Hey everyone, (another random idea yadda yadaa) Enjoy xx
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Jackson the gentleman.
Jackson the pioneer.
Jackson the great.
He bricked the path for the fortunate to attempt to follow.
He sets the bar.
He leaves the prints.
Jackson the cruel.
Jackson the heartless.
Jackson the bastard.
He blazes the trail to the abandoned remains of that of mine which once beat with life, and joy and love, but which now only throbs in lonely seclusion, unwanted and unneeded. Only to maintain life, but even that is not worth anything anymore.
He makes all the decisions, ALL the rules.
It's about him.
Not me.
And why should it be any other way?
Spinster.
That's what they call me.
That's what they shout from the outer shells of these four walls that keep me safe.
Safe from what?
…..Safe from…..
I am spinster.
That is my name, that's the title they condemned me to burn onto my reputational exterior whilst I dived into the deep inescapable waters of self hatred.
A spinster!
One who the dictionary deems as ch…childless….u…u…unmarried.
The thing which people label as one that is unfulfilled.
That is me.
Now.
Though, I was not always perceived as the pale lifeless form barely scratching at the walls of survival. I was more than that. I was worth something.
Before…
I meant something to family, and to people and…him.
He loved me.
Oh how he loved me.
Our souls were merged as if by wax and we were one.
'Made for each other' is what he'd say this Monday.
'Born for each other' the next.
And every single hour between.
And chained in stupidity, bucked and weighted by his beautiful deception I waved a path of flowers at his feet and gave to him another body to own.
Held in captivity by foolish blunders I loved nothing more than to entertain him. To be with him. To occupy him.
And together we spread our sure footed legacy, we set examples together. He wasn't alone anymore.
He bestowed on me gratitude in the form of scenery. A shaded attempt to allow me to grasp at the unique perspective his eyes see from day to day.
Pavements of Paris.
Curbs of Rome.
We touched the world together, hand in hand.
No city left inconclusive by our displays of affection.
We were two.
We were one.
One and the same.
We were us.
And then came a third to seal the deal.
The body I gave up so freely began to change as within me began to dwell the intertwined seeds of our passion. The new foundation that we were to rest upon.
The thing that was going to bind us together...unbreakable.
We were going to be unbreakable….
I could tell
The deep watery eyes he flashed to me were the sign.
The joyous curve of his mouth was the verification.
The cry of absolute elation and then impetuous bout of perpetual eroticism were the stamp.
This was us forever and on.
Forever and on… …Ever and on…
But then came the note-worthy day that god conjured, specifically to curse me with.
Under the wondrous sky, I lay on the grass and struggled to rise up.
Hands wrenched in the grass so as to aid myself weakly.
I released cries out in pain and then for help. Letting the tears merge the crystal sky and turn it an inky black.
Let it cloud over and blind me.
Only for me to arise in a clinic.
Her eyes were upon me.
Her clipboard in her hands as she spoke words that ripped me in an attempt to turn me inside out and leave my innards exposed to more pain. More infection.
It was from there, i was informed, that no more seeds were to bloom.
None were to grow and evolve.
None were to live.
It was dead.
A piece of me deceased.
Irrevocable.
Inactive.
Useless.
Yet in the blinded rage of my pain I found my clumsy way back to him.
Through the fog they walked to HIM! ONLY TO BE TRIPPED AND KICKED AWAY!
KICKED! ….away….
I bawled in his caressing arms as they moved and massaged me into a comprehensible state. His eyes appeared afraid.
Concerned.
He cared.
What is it?
The simple question that lead me into this trepidation.
My tremendous state of oblivion enabled me to follow through with an answer.
The answer to answer all questions and doubts.
The answer that brought me here.
And when I tell him of what unfairness and of the inauspicious burden I have been casted to endure by god himself.
The dishonorable disability that is shunned and pitied by society.
The inability to do such a simple, purposeful function such as to bring life.
What every woman is designed for….
He releases me.
Those eyes attach themselves to mine before briefly assessing the outer part of my womb.
He knows we can never have our solid foundation.
He knows of the loss.
He knows of the hurt.
Of the need to be comforted.
Yet…
He lets go.
My arms hang loosely by my side.
My face contorts into misunderstanding as he takes slow yet healthy paces backwards. Towards the door he means to exit from.
Edging closer to it….further from me.
Like I am dirty.
Like I am a stain, a mistake.
Erasable.
Detestable.
As if I were soiled…
A savage.
Dangerous.
…Worthless…
He let his mouth hang in horror while he slowly but surely escaped the binding. Cut the ropes and freed himself.
From us.
From one in the same.
From two in one, and brought us back to two separate, individual things.
His eye reattached themselves only for me to see that they were broken.
Unravelled.
And quickly frosting over with tears as well as a steel glaze.
And just like that they shut me out. Frozen over with apparent regret.
Blocking me from reaching the warmth and the love that once entrapped us both and letting it disperse into nothingness.
As if this was nothing.
We were nothing.
Nothing more than those two separate individuals.
He turned those broad icy shoulders on me.
Exited.
And left it all for me to cope with.
To brace and withstand.
To helplessly search the missing pieces for and attempt to clump them together in my mind.
Hopefully to make sense of things.
But I didn't understand.
I didn't know why.
I didn't know what to do but curl upon his bed and weep tears until I felt sick.
Till there were none left to shed.
Day after day passed where I lay and waited for his return, but he did not come back to me.
He didn't come to save nor rescue.
He wasn't a heroic knight in studded armour.
He was a coward, who stood back and receded to the shelter of the shadows to watch me fend for myself.
It took weeks of convincing, but when I had forced…forced myself to digest the fact that he was just so, I managed to just about let go.
With a bitter taste in the mouth, left from vile words that hacked our bond to shreds and with a face dripping ugly tears that he'd deem unsightly to ever return to, i buckled to my feet and gladly slipped into the waters of anguish and self detest.
Feeling like I was everything he made me out to be.
I was nothing.
I was beneath the status that entitled me to a thing called care.
And with snakes growing out of my head, my eyes turned to stone as did my heart never to love another soul again.
Never to feel worthy of being made for someone.
Not able to imitate the expected functions of a real lady.
I was not a lady.
I am a creature left lurking under the waters of recognition. Where warm soft, caressing hands still lurk. Roaming my skin in a torturously familiar manner.
Left never to forget.
He had a loss.
Yet he lives.
I had losses.
…and I am dead…
Spinster.
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Hope you liked it, comments would be much appreciated xx