tears. "Oh, Hera... "

"Tell her the best bit," Selina Kyle-Zatara pushed.

Zatanna took a moment to compose herself, but it was pointless: she was laughing uncontrollably as she started talking again. "He was shuffling inside so much... the trunk was bouncing!"

Bruce's groan became audible as the three women burst into fits of giggles. He really hated Zatanna's tales of when he was learning escape tricks from her father, John Zatara. "Oh, Bruce," Diana sighed. "That would have been a sight to see."

Bruce gave one of his trademark scowls, though the effect was not the same without his cowl. "I think that's enough, Zatanna."

Selina smirked. "Are we embarrassing you, Mr. Big Bad Bat?"

"I don't get embarrassed," Bruce lied.

"Suuuurrre," drawled Selina. She then looked at Zee. "Look at him, sweetheart. I think he's blushing." Bruce let his frown ease as he looked at his ex, AKA the Catwoman, sitting next to his other former girlfriend. Who was now Selina's wife. Life was strange sometimes.

"Aw, we're sorry, darling," said Diana, rubbing Bruce's arm affectionately. "We're only teasing. You must admit, you're an easy target."

Bruce humphed. "Perhaps Selina would like to hear some of your more embarrassing moments, Zatanna."

Zee instantly froze. "Er... "

"You try and tease my magic lady," interrupted Selina, "and I'll scratch your eyes out."

"Thank you, honey," said Zee.

"Because that's my job," continued Selina. Again, the magician went completely still.

"Where's the food?" Bruce asked frustratingly. This little getogether was lasting forever, and he still had no idea why the Kyle-Zataras had invited Diana and he to a lunchtime meal anyway. Not that he did not want to see them, but... everyone knew he was not a people person.

"Maybe she had it," said Selina, nodding in the direction she was looking. The other three at the table followed her gaze, and saw perhaps the biggest woman any of them had ever seen. Well, apart from Orca. "Look at her."

Bruce eyed the obese woman sitting several tables away. Judging by the look of her, she must have been nearly 600 pounds. "There's no excuse for that," he said.

"Bruce, that's terrible," said Diana. "I'm sure she's a very nice woman."

"Are you sure she's just one woman?" quipped Selina.

"Selina!" cried Zatanna. "Diana's right - leave her alone."

"I'm just saying," explained the ex-burglar. "How can someone get themselves in that shape? She's massive... she must be wider than Clayface!"

"Selina," Zee warned.

"She's right," Bruce said. "There's simply no excuse. Think what her cholesterol level is. It's disgraceful."

Diana frowned. "Bruce Wayne, how could you say that? Yes, it's a shame that some people find it hard to control their appetites, but... all women are beautiful."

"I'm not talking in terms of her appearance, Diana. I'm talking about her health."

"I tell you," said Selina, "if I ever got in half that condition, I think I'd voluntarily take one of my nine lives... "

Zatanna glared at her. "Selina... are you serious... ?"

Selina shrugged. "Humans shouldn't be mistaken for blimps. Really, I'm surprised the chair can support her."

Diana looked away from the woman. "Every woman... every person... can have their bodies the way they wish."

"Not if it's life-threatening," said Bruce. "She needs help."

"Why, because she's not a supermodel?" snapped his wife.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it," he grumbled.

Diana looked down. "Yes, I do. But it still wasn't nice." She then turned her attention to the Kyle-Zataras. "Anyway... let's move on. You invited us here to tell us something?"

Before either Selina or Zatanna could respond, the waiter appeared with their order. As the food was placed on the table, Bruce noted Zatanna's body language. The magician had suddenly gone all quiet... but in a different way to before. Something was wrong. She... almost looked pale. But before he could voice his concern, Selina spoke up. "Yes, we do," she said proudly.

"No we don't," Zatanna suddenly said.

Selina darted her head to her wife. "What?"

"We have nothing to tell you," said Zee matter-of-factly. "We just thought we'd catch up with eachother while we have something to eat." Bruce noticed the emphasis on that last word.

Selina looked confused. "Honey... we... "

"Actually, I'm not that hungry now," interrupted the magician. "I think I'll go home."

Blinking, Selina grabbed her wife's hand. "Zee... what's wrong?" Meantime, the Waynes looked at eachother.

"Nothing," replied Zee. "I'm just tired. You stay here and enjoy yourselves. I insist." With that, she stood up quickly and strode off.

Selina simply stared back at her retreating spouse. Diana frowned. "Selina... maybe... "

"Y... yes," she responded. "I... better see what's going on. Er, sorry."

As Selina left the table, the Waynes sat in silence. Eventually Diana said, "What was that about?"

"I have no idea."

"Maybe we should leave," suggested the Amazon.

Bruce nodded. "We could have the meals packaged and take them home."

"Theirs too? We wouldn't want to get fat... would we?" Diana raised an eyebrow.

Bruce sighed. Being a loner was so much easier...

TO BE CONTINUED