Parental Control belongs to MTV. Smallville belongs to the CW Network and DC Comics. I'm just borrowing both for this parody ficlet.
Pairing: Clex
Rating: Mature
Parental Control:
Voiceover: On this episode of Parental Control, we're taking our search for unhappy parents and unruly boyfriends across the great ol' US of A. Proving that bad boyfriends are not confined to one coast.
Today, we've landed in Smallville, Ks.
Papa Kent Intro: Hi, I'm Jonathan and I'm a farmer.
Mama Kent Intro: Hi, I'm Martha and I'm a farmer's wife. (The two stand in front of the yellow farmhouse looking like a modern version of American Gothic)
Papa Kent: We can't stand our son's boyfriend, Lex Luthor. One, he's a man and at our son's age he should be dating other boys. That's what boyfriend means. Two, Lex is a Luthor, a L-U-T-H-O-R! He is bound by blood to do acts of evil like stealing candy from babies, dumping toxic waste over people's gardens, conducting unethical experiments and turning my son gay-.
(Insert clips of Clark and Lex together. Hand holding, sitting together in the loft, playing pool in the mansion, necking in the fortress of smutitude)
Mama Kent: (Whispers JONATHAN loudly and smacks him on the arm) Lex is too mature for Clark and we fear he's taking advantage of him for many reasons.
Papa Kent: (Makes his best 'What?' expression) That's why our son's love life needs some parental control.
Cue credits, featuring montage of random guys being put in the hot seat.
Five attractive young men enter the room. Clips flip between each entrance. All varying in levels of gay; super queen, homothug, undeniable twink, Abercrombie All-American poster boy, and regular joe. Each guy greets the Kents and receives a sunny smile in return.
Jonathan: Question 1. Are you now or have you ever been affiliated with the Luthor family? (His constipated hawkeye look pinned the various guys in place)
Guy 1: Um, no.
Guy 2: I do not conspire with the devil also known as the Luthors.
Guy 3: Oh my god, Lex Luthor is really sexy
Guy 4: They've brought nothing, but trouble to Smallville and should be run out of town.
Guy 5: Does working at the Talon count?...Um, no.
Martha: What's your position of pre-martial sex?
Guy 1: Is he a top or a bottom? Really doesn't matter, 'cause I'm versatile.
Guy 2: Standing is good.
Guy 3: Just say 'No' to pre-martial sex…Wait, gays can't get married!
Guy 4: It should happen when two people love each other and after an extensive courtship.
Guy 5: Sex is supposed to be special, beautiful, wonderful and private. You should know that person really well before you sleep with them.
Jonathan: Do you have interests in world domination?
Guy 1: A little S&M never hurt anybody.
Guy 2: No kink for me, thanks.
Guy 3: There's a scene for that?
Guy 4: No, I believe in democracy.
Guy 5: That's kinda scary.
Martha: What are you feelings on pie?
Guy 1: Pie-uh huh. I don't do pie, unless a tranny is involved.
Guy 2: Pie is gross, too sweet and flaky.
Guy 3: Pie. Sorry, I'm on Atkins
Guy 4: Apple is my favorite. I won't be too picky as long as it's homemade.
Guy 5: It's delish.
Martha: How do you feel about cookies?
Jonathan: (Cuts in) No, more importantly how do you feel about cows?
Guy 1: I love leather. Is your son into that?
Guy 2: I don't do beef. Yeaaah, sorry. I'm trying to go vegan. My trainer is trying to steer me away from the red meat.
Guy 3: I don't mind cows, as long as they're not stinky.
Guy 4: Cows are cool, but they don't feed themselves.
Guy 5: They're so cuddly, even if most people don't think so.
Jonathan: Wait, if you're expecting a blond or a redhead, you'll be disappointed. (Pulls out picture of Clark)
Guy 1: Dude, I so want to hit that. (Almost gets smacked by Jonathan)
Guy 2: Is he a model or something? Because I never get along with other models. They tend to be kinda bitchy.
Guy 3: You want me to date him. Jez, it would be my pleasure.
Guy 4: Wow, I really hope I get selected.
Guy 5: He's so dreammmmyyy!
Decision Time
Martha and Jonathan peruse the binder with the guys' pictures and information)
Jonathan: I liked him. He seems respectful, just a good All-American boy. Unlike, the demon that's seducing our son.
Martha: Now Jonathan, be nice. (Flips through the book) I liked him. Very sweet and cute.
