A/N This is set in ME3 after the Mars Mission but before going to Palaven's moon. Its Shenko and angtsy. A one shot. I blame my fellow Kaidanites on BSN for this. I keep seeing all this wonderful fanfiction and my own plotbunnies have surfaced.
I unfortunately don't own anything to do with Mass Effect or Kaidan but a girl can dream. I have no beta, so feel free to blame me for any mistakes.
Joker made his cautious way into the mess hall. It was late and the ship was more deserted than usual. He looked for a mug and was about to make himself coffee when Shepard's voice startled at least ten years off his life.
"The coffee's fresh." Joker set down his mug and turned to see Shepard sitting alone at one of the tables in mess hall. He hadn't noticed her when he passed by with the lighting turned down for the night.
"Shit Shepard, you scared me!" Joker muttered. He watched her pick up her coffee mug, start to take a sip, and stop, frowning at the mug and set it down again with a sigh. He filled his mug and pulled down another mug, filling it up and adding lots of sugar and cream, the way he knew Shepard liked it and headed over to her table with both mugs, setting the fresh cup in front of her.
"Here Commander, some coffee with your sugar and cream," he grinned. Shepard finally raised her head but there was no answering smile on her face. Joker bit back the joke he was about to make at the bleak expression on her face.
"Where are we going?" she asked him, running a hand through her red hair. Joker raised an eyebrow at her and leaned back, trying to meet her eyes.
"Uh, well, Palaven...Commander are you okay?" Joker asked her. After all, she had given him the order to go to Palaven, something about rescuing some turian primarch on the Palaven moon.
"Why? Who gives a fuck about Palaven?" she said desperately, her voice rising slightly.
"Commander...Shepard...Kiara..." Joker tried.
"Why aren't I still on the Citadel with him? Some damned Cerberus machine puts him in the ICU and I'm going to get a primarch? Why?" she got up, turning away from him as her voice broke.
Joker closed his eyes briefly, Kaidan, of course. When the ship had been under Cerberus colors, Joker had slipped a picture of Kaidan into her cabin. When he saw her face after the mission on Horizon, he wondered if she threw darts at it.
Joker got up carefully and stepped up behind his friend, his commander. "Kiara, he's going to be all right," he said softly, putting a hand on her trembling shoulder, trying to turn her to face him. She shook her head mutely so he tried again. "You know there's nothing you could do there and you would go crazy waiting for him to wake up. I don't think Dr. Chakwas would leave if he was in real danger and I know she wouldn't lie about it to you." She didn't answer but she did let him turn her around, though she seemed to be fascinated with a spot on the floor. "Chakwas has seen you mad, hell I've seen you mad," he said. "Lying to you would be hazardous to her health." He was sure he saw her lips twitch just slightly.
Joker tugged on her arm to bring her back to the table and their coffee. He urged her back into a chair and sat opposite her. "I heard from Liara it was really bad, that Kaidan got slammed pretty hard but..." he trailed off, not sure where he was going with that.
"You didn't think it would make the amazing Commander Shepard fall apart?" she asked, brushing her bangs out of her green eyes.
"Well, you're the one usually keeping it together, you know, all the time," Joker observed and took a sip of his coffee, and then made a face, almost spitting it back out. "Christ Shepard, your coffee tastes like ass," he grumbled.
"Do I want to know how you're able to be that specific with your comparison?" she asked, smirking lightly.
"Smartass," he replied, pleased to see some of Shepard's humor returning.
Shepard pushed her mugs at him and Joker took all their mugs back to the sink, rinsing them out. Shepard stayed sitting in silence, looking down at the table.
"We argued about Cerberus," she said softly.
Joker returned to her table, shaking his head. "He still doesn't trust you?" he asked.
"Of course he doesn't. Cerberus being on Mars was somehow my fault and I knew all about it. Hell, he suggested I was a puppet under The Illusive Man's control," she said bitterly.
Joker kept his opinions on Alenko's comments to himself. He figured the Commander didn't need to hear that Kaidan Alenko could be a real jackass sometimes.
"I can only imagine his reaction when he heard about the Bahak system and those batarians," Joker commented, wincing internally when he saw the look of pain flash through her eyes at the mention of the batarian colony. "Shit Shepard, I'm sorry."
"We didn't get to that...maybe if that Cerberus...thing..." she trailed off, shaking her head. "I must be nuts, hoping for Kaidan to wake up so he can argue with me again," Shepard said softly.
"Yeah, maybe, but all you're really wishing for is time," Joker replied, smiling his understanding at her. "Somehow we go through our lives thinking there's always gonna be tomorrow, but we should know that it's an easy lie we tell ourselves," he continued, leaning forward slightly. "You know, when I saw you get spaced and it was my fault," he frowned at her when she started to interrupt him and continued. "After I saw you...die...I knew that we don't always have tomorrow. We don't always get a second chance to do things right...to get your crippled ass out of the chair when the whole ship starts going to pieces around you."
"Joker..." Shepard tried.
"No, I have a point somewhere and this is important," he said, pulling slightly on his cap. "See, even after I learned all that, after I saw that we don't get a second chance, except for you..." he grinned slightly and then frowned as he tried to remember what he'd been trying to say. "My point is, I didn't change after figuring that out because it's easier to lie to yourself and convince yourself that we will have tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that because sometimes it's the only damn way to get through the things we do," he finished, exhaling deeply. "Did that make sense at all?"
"I think so...but my getting spaced wasn't your fault you know," Shepard said, frowning at him.
Joker blew out a sharp breath in frustration. "Tell me that is not all you just took from my fabulous speech just now," he said, mock glaring at her. "Hey... Shepard?" Joker began. She raised a brow in inquiry at him. "Do you get the feeling now that the Reapers have come that we're going to be doing a whole lot of convincing ourselves that everything will work out?" he asked her softly.
"Yeah, yeah I do and I think it's going to get harder. I hope you're ready for it," she said, squaring her shoulders and putting on what Joker called her commander face.
"Hey Commander, before you save the galaxy...again, why don't you try to get some sleep?" Joker asked her. "We still have time before we get to Palaven," he urged her.
"I...I tried already," she shook her head.
Joker took in her pale face and the dark smudges under her eyes. "Try again...it would be awfully embarrassing if you got killed by a husk. I mean, come on, it's the Reaper invasion. You should at least survive your fights long enough to fight one."
Shepard shook her head, making a soft sound that was almost a laugh and nodded.
"Wake me when we're 45 minutes out," she ordered, getting up to head to the elevator. Joker limped along beside him and she matched her pace to his slow, cautious one. They rode up to the CIC together and Shepard turned to him with a tired smile. "Thanks, "she said softly.
"Just don't make coffee anymore," her pilot chuckled, and stepped out into the CIC.
She rode the rest of the way up to the loft and looked around the empty quarters. Her ship models, her hamster, even her fish were gone. Probably flushed down the toilet for being part of Cerberus, she thought bitterly. She looked to the empty space on her desk where a picture of Kaidan had once been and sighed softly.
She sat on the edge of her bed, pulling off her boots and changed into a soft t-shirt, crawling under the heavy blankets. She closed her eyes and immediately the image of Kaidan being brutally slammed against the shuttle came to her mind, his beaten, bruised face when they brought him back on the Normandy. This would never do...she took a deep breath and forced those thoughts from her mind. The night before Ilos when he'd spent the night with her, a perfect night. She let her mind drift back to those memories, to the feel of Kaidan's skin against hers, his touch, his warmth, the husky rasp of his voice as he groaned her name.
"Kaidan..."she whispered his name on her lips as she fell asleep.