A/N;; So, I had this brilliant idea for a songfic last night, but when I started working on it, I realized it needed a prequel. So, yeah, this is it. I'll probably put up the original songfic as chapter two pretty soon… By the way Lily's point of view will be like this, James's point of view will be like this.
Disclaimer;; I do not own Harry Potter, Lily, James, or anything else you recognize. This amazing song is by the amazing band Bon Jovi, and seeing as I (sadly) do not own them, I do not own the song.
These days
It's hard to have a heart
These dark days, with a war waging around us, reports of deaths and kidnappings in the paper every morning. And every morning, you open the paper, askingyourself, 'Will it be somebody I know?' And you breathe a sigh of relief when you see that it is not family, or a close friend. But then somebody next to you breaks into tears at the sight of those small, black letters, and you feel horrible for being so glad it is them, and not you.
And you lie in bed at night, wondering, how is it you've managed to survive? How is it you manage to keep up your happy façade during the day? How is it you've managed to keep your heart?
It doesn't matter where you come from,
Or who you think you are.
Me? I think I am James Potter, sixth year Gryffindor, Marauder. I think my parents are Harold and Martha Potter, currently residing in Godric's Hollow. I think my best friend is Sirius Black, closely followed by Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. I think I love Lily Evans. In fact, I'm nearly certain about these things, and others.
But so what if I think these things, or even if I am these things? Will it mean anything when I'm cornered in a dark alley by Voldemort, or one of his followers? Will it mean anything when I graduate Hogwarts, and find myself in the big world, out of the protective shell I have always lived in? Or does it even mean anything right now, as I sit by the lake in the sunlight, thinking all these things?
These days,
It's hard just fitting in,
You walk around the school, feeling strangely disconnected. You do not feel a part of them, for reasons unknown. They are, after all, your best friends, your brothers even, and yet, there is some kind of barrier between you.
You never talk about things. You laugh with them, you chat with them, you sit down and plan your next prank on Snivellus with them. But why, you wonder, do you never talk about serious things with them? About the war, about the deaths, about your feelings? Are you really the only one here who thinks and feels?
Why does someone have to lose,
For someone else to win
You realized long ago that the world wasn't fair. It was the small things that don't matter much, at first; it wasn't fair that first years weren't allowed on the Quidditch team, it wasn't fair that Lily was such good friends with Snivellus, but not you, it wasn't fair that Slytherin won the match, not Gryffindor, thanks to fouls that had gone unnoticed by the ref.
But it was much more than that, really. It wasn't fair that because of some maniac's whim, hundreds and thousands of people were dying. It wasn't fair that nearly everybody you knew was suffering somehow, and for no fault of their own. Nothing is fair in this world.
We're all looking for forgiveness,
And someone we can trust
I'd hardly call James Potter a person I can trust. Arrogant, big headed, I'm-just-too-awesome James Potter. The James Potter that makes it a point to ask me out at least once a day and in an extremely embarrassing way at least once a week. The same James Potter who was responsible for the loss of my best friend. In short, the last person in the world I would trust. But is there anybody out there I can trust?
You can't wrap your arms around the world
It all comes down to us
I've always been told I have a saving-people-thing. Maybe I do; thinking about it,I do have it. I don't think it's a bad thing. Except maybe when you realize that you can't save whoever it is, whatever it is. It hurts, realizing that you can't save the world, that at most you can save a friend or two, and what then?
This is the last night
You'll have to be alone
He walked in on me crying, one night. It was getting towards 2AM, and I hadn't expected him. He sort of came out of nowhere; one minute he was there, one minute he wasn't. I don't remember what I was crying about; most likely, I wasn't crying over anything at all. But there are those nights, when you just feel like it's you against the world, and it's all so frustrating and infuriating that all you can do is cry.
I didn't tell him to bugger off; I didn't shoot some witty insult his way. I didn't even hex him when he put his arms around me. I just cried into his shoulder, letting him stroke my hair and comfort me. And I let him, because I needed somebody to hold me, to give me strength. I needed him.
I'll be standing right beside you,
If you can't make it on your own.
Who knows how long we sat there, my arms around her, rocking her gently, listening to the sounds of her sobs. It hurt me, knowing she was so sad. I didn't even know why she was crying; I don't think she knew, either. But I was content holding her like that, knowing she needed me, and that I was saving her.
So walk with me, please
Help me to be strong
The tears stopped coming, after awhile. And after I'd sniffled a bit, wiping the tears off my face, he took my hand, leading me downstairs, outside. The night air was chilly, despite it being late June, and we walked in silence like that, hand in hand, saying nothing, drawing strength from each other.
I'll be the shoulder you can lean on
When everybody's gone
I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to ask her why she had been crying; I wanted to tell her how much I loved her; I wanted to tell her that I'd be always there for her, to hold her and comfort her. But I didn't say a thing, and just kept walking by her side, supporting her. She walked independently, supporting her own weight, but I could see that if I went away, she would fall.
This is the last night,
You'll have to be alone
I could, I thought, see the first rays of sunlight on the horizon. My face was starting to tingle from the cold, but I didn't turn back, or separate our hands. I didn't want to be alone anymore.
I know,
You heard it all before
It must have been around five am, for the sun was already creeping up. This magical moment, which had lasted longer than I could ever have hoped, would come to an end soon. And I just had to give it one last try, though I'd already tried so many times in the past.
"Lily," I whispered, knowing she could hear me despite my low tone, "I love you."
