Chapter 1: The beginning

This was the coldest day of the year, but I honestly didn't care at all. This was a new chapter of my life, and I was determined to make myself better. Alexis broke up with me yesterday, something about not having promise, and I can't even fault her for doing it. I'm a failure, in almost all that I've ever done. When I was younger I thought I had promise, talent even. If I was honest with myself, I think I still do. But I've lacked grit or determination or resolve, some would even call it the will of fire, however you call it I know I lack it in spades. I've quit just about everything I have ever, studies, sports, even the job i got as an engineer. I told my family I wasn't suited for the company culture, but really if I was being 100% real with myself, it was hard so I give up. Alexis was right, I am probably the classical definition of a loser, I have achieved nearly nothing in my life, and if I kept going the way I have been I might as well kill myself. So I decided to change! I will remake myself, and from today forward become someone who can be proud of myself. Alexis give me my reminder, and I will do what I can to make the most of it.

I have set my schedule out:

First, I will go back to school, I did good in my classes and with my work experience I should be able to get into a masters somewhere, in two month.

Second, I will start taking care of my body, eat right exercise and sleep at none-ungodly hour rather than my normal 2-4 am.

Third, I will get a part time job, so that I can feed myself instead of living with my parents.

I want to be able to respect myself and I will use this pain to do it. Even though my family have given up on me, I will not give up on myself. Even now, when I know I'm pretty much as shitty a person as I can be, I believe in my talent. Sure the turtle won that race against that rabbit, but in the real world there's no finish line until, and it doesn't matter how far I'm behind, I can catch up as long as I start running. You know, unless you're dead.

(timeskip: 1 year...)

Coincidently, today is again the coldest day of the year. This year was the most significant year of my life so far. First I got a part time job as a kitchen appliance salesman, not the most glorious but I made enough to move out of my room in my parents house, they were a little sad to see me leave, but it was clear they were happy to see me gone. I now live in a little apartment in the shittier part of town, but I might be able to move soon, as I got a higher percentage from my company, being the MVP 3 month running, doubling the sales of the next guy over. My Masters will be done in 2 month, I have had mostly good marks, and I would have to decide if I want to continue doing a PHD or if I wish to get a job in engineering again. I somehow never poisoned myself even once, as I learned to cook, being the overconfident jackass that I was, sometimes I...adjust...the recipes. It's always been edible so far, and sometimes it even taste good, I won't say better than the original recipe, because I haven't tasted the original… you know, since I made up my own version. I've also joined a gym that I go to twice a week, I tried to get up and run at first, even brought a few dumbbells, but by myself I can never really summon enough motivation in order to keep going more than a day or two, so I joined a boxing gym. Learning to get my ass kicked really helped my self confidence, I'm not even kidding. After the first two month at the gym, the owner decided that I could use some actual training, and helped my out a bit, come one month later, I was sparing with the actual "disciples" of the owner. Mostly I learned how to get hit, how to fall, and how to move around and dodge abit before getting hit and falling. It was hard but rewarding, and honestly I feel like I can defend myself alot better now, even though all I've hit was the punching bag, and most of what I did was hop around. It might have sucked in the beginning but everything was worth the effort!

And it really did. Suck I mean, it really did suck. All of it did, not just the getting hit in the face part. Talking to strangers, kissing their ass in order to convince them to buy some over priced knives or pots that they didn't need was hard, and extremely degrading and I hated it. Especially so at the end of that first day, when you have been out there for nearly 12 hours, and came home with nothing to show for it, not a single sale, well that sucked. It also sucked when you start reading the book, and after an entire chapter, when you try to do the questions at the end, and find out that you don't remember anything you have read, that you somehow zoned out while reading, and the only thing you remember was at the start of the chapter the author told you why he wanted to an engineer; he wanted to learn how to build things because his older brother smashed his new telescope when he was a kid, and wished he could make those, so he'd never run out of god damn telescopes. Yea, and the reason you remembered was because you thought it was funny as hell, and wondered if you could stack them cartoon style and see the moon super up close. It sucks having to eat vegetables and having eggs as the only source of protein. And it sucks having to run 10k a day in order to build up the muscles needed to be eligible to fight.

What got me through it wasn't the burning drive to prove everyone wrong about me, but every time I wanted to quit, Alexis's face pops into my head, how she told me I didn't have potential. I didn't want to prove her wrong, not anymore. Honestly I didn't even care much that we aren't together anymore. But when that image pops into my head, it feels just like it did that day she left me, like someone found a jackhammer and smashed it into my chest. Well that's not quite right, because jackhappers would be a more… crushing feeling? At Least that would be fast. It's more like there's a boulder on your chest and it's slowly crushing you. Except that's not right either, because if there was a heavy rock on top of you, I'd imagine it would almost feels safe, on top of the pain. So add that with the small hammer, that has recently been heated in a fireplace, and it smacks into your heart everytime it decides to take a beat, and that it what it feels like.

