Lie Still And Break
by slowrabbits
Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart;
My silent heart, lie still and break
— Christina Rossetti
He longs for her, and it puzzles him why.
It is a normal day in the guild with Natsu picking a fight with him (ignored), Cana with Wakaba and Macao (drinking) and Juvia following him around (ignored, too). He got invitations to sit and laugh and drink, but Gray was already sitting, he doesn't laugh unless necessary, and he tries not to drink because he likes having his wits about him (he is nursing a tankard of beer anyway). Natsu finally bugged off and chose to wage battle with Erza instead. Gajeel is fucking singing like the moron he is again, and Levy stares at the Iron Dragon Slayer with hearts in her eyes. Mirajane is laughing at something Laxus says. Bickslow and Evergreen are arguing. Master is dead to the world, asleep on the counter top after too much wine. Elfman is talking about men again and Gray has to wonder what's with the borderline homoerotic fascination with men the male Strauss has.
And then there was Lucy. Sweet, beautiful Lucy trailing after her main man Natsu, making sure the latter did not get into trouble by way of furniture wreckage or hitting guild members with fire. Smart Lucy talking books with Levy and discussing rune magic with Freed. Kind Lucy checking up on an injured Droy and buying Romeo lunch. She is off limits. She is Natsu's girl, and that makes her the forbidden fruit. Bros before hos, right? And besides, Natsu would kill him for even thinking about Lucy in a less than platonic light.
Gray Fullbuster does not poach on friends' girlfriends.
Still. He smells the sweet magnolias of her shampoo, and it sticks with him even as he tosses and turns in his bed late at night. He sees the way she moves and it drives him nuts when those hips sway, or those legs stretch. He hears her laugh and he ponders what a sad life he had before hearing it. He feels a jolt run through him when she touches him— those small, seemingly insignificant touches that is part of their friendship (but he doesn't like to call it that; the word tastes bitter on his tongue). Her taste is foreign to him, but he wonders about it constantly and he imagines vanilla and pure innocence.
It is wrong, but he wants her.
Its not all about lust, Gray is certain of that. It would have been simple if it was just lust, nothing his hand and over-active imagination couldn't handle. But there is a pang in his chest when she is near, and he's pretty sure that's desperation churning like a hot ball of fire in his gut when she smiles at him. There are those confusing feelings swirling madly in his head that makes him think about a life with her with golden-haired, black eyed children, a picket fence and a dog. Love is a foreign sentiment to him; he has never seen or experienced anything outside of the familial love he felt for his friends. He does not believe in romance, but he's leaning towards the word obsession although he hates, hates, hates the term because he is not some stalker psycho asshole.
All he knows is that she melts the very ice that runs through his veins, that she makes the darkest days seem okay, and that he can never stomach the idea of her with Natsu, not really. Is it love? Gray doesn't do love, so he can't answer that. Obsession is finally starting to sound okay.
It is all his fault that she's over there with Natsu and he's all alone. He's a coward for never telling her how he feels. Even the oblivious Natsu got there first, and that was embarrassing. He has to wonder, what if he'd just told her? What if he just said that he wants to give them a go because she is literally driving him mad? But he doesn't think that was likely to happen, since another thing Gray doesn't do is confessing. Along with liking things to unfold by themselves, Gray is an endurer.
So he sits back and downs his beer in one go. He tells himself loneliness isn't so bad.
Real talk: I used to ship Gralu when I first started watching Fairy Tail. Anyway, I hope you liked that. This is my first FT fic (and my real fic in over a year now). I hope this is me getting back into writing. This is just a headcanon thing about Gray liking Lucy ergo why he's not really letting anyone in (romantically, that is). Idk yo.
Drop by the review box if you can! :D