Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
By Project H
Part 1
Scrimgeour: These are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has perhaps faced no greater threat than it does today. But I say this to our citizenry: We, your unelected representatives, who are appointed to government without a trace of democracy in sight, will defend you. You can put your absolute faith in the witches and wizards who hold no discernable qualifications whatsoever, to protect you from the forces of evil. We of the Ministry of Magic, the same Ministry of Magic that hid You-Know-Who's return to power from you for several years, almost certainly resulting in hundreds of preventable deaths, can be completely trusted. And now, in keeping with my regular duties as Minister, I now declare this new children's playground open *Cuts ribbon*
-
*Granger House*
Hermione: *Casts memory charm and leaves*
Mrs Granger: Sweetie, I've been wondering something
Mr Granger: What is it?
Mrs Granger: Since we don't have any children, why do we have a room upstairs set up for a teenage girl?
Mr Granger: I'm still trying to work out why we have so many empty picture frames
*Dursley House*
Vernon: Time to go, Dudley
Dudley: I still don't understand why we have to leave
Vernon: Uh...because it's not safe anymore. They opened a health food store down the end of the street. Right next door to the new gym
Dudley: HIT THE ACCELERATOR!
*The Burrow*
Mrs Weasley: Ron, when you're done ominously staring off into the distance as if life as you know it is about to change forever, tell your father supper's nearly ready
-
*Malfoy Manor*
Snape: *Arrives*
Voldemort: Severus, we've saved you a seat. But we already placed our drinks order, so we just got you a newt juice. I trust you bring news
Snape: It will happen Saturday next, at nightfall
Yaxley: I heard the 30th of this month
Death Eater 1: I heard he was already moved
Death Eater 2: I heard he died when he slipped in the bath and hit his head
Death Eater 3: I heard his fat cousin ate him
Voldemort: Silence! What say you, Pius?
Pius: I say you should work on your world domination plan a little more. You haven't even taken over all of Britain yet
Voldemort: Yes, thank you Pius
Pius: Not even the Isle of Wight or anything. Just a couple of people in the Ministry
Voldemort: I understand that...
Pius: Maybe take the focus off one teenage boy for just a few days and work on defeating the other forces trying to destroy you
Voldemort: There is a plan in place...
Pius: If you take over the Ministry and have the entire country living in terror and forced to join you or else face certain death, you can then work on killing that one adolescent that you seem so obsessed with
Death Eater 3: I heard his fat cousin ate him
Voldemort: Enough! In killing Harry Potter, I face an unfortunate complication. My wand and Potter's share the same core, and we cannot fatally harm one another
Pius: Then just stab him
Voldemort: If I am to kill him, I must do it with another's wand
Pius: Wound him, then walk over and strangle him. No more Potter
Voldemort: What about you, Lucius? I require your wand
Pius: At this rate, Potter's going to die of old age
Voldemort: Silence. We are joined tonight by Miss Charity Burbage. It is Miss Burbage's belief that muggles are not so different from us, and would have us mate with them
Death Eater 3: Eww. Even the fat ones?
Voldemort: Are you actually a Death Eater?
Pius: I'm going to sneak up on Potter and scare him. Heart attack!
Voldemort: Shut up, Pius
-
*Dursley House*
Harry: So many memories in this house. Cupboard under the stairs...scolding iron...numerous broken bones...I can't wait to get out of this place
Ron: Harry!
Hermione: Harry!
Moody: Inside!
Harry: No, Harry
Bill: Hi Harry. These scars were caused by a werewolf-
Moody: No time for that
Tonks: Wait till you hear the news. Remus and I-
Moody: No time for that either
Kingsley: The reason we're here-
Moody: No time! *Opens bottle* Potter, I believe you're familiar with this particular brew
Harry: No. If you think I'm gonna let everyone risk their lives for me-
Hermione: As we have done consistency since we met you
Harry: This is different. I won't have anyone die for me
Hermione *Cough* Sirius *cough*
Ron: *Cough* Dumbledore *cough*
Fred: *Cough* Cedric *cough*
Bill: *Cough* My handsome face *cough*
George: *Cough* Quirrell *cough*
Harry: Alright fine, you can all risk your lives
All: Yay!
Moody: Grab a straw, everyone
Half the group: *Drink polyjuice potion*
RonHarry: *Grows a beard and a third arm* Uh oh, I shouldn't have had seconds...
