Authors Note: Ok, so.. this is my first fic. Ever. And English is not my first language, so please keep these things in mind while reading (:.
This fic is set a week after the season 3 finale, and its Derek centered. God bless the ferry boats! Oh, the song is In My Place, by Coldplay.
If I owned it, which I don't, Rose would be sending her resumé to E.R. by now.
Please let me know what you think about it!
In my place, in my place,
Were lines that I couldn't change,
I was lost, oh yeah.
It wasn't a warm, beautiful night. It was a dark, chilly and rather windy night. Or at least that was the way Derek Shepherd believed it should be as he contemplated the sea from the ferryboat he was in. One week ago, he exposed his feelings to... the one. He told her she was the one. The one and only. The love of his life. He told her that he loved her, and that he couldn't go on with the way things were going. He told her he loved her and he wanted to change things - for better, so they could be a couple, a real, actual couple. And then, silence came. She stared and said nothing. "It was over". Over, so over. He still could not understand it.
What happened after the wedding was still a blur in his mind. The confusion, and the hope that maybe, just maybe, the words she said were not meant to him. But the more he thought about that matter, the more convinced he got that those words were specifically directed to him, and informing the others that the wedding was called off was only be a side effect. From what he heard at the hospital, Meredith went with Cristina in her "honey-moon". And the last words she said to him were those at the church. Over, so over.
Derek sighted heavily as he leaned furtherer into the sea, resting the weight of his body on the rail in front of him. As the water trashed back and forward, he wondered what would happen when the so-called honey-moon was over. Would she talk to him or pretend he didn't even exist? After a sleepless week, he wouldn't be able to deal with nonchalant-Meredith - not that all the scotch in the world could make him capable of that.
But in the safety of that lonely night, something felt wrong. She had left. Meredith left. Things weren't supposed to be the same. It should be raining, the sky should be falling apart... Meredith wasn't there anymore. He felt, as cheesy as this may sound, a blank inside of him. A huge, aching blank in the place he was pretty sure his heart used to be.
God, he was pathetic.
And believe - he wanted to be mad at her. Because he had, indeed, all the right to be. He poured his heart out to her and she said it was over. He was even supposed to hate her, but he couldn't do it. As much as he tried to remember of all the things that went wrong, things he could use to blame her, he couldn't manage to do it. He was too weak to be hate her. He had caused her too much pain to be able to blame her. Hating her was.. exhausting.
She had issues. All the issues one could have, and some more. He could say that all that went wrong had been her fault, but deep inside he could only blame himself. If he had only tried harder, pushed harder, made her listen to what he had to say or stood by her whenever she pushed him away... No, he couldn't blame her. Meredith was new at this.. relationship, or whatever they were in, thing. He was the one with 11 years of marriage over his shoulders, he was supposed to be good at this. He never gave her gifts. Not even a single flower. Derek didn't believe that she was the flower kind of girl, but that was no excuse. And dates? No romantic dinners. No romantic nothings. So much for a cheesy, overprotective, dreamy boyfriend.
Maybe he should stop thinking about her. Maybe he should have gone after her that night. Maybe, maybe, maybes. Even more doubts invaded his mind. In the end, stop thinking didn't sound that bad. He looked down and hesitated. For an insignificant second, the water below him even seemed... tempting.
And I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed,
I was lost, oh yeah.
He'd hate himself for the rest of his life for even considering that possibility.
Not that that was the only reason why he hated himself.
That was a list with many, many items, going from "ruining 11 years marriage" to "breaking Meredith's heart". It was a long list.
Lavender.
He closed his eyes for a moment, taking the scent in. That was completely, totally random, but it happened sometimes.
If he couldn't stop thinking, he'd give into the good, random thoughts of her that were constantly in his mind. At the first, maybe the second time he felt that flowery scent he turned around, hopeful that she'd be standing there. But she never was. Now, he'd simply try to be content with that. It wasn't much, but it was the closest he could get to hovering.
"Hi." He heard.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it, yeah
He chuckled bitterly as he ran his hand through his hair. Great, that was just great. He never thought he'd sink low enough to the point he'd hear her voice.
But for some reason, he turned. And when he did so, for the first time in what seemed to be ages, she was actually there.
"I.. Hi." She repeated insecurely.
"Hi." He said, showing no effort in hiding the surprise in his voice. "When did you.." He asked, still not sure it could really be her.
"A couple of hours ago."
"Oh."
"Yeah. "
That was... weird. He knew it would be weird, it was supposed to be weird, but he'd never guess it would be this.. weird. He was even rambling in his thoughts, for crying out loud. He couldn't remember ever feeling this awkward around her.
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. One, two, three times. That wasn't him. He was not the kind of person who was left speechless. He was Derek Shepherd, the brilliant neurosurgeon who made even more brilliant lectures on medical conferences. The Derek Shepherd who was always quoted on medical journals and books. The Derek Shepherd that always had a comforting word for the family of a patient that died over a procedure. But she… she made him speechless. All she did was stand there, and he became mute, afraid of saying the wrong thing again. He had already lost count of how many times he had said the wrong thing. Did he ever tell her about that? Maybe he should. Or maybe he should just say something. Anything at all, just.. something. And stop rambling in his thoughts, that would certainly be helpful.
