"Pain Without Love"
This is for all the people who would rather feel pain than nothing at all... as well as for all you sadomasachists who actually enjoy it.
Anyone who's ever secretly been in love with their best friend probably understands this more than anyone else... read, relax, and feel you're heart break.
Naruto shoved his hair back with his hands, digging into his pockets for the key to his apartment. He thought, again, how pointless it was to lock a door in a city full of ninjas who always seem to find some way into a locked room. But, old habits die hard, and Naruto figured in would at least keep the lowlifes out of his home.
With a small click, the lock was released and Naruto opened the door and let himself into his apartment. Kicking the door closed behind him, he struggled with removing his jacket before discarding his shoes next to the entrance to his apartment. Next went his shirt as he traveled to his bedroom. It had been a long day and he didn't care what kind of mess he left in his wake.
He had found himself stuck hanging around with Sasuke once again, watching him fondle one girl after the other. The raven haired man of seventeen was as huge a flirt as always. Since he had come back from his self assigned mission of revenge, and after killing both Orochimaru and his brother, Sasuke decided, rather than ignoring the obvious fan girls, that he should start flirting with a lucky three to four a day.
Sakura, who had had a huge crush on Sasuke, decided to set her sights a little lower after she had been dumped... again... for the fourth time… of course it surprised everyone when she came out to everyone and started dating Ino, her former best friend/rival. The two, despite Ino's reputation as a tease (kind of like the female version of Sasuke... except without all the fucked up stuff going on in her head), were greatly in love. Naruto knew that it had been hard on Sakura, being in a relationship with another woman. After all there were always a few homophobes who would target the poor girl. But Sakura was as strong both physically and mentally, as always, and was more than capable of defend herself.
Naruto sat down on his bed, letting his head fall back and knock into the wall, as he remembered the events of earlier that day, when Sasuke had caught him staring at him. Sasuke's dark onyx eyes were smoldering coals as he cast a dark, shaded look in Naruto's direction. A shiver went down the blond's back as he thought of that look. Sasuke and his dark, bedroom eyes. A sigh escaped from his lips.
He would never be good enough for the shinobi with raven hair. Naruto had long since given up all hopes of love. After Sakura admitted she was bisexual and started going out with Ino, Naruto realized he had no one left that he cared for besides Sasuke. But it was obvious the feeling wasn't mutual…
Even after the multiple 'excursions' the two men had shared in the darkness of Naruto's room, the blond knew it ment nothing. Sasuke was only using the kyuubi container's body. No matter how much Naruto tried to convince himself otherwise, the lust, the dark feelings of pleasure, and even the aching pain of their rough sex was better than nothing.
"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"
Wanting to scream in frustration, Naruto's head flew back and he groaned up towards the ceiling. But even if he screamed, it wouldn't be enough. He had no love in his life… but he had plenty of pain. More than a surplus amount. It was what kept him alive, what kept him from becoming dead and numb inside… the hope and anticipation of fighting, and pain, knowing that he could survive...
Anyone would have to admit it was better than becoming empty and hollow.
"You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand"
Naruto realized how masochistic he was sounding in his thinking. But, you take what you can get, right?
For some reason, as Naruto sat staring vacantly on his bed, he thought of cutting. He had heard of it, of course, how people abuse themselves physically to release anguish, to punish, or event to show that they have some means of control. But, he had never done it, always disregarding it for the mentally unstable.
His thoughts were dark and he wondered what it would be like to take a sharp edge and rake it across his skin, a small line of red, bubbling blood raising up with it as the stinging sensation trailed down his arm. The thought, for some reason appealed to him. Maybe it was because he was already hurting, and he wanted something to show for it besides his empty heart.
As these thoughts flew into his head, Naruto found himself drawing his kunai. He had a passing thought that he was being completely irrational in his thinking, but he quickly pushed it aside as he held the knife in his hands. slowly, he slid a thumb against the blade, wincing as it tore through the skin, a drop of blood falling onto his pants.
