Enfin Trouver L'amour
A Oneshot
By Kawaipanda
For the most part, everyone was asleep in their beds. I was, after all, the only one in my head at the moment. Since I'd asked to patrol all alone, I assumed the guys were making the most of it: catching come much appreciated sleep.
No one questioned why I asked to take the patrol for tonight. Of course they didn't care. I was, after all, the biggest bitch in La Push as stated by Paul, echoed in thought by everyone else. And I was a big girl. I didn't need the help of anyone from either pack when doing patrol. I was the fastest of us all. After making my rounds, I headed for the cliffs. There weren't any vampires around for miles except for the Cullen's, and they were at home, doing whatever it was that they did. Jacob was probably there, crashing on the couch as he often did. I knew his imprint was either cuddled up next to him, or being guarded by her mind reading father. Nessie was a growing girl, almost fifteen in appearance now. Only a couple of more years until she was "of age" to be with Jacob.
I shuddered. It was still a bit weird thinking that Bella had only given birth a few years ago to Renesmee, but because she was half leech, she grew up a lot faster than the normal human, but whatever. To each their own.
It was a beautiful night out. For once, it wasn't so cloudy and the moon was shining brilliantly, illuminating the ocean. Cold waves broke the shore at a constant pace, spraying the rocky shoreline with salt and sea. The beauty of it all almost had me regretting my decision. Almost.
I perked my ears, listening for any sounds that shouldn't be there before silently shifting back into my human form. I didn't bother with clothing since I was all alone, instead strode purposefully for the cliff. As I neared it, I smiled sadly before I perched on the edge, both legs dangling over the side.
It was lightening up a bit, and I knew that sunrise was soon enough. I had time. Drawing a leg up, I laid my head down on my knee and just watched as the sky slowly changed colors. Only the faintest hint of pink began to illuminate the shore line.
Pink.
A tear found its way free, and I knew it was going to burst the dam. I had promised myself I wouldn't cry. Not today, and certainly not right now. After all, it was supposed to be a happy time. Or at least, a bittersweet one.
Today was the day. After being cursed to the life of a shape shifting freak for the past five years, I had finally come to the conclusion I should have years ago. One that would have saved me from a lot of trouble. Once the sun broke the horizon, I was going to jump. I was unable to keep from spiraling out of control anymore. The pain… it was endless. Like a sea of black that I was forever drowning in. Nothing I did kept me afloat. The only relief I ever had was cutting.
"Leah?" At the hesitant voice, I went still, my eyes shifting to the door.
"…" Of course I recognized the voice on the other side of the door. How could I not? She had single handedly ruined my life. A low growl of warning slipped me before I could stop it, but it was far too low for Emily to hear with her human senses.
"Leah, I know you're in there."
"…" I snorted, looking out of my window.
"Aunt Sue told me you're there, so stop pretending like you can't hear me please." She knocked on the door briefly, and I could hear her lean against it, tracing designs on the wood. She sighed. "Can't you come out for just a minute?"
When I gave no answer, she pushed back off of the door, pacing for a few moments before settling in front of my door once more. Couldn't she take a hint?
"Leah..." She sighed again. "When we were little girls, you remember the promise we made? About being one another's maid of honor at our weddings? Well, I was wondering if you would–" I didn't even give her the pleasure of finishing her sentence before I'm across the room, ripping the door open.
"No. Hell no. I don't even know what the hell you were thinking coming over here, asking me to walk down the aisle with you to watch you marry Sam. Why can't you get that through your thick skull?" I demanded, the shaking was beginning to become more than I could handle, the itch to shift strong. Just because it had been a couple of years, she still thought I was going to be able to accept this so easily.
She bit her lip, replying, "I understand that you're still upset, but it's-"
I laughed, bitterness beginning to creep into the harsh sound. Shaking my head, I replied, "No. Upset doesn't even begin to describe how I feel Emily. Just leave, before you end up with a matching set of scars on the other side of your face," I snarled. Her eyes began to tear up and she nodded before turning and leaving the hall.
"Why do you have to be so mean to her sis?" Seth asked. I hadn't even known he was home, so I was a bit startled when he spoke. His eyes were dark, but I could see the conflict in him. I knew Seth. He was my little brother. He was always torn between his loyalty to me and the packs.
"Whatever." I turned my back on him and slammed the door shut behind me. Because that wasn't enough to make me feel better, I stalked around the room, pacing. The tension was steadily building up, and I knew that soon I would be phasing.