"So.. how was the honey moon?" He tried his best to sound casual, as if it was a joke. She ever so lightly lifted an eyebrow at the sudden change in the tone of his voice.
"I.." She hesitated for a moment "Horrible. It was awful." She giggled lightly.
"That bad?" A shy smile appeared on his face. He loved that sound. And the fact that she was giggling was a good sign. Right?
"Yeah." She giggled nervously. Her eyes looked.. greener, if that word even existed. They were bright. He couldn't remember her eyes were so sparkling. So soft.
She blushed and turned her face down, suddenly quiet again.
I was scared, I was scared,
Tired and under prepared,
But I'll wait for it.
He was staring.
He couldn't forget to add that to the list of things that made him hate himself.
Maybe a list of things he'd like to change in himself would be more useful, but that was only one of the millions of thoughts that were rushing through his mind right now.
"But I'm not.. That's not the reason why I came. Even though it has to do with the reason, it isn't. The reason, I mean. And I'm rambling." He bit back a smile. "I had a speech, you know?"
"A speech?"
"Yeah, a speech. I spent last week preparing a speech, with all the things I had to say. To you." She sighted. "It was a good speech. It was a really, really good speech. It was about... things. Lots of things and.. stuff. But I can't. I can't remember it." She paused. "How do you do it?"
"How do I do what?" He asked clueless, too distracted with the fact that she was standing in front of him to follow the rambling.
"The speeches. The long, perfect.. dreamy speeches."
"I.." He shrugged "I just say what's on my mind." He said matter-of-factly. Maybe too matter-of-factly, he realized when she stiffened a bit and swallowed back.
"I guess I deserved that." She said quietly, continuing before he could say anything. "I know I've given you no reason for you to listen to me, but..-"
"Meredith-" He pleaded.
"No, please, let me finish. I... I have to finish this now or I won't be able to do it. And I have to do it. Because if I don't do it now... I just have to do it." She said, her left hand gripping as forcefully as she could onto the rail, as if trying to find the strength she needed to tell him the things she had to in that gesture.
Derek believed in soul mates and true love; he was an optimist. But something in his guts kept telling him that there wasn't an optimistic understanding of what she had just said. And, of course, the fact that those simple words made him feel sick to his stomach wasn't exactly an mood buster. But as scary as the perspective of the changes that that conversation could cause in both their lives, he had to hear to what she had to day – there was always the possibility that he was being overdramatic.
"About an year ago, we had a patient. A girl. Boonie. She died." She said, pausing between sentences. "Before she died.. she loved her boyfriend. And she asked us tell him.." She exhaled. "She asked us to tell him that if love were enough -" If things kept going that way, he'd probably pass from feeling sick to his stomach to having an ulcera by the end of the night.
If love were enoughyou'd still be here with me, he thought.
"She'd still be there with him." He completed for her, biting back the word that threatened to fall out of his mouth.
He had to give her some credit, though. At least she didn't choose one of those break-up lines[iIt's not you, it's me[/i or so on. But as scared as he was of those thoughts, he couldn't stop the stream of thought that took him back to the train accident night. It had been the night she told him she loved him. The night he showed up too late.
"Yeah." She said, the corners of her mouth slightly turned up at the fact that he remembered her. "Anyway." She shook her head, trying to settle her rushing thoughts down. "I thought a lot about that. She was wrong."
And if you go, if you go,
And leave me down here on my own,
Then I'll wait for you, yeah.
If there was one thing that Derek truly abominated was creating hopes only to have them crushed afterwards, but right now he didn't care if he would be completely crushed. If that was the price to hang onto that bit of hope, he'd pay it willingly.
"I mean, in the literal meaning of the phrase. Not in her.. context or whatever. Because she can't come back from the dead." Like you did. "What I'm trying to say, is that loving someone doesn't fix everything magically. Things won't be all bright and shinny for long just because. You have to fight to work things out."
The skeptical look on his face passed unnoticed by her.
"What?" She asked.
"It's just that.. so far you've kind of proved her point. But go on." He encouraged.
"You have to fight for things. And love is supposed to give you that strength." She let go of the rail. "The people who are in love are supposed to help each other so they can have their happy-ever-whatever. I know I'm a walking cliché, but the truth is I never believed in any of this before you happened." Derek opened his mouth to say something, but she moved her hand in a gesture silencing him. "Just.. let me get done with this. You happened, and everything changed. I became that silly, bouncing, bubbly girl that would jump off a bridge if you asked her to do so. And then, when I was too distracted in my happy bubble, when I less expected, you broke my heart."
Her eyes were sparkling, that was for sure. But now, they were for a different reason.
"I opened myself to you, and you.. you tore everything apart. I humiliated myself, and you chose her. I wanted to hate you. God, you have no idea how much I wanted to. Hate you. But I couldn't. There was a tiny, annoying voice telling me I loved you for a reason."
Loved being the key word in that sentence.
"And then everything else happened. I fought to make things works. I really, really tried. But it came to a point where I got tired of trying."
