A/N: Entry for Fictober 2018, day 8.
Prompt: "I know you do."
The meeting didn't take place in Jerome's penthouse, or in Jacques' residence. It also didn't take place in any of the fancy, in restaurants that Jerome now frequented every day. They arranged it in a small, less known restaurant, where they would be in public but still have privacy.
Jerome repeated to himself he had nothing to hide. The place was chosen for their comfort, not because he was afraid of what his wife would say if she knew he was meeting alone with Jacques Snicket. Esmé had strong feelings about Jacques, and about all the other people who were close friends with Jerome. He wasn't sure of where they came from, or even of why he took so long to meet her if she was so well acquainted with his circle. Esmé didn't like talking about it, and he wouldn't argue. She told him not to meet those people anymore, and what could he say? He didn't want to displease his wife.
(Most of his friends haven't been around for a while now anyway. He supposed that was how life went. People got older, got new interests, died in mysterious fires or got suspicious accusations in their name. They lost touch, like classmates after graduation or a group of survivors after being freed from the building where they had been trapped.)
Still, when the chance appeared, he really wanted to see Jacques. He was still disappointed that his best friend couldn't make it to his wedding, or reply to the many letters he sent without Esmé knowing. Jerome even feared that maybe Esmé's dislike for Jacques was reciprocated, and that now that he married her, Jacques disliked her too. that would break his heart. So it was a pleasant surprise to receive the letter from a waiter in one of his favorite restaurants, so pleasant that he didn't even question why or how did it happen. In it, Jacques explained that he had been traveling for work (which explained the lack of response) and invited Jerome to a meeting. And now here Jerome was.
He soon spotted his friend and took a seat beside him at a table in the back.
"I am glad you could make it," Jacques said, lowering his menu. "I missed you, Jerome."
"I missed you too. I tried to contact you, but you were out of the City and…" Jerome replied, trailing off.
"I'm sorry about that. Things have been a little… busier than usual." Jacques explained, looking away.
Jerome nodded.
"How is your brother?"
"He's innocent." Jacques replied, defensive.
"I never thought otherwise," Jerome said carefully. It was true that Jerome would have given a similar answer to anyone, to avoid an argument, but right now he really meant it.
"Sorry. It's just… it's not a very popular opinion right now." Jacques sighed.
"It must be hard."
"It is. But we have gotten through harder things." Jacques said. He hesitated before asking the next question. "How is married life going?"
It was Jerome's turn to sigh.
"It's good." He said, with not much enthusiasm. "Esmé is a remarkable woman."
"Are you happy?"
"I am," Jerome answered almost automatically.
"You don't sound happy," Jacques noted.
Jerome desperately wanted to change the subject, but he knew that Jacques would notice it and it would only make his situation worse. Jacques always noticed everything. He decided to be sincere.
"I don't know why. I have everything. Financial stability, a penthouse with more rooms than I could possibly use, a beautiful and successful wife. What else could a man want?"
Jacques thought for a while.
"A man could want anything. Many people act as if love or marriage could magically solve all their problems and are the key to happiness. The same for money. But I don't think that's how it works." He said. It sounded very wise to Jerome, and if he didn't know better he would believe that Jacques knew it by his own experience. "For example, I feel happy with my job, living on my own."
"I know you do," Jerome said. Different from himself, Jacques was a person that fought for what he wanted. If there was anything he missed to be happy, he would do all he could to get it, not caring about what others thought.
Jerome was a coward. He had some idea of what could bring him happiness, but it wouldn't be without conflict. He was not brave enough to face it. Things were easy as they were right now. His family approved of Esmé. They were not bothering him for being a single man at his age anymore. He wished he was happy with her.
Jacques lowered his eyes for a moment, then looked back at Jerome.
"What is it?"
"Huh?" Jerome asked, confused.
"What is it that a man like you could want?"
"I don't know," Jerome answered, not looking at Jacques. Afraid his face would betray him.
"You do know," Jacques said, frowning. "It's alright, Jerome. You have the right to be happy. There's no need to hide it."
"There is," Jerome mumbled. "It's not proper. I should have gotten rid of such thoughts a long time ago."