There's nothing worse than living less,
When you yearn for something more
He'd said that before, countless times. But this time it was different, in two ways. The way he said it, quietly, sincerely. I could almost believe him. Almost. And the way it sent shivers down my spine, as if… As if it meant something. Of course it didn't. Or did it? And I suddenly yearned to be closer to him, to be held by him, as I had been earlier… But I couldn't. Because he didn't love me. And I didn't love him.
Makes no sense,
It's hard to understand
I was very suddenly thrust into a whirlwind of feelings, thoughts, sensations. The hand held in his hand was tingling, burning. The silence that had seemed comfortable moments before was suddenly heavy and oppressive. I had to say something; but I didn't know what it was I needed so badly to say. This odd energy was building up inside me; it was a good kind of energy, I think. It made me want to scream, run, jump, do something. But I didn't.
When the something that should fill you up,
Keeps slipping through your hand
And an odd feeling of need, like I was lacking some sort of vital something, almost as if I no longer had access to oxygen, but that wasn't it, because I was breathing fine. But there was still that something missing; that key to whatever was happening to me. But however much I searched, I could find no answer.
This is the last night,
You'll have to be alone
"Lily?"
She wasn't responding. Was that good, or bad? Had I said enough? Was one sentence really enough to express everything I felt?
"I- I know I've said that before, but it's true. The way you were crying tonight, I wanted to cry just seeing you cry. I want to be always there for you when you cry, and even when you don't, just there, you know? I want to know you're not alone."
I'll be standing right beside you
If you can't make it on your own
"Actually, that's not true," my words were beyond my control now, "It's not that I don't want you to be alone. I mean, I don't want you to be alone, but that's not enough. I want you to be with me. And I want to know that me being there means something to you, that I'm helping you, in some way, that, well, it'll sound stupid, you're stronger because I'm there. I want to know I'm supporting you, that you're surviving thanks to me. That sounds selfish, doesn't it? But I'm a selfish person; you know that better than I do. And, well…"
My voice trailed off, ending in silence. I was breathless from my long rant, unsure I had said enough, or perhaps had I said too much? Had I said, at least, the right things?
So walk with me, please
Help me to be strong
"One last thing, and I'll be done, promise. You- you help me, as well. Just walking with you now, it gives me strength, you know. You're helping me. So I want to help you as well…"
I'll be the shoulder you can lean on,
When everybody's gone
He wanted, he said, to help me. Put it like that, it sounds as if I'm some kind of mental case who needs a psychiatrist urgently. But maybe I do need help, in a non-mental case way. Who doesn't need somebody to lean on, especially these days? Somebody you know will always be there for you, even if everybody else has left…
This is the last night
You'll have to be alone
"Lily, I need an answer."
I hadn't planned this, far from it. But I'd suddenly realized, I needed to know. Now that I'd poured out my heart to her, there was no going back.
"Say so, and you'll never be alone. And if you say otherwise… Well, too bad. I'll leave you alone after that."
We're all looking for answers,
We're all down here on our knees
He needed an answer. And I needed an answer, too. I stood there, staring at him. I was vaguely aware that he still held my hand, having gotten used to the tingling. And I needed to give him an answer. But what if I didn't know what my answer was? Five hours ago, I'd have said no. Two hours ago, I'd have given it a shot. And now?
"Lily, I need an answer."
The way he looked at me, pleadingly… In his eyes I could see him begging. For what, though? Would a negative answer relieve him of his suffering?
All anybody really wants,
Is something to believe
I saw her struggle, and I could almost swear she was about to say yes. Perhaps not declare her undying love, but you couldn't expect everything, could you? But apparently I was too fast in believing in happy endings, for her eyes were suddenly cold, and she turned away, running back to the castle. And I was left there, alone, suddenly much colder than I had been.
Enough is enough,
I can't take anymore
And then, I was pissed off. Very, very pissed off. She couldn't give a plain answer? All I'd wanted was a yes or no, but she chose to run, instead of making a choice. I knew why it was like that. She was afraid, though of what I didn't know. Afraid of me, afraid of love. Hell, maybe even afraid of herself. But it made me angry, that she chose to run. Instead of facing her fears, whatever they were, she ran, leaving me alone, and very angry.
Well I'm standing on your front porch,
And kicking down your door
"LILY!"
I bellowed, fully aware that there were already quite a few people in the common room. I couldn't go up to her dorm, of course, but I could stand on the bottom stair and shout her name.
"Lily, come down here this instant! It's no use hiding!"
People were staring at me, but I didn't care. I stood there, shouting, as more and more people came down to see what the noise was about. Mainly boys, seeing as the girls were probably too scared to come down.
"James…"
Her face was tear streaked, and her auburn hair was wild. She looked so sad, and I longed to take her in my arms, as I had only a few hours ago…
"Lily, I told you I need an answer. I meant it."
"James…"
"Please."
"I- I don't know. It's so confusing, and, oh, I don't know! I want to, but I just… I can't. Can you understand that?"
"No, I honestly can't. It's a no, then?"
"I- I guess."
A/N;; PHEW! Finally done with this… I thought it would take a couple hours, instead it took two days of intense work. I'm really happy with the outcome, though. Definitely my best songfic to date. I hope you think so too.
I know I'd update soon, but I'm not so sure about that anymore, considering how long this took, and considering I'm back in school Thursday, and considering I haven't updated Black Sisters in ages, so it's first on my priority list. But I hope I'll have it up by Sunday evening.
Don't forget the little blue-ish button right below this, that's calling your name!