A/N: Okay, this is my first West Wing fic, heehee, how exciting is that?

There're probably some spoilers here mainly from ITSOTG, Noel, and the most recent 2 episodes (constituency of one, and whatever the other is.)

Enjoy!

Chapter 1

"Donna!"

Josh Lyman yelled for his assistant while busy typing on his computer. A few seconds later she appeared in the doorway with her arms full of folders and stacks of papers.

"Don't yell." Josh glared at her briefly.

"I'm going out for a bit, gonna grab something to eat." Donna studied Josh's face carefully after he said this. Josh never used to go out to eat for lunch. He never had the time, he always had her fetching food for him. But since his major screw up in the past few weeks, with his work load noticeably lightened by Leo, he had taken to spending a bit of time out of the office, a hour or so a day. Where he went, Donna had no idea, she doubted he was actually eating lunch by himself in some nice restaurant. She didn't dare ask though. Josh had become so irritable, she didn't even want to think of the consequences if he thought she was prying into his personal life.

"Alright," she agreed. "It's," she checked her watch, "12:15. Know when you'll be back?"

He shrugged. "Whatever, I'm wingin' it." He flashed her one of his charming smiles, but she thought it lacked something it usually had. She raised an eyebrow at him inquiringly. "Okay, okay, I should probably be back by 2."

Donna nodded and smiled at him. He gave her a genuine smile in return and headed out. Josh was very grateful for Donna. It was possible that it was her that kept him sane for the last few weeks, finding off the wall tasks for him to do, trying to make his 'punishment' less obvious. Josh was very grateful.

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"Come in, Josh."

Josh opened the door to the office and stepped somewhat hesitantly inside.

"Hello, Stanley."

Dr. Stanley Keyworth looked up from some papers he was reading and looked Josh over.

"Well, Josh, you had me fly all the way out here from California, to meet you in secret. I had to 'rent' an office for the day. Actually it's just an extra office in a friend of mine's building, it was free. You have your own psychiatrist right here in D.C., this better be good." Josh knew Stanley was joking with him, but he didn't smile. Stanley became slightly concerned at this un-Josh behavior. "What's up?"

Josh snorted. "You know perfectly well what's up."

"Yes, I do," Stanley agreed. "I want you to tell me."

Josh sighed. "I called you out here. There's just something I like about you, more so than my other psychiatrist. I mean, I like him and all, but this is complicated." He paused, trying to make sense of the same problem he had been trying to understand for days. "I don't know. This felt more important. I wanted you."

Stanley nodded understandingly. "Leo, Donna, no one knows you're here today?" He asked. Josh shook his head. Stanley nodded for Josh to continue.

"Well, you've heard, I'm sure. I screwed up, royally, a few weeks ago. I basically caused him to leave the party. Carrick." He said the name with an intense dislike. "It was my birthday." He finished lamely.

"And what happened after that?" prompted Stanley. "Surely there is more to it than a temperamental senator?"

Josh smiled slightly, in spite of himself. "Well basically, I can't do anything anymore. I mean," he corrected himself, "there's some things I have to do. But they let that woman deal with people on the hill mostly. That was a big part of my day. It has its advantages I suppose. I mean, I actually can go places for lunch, you know? And I can leave the office at a semi-reasonable hour at night a lot. But," he paused, fishing for the right words, "something's just not right."

Stanley looked thoughtful as he listened to Josh describe his problem, lying down on a spare couch in the room. Stanley found this interesting as well. Josh, not being one to show weakness, preferred to sit, or pace while speaking, not lie down on the infamous shrink couch.

"How have you been sleeping lately, Josh?"

"Not that bad," Josh started to say, but he caught himself. Lying to Stanley wasn't going to get him anywhere. "Like crap." He said bluntly.

"Any nightmares?" Stanley frowned. Josh hesitated in answering. "Josh.-..."

"Yes. I have a few. On occasion." Stanley looked at him severely. "Alright, alright! I can't sleep without waking up in a cold sweat. If it's not Rosslyn, it's Joanie, and if it's not Joanie, it's."

"Yes?"

"Alright, this is going to sound weird. I actually have nightmares about losing my job. But it's not losing my job that scares me. It's losing the trust of those around me. In my dream, I see the anger in Leo's eyes, the disappointment in Donna's. The President won't even look at me so I don't see anything in his eyes. Leo told me once," Josh paused, composing himself slightly, "Leo told me that as long as he had a job, I had a job. But I can't help but wonder if he had something like this in mind when he said it. How far could I really go before he fired me? He can't afford a deputy who can't even do his own job."

