Somewhere in Japan, a young boy was quietly tip-toeing down a set of stairs. The boy, whom we shall call Light, was being followed by a suspicious looking monster-pedophile-freak, but once Light reached the bottom of the stairs the monster floated out the back door into a conveniently placed plot devic- I mean, apple orchard. Light smirked and whispered, "That's it, Ryuuk. Leave, so I can have time with the love of my life."
He soundlessly moseyed over to the pantry and threw open the door with a loud bang. 'That was slightly counterproductive,' he thought, but then shook his head. 'If contradicting myself is what it takes to get to my love, then I shall do it!'
Light nodded, reached in, and grabbed the small delicacy. After making sure his prize was secure in his pocket, he hurried back up the stairs and into his room. He shut his door and leaned against it, breathing harshly. Looking down at the potato chips in his pocket, he sighed contentedly.
Light glanced around to make sure no one was looking, before slowly sliding his hand into the foil-plastic hybrid bag. He grabbed a chip and gripped it tightly, crumbling it to dust.
Upon discovering the murder of his love's offspring, he burst into hysterical tears and fell to his knees to give the bag an apologetic blow job. This, of course, lead to some other things and they, to be frank, got 'jiggy' with it, as you kids say. Or you could say 'The bag oompa'd Light's loompa.' Maybe even it 'jacked his hammer.' I could go on.
Ten minutes later, Ryuuk wandered into Light's bedroom to find Light with an empty chip bag over a certain part of his anatomy, a look of euphoria painted across his face. Ryuuk cocked his head to the side and asked, "Is this a new way to defeat L, Light?"
Said young boy ducked under his covers while screaming at the top of his lungs, "Get out! You have intruded on a sacred act between lovers!" Within seconds his entire family scrambled into the room tiredly asking "Wasswrong? What's going on? Are you being killed, Light?"
In the confusion, young Sayu noticed a perfect potato chip on the ground. It was a light golden brown, and it was suspiciously glowing. Plus, it had a halo. To us it was just another plot device, but to Sayu it was the answer to the hunger that conveniently developed in her little girl tummy. Grinning to herself, she bent down and picked it up. As the chip was about to touch the tip of her tongue, Light saw what was happening and tackled her, screaming.
"Light?! Why are you naked? And what's that on y-IS THAT A BAG OF CHIPS?!"
Chaos ensued and everyone in the house ended up unconscious except for Light and his father, Soichiro.
"Light, am I correct in assuming that you were... uh… you know."
Light blushed and nodded.
"Ah. Don't be embarrassed. Sit down, and let me tell you about a young boy named 'Soichiro' and his secret love affair with the blender. I hate to tell you, but this story doesn't have a happy ending."
Half an hour and three mental breakdowns later, Light's father finished his story. "Dad?" Light asked.
"Yes, son?"
"If you lost the ability to procreate, how were Sayu and I conceived?"
"…Well! I sure am tired! Let's go to bed!" Soichiro stood up and stretched before waltzing out of the room.
"But Dad!...DAD!"
The next morning Light had the words 'Congratulations! You're adopted!' written on his pancakes in syrup.
Mmmmm.
Pancakes.
A/N: Let's whore Out Light Project. For details (I almost said 'deets' like a freaky weirdo :D) go to Moonshine369 's profile. I suggest Near's fic (the only one I've read ='). It pwns the socks off of everyone.