A/N: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack! This story will not follow my normal MO, so screw off! This is purely a fic written for my girlfriend *creepy grin* Bob the Flying Monkey, who said never to write a story with her and Severus Snape as a couple. Challenge Accepted!
The stars were dancing in the heavens over the roofless canopy of the Astronomy Tower as Severus Snape laid on the floor and glared ruthlessly up at them. Curled up on his chest was his girlfriend Bob.
"Severus, I'm bored," she whined. "Take me out dancing, you turd-faced grease mop!"
But Severus shook his head vehemently. "Dancing leads to babies, and I'm not ready to be a father yet."
Bob huffed, slamming her feet on his knee caps until she was sure he wouldn't stand ever again. Then she got an idea, an awful idea. The chick got a wonderful, awful idea. "If you won't be the father, then you'll have to be the mother."
"What are you – AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Bob clamped her lips onto his face, and began pumping mysterious substances into his stomach through his open mouth. He struggled in vain, flailing like a giant, slimy catfish chucked inland where he couldn't breathe. But he soon passed out from all the exercise and lack of oxygen.
When he came to, Bob was curled up on his chest again, snoozing peacefully as though the strange episode had never happened.
Severus looked around, checked the time, wiped his eyes, and mumbled, "I have got to stop doing acid before bedtime." He slammed his head against the floor and fell back asleep.
The next morning, the sun awoke them from their delirious slumbers, and the dew-dampened couple stood together and walked back to class. They passed by a multitude of judgmental students on their way back to their dormitories.
"The walk of shame," Ron grinned sinisterly.
"50 thousand points from Gryffindor," Snape remarked coolly, then turned and promptly vomited into another child's school bag.
"Aw, dammit! I just bought this Prada bag with my mum's money," the hideously misshapen girl by the name of Brittany whined. Then she whipped out her cell phone. "Mum, I need a new bag stat. I don't give a damn if you're at work doing open heart surgery. Get off your patient's lazy ass and buy me one!"
"Friggin' Brittany," the entire boarding school yelled in unison, as well as Brittany herself.
"Bob, did anything… strange… occur last night?"
"You mean while we were sleeping on the floor of the Astronomy Tower?"
Severus gave a single nod.
Bob shrugged. "You were flailing around a lot at about 4 am. I had to dig my claws into your skin to keep from rolling off. Other than that – no, not really."
"I must've had a bad dream," he mumbled into his robe as he slung his arm over his lips.
"Probably. Your whiskers were twitching like they do when you dream."
Severus stroked his whiskers. "I really should shave."
"But then how will you know whether your head can fit into small spaces when you go scurrying through the castle?" Bob protested.
"Right. I suppose I'll keep them, then. Time for class."
Bob accompanied Severus to the frigid dungeon classroom, where she spent the entire school day crawling around on all fours and batting at the Potion students' pant-legs and digging through their schoolbags. Most of the students had gotten used to it – she'd been Professor Snape's girlfriend/cat since the year began, and this was her daily routine, since she had a time-turner and would attend class later. Bob wanted to spend as much time as she could with her oily pedophile boyfriend. She also had afternoon class with him, and would often engage in conversation with herself when she had finished her assignment earlier than the rest of the class.
Today was abnormal in that the professor wasn't feeling up to par, and so Bob had to teach in his place while he threw up in the supply closet. At first, the students were all getting nauseous as they had to listen to a grown man puking for an hour. But eventually they built up a tolerance to the sound and smell, and Bob managed to teach them effectively by the time class ended.
"Sevy-Wevy Diddy Doody-kins?" Bob called as she opened the door to check on her lover. "Are you feeling any better?"
He spat the dregs of the vomit out before answering. "I think I've stopped for now." Trembling, he got to his feet and stumbled into her arms. He swayed and tilted towards the floor, but Bob steadied him. Then she swiped him off his feet and cradled him against her chest. "Let's get you to bed. I'll make you some food and get you squared away. You just need a long nap and a day off. My little kitten must take a break once in a while."
Severus purred into her lapel. "You take such good care of me. I don't deserve you."
"I know. And I'm going to hold it over your head until you can't take it anymore and flee to Nebraska."
Severus frowned at me, the writer, and said, "That's a little harsh. I hope she smacks you hard when you see her tonight after posting."
"I hope so too," I grinned at my laptop. "I like it rough."
The story resumed as Bob carried the 40 year-old virgin to his room in Slytherin house. "Severus, when are we gonna screw? We've been dating for 7 months, and we're only just starting to do hand stuff," Bob whined.
"I told you I'm not ready yet. Damn, you're a whiney bitch! You don't respect me enough not to pressure me. I want my first time to be special. Why don't you love me enough to wait? Blah blah blah, nag nag nag, whine and complain, whine and complain."
"Straighten up or I'll drop you again," Bob threatened darkly, her innocent smile fooling only those who didn't know her. But pretty much everyone knew Bob. She was loud and obnoxious and funny and smart and beautiful and perfect enough that it was impossible to ignore her. She was the most popular outcast in all of the wizarding world. And friggin' Brittany couldn't stand it one bit.
Brittany, that mudblood poser bitch, stewed in the alcove as she watched Bob carry the needy professor to his room. Brittany had a major hard-on for Snape, as she did for pretty much every guy she'd ever met. She was a snob, and hated everyone, except for herself. But she also was super horny and wanted to do every male at Hogwarts. "Ugh, he's with her again," she griped to herself. "Bob is such a manipulative whore. She's so easy to fall for, with how compassionate and understanding and perfect she is. She's practically a man herself. She likes Star Trek and Star Wars and everything else that I, as a prep, think is super nerdy and stupid. I bet she listens to MCR and Green Day and Metro Station, all of which I have never heard of because I'm so effing preppy. Heavens, I hate her! I want to strangle her with the umbilical cord of her unborn child, which I'm sure she's pregnant with, being such a whore. I hope her baby comes out green or blue. No, she'd probably like that. What a freak!"
Suddenly, Psycho (Bob's best friend since the dawn of time) jumped out of a potted plant and attacked Brittany. "You don't know anything, you little shit! Bob is an angel, as well as a virgin. She's got a lot of class, and you're just a fugly idiot with no prospects for a happy future. Stop taking out your anger on my beautiful angel and go find a Sarlacc pit to die in." Then Psycho shoved Brittany out of a window and walked away whistling.
When Bob had tucked Snape in and lulled him to sleep with a bedtime story, she retreated to his classroom to teach his class for the rest of the day. She was running late and was worried that the students would trash the place before she got there (children can never be trusted). But when she arrived, panting heavily from her jog, she found that Psycho had taken over and was managing the class just fine.
Psycho looked up at her with a smile. "I'm managing this just fine," she told her telepathically, "Go to class now so you can take care of Severus later and not be worn out."
"Thanks. I owe you one."
"No problem." Psycho returned to her lesson while Bob left for class.
A/N: That seems like enough for now. I'll update later when I feel like it. Right now, I'm going to go see my girlfriend and hanging out with her before she can read this and get mad at me. :D