Every inch of her body was numbed by the fear rushing through her body like a raging storm. She stared straight ahead, a million questions flooding her brain; questions she had yet to answer. Her breathing was flat and slow, the unbearable pressure on her chest made it impossible to grant her body as much oxygen as it needed. It felt like the sudden fear was slowly drowning her and she was the bystander watching herself without a chance to get out of her misery.
The level-headed Dr. Isles was at a loss of what to do; her ever so sharp mind refused to work. She didn't know how much time had passed since she tried to leave. The last months of her life were dominated by the attempt to settle into the daily routine she used to stick to; trying to block out the terrible things that had an impact on all their lives. She tried to ignore the looks they were giving her; it was a mixture of pity and respect.
But most of all Maura tried to forget about her feeling to get her life going and that turned out to be the hardest part. The emotions that weighed down on her while she waited for Jane to make it through her surgery, after she shot herself, broke her and it was a wound she had yet to recover from.
It seemed to work considerably well until she decided to leave her house to see Jane. Even now, the thought of losing Jane numbed her entirely. She couldn't breathe and a part of her wanted to scream and cry but she found herself breaking into tearless sobs instead; the fear greedily taking charge of her body. She couldn't stop or move and she was grateful that she was all alone in her living room. She laid her face in her hands, her body shivering with the never ending sobs.
Maura closed her eyes, feeling dizzy. She tried to concentrate on her respiration, slowly regaining her composure. The thought of a life without Jane caused her physical pain that she felt deep within her heart. While Jane was at home, refusing any kind of help with her stubborn attitude Maura suddenly felt unable to come up with the strength to leave her home while she was left to deal with her own demons.
That was just the way Jane was; she might not be able to change that and she didn't want to hear it. The more minutes that passed, the angrier she got. She was furious with Jane for not taking this seriously and for endangering herself. Maura was angry because the detective pretended to be fine though nothing was fine at all. She was furious and felt so lonely; she'd spent the past weeks caring for the stubborn detective and it felt like she never even looked her way. She'd seemed so preoccupied with acting like the though one that she didn't notice how much her best friend needed her. Maura felt helpless and her need to be with Jane was growing every day, too big was the fear of losing her again. She wasn't used to not having a solution or having science to back her up; she was at a loss and it made her so angry that she felt the tears burning in her eyes. She slowly paced the room, aware that every part of her body hurt; the exhaustion was slowly taking its toll and sometimes all she wanted to do was close her eyes and sleep until everything was over, but she knew this wasn't the right thing to do. She forced herself to go one no matter what.
She closed her eyes for a moment, the blood rushing in her ears. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down before facing Jane.
"Hey," Jane said when she opened the door about thirty minutes later. For a change she was dressed in a pair of jeans and a simple black shirt and Maura immediately noticed that Jane had obviously surrendered to Angela since her apartment suddenly seemed sparkling clean. Jane stepped aside and the look on her friend's face kept her from saying anything for now. She was surprised but sensed that something was going on and she decided it was best to follow her quietly and wait.
She watched Maura carefully from a little distance. Maura looked around the apartment without a word and Jane thought she might as well be gone. Jane noticed the tension in her friend's body; the way her fingers tightened around the handle of her bag; the way she dropped her head in obvious defeat. She could hardly remember a time in which she'd seen her friend angry about something, but it was always something she could deal with. What she couldn't handle was the way Maura had retreated to the unbearable silence that increased every time they met.
Jane was glad it was Maura and not Angela though. She'd probably make a big fuzz out of nothing and that was the last thing Jane needed now. What she hadn't expected was that she'd find her best friend silenced by her anger and Jane still failed to figure out the reasons.
"What is it?" Jane asked calmly and leaned against the back of her sofa. Maura looked at her and bit her lip, turning her head aways from the detective. "Please, talk to me," Jane nearly begged her; she couldn't stand the silence between them. Maura took a few deep breaths and approached, standing almost right in front of Jane.
"Do you have any idea what I've been through?" she asked and her voice was nothing but a whisper, the anger in her friend's voice scared Jane for a second but what really hurt her was the pain hidden behind these words. Jane looked at her with a confused look on her face; she really didn't get it.
"I've been there when you shot yourself and I've been with you these last few months to help you recover," she said and Jane listened; she had an idea where this was going and she didn't like it, she knew it was going to hurt.
"And all you did..." she started and Jane noticed the change in her voice. "All you did was pretending you were fine. You... you're not as though as you think!" she said and Jane didn't miss the accusation in that sentence. "I've gone home so many times..." Maura said and Jane saw tears glistening in Maura's eyes and she immediately wanted to wipe them away and comfort her, but something held her back. "I asked myself why I'm doing this..." she shook her head and Jane bit her lip in silence. "I felt so lonely, Jane,"she said and her voice shook at the end of the sentence. "I... I felt like I wasn't even there with you because you were so busy with acting your fine, acting like you didn't need anyone's comfort or help, you know that's not true!"