I have been getting better, as I get better and become more like a real person(pinocchio reference? Don't sue), the pain have slowly been fading away, they do say that time heals all wounds or something… You know what I'm still a realist, I'm pretty sure they mean that if you're dead, it doesn't matter if you lost your arm or leg, you die the same way, because there is no chance that time really heals all wounds .. I digress, I have been getting better, and instead of the pain motivating me, I let my success drive me instead. Instead of going back into that book when I think about Alexis, I instead simply want to know more. I still hate vegetables though… why is it that rabbit food is what's considered healthy? I have been requiring less and less of the pain to keep myself going, and other than the few times where I randomly find some invisible ninjas chop onions in my room, I feel almost… good? ...Maybe?

I believe myself to be on the right track, so I just got to keep going. Newton's first law was right, things in motion wants to continue to be in motion haha.

(timeskip: 2 years)

This is the coldest day of the year, It's been three years since Alexis left me, honestly I don't think about her much at all anymore. I been doing my PHD for two years now, and will probably apply for the early graduation. I now have a gig at the university as a TA (teaching assistant) and do a few classes, they pay quite a bit, and I have a part time selling luxcious cars to rich middle age woman. Yes it's that specific, although other dealers don't specialize as much, I have a really high sales rate with them, something like almost 80%. Its 78% but almost 80 just sounds so much higher and more impressive. The commission is great, and I find that kissing ass much easier when the pay is more than 9% of the total sale price of the car. We markup the price of the car by about 30% of what we pay, and as MVP for the last 12 month running, I get a 30% cut of the profit made, unlike the 25% other plebeian make. It's sleazy but 30% mark up is just the average, you see a car can be sold at different prices to different people, and the thing about luxcious cars sales is that not only are there very few dealerships around, making comparisons harder to make, the people buying also don't usually ACTUALLY care about how much they are paying for it. They are all smart, and usually they know you are ripping them off, so it's more of a open secret. You make them feel important, and they are willing to buy the car from you, it's that simple. Sometimes I feel like I can sell the machines at 100% profit margin if I was willing to go for it, but I just don't have the heart for it.

Well like I was saying, I hardly think about Alexis anymore. Sometimes she pops into my mind and it hurts a lot less than it use to… 3 years ago. I am bring this up because I see her now… right in front of me. Well this is one of those TV moments where you go HIDE and jump into a nearby conveniently placed bush and pretend to not exist. Sadly there are no bushes around, only a really spiky small flower patch that would really hurt if I was dumb enough to jump into it, another reason not to do that would be umm… she is looking right at me. Oh god TV why fail me now?

"Hey..."

Well that's the most awkward thing that came out of your mouth as long as I know you Mason, and I've known you forever... what the hell?

"Hi…" She replied

Ok this is not expected. What do i do?

"Umm I should get to class."

"Yea me too…" She says

What? She has class? I suppose this is a good time to mention that Alexis and I met in school, not this school per say but during our undergrad we went to school together. It was in this city but I never knew she went back to school. What is she studying? Is it my business?

"Well I should go" She waves as she escapes the most awkward conversation of my life

Well at least it was less painful than I imagined… Oh nope, there it is, that rock hammer fire combo is back in my chest. Ignore it, power through. She left you, and wants nothing to do with you, and you are not a stalker who follows people around, god damn it Mason, I can't believe you'd even think of following her to class…

I take a deep breath and kept going.

Not looking back was so so so goddamn hard.

I lied about going to class, in fact I didn't have any classes anymore. I finished all the required classes for my field and all there is left is my thesis, which I worked on. There was however the class I was TA for, and as I turned up for the session who do I see? Alexis! Yes. Goddamn Alexis. No reader you don't get cookies for guessing it right. Because OF COURSE the universe would make this happen. Well atleast I wasn't the only one shocked. The look on her face as I walked through the door wasn't nearly as funny as the one she made when I introduced myself and started my rundown of what we will be covering that day. Needless to say I was sure she would have switched out of that TA class as fast as she could. Except she couldn't. See there was only about 15 masters students taking this classes, and add the 3 over achiever bachelor's you get 18 people. 18 people is not going to have 2 TAs for it, so I am the only TA for this course this year, and there is even only one time slot for it. She could choose to drop the course, but of course that means she has to take 2 years to complete her masters instead of her normal one, since the course is not offered during the summers. Then she would have to come back NEXT year, where I will likely AGAIN be the TA of this course, unless I somehow magically finish my paper within the next year. Which is actually what will happen. I am pretty close to being done, but the source checking will probably take 2 month and I also have to get the board to approve it since it's my PHD paper. So that would be another 4-6 depending on if they go at snail speed or sloth speed. So yea it's going to be a while before I'm out of here, and unless she's willing to waste years of her time, she's going to be in my class.

