Disclaimer: This ridiculousness is very clearly a different brand of ridiculousness than that of Rick Riordan's, therefore, the characters and setting belong to HIM. NOT ME. (Duh)
So, I wrote this quite a while ago, actually. Like, maybe a year or so? But first and foremost, for this particular piece of writing, I'd like to give a big thank you to the my editor for this, whose name I won't disclose at the moment, but who apparently goes by frazel-lover on I don't know which website.
And yes this sounds like a script, but it's not, so…
This was originally written in the perspective of one of my OCs, Raven Wake, Daughter of Hades, but I decided to just publish this part, since I had kind of discontinued the full story…
Now, however, some random new demigod I suppose "tells" this in first person, while watching the video with Rachel.
Enjoy?
Beginning
"Welcome new initiate!" says Percy, smiling at a spot slightly above the camera.
"It's supposed to be demigod, you seaweed brain," grumbles Annabeth from behind the camera.
"Whatever. Anyway, this video will be your guide to your first day at Camp Half Blood! Enjoy!"
"Yes, but what about the script?"
The scene shifts.
"Here you will find the rock climbing wall, complete with a fully functional lava-" Percy is cut off by a scream and then laughter as two very similar looking boys race by, shouldering Percy out of the way as a girl with blazing green eyes and matching slime in her hair rushes after them, yelling "I will kill you Stolls!"
Personally, I had no idea how one would go about sneaking fluorescent slime into a heavily guarded demigod camp, but those boys had apparently done it. Respect... Rachel looked stunned. "What the?... I thought they edited this..."
The camera swivels around a bit, and then drops to display a set of seriously hairy legs. Upside down.
"Come on Grover! Please?"
"No! I thought you said that we were going to-... No. Don't you dare do the face. Don't you dare! No! Mercy! I don't even like baby seals!"
The camera shifts and clicks. Someone sighs. A blurry outline of a building is shown.
"Oh well. I guess we're not putting him in the credits… Anyway, this is the Zeus cabin, AKA cabin #1."
"Percy, what are you doing with that camera?" asks a girl now on screen suspiciously. She had startling blue eyes, short, spiky black hair, a cut-off 'Death to Barbie' T-shirt, and a silver circlet around her head.
"Uh, nothing Thalia."
"We're making that video for newcomers," clarifies a new voice from behind the camera.
"Well in that case," says Thalia, putting on a commercial smile, "do you think that you've got what it takes? Are you of the female gender? Then join the Hunters of Artemis, where you will become immortal and eternally youthful, look down on males, and fight monsters forever!"
Percy grimaces. "Thanks Thalia." Turning to face the camera, he says, "Oh, by the way, that's Thalia Grace, the lieutenant of the Hunters.
Wait. The real, ancient, legendary Hunters of Artemis?!
"Anyway, this is the Hera cabin, AKA cabin #2, unoccupied since being built." The camera flicks towards a white marble building, with peacocks carved into the front.
"The meddler herself," mutters the cameraperson darkly.
"Next up we have my cabin, which I have all to myself. Welcome to the Poseidon cabin, AKA cabin #3, the awesomest cabin in-"
"What were you gonna say water boy?"
"Shut up pinecone face! You're just jealous because you're daddy's a-"
"A what? I dare you Jackson, I dare you to finish that sentence!"
No one did figure out what Thalia's daddy was.
Excessive amounts of scuffling.
Percy, now with a rapidly blackening eye, stands in front of another cabin, with grass on its roof, and a door covered in vines. "This is the Demeter cabin, AKA cabin #4. One of the most well known children of this cabin is Katie Gardner, the current head counsellor, famous for being the target of about 94% of Travis Stoll's, son of Hermes, pranks, all of which committed in the name of love."
"I heard that Percy!" yells the girl with grass green eyes from out a window, her hair apparently washed.
Percy's back is shown as he flees from a full on Hermione style animated leaf attack, while the person from behind the camera snickers.
More scuffling.
"This is cabin #5, cabin of Ares'... "children"."
Spears, pikes and javelins surround the cabin, stuck into the ground, creating a very effective military style defensive barrier.
"Let's move on, shall we?" asks the still unnamed voice, which was high from fear.
"Yeah," Percy responds brusquely. "Before the children *cough* ofthecorn *cough* find us..."
"Oh for Zeus' sake, just give me the camera Leo!" suddenly exclaims a voice from somewhere behind the filming person.
More scuffling.
"Come on, I was using that!" complains the first voice.