"I don't care for what is proper. And I doubt it is something so wrong to trouble you so." Jacques placed a kind hand on his shoulder. "You can tell me. I am your friend."
Jerome felt his heartbeats accelerating. He couldn't tell him, because Jacques was his friend. He couldn't risk losing his friendship.
"Do you want to start over, Jerome? I could help you." Jacques offered. "You could get away from this city, from that woman, from everyone who pressures you to be someone you are not. You don't need to argue with anyone. We will just leave."
Jerome smiled. That sounded lovely, but he didn't need so much. All he needed was a little courage. He wondered what Jacques would do in his place. Or what Beatrice would do.
How much he missed Beatrice.
"I enjoy married life," Jerome said, feeling the courage raise. He needed to say it now, before it went away. "But maybe Esmé isn't the one. Maybe I could be happy if it was someone else."
"Who?" Jacques asked, frowning.
Jerome could almost feel the word trapped in his mouth. Just a bit more. Just one word. Why was it so hard?
Instead of saying it, Jerome managed to act on it. Quickly, before the last of his courage went away, he pulled Jacques into a kiss. Jacques didn't pull away. Instead, he pulled Jerome closer. The kiss remained chaste, but it was long.
When they parted, Jerome was glad they were in a mostly private space.
Jacques looked down, breathing heavily. Jerome took it as a bad sign.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… I should have asked… I mean… I don't know what I was thinking."
Jacques shook his head. "Don't apologize."
Jerome allowed himself to feel some hope. He tried to ask something, but his words wouldn't come. That resulted in some moments of awkward silence.
"I shouldn't have done it." Jerome finally said.
"Please don't get the wrong idea." Jacques finally said. "I care a lot about you."
"But not in this way. I understand."
"No, that's not it."
"Please, Jacques. Let's just forget this happened. I don't know what I was thinking." Jerome almost begged him.
"No, listen, Jerome!" Jacques raised his voice a bit. It was enough to make Jerome silent, but also terrified. Jacques seemed to notice. "I'm sorry. Please, listen. It's not what you think."
Jerome remained quiet, unable to look at his friend.
"I care a lot about you. You are a wonderful person. And I mean it. I meant everything I said to you today. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy."
Jerome mindlessly nodded. He could feel a "but" come.
"But I'm not it. I can't make you happy."
"How can you know?" Jerome asked in a low voice, feeling a stubborn hope despite something inside of him feeling Jacques was simply trying to turn him down gently.
"Because I am trouble," Jacques said. "To be involved with me, you would be putting yourself in a great danger. I don't want that for you."
Jerome knew he should just accept it, but he couldn't. He didn't go so far to give up now.
"You are exaggerating. A great number of people are involved with you and-"
"Do they seem happy or safe to you? The friends we had in our youth. Are they doing well? You must have noticed it."
Jerome started mentally listing the people, and frowned at the realization that a big amount of them had gone through some terrible events.
"It's… odd, but it doesn't mean anything. Right?"
Jacques gave him a sad look.
"I have lied to you. I'm sorry."
"What?" Jerome asked, confused.
"I'm not a detective. I was out of the City, but it was not the reason why we couldn't communicate for so long. There was someone trying to prevent us from getting in touch."
"Who would do such a thing?"
"Many people." Jacques looked away. "I have enemies, Jerome."
"I'm not following it."
"I am part of something. My siblings are too, so was Beatrice and her husband, and many others. I can't tell you exactly what it is, but being in it, what we do… it puts us and those we care about in danger."
"Then why do you do it?"
"Because someone has to do it."
Jerome nodded, though he didn't fully understand it.
"I… like you, Jerome," Jacques said, sounding hesitant. "And I can't do this to you. I'm sorry."
Against his wishes, Jerome felt his eyes teary. Still, he nodded.
Jacques approached him again, and placed a soft and quick kiss to his lips. Then, he stood up, and muttered a last "I'm sorry".
Jerome wiped his tears, but more came. All he knew was that he couldn't go home like that. Esmé would ask him questions, and he wasn't a good liar.
He once again wondered what Beatrice would do. He had just found out what Jacques would do, and that wasn't helpful.