Disclaimers: Obviously this whole tale of angst and woe is a spin-off from JKR's awesome books. We have kept people in character only to the point that they have remained the same sex as she designated them. And a big thanks to Jim Hensen and his awesome muppets for loaning us material.

Petunia No!

It was a beautiful day; the sky was clear, birds were chirping, even the squirrels were down gathering acorns for the winter. It was what the people on Privet Drive call a normal day, calm and peaceful; funny how that can change so quickly.

Petunia looked out into the front garden in order to check up on her nephew and perhaps yell at him while she was at it. But, when she caught sight of him standing there with his shirt off, sweat gleaming on his quidditch toned body, her breath quickened! She stared as he lifted an arm and brushed his messy black hair from off his cheek. As the arm came up she noticed that his baggy jeans drooped slightly and her nostrils flared at the sight of a light tracing of tiger stripe that disappeared into the waistband of his boxer shorts. She hadn't even felt this aroused when she was a young girl and had first met Vernon. She wanted to tie him up on her bed and have her way with him.

Vernon, who was just returning from work, noticed that Petunia was staring out the window with 'that' certain gleam in her eye. He silently offered up a prayer for the poor soul on the receiving end of that look before following her line of sight. Seeing that it was Harry that she was eyeing up, he quickly hurried into the house.

Petunia did not stop looking out the window just because Vernon was home. She heard him put his briefcase in the closet with his coat before making his way into the kitchen. Even when he gave her a peck on the cheek and inquired about her day her gaze remained solidly on Harry.

Petunia snapped out of her daydream of Harry and whip cream when she heard the front door snap shut and lock. Glancing quickly around to see whether or not it was Harry, she pouted in disappointment when she saw that it wasn't. The syrupy smile reemerged on her face as she had an idea. But, before she could act on it, Vernon came striding back into the room, "Don't even think about it." He said. There was clear warning in his tone.

"Think about what, Vernon?" She asked in the most innocent tone she could muster.

"I know that look, Petunia. You had better leave Harry alone! I will not allow you to do such things to the poor boy."

"Vernon, darling, you have yelled at the boy forever and you've given him plenty of beatings. I, for one, think that it's time to give the boy a little love." She said in a wise tone, or at least she thought so. She even nodded her head sagely to encourage his compliance.

Vernon's face started to turn purple, "OH NO YOU DON'T, WOMAN!" He glared and huffed while eyeing his errant wife. "If I find you molesting that little boy, so help me God, Petunia, I will..." He tapered off into incoherent sputtering. "He does not need that, Petunia! The boy has a Dark Lord after him, he doesn't need to dodge a rapist in his own house. Now leave the boy alone!"

Vernon realized that there would be no talking sense into the woman. It was going to be a lot of work keeping the boy safe, but, he knew from first hand experience that Harry was no match for Petunia in heat. He and Dudley would simply have to do their very best to protect the boy; besides, his company frowned on incest. It just wasn't the done thing.

There was nothing else to be done except to contact that freak school of see if they could take the boy away. He figured that the sooner he sent the note the sooner he could get some rest. It was going to be a long week from the look of things right now. Vernon found his son in the living room, "Dudley, bring pen and paper and meet me out in the front garden now!" He stressed the NOW to get his point across. Surprisingly, Dudley did as he was told without complaint.

Outside, Vernon wasted no time in calling Harry over. "Yes, Uncle Vernon?" Harry asked nervously, he wasn't oblivious as most people thought when it came to bad news being revealed. Uncle Vernon was visibly agitated but, something was off because he did not seem to be upset with Harry himself.

Vernon took a deep breath before he started, "Dudley, I need you to keep an eye on Harry until we can arrange for him to be moved to safety. Something has happened to your mother and we need to keep her from getting her hands on him."

Dudley's mouth opened and closed a couple of times before a look of realization dawned upon his face, "You don't mean..." he trailed off.

Vernon nodded his head, "Yes, Son, I am afraid it has happened again."

Harry, clueless little virgin, had no idea what the hell was going on. "What has happened, Uncle? Did I do something wrong?"

