My friend and I, have been talking about this story for some time now, and I was bored and finally I've written it! It is extremely weird and random and I just don't know... :) It will contain a bunch of random crack pairings(?) that I don't really ship. Hope you enjoy this weird and random story!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man Belongs to Katsura Hoshino, not me, sadly.

It all started one day—a Saturday to be exact—when Komui thought he the grandest of plans. Allen had been minding his own business reading a book in the Black Order library. It was early, so hardly anyone was in the room, so Allen made the poor mistake of believing that for once in his life in the Black Order, he would get some peace and quiet. Well, granted, he did have at least twenty minutes of somewhat peace and quiet. Somewhat meaning that there was this other person in the room who wasn't exactly the quietest of people. This person, was Komui Lee. Now he was there already when Allen arrived at the library, and at the time the branch officer was silent. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the man was half asleep. It was early after all. But after the man had his coffee that his kind sister had brought to him a little less than an hour ago, he was throwing books around, mumbling loudly to himself, dropping papers, and shouting for Reever's help almost constantly.

Allen tried to ignore it, in fact, he was doing quite the phenomenal job at it too. He hadn't even gotten angry, because he was that kind of a person. After a while, his stomach had grumbled, asking for its next meal. Yes, he had already eaten just over an hour ago, because he does tend to wake up super early and eat just as early, but his stomach apparently already emptied out and was asking for more. He stood up to appease to his stomachs desire, when Komui suddenly snapped out of his chair, tipping the wooden chair to the floor in the process.

"Allen, wait!" he had called out, practically sprinting to where Allen was standing.

Allen waited politely, slightly scared of what the crazy man wanted with him now. He was fearful that the man was going to investigate his arm to check for anything in need of fixing, but was relieved when the branch chief just stood there. "What is it, Komui?"

A wide grin stretched across Komui's pale face. "I just got the perfect idea, and I need your help."

Allen's eyes narrowed with suspicion. It wasn't often that it was Allen in particular that Komui needed for help. Granted, Komui does send him on what Allen would consider an excessive amount of missions. Allen suspects that Komui is trying to keep Lenalee out of harm's way by putting someone else in harm's way. And most of the time, that means Allen. "That depends…" he replied cautiously.

"So you know how animals make a certain noise or whatever that attracts the opposite gender?" Komui questioned with the utmost curiosity. "You know, mainly for mating purposes?"

The white-haired boy gave a frown, already not liking where this conversation was heading. "Yeah, what about it?"

Komui's grin seemed to spread wider than humanly possible in his excitement. "Well, I've been researching and I discovered that many different animals do this to get mates. But then a thought occurred to me, Allen." Komui pause and slung an arm around the uncomfortable Allen's shoulders for added dramatic effect. "Why don't humans do that?"

Allen gave a nervous half smile. "Because they have brains?"

"That's what I thought, too," Komui agreed, but then shook his head, "But then I immediately remembered that all animals also have brains. So that's not an option."

Allen shrugged under Komui's arm. "We have good looks and brains," he tried suggesting.

"You're kind of getting it," Komui praised him with a smile, "but that's not it either. It's because humans have common sense and the ability to use words. But in theory, what if we couldn't talk? How would we be able to get mates?"

Allen scratched at his cheek, with a nervous smile as he tried to wrap him mind around what Komui was saying. He couldn't tell what it was the Komui was insinuating and what Komui was likely going to ask him. He did ask for his help after all…

Komui spoke before Allen could give even a guess at an answer. "We'd have to resort to what many animals do and give a mating call!"

"A mating call?"

"Yes, Allen, a mating call," Komui confirmed with all seriousness.

"And what does any of this have to do with me?" Allen questioned, somewhat scared of what Komui's answer may be.

"I want to test that theory of mine," Komui began. "Can humans perform a mating call—with no words—and successfully attract a mate?"

Allen quickly ducked out of Komui's arm and shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no! I am not doing a mating call! Why would I even do that?"