FredHarry: *Hits George* Hey Harry, stop hitting yourself
GeorgeHarry: *Hits Fred* Stop hitting yourself
FleurHarry: Yuck. I feel...British
HermiHarry: *Looking down pants* Hmm, so it really isshaped like a lightning bolt...
Moody: Everyone will pair off. Harry, you'll be with Hagrid
Hagrid: I brought you here sixteen years ago, it seems only right that I should be the one to take you away now. Of course, you were just a baby then...
Harry: Sure was
Hagrid: So if you want to cry and wet yourself on this trip, I'm fine with that
Harry:...I think I'd like to go with Moody
-
*The sky*
Death Eaters: *Attack*
The Order: *Scatter*
Harry: Hagrid, we have to help the others!
Hagrid: I can't do that, Harry. Mad-eye's orders
Harry: If Mad-eye told you to jump off a cliff-
Hagrid: He did. I still have the bruises
*Meanwhile, on the highway*
Woman: Honey, I'm so glad we were able to take this caravanning holiday
Man: Me too. It'll really help us to forget all our troubles
Caravan: *'Splodes*
Man: Damn it! That was a rental
Death Eater: *Fires curse*
Hedwig: *Dies, saving Harry. Add her to the list*
Harry: Damn it! She was a rental *Starts to fall asleep for some reason*
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
Harry's wand: No thank you
Lucius's wand: *'Splodes*
Voldemort: LUCIUS!
Lucius: I didn't do it
-
*The Burrow*
Ginny: Thank goodness! *Kisses Harry*
RonHarry: Get the hell off me!
Ginny: Oops...
Lupin: *Throws Harry against wall* Which creature sat in the corner the first time Harry Potter visited my office in Hogwarts?
Harry: I have no idea
Lupin: Just like the real Harry would. Excellent. But we've been betrayed. Voldemort knew you were being moved tonight, I had to make sure you weren't an imposter. I have no idea who could have divulged your whereabouts; only people in the Order could have known. People like myself, Moody, and Ron's pet rat Scabbers who has started showing up at meetings for some reason
Shacklebolt: LUPIN! What were the last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us?
Lupin: Not sure. Have some chocolate
Shacklebolt: It's the real Lupin
George: *Arrives, minus ear*
Lupin: Imposter! The real George has an ear!
Fred: How you feeling, Georgie?
Georgie: Ron-like
Fred: Come again
Georgie: Ron-like. Get it? Because a piece of my brain is now missing
Fred: Ha! Awesome!
Bill: Mad-eye's dead
Fred: So is the mood. Good one, Bill
-
*Next morning*
Harry: *Leaving*
Ron: Going somewhere?
Harry: Nobody is going to die for me
Ron: *Cough* Mad-eye *cough*
Harry: Nobody else
Ron: You think Mad-eye died for you? You think George got cursed for you? For you? Firstly, you suck. Secondly, we're all just doing this to save ourselves. Most of us just wanted to hand you in to Voldemort. I actually tried to smother you with a pillow last night
Harry: Come with me
Ron: What, and leave Hermione? We wouldn't last two days without her
Harry: Sure we would
Ron: You realise you left the house without pants?
Harry: No I...let's wait for Hermione
-
*Later that morning*
Harry: To what do we owe the pleasure, Minister?
Scrimgeour: Oh I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I'd stop by to read a will
Harry: That sounds cheery
Scrimgeour: Herein is set forth the last will and testament of Albus Percival Wulfric Pikachu Dumbledore. First, to Ronald Bilius Weasley, I leave my Deluminator. It's pointless and silly, so naturally it made me think of Ron. To Hermione Nerdface Granger, whose name I had officially changed prior to my death as a joke, I leave a book. Because, you know, it's Hermione. To Harry James Potter, I leave the snitch he caught in his first Quidditch match, to remind him of a time when he wasn't alone and not yet aware of how the entire fate of the world rests on his shoulders, which it most certainly does. Dumbledore also left you the sword of Godric Gryffindor, but it was not his to give away. As an important historical artefact, it belongs to the Ministry. And as you, Harry, are also an important artefact, Dumbledore was not able to trade you for a new broom, as his will suggested be done. Mr Potter, you cannot fight this war alone...
Harry: Agreed
Scrimgeour: Excellent. Farewell *Leaves forever*
Harry: He just left when I needed him most, and without telling me anything. I think I found my new Dumbledore
TO BE CONTINUED...