Dudley looked at Harry, pity and a touch of fear clear in his face. He placed a large hand on his shoulder, "Harry, if Mother comes in the same room as you the only thing to do is run. Get out of there as fast as you can."

Harry looked at his cousin and uncle in confusion, "What are you guys talking about?"

Dudley looked at his father and said, "You tell him."

Vernon gulped and faintly wondered how Harry would take to this little bit of news, "Harry...your aunt... well she is not technically a squib. Somewhere in the Evans line one of them mated with an incubus. To be brief about it, your aunt wants to make you her sex slave."

Harry laughed. "Good one! You almost had me going there."

"You'll be more than going if she gets her hands on you." Dudley added. "Do you remember what happened to the postman a few years back?"

Harry blanched. "The one who was sent to Mother of Mercy Hospital babbling about a strange woman who abducted him, and kept him in a closet under the stairs for several days while she repeatedly molested him sexually?"

Father and son both nodded solemnly. "Yes, Harry, that one."

Harry meeped. "That was true? Aunt Petunia really did that to him?" He began to shiver uncontrollably. "Oh, please, Uncle Vernon. Don't let her get me. I'll do whatever it is you ask of me. Just please don't let her get me."

Dudley gleefully added, "She also molested the milkman, but that was outside, quite early, he managed to get away without too much damage."

"Enough already, you stupid boy." Then glaring at Harry once again, Vernon continued, "Now, let's get a letter written to your freak school. That old headmaster of yours had better know what to do. Don't just stand there boy, call that ruddy owl of yours." Uncle Vernon was having flashbacks to his military days. (We decided that Uncle Vernon belonged to the HRH's Royal Navy. After all, JKR can't think of everything.)

Hedwig appeared even before Harry whistled for her. Vernon glared first at the bird then at Harry. "I thought I told you to keep that bloody bird in its cage."

Harry nodded solemnly at his OOC uncle. "You did tell me to keep her in her cage if she was in my room. You did not say that I had to keep her cage door latched."

Dudley smirked at his obviously snarked father. "I think you should just let it go this time. After all, Harry does not have to go upstairs and bring her down. And if I am right, and I am always right, Mummy is up there 'cleaning' his room for him."

Harry looked rather more ill than he had a few minutes ago when Dudley had mentioned the postman. "Do you reckon she will find those Play Wand magazines I brought home for you?"

Vernon perked up slightly as he finished writing the cryptic note to Hogwarts. He handed the note to Harry and let him read it. Then turned to Duds and inquired, "That wouldn't be that bisexual magazine where the pictures...?"

"Yup, Da. That'll be the one."

Harry having missed that particular exchange was still concentrating on the matter at hand. "Wow! Uncle Vernon, this is so cool. I did not realize that you were so brilliant! And it is so succinct!"

Vernon beamed at the black haired imp. "Well, boy, what did you expect? After all, I do sell drill bits for a living."

The note read: Crackpot in charge of Hogwarts School of Idiocy and Promiscuity, Come immediately to save HP from fate worse than Voldie Pants. Boy will not last the week without professional intervention. V.D.

Hedwig liked the Potions Master because he spoiled her with extra treats and nutrient potions so she took the note to him instead of to Dumbledore- it was a sort of sixth sense precaution since she knew the old guy would just pretend that he never received it.

The note amused Severus Snape immensely. It seemed that someone was on a first name basis with Albus Dumbledore and was not in awe of him. That the note had come from the residence of one Harry Potter had not escaped his attention. He was about to go upstairs and ask Bumbledork if he could go see what the problem was just so he could meet the person in question.

He waited until Hedwig had drunk some water and demolished the mouse he had conjured for her. Then up the steps he went. One would not recognize the fact that Sev was nearly bouncing with excitement: this promised to be almost as much fun as one of Lucius Malfoy's orgies. Severus was too fanatical about personal hygiene to participate, but, the voyeuristic opportunities kept him amused for weeks after the event.

Albus stared at Severus blankly as he demanded that someone go immediately to check on Potter. "What in the name of Circe have you been brewing now, my boy? You aren't actually taking this note seriously are you?"