Jonathan: Really? He doesn't seem Clark's type.
Martha: Clark is too young to have a type. All he has is Lex. He needs to broaden his horizons.
Jonathan: I don't know. He reminds me of someone I can't quite put my finger on.
Back at the Parental Control House
( Papa Kent is nearly giddy with excitement. He's pacing the floor while Martha sits on the couch and Clark sits on the arm of Lex's chair)
The doorbell rings.
Jonathan: Ah ha! That would be my date now. Clark, prepare to be whisked away from that bald little troll over there.
Lex: (makes an affronted face) Oh tell me how you really feel, Mr. Kent
Martha: (Gives Lex a partially sympathetic look that's not so sympathetic as Jonathan greets his date) He doesn't mean it in a mean way, Lex.
Lex: (stares at her like she's drank too much cooking sherry) Sure.
Jonathan: I present (insert sweeping arm gesture) Whitney! (Jonathan's smile looks painful, it's so big)
Clark: Whitney?!
Lex: Hell no! Clark is not going on a date with him. Not him.
Whitney: (Ducks his head) I promise you'll have a good time and nothing bad will happen. I'm a changed man and a better match than chrome dome over there.
Lex: Wow, the marines taught you how to make an insult. Nice work, Quarterback. I still say Clark's not going.
Martha: Now Lex, there are rules.
Jonathan: That's right Lu-THOR. Rules, that you can't usurp or cheat. (Looks at Clark with a big sappy smile) Now son, enjoy your date. (Nearly pushed Clark away from Lex and into Whitney's lap)
Clark: But Dad…Whitney's not even gay!
Whitney: That's not exactly true. I could explain more on our date. (Then he holds out his hand like a gentleman)
Clark: (Looks back at Lex with large puppy green eyes, but begins walking with Whitney) See ya, guys.
Lex: (Pointedly doesn't look at a stupidly grinning Jonathan or a less excited, but nonetheless excited Martha) If I have to cut him down from a cross somewhere, I'm going to be pissed.
Jonathan: What was that?
Lex: Nothing. Oh, how's Betsy? ( Smirk, evil smirk of doom and sexiness)
Jonathan: It's time to watch the date.
(Television is turned on)
The boys walk along the edge of Crater Lake barefoot. Their chatting is relatively animated. They stop before the small pier. Whitney tells Clark the first part of their date is swimming. Clark hesitantly removes his t-shirt, while Whitney watches.
(PC House)
Lex: No. Look at him. He's leering at your son like a piece of meat.
Jonathan: Quiet. You do the same thing, even worse. Your little Luthor eyes strip my boy and picture him naked. You have such a dirty dirty mind.
Lex: I'm not the one talking about my son being stripped naked, Old Man.
Martha: Lex?!
Lex: I'm sorry, Mrs. Kent, but watching my boyfriend get ogled and pawed at is not an easy situation for me. How do you feel when Nell does it to Jonathan?
Martha: (Gives Lex and Jonathan dark looks) Watch. The. Date. Now!
Whitney and Clark swim and horse around in the bright waters of Crater Lake. They stop swimming and get close. Whitney admires Clark's smile and moves in for a kiss that Clark deflects by diving under.
Lex: (to Jonathan) Ha!
Jonathan: But, he is having fun. F-U-
Lex: C-K …um U.
(Date)
Whitney dives under as Clark breaks the surface. The blonde pops up surprised.
Whitney: Are you hungry?
Clark: Yep.
Whitney: Let's swim back to shore and get something to eat.
They make it back to shore. Quickly redressing and chatting pleasantly. There's a wicker picnic basket lying atop of a checkered table cloth spread beneath a shady tree.
(PC House)
Martha: How sweet!
Jonathan: Simple equals better.
Lex: Sure-nice little set-up there, but what is Whitney going to eat?
Jonathan: Clark can share.
Lex: (Rolls his eyes so sharply, he could cut glass) I hope Whitney's not hungry.
(Date)
Clark: This is nice, Whitney.
Whitney: Thanks, I hope you like it. I know how much you like pie, so I ordered one of your mom's famous apples one from the Talon.
Clark: That was nice. I don't like pie, Whitney-I love it. (Clark gives him a mega watt smile)
Whitney: (laughs lightly) I'm glad I could make you smile like that.
Clark: (Super blushes) Never in a million years would I have expected to go on a date with you. So tell me what I missed that lead to this moment.
