After The Rain
A.N. I am going to try and post this before I leave 0.o I may fail… The song is after the rain by Cinema Bizarre, I really wanted to use Silent Scream which is possibly the most depressing song I know but it didn't fit what I wanted so here is a different song… If your awesome and review I MAY write another fiction after this 0.o Listen to After the Rain and Silent scream while reading this…
Bitter sweet memories
of a love we had before
Ashley stood in his apartment. His face was busted in and he had a concussion. He felt like shit. No his face felt like shit… he felt worse. He felt worthless, abandoned, moronic. He HATED himself. He wouldn't even look in the mirror. There was nothing to see. There was NOTHING. He had nothing. He had ruined it all. He bit back tears that burned his eyes as the memory flashed back over his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time and it seemed each time the pain in his chest got a little worse a little sharper until he could swear he should be DEAD.
blinded by sanity
what's behind the crimson door?
Ashley was in the bus. He was waiting for Andy. He promised Andy they would go to the local movie theater and do something couple like for the first time. He was nervous, he hadn't actually been on a DATE in a long time. He heard the sound of the door opening and rushed forward hoping it was Andy, it wasn't. He paused as the fan girl smirked at him. He was about to ask her what she wanted when she kissed him. Out of reflex Ash kissed her back.. it was what you did when someone kissed you. The girl parted her lips expectantly and Ash reeled. This was wrong… He didn't want this girl. He stepped away shoving her back but it was to late. Andy stood in the door of the bus eyes wide. A second later their beautiful blue flashed dark and he turned and walked away. Ashley yelled his name and ran after him shoving the slut aside. He missed the door and fell ripping his face into pieces. He felt dizzy and confused. People were coming closer asking him questions… he tried to stand up, he had to find Andy, had to explain. They wouldn't let him. DAMMIT. The medics were worrying over him trying to ask him questions… he really didn't care if he had a concussion, he needed to talk to ANDY.
What happened to my eyes
Incapable of seeing signs
Ashley slammed his fist into the wall in an almost half hearted motion. Tears were beginning to blur his vision. He had seen Andy once since then, just before he was released from the hospital. Andy had told him it was over and walked away before Ash had a chance to say anything. Ashley let his body slide to the floor so his head rested against the wall. He was so stupid, so fucking stupid… He felt the tears warm and oddly comforting pouring down his cheeks. He hit his head against the wall none to gently, his frustration and anger and hate and grief filled him in a horrible torrential flood.
"ANDY." He yelled as loud as he could his voice a heartbreaking plea filled with all the pain he felt.
"Andy, Andy, Andy, what have I done? What have I done," he said and his voice was cut off by tears and fear.
there's just one miracle
That's left of this love
It was hours before Ashley pulled himself from his miserable huddle on the floor. He wanted to stay there and not move until he died. He wasn't worthy of living, he had hurt Andy. He walked to his living room. On the small side table was an album a small photo-album his mother had made for him of him and the band. He dug through it until he found the picture of him and Andy he was looking for. He hugged it to his chest looking at the picture with tears once again blurring his vision... how much could a person cry? He looked down at Andy's laughing blue eyes and felt as if his mangled, torn, and bloody heart was being pulled from his chest. Those eyes would never again look at him like that... never again. He sat on the couch and curled around the photo letting the tears fall again from his eyes. He wanted to go get a drink, to make this pain distant, to drown it, but that was wrong, he had done this, he deserved this... He wasn't going to be drinking again, he wasn't going to be sleeping around either.
After the rain
I still see heaven crying
It had been weeks since that terrible day. The storm of darkness in the band had passed over. Jinxx, CC, and Jake were talking to Ashes atleast. Ashley hated it. he hated that he could feel their pitty. They were the only ones who knew him well enough to know how miserable he was. He was to guilty to drink, to sad to eat, to lonely to want company. He wanted Andy to forgive him, he wanted Andy back in his arms, he wanted the love he had before back. The storm had passed but the pain was far from gone.
After the rain
I still feel no relief
Ashley curled on his side alone in his bed. Mortician's daughter was playing from his iHome as it had been for the last 3 hours. Ashes hadn't moved. Tears left his eyes red and puffy. He felt listless most of the rage and frustration were gone… Andy was gone… All he felt was the over whelming pit of despair. He wanted it all to end. He wanted to kill himself but he wasn't good enough for that. He deserved to suffer because Andy was suffering. Ashes remembered with a sharp pain that Andy's last serious commitment had ended with Scout cheating… Ashley didn't move he just let that little bit of knowledge worm it's way down into his conscience. He let it eat through his already destroyed heart like acid.
cause everything we used to be
and used to feel
He lay there letting the song playing. Andy's voice sunk into his mind: so beautiful, so strong, perfect. With it came floods of memory complete with emotion. The racing of his heart when he realized he was falling for Andy. The frantic pace of it as he kissed Andy for the first time, as he kissed a boy for the first time. The butterflies in his stomach as Andy laughingly tugged Ashes around an amusement park. Memory after memory flooded through him. The sensations of the love he had lost a curious mix of pleasure and the worst pain.
It all becomes so frightening real
after the rain
The feelings that had been so strange to Ashes attacked him. The frantic heart beat, the butterflies in the stomach, all of it, the feelings of being in love that he had felt so rarely. Even the curious reactions his body had to Andy's touches, kisses, even his presence. Each remembered emotion stung his heart so much realer than the room around him. Each imagined touch burned his skin like acid; he wanted more. He lay there not moving and let the memory of the sensations he would never feel again build inside of him. He could already feel his heart closing off. Already it was to late. He would never love anyone the way he loved Andy and he had ruined it.