"After last Christmas, no one trusts you with a camera, Leo." Says the second voice, which I recognize as Annabeth's. "Besides, this is my cabin, I should do the introduction. In fact, Percy, come here and hold the camera. Oh, wait, one thing first."
The camera flicks around, resting on a scrawny looking boy with a grease smudged shirt, tool belt, and mischievous smile.
"Presenting Leo Valdez, Argo 2 captain, son of Hephaestus, and repair boy extraordinaire. He also, I'm told, makes good tacos."
"Hey! Who are you calling a repair boy? I'm the Super-Sized-Mcshizzle-Man-Bad-Boy-Supreme! And my tacos are amazingly delicious, not 'good'. Oh, and ladies," he looks into the camera and tries for a devilishly handsome grin, somewhat failing, "I'm sorry, but I'm taken."
His voice is the one that had been behind the camera for the last few minutes, I realize.
"Leo!" says Annabeth in an exasperated voice. "Here, take it, let's move on..." The camera is handed to who I assume is Percy.
"This is the cabin of Athena, AKA cabin #6," says Annabeth with a proud smile, "Home to the children of the goddess of wisdom and military strategy, whom I am one of."
"Easily distinguished by their grey eyes and scary demeanour, as if they were plotting against you and your country," adds Rachel helpfully, though I can tell she is only being playful, poking fun at a friend.
The scene shifts. Again.
Percy stands before a glowy, bright cabin, looking at the camera intently, like someone had just notified him that he'd been looking at the wrong place the whole time. "This is the Apollo cabin, AKA cabin #7. Apollo, in case you didn't know, is the god of the sun, music, archery, poetry and healing." He looked proud to have memorized the 'long' list. I half expected him to look around and say to himself, "I deserve cookies!" "For that reason," he continued, "you will find that the Apollo kids have a greatly varying range of skills. Speaking of will, here comes a child of Apollo now!"
Percy pulls Will Solace into the frame and addresses him like an interviewer would a witness to a robbery. "Mr. Solace, would you like to contribute to this video by doing an interview?"
"Um, no..."
"Great!"
"Percy-" interjects Annabeth, maybe hoping to stop the next inevitable Solangelo Questioning Period.
"What is your opinion on the fashion choices of a certain-"
"Percy, I have to leave. Now. I need to be in the OR in less than ten minutes, now please go find someone else to interview."
"Oh. Okay," says Percy in a disappointed voice, moving onto the next building.
"Well, this is the Artemis cabin, AKA cabin #8, only used by the Hunters when they occasionally come to visit," he says, turning around so that his back is now to an apparently vacant and somewhat silvery cabin.
"It's mostly just honorary, since Artemis is one of the maiden goddesses, and cannot break her vows to have any children, demigod or not," Annabeth can't help but add.
"Yes, Annabeth, I know you once were an aspiring Hunter of Artemis, no need to be so nerdy," teases Percy from in front of the camera.
Complete silence; yet he started backing away, murmuring, "I was only kidding… I was only kidding… Please don't judo-flip me into the lake again..."
More clicking, unintelligible muttering.
"Hey, it's Uncle Leo, here to tell you about the wonders of the Hephaestus cabin, AKA cabin #9. One of our fallen brethren,-" Percy snickers. "Shut up Percy. I can speak smart when I want to. Anyhow, one of our fallen brethren, Charles Beckendorf, -probably one of the most skilled children of Hephaestus to ever live-, had made this," he steps aside and the camera zooms out, revealing a huge, apparently inanimate bronze dragon, with dull ruby eyes and a slightly open-hanging mouth.
I can't help but gasp. The dragon is huge. And it's beautiful.
"Behold, Festus the Dragon!" Leo does a very complicated and very stupid type of little bow, with much hand furling and proclamations. Nothing happens. "I said," he says in a louder and more prompting voice, whilst staying frozen, bent at the waist, "behold, Festus the dragon!" With a roar, the ruby eyes come to life, its wings unfurl, and the dragon stands, sending a column of white-hot fire into the sky. "Now that's what I'm talking about buddy!" Leo yells skyward to his bronze dragon, pumping his fist.
"Yeah okay whatever Leo, are you going to actually say what you were going to say and introduce the Hephaestus stuff?" asks Annabeth from just out of frame, sounding as if a giant blow torching dragon taking cues from a scrawny Latino kid was no big deal.
"...Nah, I'm going to give them all a Leo Valdez style tour of cabin nine!"
