Disclaimer: Not mine.
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Rain beats steadily on the car, a dull metallic 'ting' sounding the arrival of each drop. Water streams down the windshield, distorting the street in front of us. I find myself almost hoping that our guy won't show, so we won't have to go out into the rain. I had no intention upon setting out for the precinct earlier this evening to return soaked to the bone. Of course, if our guy doesn't show, that might mean another woman raped in the morning, so I decide not to say anything about it and try to dispel the thought entirely from my head. As thunder cracks overhead, I realize that I can't forget it, so I try to occupy myself with counting the 'tings' that represent raindrops. I get to about fifteen and realize it is an impossible task to count every single one, so I give up on that as well.
"What time is it?" my companion asks softly. No, not softly, I correct myself, it's the sound of utter exhaustion mingled with the bitter taste of defeat and the sour taste of desperation.
I glance at my watch. "Quarter to three." That's about five hours of sitting in the car with nothing to do except count the raindrops as they hit the car.
She groans.
"Catch some shut-eye. I'll wake you up if I see anything," I urge her.
"You sure?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
"Thanks, Munch."
I only nod as she reclines her seat and closes her eyes. An hour later I haven't seen anything and she's now waking up; I can tell by the way she stretches that she feels somewhat better. I keep my eyes looking straight, at the building where we're still waiting for our guy to show up near.
"You wanna catch a few?" she offers after a while.
"Nah. I don't think my eyes will stay shut."
She nods, understanding the feeling.
"He's not going to show. This is a waste of time."
"Yeah, just think, we could be home sleeping."
"Sleep. Haven't had any decent sleep in about a month."
"Really? Everything okay on your end?"
I shrug. "Just old age I suppose. Can't fall asleep, even if I sit and read a book until my eyes are burning from lack of sleep." I don't mention the other reason I haven't been able to sleep, but that's probably something she can figure out.
She's quiet for a few minutes, and I can't help but wonder what she's thinking. "Are you seeing Casey?"
That certainly wasn't what I expected. "Yeah. She tell you or was it your smashing detective skills that led you to think that?"
"Second." I nod. "She seems happier."
I snort. "Yeah, happier," I say quietly.
"What? She isn't?"
"No, she is, it's just..." I trail off. She doesn't prompt me like she normally might. "She wants kids," I say finally as I fix my eyes on the water still running down the windshield. Actually, I think I may be looking past it into the dark city.
"You'd make a great father."
"More like an old father. Brings new meaning to the term 'my old man.'"
"John, I'm pretty sure she won't care if you're old, as you so bluntly put it."
"Well, you try putting it not so bluntly. Go ahead, try." She's quiet and I didn't really expect her to answer. I was daring myself more than her anyway. I sigh. "You really think I'd make a good father?"
"Yeah, I do."
I focus on the individual raindrops that navigate their way down the glass. "I just... I don't know. Being a father's a hell of a lot more complicated than being a cop."
"I'm sure you'll figure it out. Every parent figures it out, you can, too."
"That's what she said."
"Good, 'cause I was about to ask if you'd talked about this with her."
"Yes, more than I'd like to admit." I shake my head. "I don't think I'll ever get used to this idea. Fatherhood. Me, a parent. Can you imagine that?"
"Believe it or not, yeah, I can. So, you gonna tell her you wanna be a daddy?" There's a smile in her voice and I look at her.
"Long as you promise not to tell Fin about any of this, sure. Soon as I get home." A smile sneaks up on me, spreading my mouth until I'm grinning like a fool. I close my eyes and lean back in my seat, imagining the look on Casey's face when I tell her.
Me, a parent. Scary.