Maura looked at Jane; the detective wasn't though any longer. The ME knew that her words had actually hit a nerve. She seemed sad and hurt; she nodded silently and her eyes locked with Maura's. Suddenly, her anger was gone and all Maura wanted to do was hugging Jane. She needed to feel her presence as close as possible; she was longing to feel Jane's slender arms protectively around her body.
Jane took Maura's hand and pulled her closer; slowly Maura leaned against Jane. She cupped the blonde's face with both hands and softly forced her to look at her.
"I'm so sorry," Jane whispered.
"I was so angry with you, Jane,' Maura said and the tears ran down her cheeks. "The thought of losing you... I... I can't deal with it. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with this any longer... I was so afraid that I couldn't breathe. I can't go though it again. I feel fine and then I come back here and suddenly it's all there again," she said and closed her eyes for a second, allowing herself to breathe; the painful need to be with Jane was slowly taking control of her body; clouding her judgement.
"I was so furious because it brought back everything I tried to forget," she whispered and opened her eyes. Jane saw every single wet eyelash, the tears glistening on her cheeks. She watched quietly as Maura's eyes focused on her lips and before she had a chance to think, she felt Maura's soft lips on her own. She hadn't expected it but she knew it may be the wrong thing to do. After an instant of hesitation Jane closed her eyes and replied to the kiss, soft at first. Her hands snaked around her friend's body; pulling her closer as the kiss grew more passionate with every passing second. Jane felt something inside of her change. She'd been pushing people away for so long that she forgot how soothing someone else's presence could be.
"Maura," she whispered slightly breathless when Maura broke the kiss to place a soft one on Jane's throat. "Maura, sweetheart," Jane whispered but her protest went unnoticed; maybe words weren't what Maura needed at the very moment. Jane tilted her head back and closed her eyes. The touch of her lips on her own skin sent a shiver down her spine and Jane felt her defenses melt away. A soft moan escaped Jane's lips when Maura kissed her bottom lip; leaving Jane asking for more. She leaned her forehead against Maura's, trying to get her attention.
"Don't you ever do that to me again, Jane" she whispered between kisses and Jane parted her lips when Maura sealed hers with another heated kiss; her arms tightened around Jane's body. She needed to feel her; needed her to be close. She needed to know Jane was still there, that she wasn't lonely any longer. She was longing to memorize every feeling; she was too afraid it might be the last time and she needed something to remember. Even that memory caused an immense amount of pain and the tears didn't stop when she laid a hand in her friend's neck to keep her where she was.
Slowly, her hands laid on the detective's waist, sliding beneath the thin fabric of her shirt. She took her time, her hands gliding up Jane's side; lifting the shirt. She paused for a second, her palm resting on Jane's flat stomach. Maura felt her hand move with Jane's breath and Jane lifted her arms without another word and watched Maura calmly when she lifted the shirt above Jane's head and dropped it. Jane was speechless, silence by the sensation of the moment and the sudden emotions that made it impossible to resist. More then that, Jane was deeply touched and sad. Maura was right; she was so busy with herself that she never noticed Maura; she was so desperate not to lose Jane that she pushed everything reasonable aside and came here just to make sure she wasn't alone. She was, after all, just a lonely and wounded woman longing for comfort and a chance to feel loved and alive. Jane was hurt by the desperation in her actions, not because she didn't want it but because she wasn't used to seeing her friend so vulnerable and part of it was probably her fault.
Jane knew she done a lot of wrong things in the past and the best thing she could do was give Maura what she needed. She looked at her friend whose face was still glistening with tears; she gently cupped Maura's face again and kissed her swollen lips softly. Her hands slid down slowly, resting on Maura's shoulders and she let her jacket fall off. For a second, no one moved and all they heard was the sound of their own breathing and the sensation of the heavy tension between them. She didn't care that she could see the fresh scar, it just didn't matter any longer.
"I'm here," Jane whispered breathlessly when she held Maura in her arms, her strong arms tightly around her best friend. The thought of the blonde's naked body on top of hers made her feel dizzy and she suddenly understood why that was exactly what Maura needed. She held her close to herself; aware of their raging heartbeats and they way Maura was clinging to her body. She didn't want to miss a single second of it as she laid her face on Jane's shoulder; her breath hot on her friend's skin. Jane held her still shivering body, her right hand on Maura's cheek.
"I'm here," she whispered and felt the tears burning in her eyes when she realized how much it must've hurt Maura because it'd kill her to lose the woman she held in her arms.
A new chapter of my NCIS/Rizzoli & Isles crossover What We Were be posted soon 3