Severus arched a perfect brow. "Of course I'm taking it seriously. There is obviously a threat of some kind against Mr. Potter and it needs to be dealt with. You are just being a prat because Mr. Dursley insulted you." He glared at Dumbledore until the old man looked back down at the note then turned to pet the owl sitting on his shoulder. "Besides, we know that you always take good care of Mr. Potter don't we pretty girl?

The owl gave him an affectionate nip on the finger that was stroking her. He beamed happily at the lovely owl as he waited for Albus to come to the decision that he was the only one available to go and therefore needed to be on his way.

Albus was disinclined to take the note seriously for some reason. He read it several times but could not formulate a sense of urgency regarding the demand. It was with the utmost reluctance he finally agreed that someone should be sent to check on Harry.

Severus glared at him for a full ten minutes before Albus worked up the courage to ask him if he would be so kind as to visit Mr. Potter and assure himself that all was well with him. "Right, I had better be on my way then." Then giving the old man one last glare he added to Hedwig loud enough for Albus to overhear. "Let's just hope our ikkle Harrikins is still alive because this letter is at least 36 hours old."

Hedwig bobbed her head up and down in agreement. She hooted in appreciation when he slipped her an owl treat as a reward for being so agreeable.

He disappeared down into the dungeons calling for his valet/house elf. Snape loved taking road trips and the M1 from Edinburgh straight through to London was a real treat to drive in the early hours of the morning when you can cruise along at 130kliks per hour with no stress.

The Snapemobile was broken out from under its dustcover and given a quick swipe with the cleaning cloth before it was brought round to the front of the castle for Master Snape. Snoopy, Snape's personal house elf whom he brought from Snape Manor when he moved in (Snape has a fetish for Charlie Brown. ) then went up and carried Master Snape's bags down and placed them in the boot of the cherry red 1975 Chevy Corvette Stingray waiting for Snape. (Fragonknight02: Dude that is a sweet car. I know 'cause I went on Google and looked it up.)

Dursley time is figured from when Hedwig flew north with the letter.

Some four hours later:

Vernon returned from taking the boys to ASDA (1) where he had purchased some new game boy cartridges for Dudley. They also sneaked in some electronic gadgets which Harry and Dudley raced upstairs to work on. Petunia watched them until Vernon walked past her and waved a glass of chilled Black Castle in front of her. The sleeping pills he dosed her with ensured that the night would not have any excessively unspeakable happenings.

Some twelve hours later:

Harry was getting ready to cook breakfast when Petunia cornered him in between the stove and the sink. Harry was so shocked that it took him several seconds to remember to hit the panic button he was wearing. By the time he had remembered to do so, Petunia had his shirt off and was starting to work on the rope belt he had inelegantly (But quite cleverly) knotted several times.

It was only a moments work for Dudley to come tearing into the room and grab Harry up in his massive arms and head for the door as he called out, "Thanks for helping Harry, Mum. He can finish getting ready at the pool though. There is a public dressing room there and he can put his stuff in the locker while we are swimming."

Harry giggled enchantingly as he was jostled out the door by his life- saving cousin. As they headed down the street Dudley smirked at him.

"What are you smirking about Duddikins?" Harry asked innocently.

"You know how you always tease me about being a baby whale?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I am going to show you just how wrong you are about my animal form! I am not a baby whale- I am 'Big D' the killer whale!"

Harry, thinking in wizard mode for once, blurted out his thoughts. "I did not know squibs could do animagus forms. How did you learn?"

Dudley laughed at the sheer idiocy of his cousin. "I wasn't talking about changing shape, Harry. As part of my boxing routine my coach has me swimming three times a week, and I have really started enjoying it. I am a lot more agile in the water than on land."

Petunia watched them going down the street. Her eyes narrowed as she watched her prey escape once again. "How do they bloody well do that?" She hissed.

Never mind. She could always clean house to work off some of her frustration. Dudley's room could always do with a good going over and if she took a few extra minutes and read some of his magazines...well, he would never mention it to Vernon even if he did notice.

Some twenty hours later:

Harry was just putting the mower back in the shed when Petunia appeared from nowhere and yanked him into the hot dirty shed. (Just kidding- we all know the Dursley's make Harry keep the shed clean and neat.) It only took Harry a few seconds this time to initiate a cry for help.