Komui suddenly flung himself on his knees and gripped his hands together in a pleading manner. "Please, oh please, Allen? I need someone to do this and I wouldn't let my dear young Lenalee do that! And Kanda would kill me if I even spoke of this to him! And Bookman said that Lavi was unavailable! You're the only one! Please?"

The young white-haired exorcist didn't know what to say. It wasn't that he believed that anything was going to happen, because face it, if he even made a single noise that was supposed to be a mating call, the only reaction he'd get would be laughter. What was a mating call supposed to sound like, anyway? And he was greatly scared of what may happen if, by chance, the mating call does work. Who would come? Would he even know the person?

"Why don't you do it?" Allen asked, trying to avert the project on to someone other than himself. "Or Johnny? Or even Reever?"

"I can't do it! I'm the researcher!" Komui whined, still on his knees. "And I want you to do it! Everyone at the Black Order loves you…" At Allen's raised eyebrow, Komui shook his head. "Most of Black Order," Komui corrected himself, "loves you. One person's bound to respond!"

"What if I don't want anyone to respond?" Allen questioned.

"Please Allen? I'll get Jerry to make you favorite food and I'll make sure General Cross remains as far away from you as possible and I'll even lay off on the missions I give you!" Komui was basically begging and pleading at this point. Which, wasn't something Allen was particularly comfortable with.

"Um, only if you promise," Allen reluctantly gave in with an internal groan of complaint. "But only once, if it doesn't work, I'm done. Got that?"

Komui practically burst into tears as he threw his thin, long arms around Allen in a wild hug that involved lots of spinning and squeezing and squealing. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Allen managed to pry himself free from Komui's grip, and sighed loudly. "How am I supposed to do this anyway?"

Komui crossed his arms in thought. "Well, since we're humans, we can make a wide variety of noises. So try to make a noise that isn't a noise you would typically make. Maybe add some movement, like a mating dance or something."

It didn't sound like Komui knew what he was doing, but Allen didn't protested. But he did have to ask. "Should I do this in here or…?"

"In here should be fine," Komui nodded, already focused on Allen as if the boy was just a simple test subject. "Otherwise, we could go to the cafeteria."

Allen was quick to shake his head. "Um, no thanks."

"Alright," Komui waved him off towards an open space by the window. "Try doing it by the window, and do it loudly."

Allen seriously could not believe how it was that he got dragged into doing such a thing. It reminded him of Cross all over again. At least this time around, he didn't have to catch a lion or pay off any unreasonable debts to angry thugs. This time he just had to utterly embarrass himself and ruin his pride for all eternity. Sounds fair.

He dragged himself across the room towards the window as requested by the crazy branch chief, and stood there for a second.

"Go on and open the window," Komui said, "so they can hear you. I promise it's all part of my experiment."

"If anything happens," Allen began, threateningly, "I'm telling everyone it was your fault."

Komui just nodded and urged Allen to go one with the plan as told. While he watched excitedly and expectantly, Allen tried to come up with something. He wondered how he came from reading a book to agreeing to do a mating call for Komui's experiment. He already regretted agreeing to such a thing, but the idea of his favorite food and less missions and being very Cross limited was very enticing.

So, he took in a deep breath, peeked out the window to make sure there was nobody around—even if they were pretty high up in the first place.

Then he made the first noise that came to his mind. And man, was it just ugly. It sounded like a wail that repeatedly broke off and started again. If it wasn't him making the noise, he would have been positive that something was dying. His voice broke several times and he could faintly hear Komui telling him to move something, so he did the next thing that came to mind. He bent his knees out at a 90 degree angle and flung his arms up straight in a pinching manner. For some reason, it reminded him of what a demented crab would look like. To add movement, he waddled back and forth on his feet with his knees still bent and his so-called mating call still going on.

Then he stopped. And waited.

This was originally supposed to be one chapter, but I didn't feel like writing so much in one chapter, so it'll come in a series of short chapters. When I get the time to write, at least. :)

Hope you guys liked it and tell me if you want more.

Have a nice day!