In the dark, he placed one edge of the kunai on his wrist. He braced himself, gritting his teeth together. In one quick slash, Naruto cut his wrist from one side to the other. He gasped loudly as the feeling of his burning wrist hit him. The pain exploded in his arm, causing a grimace.
As the sharp pain quickly faded into a dull throb... Naruto smiled.
No wonder people did it. It felt great, like this amazing euphoria of accomplishment. It gave him a sense of control, to be able to steady the blade and cut it deep into his skin. Naruto lean forward, holding hs arm out, ready to make another slash.
"Idiot!" a voice said, the kunai was nocked from his hands. A dark shadow appeared next to him, kneeling quickly, it grabbed his wrist. It was only then that the blond realized how much blood there was, it had already splattered in some places on the floor, not to mention on Naruto's pants.
Something warm and moist that wasn't his blood enclosed itself around Naruto's wound. It took him a moment to realize that it was a mouth. Not just any mouth, but Sasuke's heavenly mouth. The raven haired boy's thick, warm lips held themselves in place as the wet muscle of a tongue slid across the gash.
"Thanks." Naruto mumbled meekly to the man in front of him, feeling ashamed instantly because of Sasuke's reaction. After a minute of cleaning the wound with his mouth, Sasuke took a bandage out from the bag tied at his hip and started to wrap Naruto's wrist.
"If you wanted to bleed so badly, you could have just asked me to spar." The dark man was saying.
Naruto remained quiet, not even wanting to look at Sasuke.
Sasuke sighed and shook his head, "Look, I know things aren't great right now, but this," he gestured to the bandage while looking up at the blond, "Is not the way to handle things." Even in the dark, Sasuke's eager face was beautiful.
"This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand"
Naruto recognised the feeling in the pit of his stomach. Quickly he denided it and smarted back, "I know, I'm not an idiot! I wasn't trying to kill myself."
Sasuke frowned, "Then what were you doing, sitting in the dark, cutting your wrists?"
Naruto looked down into his lap as Sasuke stood up from the bed. He wanted to tell Sasuke, to pour his heart out to this boy… no, to this man that was far more than his best friend.
"I… I was just trying to actually… feel something." Naruto said, his brow furrowing together. "I find myself growing so numb inside. I don't have anything to really make my life enjoyable. I don't have a lot of money, no companion, nothing… and I just want to feel something, anything, other than this ache that something is wrong… even if that means being in pain."
"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"
Sasuke's expression became fierce as he heard the words pouring from Naruto's mouth. His words, though suppsed to be kind, came out rough and angry. "What! I'm your friend. You have me. You have Sakura, everyone cares about you and loves you! Pain is not all there is. And you certainly don't have to try to cut yourself to deal with your depression! Not when everyone loves and cares for you so much!"
Naruto looked up slowly, "What about you? Do you love me?" he asked, without emotion, already knowing the answer. Naruto knew that those words would tell the ninja everything.
Sasuke stood there, looking surprised for a moment. It was the last thing he would have expected Naruto to ask, the boy that had always faught with him, pretending not to care what Sasuke thought.
The ninja looked down into Nauto's eyes... seeing nothing but misery.
"Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand"
Naruto turned to look away when Sasuke didn't respond, "Don't tell me. I don't want to know."
A second later, Sasuke was grabbing Naruto roughly by the face and was forcing his lips on the blonde's. As the dark haired man forced himself forward, into the blonde's lap, he caused the shocked Naruto to fall back onto the bed as he straddled him.
The kiss was hard and merciless, no compassion, no mercy, no love. Only pain.
"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"
Naruto was soon kissing him back, pushing up on the matress. Their kiss was so rough that Naruto's lips felt like they were going to be ripped off. But it was a kiss. And it was Sasuke kissing him. Even though there was no love in the kiss, there was pain. Despite what Sasuke had said, it was something.