She was talking. That was supposed be good, that's what he had asked her to do all the way, but for some reason Derek was, at last, feeling angry. They had never discussed the drowning incident, and for a while now he noticed that the mere mention of it already made his muscles stiffen.
"And I guess that would be the part where you stopped swimming." He said harshly.
"Yes." She whispered in response.
"So that's it? Every time you get tired of trying you simply stop breathing?" He was pretty sure that his eyes were the ones sparkling now.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it, yeah
"Derek, that's -"
"No, now its my turn. Do you have any idea of how desperate I was? You were dead, Meredith. Dead. You're a doctor, I don't have to explain you what this mean. Just the idea of losing you frightened me. Can you imagine how that felt?"
A tear was threatening to fall from her eye. "Yeah, Derek." She said bitterly. "I guess you could say I know how being abandoned feels like."
He shook his head. "I'm not talking about your father. Hell, I'm not even talking about me. Can you imagine how great it felt to know that my girlfriend had chosen death - death, among all things - over me?" He chuckled bitterly. "I was desperate. Truly, completely, utterly desperate. And then you came back." He said in a softer tone. "And I promised myself I wouldn't repeat the mistake I made before, the one that lead you to..." The word was hanging in the air, but for some reason he couldn't say them. "So I hovered. I wanted to be there, all the time, to be sure nothing would happen to you. What I said about the bar, that was me trying to get your attention. Because no matter what happened, you wouldn't go to me, you'd go to your friends. I was you fuck-buddy."
"That's ridiculous."
"No, you're not getting it." He shook his head. "When I told you I couldn't keep trying to breathing for you.. You wouldn't let me in, and I was scared to death you'd somehow drown again, and I wouldn't, I couldn't.. I need you." He sighted heavily, avoiding looking at her. "I literally can't breath without you." That's why I can't leave you. "And you.. I don't have the same effect on you. You're.. independent." You don't need me. "Don't get me wrong, that's a good thing, but I'm constantly afraid that someday you'll realize how fucked up I actually am, and how much pain I caused you and you'll leave me. Because you can." So much for McDreamy.
Sing it please, please, please,
Come back and sing to me,
To me, me.
"Is this you asking me to break up with you?" She asked carefully.
"No!" he said quickly. "I just had to say that.. 'I can't keep on breathing for you' was a bad choice of words. 'Put me out of my misery' was one as well. 'I love you', wasn't."
"So.."
His expression softened as he lifted his hand and gently stroked her cheek with his thumb, surprised when she didn't pull back. "You are the love of my life."
She smiled, shocks rushing through her body as she felt his finger brushing her face.
Derek lost track of time as they both got lost in that moment; none of them could remember the last time they were this close. He was fighting the urge of pulling her into his arms and burring his face on her neck - he didn't want to scare her off. It was almost unbelievable that the things he admitted didn't made her turn and run. He still couldn't believe that he had actually said all of those things. The things he had been thinking about for.. ever. Or at least it felt so. Not that he regretted saying them. He felt.. lighter. Lighter was good, really good.
"I like feeling bubbly." She said out of the blank.
"Huh?"
"I'm tired of giving up. I.. I want to try again. If you want, of course. I'd understand if you don't want too, but I think you do want because you said you loved.. love me, so that pretty much is a yes, yes?" She said in one breath.
"I love your rambling, but you'll have to slow down a little this time." He chuckled.
Come on and sing it out, now, now.
Come on and sing it out, to me, me
Come back and sing.
"I want to be bright and shinny. For real. With you. Because being dark n' twisty, well, it sucks. And you love me. And you make me blush like I'm in Junior High or something. And I love you. I really, really do. And I'm sorry I gave up, but I'm not going to -"
"You can stop there." He said, closing the distance between them with a huge, silly grin on his face. She said it. In the middle of one of her cute rambles, she said it. And that was all he needed to hear. He could definitely get used to hearing those three words.
"Ok." She nodded, her face turning into a nice shade of pink.
"Blushing already?" He teased.
"Jerk." She playfully rolled her eyes.
"You love me."
"I do." She said softly. Even though she didn't actually say the words this time, he could feel shocks rushing through his skin.
"I love you too." He whispered as he placed his hand on the small of her back, pulling her even closer to him, closing the minimum distance that separated them.
"I know." She whispered back just before he gently placed his lips over hers.
They were brought back from their blissful moment when the ferry stopped moving.
It was soft. Quick. Kind of like a habit. And something inside Derek told him that this time, they were going to do it everyday for the rest of their lives.
Because she loved him.
And that was enough.
"You remember what I said before about you turning me into that silly, bubbly girl who'd jump off a bridge for you if you asked her to do so?"
"Yeah." He nodded as she offered him her hand and they walked toward his car.
"I'd still do it." She said with a shy smile.
In my place, in my place,
Were lines that I couldn't change,
I was lost, oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
A.N.: I hope you liked it :)! I'd just like to straight one thing that I'm not 100 sure I made clear. When Meredith says that she'd still jump off a bridge if Derek asked her to do so, she meant that he still made her feel the same way he did when their relationship first started.