Disclaimer: Mulder & Scully aren't mine, they belong to CC, 1013 and Fox.
Author's note: This one is for a special friend. Happy birthday Joey! I hope you have a great day!
- Scully -
God I was scared. What if he would have pulled the trigger? What if ....? I don't even want to think about it anymore. He didn't and he wouldn't have done it. Or would he, no he wouldn't, he's my partner, my friend. He cares about me. Of course he would never do that to me or would he ....? He called me that night when I was sleeping, not even remembering where he was, if not for the key of his hotel he wouldn't have known. God, he didn't even remember why he was there or how he got there, I had to ask the man of the hotel how long he had been staying there. Lost in the dark, not knowing how to find the way back to his memories. I knew I had to get him out of there, nobody else would do it, nobody else could. And before I knew it I found myself in this house, with Mulder in front of me, pointing a gun at my head. And I'll admit it, I was scared, even though it was Mulder. He didn't know what he was doing, was probably drugged. I trust him with my life, my heart and soul, but I was scared and it confused me. I shouldn't be scared of somebody I trust completely, it feels like betraying the person that you love. I know, don't ask me when that happened. Probably somewhere during the five years we've been working together. Love, it sounds funny when I think of it in one sentence with Mulder. But it belongs there, like the day and the sun and the night and the stars belong together, so do Mulder & love. He might love me, I don't know, and I'll probably never will, I won't ask him and he won't ask me, it's like a silent agreement we have. You love me, I love you, but we don't talk about it. They would use it against us, split us apart and then we would never see each other again. It wouldn't be worth risking everything, or would it?
- Mulder -
What if I would have pulled that trigger, what if I would have shot her, she would have been ... I don't even want to think of that possibility. What happened scared the hell out of me, and I don't know what I would have done if something would have happened. Probably shot myself to follow her wherever she was going, because I can't imagine life without her. She is my life. Without her I wouldn't be where I was today. My partner, my friend, my life and I can't tell her. Oh it's not that she doesn't know of course, she knows I love her, I know she loves me too, but we'll never say it to each other. Never heard of the FBI's most famous rule "though shall not touch your partner" I never gave that rule much thinking, until I met Scully. Then that rule got a whole different meaning. It suddenly meant that I could never tell her I love her, it meant that I will never be able to touch her, to marry her, to have a life with her, like everybody else who loves each other does. Instead of that we're chasing stupid aliens, trying to stay out of trouble all the time, saving each other's lives again and again. And why, don't even ask. If I could I would trade it all for a moment with her, a moment, one single moment, being able to hold her. It's not like I haven't held her in my arms before, but that was different. I could comfort her and that's where I had to stop, I couldn't kiss her tears of fear away, because if I would there wouldn't have been a way back. It feels like balancing on a line, afraid to fall down the wrong way, to the point of no-return. So we'll never tell each other, we stay partners, we work together and cherish the moments, longing for something we'll never be able to have or will we?
- Scully -
I'm lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, my eyes open wide. I've been lying there for hours, trying to get some sleep. Nothing worked, I've tried, but I'm still awake, lying, thinking, dubbing. Should I tell or shouldn't I? Should I risk it or shouldn't I? Asking myself the same questions over and over again. Do you love him? Yes. Do you want to tell him? Yes. Can you tell him? No. So you won't do it? No. And suddenly I realize, it's not the gun that scared me yesterday, it wasn't Mulder either. It was the realization that if something would have happened, I would never be able to tell him the truth. That he doesn't have to be scared that I'll ever leave him, because I can't. Because I love him, because he's my life. Suddenly the decision is very easy, I have to tell him, no matter what the risks will be, you can always take the safe road, and in the end you will say "my life was okay, I managed to live a long and safe life", but does that automatically mean that you lived a happy life? Did you know at the end what it was like to be loved, or were you too afraid to open your heart, because there could be a chance to end up alone again. Did you know what it was like to wake up in the arms of the person who loves you completely, or didn't you want to take that risk either, because you know that in the end it would be over, maybe not after a week or a month. Maybe not even after a year, but in the end you always have to say goodbye, that's life. But if not telling Mulder I love him, means that I'll have to miss all these things, I'll take that risk. I don't want to take the safe and easy road anymore. I want to love and be loved, even if I have to take the bumpy road for that.
- Mulder -
I've been tossing and turning on the couch. Trying to fall asleep, but nothing works. The images of Scully and of what happened the last few days keep replaying in my mind. That's the disadvantage of having a photographic memory. There are times that it comes in easy, and there are times that you could do without it, like now for example. Maybe I should call her, but no that wouldn't be a good idea. She's sleeping, there are people who do sleep at night. People who don't have to call their partner, because the thought of him or her keeps you awake. Because they are not apart, they are lying in the same bed, in each other's arms. Feeling save, feeling loved. Love is worth taking the risks that come along with it, if I never take that risk, I'll never know what would have happened. I have to tell her, I'm going over there right now and ..... Before I can think further, I hear a knock on my door. Who the hell would be knocking on my door at 3 o'clock in the morning? I can't even think of anybody who would be up at this hour. When I look through the peephole of the door, I see who has decided to pay me a late night or maybe it's better to say early morning visit. It's Scully.
- Scully -
I have to talk to him. Any normal person would wait until the next day, but now that I've made the decision, I can't wait any longer. I have to see him, have to tell him, now. So I take my car keys and drive to his apartment in the middle of the night, not even knowing what I'm going to say. When I'm there, I knock at his door, my heart's beating twice as fast as normal. This is it, there's no way back now. I have to tell him. So when he opens the door, in surprise, probably wondering what the hell I'm doing here at this hour, I open my mouth and I say the words.
- Mulder -
I am about to ask her what she is doing here this early in the morning, when she speaks. She says the words I thought I would never hear out of her mouth, at least not when she's speaking at me. "Mulder, I love you" I look at her, speechless, no words coming out of my mouth, not moving a step, not knowing what to answer. Fortunately I find back my ability to speak and move, so that I'm able to take her in my arms, saying the only thing I can say "I love you too", before I lean down to seal the words with a kiss.
The End