"Sorry Leo, we just don't have the time. We've got to get to all twenty cabins after all," says Percy in the doctor's voice of 'you've got cancer'.
"Fine. Well have fun at cabin ten anyway..." says Leo, giving the camera holder a mischievous wink.
"Leo!" yells Annabeth, scandalized.
Percy quickly puts down the camera, going to part hug reassuringly, and part restrain Annabeth. Leo nearly trips on the camera as he flees from Annabeth's Tartarus level glare.
Much more scuffling. Silence. Then the camera is picked up again, facing the girl that is filming. "What?! Piper was in on the video too?" says Rachel in a miffed voice. "No fair... I want to be in the remake."
"Percy, you ready? Oh. Okay, one sec," Piper clicks some buttons, zooms out, and turns the camera on Percy, who is standing in front of a sickeningly bright highlighter pink cabin, complete with feminine figures whom I couldn't quite tell whether they were dolled up mannequins or humans.
"This is the Aphrodite cabin, AKA cabin #10. Piper, mind telling us what your first words on this place were?" asks Percy with a grin.
"Yes, ha ha, fine. I had said 'Gah, is that where supermodels go to die?'"
"It looks like an overgrown Barbie house!" yells a girl who just happened to be walking through the frame. She had a ripped up camo bandana tied around her head, and the sleeves of her Orange CHB T-shirt were ripped off to reveal well-muscled arms. A few holes were burned through her shirt, and some black patches were visible on her forearms.
"Hey!" says an Asian girl angrily, whom just did a movie style stage entrance by doing the hair flip and striding out of the cabin door. "Fine Clarisse, but your cabin isn't much better; it's pretty much a deathtrap!"
"That's the point, sweetheart," replies the girl with a wicked grin, as she stalks out of the frame.
A gasp. "Wait, are you filming?! Ohmygods I have to get ready!" The Asian girl runs back into the cabin, letting the door slam behind her.
"Um, okay. Thanks for that Drew. Oh, to the viewers, that was Drew Tanaka, daughter of Aphrodite, and Clarisse la Rue, daughter of Ares." Percy cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well as I was saying, this is one of the-"
"Okay, I'm ready! From the top!" Drew all but charges out of her cabin once more, coming up to face the camera and standing obnoxiously close to the lense, then pestering Piper with filming 'tips'. Her face seems to be even more heavily caked in makeup than before, if such a feat were possible.
Percy slips out of the frame, and Piper runs after him, leaving a glammed-up Drew alternately gaping and glaring behind her. "This is cabin #11, the Hermes cabin. All unclaimed demigods stay here until their true demigod parent claims them. This is because Hermes is the god of Travellers, -among other things-, and- Hey!" Percy sighed. "And thieves. He's also the god of thieves." He starts blushing, as his pants are now pooled around his ankles, revealing Ariel print boxers.
Rachel averted her eyes, muttering about having a word with Percy, though I had no idea what a 'titanium chair leg' had to do with such a conversation.
"I really shouldn't have let any of the Hermes kids get acquainted with Passalos and Akmon."
"No, you shouldn't have," agrees Annabeth solemnly.
Percy looks around in vain while pulling up his pants, probably wishing he had a belt.
Then I realized that the problem wasn't really about a belt; It appeared that someone had stolen the zipper right off of Percy's pants.
A lense was put over the camera screen, though not turned off, so you could hear a fair bit of shuffling and cursing coming from the general area around the filming device.
Rachel fast-forwarded a good half hour; the filming crew seemed to have apparently completely forgotten about the camera.
"Okay people, we're back on!" Percy smiles at the camera, holding it up to face himself. His recording crew seemed to have abandoned him. "Well, this is the Dionysus cabin, AKA cabin #12. Dionysus is the god of wine, and our assigned camp director. The head counsellor of this cabin is Pollux, a son of Dionysus."
I was surprised by Percy's sudden seriousness. I guessed that he decided to add some structure to the video to make it go faster, and potentially prevent any more unexpected issues.
"Now, I'm going down the female side of the line of cabins, just so I can make this go a bit quicker. Once we're done over here, I'll double back to the male side. The cabins are arranged in the shape of a Greek omega, with all the male gods' cabins on the left, and all goddess' cabins on the right, with the exception of Dionysus, Nike, Tyche and Nemesis. At least, that's what Annabeth told me… Anyhow, this is the Iris cabin, AKA cabin #14. The head counsellor is Butch Walker, who is known to be one of our best equestrians when it comes to the pegasi.