"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain"
Naruto groaned when Sasuke pulled away, breathing deeply. The man sat back on the bed, arm resting on his bended leg as he caught his breath, leaning back against the wall. Naruto sat up next to him, not daring to touch him, but still wanting to be close to him. Sasuke gazed at him, eyes revealing nothing as he watched his usually lighthearted companion.
"Is that what you want. Something so hard, rough, and emotionless?" he asked.
Naruto answered blankly, his head hanging so Sasuke couldn't see his face. He though back, remembering the other nights, when Sasuke and him had done the unthinkable, "It's better than nothing."
Sasuke shook his head, his long black hair swaying slightly, "But, that's not how I want it. I know it's been that way, that's how we've done it for years… always detached. We used each other's bodies for our personal gain, never putting any real emotion into it. But, I didn't realize till now that I wasn't the only one wanting something more." He spoke the last words softly, almost as if to himself.
Naruto turned, staring at him, confused, not understanding. After a while of silence, Sasuke turned to him, eyes piercing, even in the dark. The kyuubi container felt his stomach knot up tight.
"Naruto. For once, I want something… something like… like this…"
And with that, Sasuke softly placed his hands on Naruto's shoulders, his touch was delicate, as if he would break his companion. Slowly, he leaned towards the blond, capturing his previously injured lips into a light kiss. Sasuke's lips were like feathers over his own, brushing lightly, lick softly in some places, but never making any true contact.
Naruto couldn't move, he was caught off guard and didn't know what to do. It was like nothing he had ever felt. The emotion behind it made him begin to tremble, like a dam that was about to burst. After a few minutes of getting used to the new feeling growing in both of them, they deepened it.
Naruto pulled away in a moment of clarity, their lips making a wet popping sound as they pulled apart. "Wh-what... Why are y-you doing this?" He stuttered, unable to do anything else.
Sasuke smiled bitterly, "Because, I've hurt you. I realize my feelings for you. And I know that without me," he shook his head, "No one else will be here to save you."
Naruto was about to speak when Sasuke silenced him gently with his lips, cupping his face in both his hands.
"I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later"
The next morning Naruto woke to a loud knock on his door. Leaving Sasuke in the small bed, Naruto pulled a robe on and walked stiffly to the door. He opened it a crack and peered through. The first thing he saw was a bobbing head full of bright pink hair...It was Sakura.
"Hey, Naruto!" she announced happily. The door opened a little bit wider. Naruto didn't want to be rude and tell her to go away, but Sasuke still hadn't made his early morning escape yet, and he didn't want his friend being put in the awkward position of explaining to all his fan girls why he was having secret sex with his best guy friend.
Regardless of what happened last night, he had no illusions that things would be differant. It wasn't how Naruto wanted things, but at this thought, the pain in his heart reminded him of how alive he was.
"Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"
"Naruto? Are you alone, or is there someone staying with you?" Sakura asked, noticing how he was holding the door.
"No, Sakura, I was just-." He was interrupted as an arm was slung across his shoulder and the door was pulled opened wide.
"Giving me a chance to get dressed." Sasuke said to the face of a surprised Sakura.
"What are you doing here?" Sakura exclaimed in a fan girl like squeal, dispite her currant statis of being in a loving relationship with a beautiful woman. But, seeing as the woman was Ino, she would probably react in the same way once she heard this juicy bit of gossip.
Sasuke shrugged, playing it nonchalant "What? I can't spend the night with my boyfriend?"
Naruto's heart stopped. Boyfriend. The word echoed in his ears as Sakura almost fainted in her heavy blush and nose bleed. It was a small confession, and was just made to their best friend, but it was something. It wasn't pain, it wasn't quit close enough to love, but it wasn't nothing either.
"Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain"
Finished and revised. I didn't do much, just went over it and added some stuff in and made things easier to understand. Just know, if you give me any flames you will get a really nasty response! Constructive and polite criticism only!