Dudley arrived within seconds. "Thanks for helping Harry look for the football, Mum, but Piers has one we can use." He grabbed Harry up, "I'm sure Daddy won't mind too much that Harry has not finished all his chores. But, we need him. Got a three-a-side footie and he is an awesome wing." Then before Petunia could contradict him, he once again took off like someone had lit the fires of hell underneath him.

Some twenty-four hours later:

Harry had just stepped into the downstairs water closet and began unzipping his fly when Petunia picked the lock and started to open the door. Harry's button got pushed in record time. This time Vernon showed up. He grabbed Harry away from the frothing sex maniac and said, "Petunia Dearest, would you mind ever so much going to Tesco's with me?" Keeping his bulk between Petunia and Harry he motioned for the boy to go hide. Petunia glared at him. "You two can't keep him safe forever you know. I will get my way with him."

"Petunia, please. I really do want to go shopping. You know how you always love nude shopping night at Tesco!"

"It is Thursday isn't it?"

"Yes, Dear."

"Oh Vernon, you really are too good to me. Of course I want to go shopping with you." Under her breath she added, "Just let me go upstairs first and have a quick go at Harry. Then I can probably enjoy the evening rather nicely."

Vernon heard her. He took her by the hand and led her out to the car. "Come on love, you're just the thing the way you are. No need to waste time trying to get all dolled up when you are already perfect."

As he walked around the car to get in, he phoned Dudley and told him to make sure Harry got a bath and was baricaded inside his room before they got back. He would try to keep her out as late as possible so that Harry could get a few minutes peace and quiet but could the boys please keep in mind that he had to go to work tomorrow since it was Friday.

Some thirty-six hours later:

Harry found himself tucked in at the breakfast table between his uncle and his cousin. Petunia was cooking breakfast, a pleased smile on her face.

Dudley was the first one to notice anything was off. "I have never seen Mummy cook using that bottle before." He said eyeing the small container as it disappeared into her apron pocket.

Harry looked at Dudley and whispered, "What?"

Dudley nodded toward his mummy. "She just put a small jar of something in her pocket. She dumped some of it into the eggs."

Harry pulled out his wand and murmured, "ACCIO bottle!" The bottle flew out of her pocket and smacked into his outstretched hand.

Uncle Vernon reached over and grabbed it. He looked at the label then pocketed the bottle. He then indicated that the boys should get a move on. He stood up and with one arm around Harry he looked over at Petunia and said, "Petunia, dearest, I just remembered that I have an early appointment. I will take the boys with me so they can look around. My boss has some lawn work that he wants them to do."

Petunia's smile was immediately replaced with patented Snape glare #43. (You will die for avoiding my trap.) "Since when has my little Duddikins started doing lawn work?"

Dudley bounded over and bussed his mother's cheek. "No worries, Mummy. Daddy won't let him over-work me. But, I do need to get more exercise. My trainer says that it will be easier for me to lose weight and gain upper body strength if I actually do some physical work."

Petunia pouted as they all headed for the front door. "I hate my life!" She whined.

Harry looked at her solemnly from terrified green eyes, "I hate your life too, Aunt Petunia."

Vernon just glared at his errant spouse and hissed, "I'd hate your life if you had one!"

As Vernon loaded the boys into the car they could hear Petunia shrieking in anger as she dumped the uneaten breakfast down the sink into the garbage disposal. They all offered up a small prayer of thanksgiving for escaping so lightly from the 'thing' that had its face pressed against the window malevolently glaring at their retreating vehicle.

Some forty-two hours after the letter had been sent a beautiful sports car pulled up into the driveway of the Dursley residence. Petunia almost drooled as a tall thin, but well muscled, man unfolded from behind the wheel. She eyed the body clad in a black bitch slapper with a sadistically smiling rabbit which read 'I SMILE BECAUSE I HATE YOU' and baggy jeans with plaid boxers showing appreciatively. After being unable to ascertain whether he 'was packing' she decided to look at his face.