Why did it feel like even though Seth was my brother that he was constantly on everyone else's sides? Why? Tears burst forth, and I picked up the frame that was on my nightstand, throwing it at the wall as I screamed my frustrations. Immediately I regretted my actions. It had been a photo of my dad. Shuffling to other side of the room, I knelt beside the mess and gingerly plucked the picture of from the debris. It was when I was bracing myself to stand back up that my hand slipped and got sliced open on a shard of glass.
That was only the beginning.
After I cut, I strangely felt a little better. While it had stung, the pain was nothing compared to the black sea within my soul. If anything, it was like a life raft. I wasn't human, so the cuts never left any scars—it didn't matter how deeply the blade bit into my flesh. And the funny thing is, I'd been doing it ever since, and never once did I get caught— not by the packs, not by my family. Not anyone of importance…
When I was around the others, I made damn sure my mind was far away from that. Otherwise I'd be given looks of pity, disgust, whatever the fuck went on in their minds. I just knew it wouldn't be pretty. I'd rather just keep my title of bitch, thank you.
The only one who ever found out from a brief slip up was the blood sucking mind reader that went by the name Edward Cullen.
It was one of Nessie's birthdays. Not the yearly one, but rather the ones that the vampires had devised to make it look like she'd had a normal childhood. It wasn't like I wanted to be here, but after all, she was my niece. Sue wanted me to play nice after hurting Emily's feelings.
I was surrounded by the sickly sweet stench of vampire.
It was Nessies' "eleventh" birthday, and just like every other time, it was extravagant. And by extravagant, I mean overdone. It was too sophisticated for someone supposedly turning eleven. It didn't feel "kiddish" at all.
And in a lot of ways I pitied her.
"Why?" Edwards voice came from behind me. Jacob, my alpha, was sitting on the floor next to Nessie, with Seth beside them, while Blondie and Muscle hovered. Moody was a bit further away, but still in the circle with Doc. Bella was handing her gifts that everyone had bought her. Well, more like the vampires, because the wolf pack couldn't afford to buy her gifts like that every couple of months. Alice was with Mother Hen in the kitchen. Of course he would be reading my mind, out of everyone else here, Leech.
Why do I pity her? I directed it at him this time.
"Yes."
Why wasn't he with his family…? I wondered briefly, but whatever. I pity her because would never be able to have a normal childhood. She doesn't get to experience what we were allowed. Visions of my childhood flashed, brief glimpses of being carried piggy back by my dad as he carried me through the woods for some father-daughter time, to beating up the bullies at school who dared to pick on my baby brother.
She has not just you and Bella, but everyone to be her parents. She isn't going to be allowed to experience life in the way we did. She doesn't get to struggle to achieve something. She doesn't get to even fall in love. Her life has already been taken away from her.
I look at him then, and he doesn't say anything. Instead he walks towards his family, joining in on the festivity. Shrugging, I turned away and turned back to the party. Alice decided then to come out with the cake. It was tall, and most likely delicious. After all, the leeches had years to perfect their cooking. But that didn't mean I was going to eat it. I probably wouldn't enjoy it because of the smell.
As Alice set the cake down, Nessie was prompted to blow out the candles, while Blondie took multiple pictures. When all was said and done, Alice began cutting the cake.
It was a good sized knife, and I briefly thought about my last session. A look of horror spread over my face, as I shot a look towards Edward. He was looking at me now, concerned. When he opened his mouth, I shook my head viciously.
No. No. No. No! Don't—please! Don't say anything.
He closed his mouth, his eyes flickering to the door.
I'll meet you outside. He nodded subtly. Turning my attention to Jacob, I thought briefly of telling him I was going to go, but he looked so happy. I didn't want to ruin it for him. Without a word, I turned and walked out of the room, making my way to the door. Within no time, I was outside, able to breath in clean, fresh air again.
I walked towards the border of our land and theirs, knowing Edward would be following me soon enough. I didn't transform. I didn't want to risk any of the others being in wolf form right now, especially when I needed to talk to Edward.
I stopped just short of the border, and waited. I didn't have to wait long.
When I heard the snap of a twig, I turned around, and there he was.
"Leah, you've been cutting yourself." It was a question.
I smiled bitterly. "I have."
"Why?"
It appeared then. The black sea. It was back with a vengeance. I felt my smile waver, and the moment I breathed in, I knew I was crying.
"You need help, Leah."
"No. I don't."
"Leah—"
"Look Leech-boy. I'm fine. It's not like I'm trying to kill myself or something. It just helps me deal."
"I still think it would be a good idea for you to tell someone."