Rainbow skies turned to grey
Ever since we lost our smile
He finally opened his eyes and night had fallen. He had not moved all day. His face was set in a grim line. His smile that had come so easily in Andy's presence had been slaughtered. He knew Andy wouldn't be smiling anytime soon either, not with the passion they had felt and that thought hurt him more than his own pain ever could. He looked at the room he had once loved. It was nothing, it was pointless, meaningless, nothing meant anything without Andy…
Innocence gone astray
Since the day we said goodbye
His naïve actions ripped him apart. Ever since Andy had walked away he found himself falling down a path he swore he would never follow. He could not eat or sleep he would not drink or party. He was living in a void. The pain in his face and in his head were nothing compared to the pain inside… if anything they were welcome distractions to what he faced inside.
What happened to our dreams
Aborted in this dried out stream
Ashley felt his dreams sliding away. Black Veil Brides was everything, Andy was everything, how could he ever face him… Andy would never listen to the truth of what had happened. His rock star dreams had blackened. His designer degree the future he had seen shining in front of his only a month ago was black and meaningless because that shining future had always involved Andy. Ashley had no idea how time was moving. The lights were off, the doors were closed, the curtains drawn the light did not change. He had unplugged the clocks and turned off the computer he had taken the battery out of his cell phone after Jake, Jinxx, CC, and Sandra had called him frantically for days. He didn't want to talk to them they were only reminders of what he had lost.
There's just one miracle
That's left of this love
Jinxx stood in front of Ashley's door uncomfortably. He had been delegated to do this task since they decided he was the best with emotions. The problem was Ashley wasn't an emotional guy. He wouldn't WANT to talk about it. He would much rather kick Jinxx's ass. Jinxx finally knocked. He waited and waited and tried again. He began to pound on the door. He would think Ashes wasn't home but his car was in the garage and he could hear music playing from inside. He had to know what had happened. Andy was miserable, Ashes was not speaking to any of them… they couldn't run a band this way.
After the rain
I still see heaven crying
Jinxx finally gave up and busted throw the door. He walked through the dark, hot, house. The air was stale as if it had not stirred in days. He began to worry, what if Ash was injured? He had sustained a head injury after all. Jinxx finally found Ash in his bedroom. He almost wished that Ashley HAD been injured. He looked worse than a wreck. His black hair was un-styled and tossed around him and looked as if it hadn't been brushed in days. His waist was far narrower than it should be and his ribs were sticking out. His eyes were red and swollen and they were transfixed on the ceiling. He smelled to, he obviously hadn't bathed in days. Jinxx didn't know what to do. This was the strong and impervious Ashley Purdy completely broken in front of him. 'And I thought Andy was doing badly'
After the rain
I still feel no relief
"I made a mistake Jinxx," Ashley said his voice horse and rasping.
"Andy wont tell any of us what happened," Jinxx said afraid to move to close to his friend.
"She kissed me and I didn't move fast enough, he thinks… he thinks…" Andy's voice broke in pain and Jinxx felt his heart break in sadness for his friends. For Ashley and for Andy and for this whole big mess.
"That you cheated?" Jinxx asked.
"I would never," Ashley said the pain in his voice making Jinxx cringe, "he is to important, no one else mattered. I love him and he doesn't believe it."
"He loves you Ashley." Jinxx said. He sat and waited for a reply he waited for a timeless expanse before heading away from Ashes. He needed Sammi's advice, and Ashley needed Andy.
cause everything we used to be
and used to feel
Andy listened his mind numbed as Sammi and Jinxx told him what Jinxx had saw. Andy felt his heart still. The heart that had been beating bloody, ragged beats against his bruised chest. Ashley… Ashley was injured. Ashes needed him… yet the sight of him and that girl were fresh in Andy's mind. He tried to block out the sound of the last thing he had heard from Ashes. His name yelled in an amount of Agony he had not been able to imagine until he had walked away from Ashes. He went over his memory… he had thought Ashes was pushing her away because he had seen Andy… he went over the memory… there was no way for Ash to have known he was there until AFTER he had pushed the girl away.
It all becomes so frightening real
after the rain
After the rain
The reality of the memory struck him and so did the depth of Ashes pain. Andy was on his feet and shoving CC and Sammi and Jinxx out of his way. He grabbed his car keys and raced to his car. LA was only a few hours away. Those few hours were far to many. Ashley, Ashley hadn't betrayed him, Ashley loved him, Ashley NEEDED him…
I still see heaven crying
After the rain
I still feel no relief
Ashley still had not moved since Jinxx had come to see him. His mind was becoming numb. The pain was taking over. He couldn't even breathe properly anymore. The pain was becoming overwhelming. He heard the door but he couldn't find it in him to groan. He didn't want to be disturbed… He could see in his minds eye Andy as he walked away the pain clouding his dark eyes. It was like watching an Angel cry… it tore him apart.
"Oh God… ASHLEY!" an angel's voice ripped through Ashes' numbness. Andy. Ashley tried to shake his head and found he couldn't move. He tried to speak and could not find his voice. Darkness was descending and Andy's frantic blue eyes shone on him. The last thing he felt before he surrendered to the darkness was the gentle brush of Andy's lips on his…
cause everything we used to be
and used to feel
Ashes awoke in the hospital… Andy was sitting there looking as if he hadn't slept in days…
"I AM SO SORRY." Ash said. Andy shook his head.
"Shhh, Baby, we can talk later." Andy leaned forward and kissed Ashley letting everything he had felt over the last few days pour into the kiss.
"I love you," Ash whispered against Andy's lips… and there was silence in the room.
It all becomes so frightening real
after the rain