Her breath caught at his naughty boy image. His long black hair was pulled back in a ponytail and kept in place with a Union Jack print dew rag. Wrap- around RayBans hid his eyes and a delectable stubble covered his lower jaw. Then another hiss of frustration was emitted by the perpetually on-heat Pet as she acknowledged the bunny skull and cross bones earring dangling from his right ear.

Petunia met him at the door and jerked it open before he could ring the door bell. "What ever it is you are here for you big skinny faggot just turn around and bag your wanna-be hippy ass right back out of here."

"Hello to you too, Petunia. I see the years have been kind and you have grown into your ravishing personality." Snape snorted. Then the light clicked on. "Ah! Your tendency to ravish delectable young gentlemen is the reason I was called to come retrieve Mr. Potter."

"You are not getting your filthy gay hands on my nephew! He is my responsibility and I am not letting him leave this house."

They were still bantering at the front door half an hour later when Vernon brought the boys home. After seeing Snape, Vernon asked Harry if he would like to go in and start dinner while he made a quick trip back to the office for some specs that he was working on and had forgotten.

Dudley ran his usual interference by greeting his mummy with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As he was going on about what a great time they had cleaning out the locker rooms down at Vernon's gym, Harry slipped past him and began pulling out the pots and pans to get started with the cooking.

Severus followed Harry into the kitchen. "Could you possibly spare a cup of tea before I head back to Hogwarts, Potter?"

"Yes, Sir." He pointed to a chair in invitation but Snape ignored him. "Are you here about the letter, Sir? I think Uncle Vernon is about at his wits end with Aunt Petunia. If you don't take me away from here before she rapes me, he just might wind up killing her. She really has him annoyed this time."

"This time! Has she tried raping you before?"

"No. Not me. But she has raped the postman, the milkman," pausing then added, "Uncle Vernon says there have been others but he is trying to keep the gossip to a minimum."

Snape gave an involuntary shudder while muttering, "Yuch!" under his breath. "That thing is almost as repulsive as Trelawney."

Harry drifted over to him and placed a steaming cup of tea in front of him. "She's worse actually. Trelawney, as far as we know, doesn't have any magical sex maniacs in her family tree."

Snape's grin scared Harry almost as much as Petunia's strange new obsession. "Sir, please tell me that you are here to get me away from here. Uncle Vernon and Dudley are safe, but they are already exhausted from keeping me out of her clutches."

Just then Petunia entered the kitchen. "I knew you were here to take him away from me." She shrieked as she lunged at Severus. "You can't have him, he is mine!"

Severus stood up and glowered at the woman. "You need to start learning some self-control, you nasty..." He sputtered for a few seconds as he searched his immense data banks for a term to suit her, "You filthy freak!"

Harry gave a terrified shriek and lunged for Snape. Before Petunia could get her hands on him, he had sunk to the floor and wrapped both hands and legs around the Potions Master's leg.

Severus looked down at the cowering boy with a mildly curious look. "Potter, what in the name of Merlin is wrong with you?"

"I'm exhausted. Look at me, I've been run ragged. I'm nothing but skin and bones. My nerves are shot. See, I am even twitching." He holds out a hand that is shaking rather badly.

"We have potions to take care of that."

"No! Just get me out of here. I can't take it anymore."

"At least get off my leg."

"No. And if you don't get me out of here I swear I'll... I'll hump your leg!" Harry threatened him hysterically.

Footnote: 1. ASDA is a British shopping center; much like WalMart in America. (footnote added per request.)

Next up: Does Petunia get to keep Harry? What are Lucius Malfoy and his niffler doing at the Dursley residence? And how exactly did Harry get hold of Voldie's phone number anyway? Fragonknight3 says: Harry looked in the yellow pages. He also found the LOFT OF DOOM and some black light posters. (good story- can't remember the name but it is under voldie/lucy.) Standard disclaimers: We only wish we owned it! Few thoughts are original- we are great at recycling though... And a big thanks to UNDERNEATHTHEBRIDGE for letting us borrow your ideas and we want everyone to read your incredible story: Voldie's special meeting with Lucius and Severus. (includes hugs and kisses). Robin Hood Men in Tights, Spice Girls the Movie, Winnie the Pooh and others.