Whitney: (Gives Clark his own rendition of a blue eyed puppy dog face) I always thought you were cute. I didn't mean to be a jerk in high school, but I was always jealous whenever you talked to Lana-not over her, but because I wanted your attention. When I came back from the Marines and saw you, my first thought was when did you get so beautiful?
Clark: Aww Whitney. That's really nice. (Mega blush)
Whitney: I'm not making anything up. I always thought you were special and I'm really glad to spend time with you. (Whitney leans forward gets a small peck on mouth from Clark)
(PC House)
Jonathan: Yes! Kiss yourass goodbye, Lex. Clark is gone.
Martha: They're so cute together.
Lex: Clark always has been a big heart. That was a 'thank you' kiss, nothing more. I'm not going anywhere Mr. Kent.
Jonathan: Just keep telling yourself that, Lex. Keep telling yourself that.
Martha: Boys enough.
The trio watches Clark and Whitney finish up and walk away. They walk down the empty beach peacefully. Clark laughs at Whitney's jokes, while Whitney is trying to coax Clark into letting him hold his hand.
Minutes later, Clark is back at the house. The Kents are waiting expectantly, big smiles in place for when tells them about how great the date was.
Jonathan: What did I tell you? You two are perfect for each other and Whitney is such a gentlemen.
Martha: Yes, sweetheart I have to admit you two looked great together. I've always liked Whitney.
Lex: (Pulls Clark almost into his lap and whispers in his ear) Yes, they love him now. But I wonder if they'd still love if him if they knew he tied you up in a field and ogled you as you were stripped and strung up. I bet it would really piss them off if they knew I was the one who rescued you.
(Louder) I hope he doesn't take it hard if you tell him you want to be friends.
Doorbell rings. Martha jumps up excitedly. Her cheery tone is overheard in the other room. Jonathan can't fight his self-satisfied smirk.
Martha: (Walks back into the room) Clark, I'd like you to meet Lance. He's working at the Talon this summer with his cousin Lana.
Lance: (almond eyes go large as he looks at Clark then notices Lex holding Clark's hand) Biyach hands off my man!
A gasp sounds in the room. Jonathan nearly falls off the sofa. Clark stares at Lance, then Lex. Martha's ready to bake some pie to ward off disaster. Lex was already making plans to sell the little twink's ass to a sin bin.
Clark: How about we go now?
Lance: ( Beams up at Clark) Sure. ( Grabs Clark's hand and practically skips out the door, but not before looking over his shoulder at Lex and giving him the Lang glare of death)
Martha: Oh my. I can't wait to see what happens.
Jonathan: Outstanding, Lance has my vote.
Lex: He called me a biaych. That's new. Yet, I still doubt Clark will be impressed. That pink shirt and tight khakis made him look like a male version of Lana.
Martha: That's not too bad. Lana is a very nice girl.
Lex: That's right, keyword Mrs. Kent- girl. Clark likes boys. I'm pretty sure his taste doesn't run for the really effeminate types. (Jonathan gives Lex a look that says 'kettle meet pot'.) I am resoundingly more butch than that guy.
Jonathan: Purple shirts, Lex. Purple shirts?!
Lex: Do hate me, because I have taste. Not everyone can be a member of the plaid and flannel brigade.
Martha: I think you always look nice Lex. But, sometimes when you walk…(she blushes) your hips have too much swivel. It's almost obscene.
Lex: (Snickers) Thank you for noticing, Mrs. Kent.
Jonathan: (Scowls) Men don't swivel.
Lex: Then, your chosen one didn't get the memo.
(Date)
The date lends them to the farmer's market, much to Clark's chagrin. But he fakes a smile well. They pass stands of flowers and stop to look at them.
Lance: Those are pretty.
Clark: Yeah.
Lance: So, what's it like to be a farm boy? Cousin Lana mentioned you were cute, but damn-you are fine! I almost feel bad for her.
Clark: (blushes from the sultry look being cast his way) It's like everything else. Fun sometimes, but usually boring. The cows are kinda fun to have around as pets.
The pair begins to look at the produce. They stop at a stand loaded with vegetables. Lance picks up a large ripe cucumber and then trails his gaze over Clark's comparatively huge form.
Lance: I know what you and this cucumber have in common and it's not...being farm grown.
Clark: (Looks at Lance like he's the one with x-ray vision and the blushes so hard, he's sure his head will explode.) Um, uh…well. Wow!
