Wait For You To Come Find Me
I'm
sick of second chances
Cigarettes turn to ashes
I had kicked the habit when I met you, but you brought it back – the dependency. To have a dependency. To have something I could depend on. You weren't it. You weren't there. I waited, waited for so long, my cigarettes dissolving in the tray, succumbing to time just as my heart would.
I'm
standing under street signs
To know the places I've been my whole
life
I watch the hours pass us
Another one burns to ashes
The tree crept over the fence from our neighbours, eventually entangling itself over the sign to conceal that street's name, people passing by without a clue as to what they were in fact passing by. But I waited, I stood there, feeling the branches and vines grow and fall closer and closer to my shoulders as this time I let the cigarette fall to the pavement, caring less and less each time.
I'm
waiting for your phone call
To come and save me so you can break
my fall
The phone remained dead, never receiving a call from you. I waited for so long; days, weeks, months, for you to check in – to show you cared. Arriving home I would run to the machine, hoping to see a flashing green light – new message – but the red illuminated the room everyday, no change.
I wish I could let it go. My heart tells me to give you another chance, my head tells me to move on. My heart tells me never to leave the house incase you get a new number, my head tells me to get a new number. My heart tells me to tell William stories of his father: hero fighting darkness, my head tell me to tell William he has no father.
I will stand outside,
Wait
for you to come find me
I will keep on my light
By my bed till you get home
The light remains on, bulb after bulb dying and leaving me in the dark. I've never spent so much money on lighting, but I swore to myself that I would stay in the light until I found someone who would protect me from the dark. The longer your away the stronger the darkness is, and even the day seems less bright, the sun weaker, shadowed by grief.
And
I won't sleep tonight,
Till
you get home
I won't sleep tonight,
Till
you get home
No matter how much I try, I lie awake for hours, my only option falling unconscious from tears and agony. But it wasn't sleep, sleep was when you were beside me, dreaming just as I would. No, I did not sleep when you weren't home. I did not dream. There was only black, followed by the ache of my heart that made me wish I didn't wake.
My
bed light's burning brighter
Boiled like a boxed in fighter
You've got me fighting pillows
My eyes just won't close till
you're at my side
Rest must wait for your return. But when will that be? The nights stretch out, each longer than the last. And each time its harder to loose consciousness. The pillows are less soft, the blankets colder, nothing helps me and I feel like everything is a constant battle.
The
hours slip to morning
I see the sun coming up
I'm turning off
the TV
I'm watching faster than you gave up on me
The clocks age before my eyes, digital numbers disappearing in the glare of the sun peeking through half-closed blinds I didn't close last night, just incase I would see you come home. I realise I spent another night without success, the pain triumphs again. The TV does not distract me, I'm stuck in my world, I cannot escape it. No matter how much crap daytime television I watch, I don't feel sympathy for anyone but me.
I will stand outside,
Wait
for you to come find me
I will keep on my light
By
my bed till you get home
And I won't sleep tonight,
Till
you get home
I won't sleep tonight,
Till
you get home
I
got your letters that you sent to me
And it feel likes summer
But your far away from me
When I need you here
The mail was my one hope, the one reason I was still alive inside. Letters smudged from rain or dotted with blood, the words practically empty and vacant of anything to do with you. I refold paper with no more information than I had before. Even after the letters stop, I keep reading fake words from the inside of my head to my tiny son, lighting his eyes with hope.
I will stand outside,
Wait
for you to come find me
I will keep on my light
By
my bed till you get home
And I won't (I won't) sleep tonight,
Till
you get home
I won't (I won't) sleep tonight,
Till you get home
Soon I'm outside, away from the bedroom light. There's no sign or promise, but I wait outside because I feel closer to you. No walls keep me away, only the open road. I know I will never be able to find you, but I know you can find me. And I wait for the day when you do.