Percy continues walking, stopping at the next cabin.
"This is the Nemesis cabin, AKA cabin #16; Head counsellor being… wait." At this, he got a very confused look on his face. "Who is the head counsellor?" he muttered to himself. Pasting a bright smile on his face, he kept walking, saying, "Moving on!" and probably hoping he could cover up his mess up.
"This is cabin #18, the cabin of Hebe. Hebe is the goddess of youth. Next cabin!"
Percy seemed to be getting into the video now.
"And this is the Hecate cabin, AKA cabin #14. Hecate is goddess of Magic. The head counsellor is Lou Ellen Blackstone." Percy looks up. "Speak of the devil," he murmurs. "Hi Lou! Want to do an interview for the CHB initiation video?"
The camera flips around to show a girl.
The person shown has long black hair, the tips dyed bright purple and red, topped off with stunning green eyes.
The same colour as the Mist, I realize.
"Not really. Sorry Percy, but besides, I'm going to the Christmas Party Planning Team Meeting, I don't have time." She walks away at a brisk pace, and Percy, the camera now facing him, stares at her back, aghast.
"How come I'm not on the Christmas Party Planning Team?" he says in a heartbroken voice.
"Because," Lou Ellen yells over her shoulder, "You aren't qualified." She steps up to the Hermes cabin, knocks, whispers something at the door, and then is hustled in by what looks like Connor Stoll.
"Not qualified?! First I'm not Nico's type, then the fish-horses didn't want to meet me, and now I'm not even qualified to help plan a Christmas party..." he sounded so sad, but I thought that h-
Wait a minute. What did he mean not Nico's type?!
I apparently missed quite a few seconds just processing that information, because by the time I had unfrozen, Percy was standing in front of the next cabin,
"We are now on the male side of the cabins.
Our first stop is the Hades cabin, AKA cabin #13. Head counsellor and only current occupant as of yet is Nico di Angelo, son of Hades."
He turns to face the cabin, showing the Iris cabin in the background. "Hey Nico, do you want to do an interv- oh. Um, busy, k."
I wondered what had happened. Percy looked flustered and awkward, so I assumed he saw Nico doing something embarrassing. As he walking to the next cabin, talking all the while, I looked over his shoulder as he continued to walk towards the next cabin.
There was Will, standing in the shade of Hades cabin. His bright yellow shirt blended in badly with the dark walls of the Hades cabin. Looking harder, I could just see a mop of dark hair behind Will. The people flipped, and suddenly I knew what Nico and Will had been doing that particular afternoon.
As the guys continued making out against the Hades cabin, Percy turned so the next cabin was positioned in the frame behind him.
"This is the Hypnos cabin, AKA cabin #15. Hypnos is the god of sleep, also associated with dreams. This cabin's head counsellor is Clovis."
Now I recognized his tone; He was doing the video in a tour-guide voice. How annoying.
"Next cabin! This is cabin #17, the cabin of Nike, goddess of victory. The twins Holly and Laurel Victor share the position of head councillor."
Maniacal laughter echoed from inside the cabin. "You can't win! Literally! MWUA HA HA HA HAA!"
Well that's not creepy at all.
Percy grimaces. "Well, moving on," he turns so that the next cabin is visible over his shoulder. "This is Tyche's cabin, who is the goddess of fortune, among other things."
He talked more, and the camera got jostled around as Percy walked along.
"Those are the Pegasus stables. Hi Butch!" He waved to a seriously ripped dude with a rainbow tattooed onto his bicep, and a smaller and newer looking tattoo of a Pegasus underneath it.
"That's the pavilion, and that's the campfire pit, and that's the building where the afternoon mythology lessons are held." He points out each location as he walks past.
I look away, bored, and notice that Rachel had somehow acquired a bag of popcorn. I quirked an eyebrow at her. She shrugs and offers me some. Politely refusing, I turn my attention back to the video, which seemed to be wrapping up.
"So here we are, back where we started," says Percy, as he stands once again in front of the Zeus cabin, which was illuminated by the orange light of the sunset. "I hope you found this video helpful," he continues. "If you have any questions, please see your head councillor. Good evening, and Welcome to Camp Half Blood!"
The End
A.N.
Well, what did you think? Good? Bad? Mediocre?
Also, if you have any plot ideas you'd like me to consider writing, I'm pretty sure I have my PM open, so please, I NEEDZ IDEAZ!
Hope you got some laughs out of that, and thanks for reading!
-timetocreate