She apparently recognize it as well, because the next week she comes to my office hours to speak to me in private.

The knock was quiet, but not abnormal, I get a lot of people coming to my office hours, but not usually this early in the year. She managed to surprise me when she came in the room, since I didn't expect a face to face confrontation.

"Alexis, umm hi. Do you have a question about the problems that were assigned?"

I tried to be as professional as possible, but I know what's coming out of my ass is steaming bullshit, she would never come to my office hour for a question, and if she had no choice, she would at the very least bring a friend. It's what I would do. Being alone now means that she is here to confront me, and my heart is about to literally pop out of my fucking chest.

"Mason, I just wanted to talk with you. We left on pretty bad terms, and I said some hurtful things when I was… leaving…"

Ok, this is normal. She is afraid of me ruining her life. The TA portion is 15% of total mark. If she wants to not fail out of masters she needs at least a B+ which is a 75 or above. The highest anyone is getting in the finals which is worth 25% is 60 and after bell curve it will likely land around 80 ish. Which means that she already automatically lost 5 percent minimum, from the final, that is IF she gets the highest in the class. The 15% from TA portion is supposed to be mostly free, every student pretty much count on it. So if I give her a bad enough mark, she can get under B+ which will automatically fail her out of the program.

"Alexis you can stop there, I will mark everything fairly. I don't look at names when I mark and what you get will not magical change to something else as I enter it into the system. So you can relax."

I can't pretend that holding some sort of power over her is a real turn on, however even I have bottom lines. And besides the fact she is here shows what she thinks about you. Queue the rock hammer fire combo, well it hurts just as badly as it always have.

"I'm sorry, that's not… I know you wouldn't do that Mason. It's just this is really important to me and I couldn't have a peace of mind without talking to you about it first."

And the combo is gone. Damn this girl has me wrapped around her finger still and it's been 3 years. Hell she dumped me in such a bitchy way, and I still has it out for her, I'm seriously god damn hopeless. If I was someone else and I met that person, I'd probably tell him he's the most stupid person I have ever met in my life.

"Ok Mason, I guess I will see you around"

As I was thinking about how much of an idiot I was, she smiles. And suddenly there's butterflies in my stomach again. I must have had the dumbest look cause she giggles about before turning to leave, closing my door. Ok what the hell was that? What's wrong with me? Wait did she just giggle? Does she want me back? Do I want her back? AHH hold your horses what the fuck am I even thinking of? A relationship off of a fuckng giggle? I'm pathetic. I lightly slap myself in both cheeks and force the thoughts out of my head. I continue the research on the paper, but I can't help feeling a little more upbeat for the rest of the day.

It's been two weeks since I made a fool of myself. Alexis has a boyfriend.

Yes, she's taken and I still think about that giggle from two weeks ago.

I'm pathetic.

I think about how much of an idiot I am, and how I have probably zero self respect. Honestly if this was some TV show or a story, the main protagonist will cold heartedly go NO! You left me now wallow in regret. Well that's apparently not me. I have a limited capability to be angry at people and can't seem to get over my ex. God I even thought I was in love with her over the last week. Over a GIGGLE. Oh just let a bus run me over please. Or random falling piano. That was always my favorite way to die. I once made a list of 100 comical ways to die, and dying of falling piano is my favorite. It's just so random. You walk down the street then suddenly piano falls on your head. What's the chances of that? Has it ever happened? I don't think so, but I always give myself a chuckle when I think about it haha.

As I was daydreaming I see a truck actually coming, and I look around me, in order to make sure there's nothing that can accidently push me into the trucks way. Because that would really suck.

Good no random pianos.

The truck passes me and I am of course unharmed, what kind of isekai novel would it be if truck-kun just killed my to further his dao I chuckle to myself as I head home. But as I slowly walk towards the bus station, I see Alexis down the road a short ways from me, listening to music. I see a second truck coming at her, but she didn't seem to notice. Wait isn't that the same truck as before? I wonder as I shout at Alexis to move. The truck is coming too fast, I barely have time to reach her before it's right in front of us. She gives me a look of surprise as I push her out of the way, while leaving me to truck-kun. I never did manage to finish anything, but I suppose I saved the person who I loved. That has to count for something right? Alexis… hopefully you're happy with your boyfriend, I feel genuinely happy for her now that I am dying, at least there is someone there to help her get over someone dying in front of her face… I am a probably a terrible son, even during my last moments I never really give my parents much thought, I wish I spent more time with them now that I am at death's door. Haha I was never the kind of person who would die without regrets anyway. I lived with regret and died with it, a fitting end for a dumbass I suppose.

And then it was white.