(PC House)
Lex: Fuck this. Mrs. Kent how could you pick that little skank? (He's truly outraged in a fashion only befitting a Luthor)
Martha: Lex, language. Language. He seemed nice at the time. I doubt he's a skank, he's just out going.
Lex: Outgoing-my skinny pale ass he is.
(Date)
Lance: Come on. Let's go horseback riding.
They find the saddled horses waiting for them. They trot along a desolate forest path, leading towards the cemetery. Clark starts to feel weird about their choice of direction.
Lance: So Cousin Lana is my favorite cousin, because we understand each other. She likes pink and I looove pink. We love horses and boys! (Clark get s cheeky grin that he can only return with a sunny one of his own) Plus, we each understand loss at a young age.
Clark: Really? (Voice shifts into concerned)
Lance: (His large dark eyes get glassy) Cousin Lana lost her parents in the meteor shower, while mine were crushed by an errant boulder falling down a cliff. Gasp! (He flails dramatically)
Clark: Sorry to hear that.
Lance: That's okay. Having a knight in shining flannel, as I heard, will take away all my worries.
Clark: (More super blushing) Gladly.
Lance: Come on. We've got some food set-up for us over here.
Clark eyes the cemetery with a high degree of uncertainty. He's about to say something when Lance gives him the Lang moony eyes and he finds himself feeling equally moony. They eat and stare at each other like lovesick cows. Lance bats his curly dark lashes at Clark, then leaps into his lap. The kiss is like something capable of putting diabetics into comas, ridiculous sweet.
(PC House)
Lex: I'm sure of it, no I'm certain. That's not a guy, that's Lana in disguise.
Martha: Lex, be nice. Why don't you eat some pie, it will make you feel better?
Jonathan: No, it won't-because Lut-thor is go-in' doowwwnn! ( He sings happily)
Lex: I don't but Clark does and often (Says in a low voice off hand)
Martha: Let's have piece. Eat the pie.
Lex: I never liked pie. But I eat it to make Clark happy, just like Clark does certain things to make me happy. That's what happens in relationships.
Martha and Jonathan: (Brief silence) Get the SHOTGUN!
Clark says goodbye and returns to the house. Jonathan looks like he wants to wrap his arms around Clark and give him s a big bear hug. Martha looks like she wants to plan a wedding. Lex looks like he's ready to keel over in laughter.
Voiceover: Now, it's time for the Martha, Jonathan and Clark to discuss Clark's new choice. (Cue in scene of the family talking pleasantly and shots of Clark alone looking contemplative.)
Lex is sitting on the couch with Whitney and Lance. Whitney looks uncomfortable and Lance looks smug. Lex looks extremely cool.
Lex: (to Lance) Does it hurt? doze
Lance: (eyeballs Lex with a total Ms. Thang'tude) Does what hurt?
Lex: Taping down your boobies, Lana.
Lance: Whatever baldy. Clark and I are going make sweet sweet music.
Lex: So sweet, you'll put me into a coma. (Lex smirks and Whitney laughs)
The Kents return with the final verdict. Jonathan sticks his tongue out at Lex and smiles at the other two young men. Martha pats Clark on the back in a very motherly fashion. Only wishing she could pinch him to remind him to make the right choice.
Clark: Okay. I went on some great dates today. I had a great time with you Whitney at Crater Lake. Lance, you showed me cemeteries could actually be cool. And Lex always make me happy.
But I still have to eliminate one of you. Lance, you're really nice, but I don't think you're my type.
Lance (looks outraged): I guess you're too pretty to have real brains. Have fun with those losers (Exit)
Clark: Now, I have two eliminate one more. Whitney, you're a great guy and I'm glad that we became friends before you left for the military. I had fun on our date, but I think there's still a lot of stuff between us. Lex, I love you, but sometimes you irk the hell out of me when you start channeling your dad.
(Takes a breath) I chose….Lex. Sorry, Whitney but I love him.
(Whitney hugs Clark, shakes hands with the Kents, then leaves.)
Lex: ( The SMIRK is in place. Jonathan looks ready to vomit and Martha looks slightly green.) Clark, when do you start the next term?
Clark: Um…in four weeks.
Lex: Good. I think that's just enough time to go get married and have a global honeymoon, don't you think.
Clark: Whoa yes!
Lex: See there was no need for parental control afterall. He made the best choice.
The End. This was pure crack.