"Well, I told you, didn't I? Involuntary as it may be. You now know. And you're the only that's going to know." Just thinking of Seth and everyone and how they would react had the waves back again. The feeling of hopelessness was strongest, and I was feeling panic beginning to set in. I didn't know what I'd do if he ratted me out.
He sighed. "Fine. But the moment you know you cannot handle it anymore, I will have to tell someone."
I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you Leec—Edward."
I smiled bitterly. I was a liar, but then, that's not the worst I could be. At the time I meant it, but I knew that I could never ever tell him I was past the point of no return. I mean, how could I talk to him when he was a part of the problem? It was because of him and his family that Sam turned into a shifter. It was because of Sam turning into a shifter that he imprinted on Emily. It was because I was so fucking broken from catching the two together that I ended up becoming the first female of my kind, and giving my father a heart attack.
The root of all of my problems laid in Leech-boy and his coven.
If they hadn't been here, I would be normal. I would have a life, a happy life. I would have Sam, I would still have a sister. I would be married and happy. I would be human. I would be a mother….
A mother. That was what burned me the worst. I was forever frozen in this form so long as I shifted. I didn't even know if after I quit if I would turn back to normal. Would I once again have my monthlies? Would I be able to carry a child, like Emily had done for Sam?
A baby. I snorted.
She found out she was pregnant early on into their marriage. Of course she did. Because that's what she was. Little miss perfect. She was like the mother hen to the wolves. Forever cooking up a storm for the bottomless pits that were us wolves. All of the imprints looked up to her, wanting to emulate her and her marriage with Sam. She was the perfect mate while I was the genetic dead end.
They only got married a year ago, and they were already parents. Of course I was envious to the point where I hated her. I refused to even go near that hellhole that was their home anymore. And she didn't come by the house to bother me anymore. I think it was more of Sam's doing though, because he feared for her and the baby's life. Like I would kill her.
When they got married, I stayed in wolf form for over two whole weeks. I couldn't find anything within me to transform back. And like Jake, I ran. I travelled the Canadian border for a while.
I decided to come back because I needed to move on. I was supposed to be moving on, but it was hard when I was forced to face Sam almost every day. I was unable to move on because I had put my heart and soul into that man. He had been my everything and in the blink of an eye, he was another's without hesitation.
When I was informed through the grapevine—via Paul who was trying to rub in the fact that I was as barren as the Sahara Desert—that Emily was pregnant, I found myself cutting deeper and deeper. It was the only way I could function.
Of course, I got calls from a certain mind reader, who was concerned when he heard about the pregnancy through Jacob. I spoke to him on occasion sometimes. Only when it was too strong for me to bare all by myself. I had to talk to someone about it. Sue was just… she was busy with Charlie. Ever since they'd gotten married, I tried to keep from seeming upset around her. She deserved to be happy.
Seth… he was just a kid. He didn't need to know that his sister was on the verge of taking her own life. He was happy being a wolf. He had friends and he needed them more then he needed me.
So, yes. I talked to Edward when I was at my absolute worst. He, of course, had several degrees and was able to coax me through it but I found myself getting tired of the endless cycle. Leaving La Push wasn't an option—I had nowhere to go and I sure as hell wasn't going to take a handout from the leeches.
And because I was so fucking tired of seeing the pitying looks from everyone who lived in La Push, and the annoyance on the wolves from "not getting over it" I'd made the decision to kill myself without much of a debate.
I chose today because of what it represented.
It was Valentine's Day. The day of love and their lovers. Something I would never receive again.
I stood then. By now, the horizon was full of pink and purple clouds. The sky was a mixture of orange, yellow and blue. The water seemed to reflect quite a bit of the colors painted in the sky. I smiled then, imprinting the image into my mind. It was a beautiful sight. Worthy of being the last I would ever see.
"Miss?" At the abrupt voice, I went rigid. I didn't recognize it, and I shifted to see the intruder.
He had a camera in his hands. It was the first thing I saw when gazing upon him. A tourist? The next were his clothing. He was wearing shorts and a tee shirt and I noticed backpack was situated several feet behind him, against a tree. The wind came from his direction, and I knew he was definitely not a vampire. But I noticed that he did smell good, in a straight to the loin's kind of way.
Was he….
I looked into his eyes then, and I knew. He dropped his camera, so enraptured in this first meeting of our eyes. It shook me to the very core, and all of the darkness, the pain, Sam and Emily—it all went away, and he was all that mattered.
My imprint.
I smiled, walking towards him, watching as he mirrored my actions, a dumbstruck look of adoration on his face. And just like that, I knew everything was going to be okay.