Stanley looked curiously at Josh, not sure whether Josh really believed that Leo would fire him. "Josh, Leo loves you. You know that. And yes, you might screw up from time to time. But the Leo McGarry I have known for many years wouldn't go back on a promise. You've messed up before, but every time you bounce right back and are your same old self after a few weeks."

"Yeah," agreed Josh, "Leo's a good guy. It's just, some times I don't know how he puts up with me!" He smiled a bit, and Stanley took this as a good sign.

"Josh, I wanted to ask you. Other than the fact that you're doing less work, is there anything else noticeably different about work right now?"

Josh frowned. "Well.let's see.There's Will, though he's been there a while now. No one else really.Oh! There's Ryan."

"Ryan?"

"Yeah, Ryan. He's my intern. He's pretty bright, kinda nosy though. He keeps trying to go to meetings with me."

"Isn't that generally what an intern would do?" asked Stanley, slightly amused.

"Well, technically. But, I thought I had this deal with Leo about no interns. Well, as it turned out, I kind of had a deal with myself about no interns, so Leo gave me one anyway."

"I see."

"So, is there something wrong with me that you diagnosed in 2 minutes again?" Josh asked with a grin.

Stanley didn't answer the question. Instead, he asked, "Have you had any episodes since the incident with Carrick?"

Josh paled slightly, and Stanley knew the answer immediately.

"It wasn't exactly an episode," Josh protested. "I controlled it."

"What sparked it?"

"I think.I think it was a door slamming. It was no big deal, really. I just heard it and started to feel panicky. I heard sirens." He paused, regaining his composure yet again. "I pushed the thoughts away and made Donna come in and talk to me for a while."

"That's good, that's good," said Stanley, deep in thought.

"So.?"

"Josh, I think you're having rare, though not unheard of long term effects of the PTSD a few years back."

To Stanley's alarm, Josh began to look panicked. "So you think I was having an episode while talking to Carrick? Did I lose control, like when I yelled in the Oval Office?"

"Josh, I need you to calm down," Stanley said soothingly. "I'm not suggesting anything of the sort. What I think is that perhaps you were just being you when it happened. We all do stupid things, even those of us that work for the President. I think that it's what happened afterwards that caused it. You were stressed out. You couldn't sleep. You're normal routine, if there is such a thing in the White House, was being changed on you. You have this new intern following you around, you're work is changing. It's beginning to take it's toll on you mentally."

"So what do you think I should do?"

"Get some rest. Try to adjust as best you can to the things at work, you know that eventually everything will be back to normal."

Josh nodded, contemplating this advice. "Are you going to be here a while?" he asked suddenly. "I mean, in this office."

"Yeah, I'm just going to run through some paper work until I have to catch my plane back out to California. Why do you ask?"

"I'm going to follow your advice. I'm taking a nap."

"Don't you have to go back to work? It's," he checked his watch, "1:30."

"Oh, no one cares, just so long as I show up eventually."

And with that, Josh curled up on the couch and fell asleep. He found that he was extremely relaxed after talking to someone and he didn't want to let this opportunity go to waste.

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"Ryan, have you seen Josh?"

"Didn't he go out to lunch?"

"Yeah," Donna replied, "about 2 hours ago. He said he'd be back by 2!"

Ryan looked at the clock on the wall. "And it's 3. Maybe he got held up somewhere?"

"Yeah, maybe. Well I'm going to run over to his apartment. I tried calling there, but maybe he fell asleep or something. He did look rather tired earlier, didn't he?"

"Yeah, I suppose. What am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

"Stay out of trouble!" Donna yelled as she got her coat. "Answer the phone, take messages, whatever!"

Ryan shrugged and sat down at Donna's now unoccupied desk.

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"Josh?" Josh mumbled something incoherently. "Josh, it's 3:30. I have to head to the airport now. I don't think my friend will think much of me leaving my patients sleeping in his offices."

Josh woke with a start. "Whoa, what time is it?" He looked at his watch. "Jeez, I should get goin' back, if nothing else Donna will start worrying where I went and send the SS after me or something."

Josh and Stanley shook hands. "Well Josh, it was great seeing you again. Here's a prescription for some sleeping pills if you need them." He handed him a slip of paper.

"Hey, thanks for everything Stanley. You really should move out here you know."

"Yeah, and put up with this weather year round? Yeah, right." He gave Josh one final pat on the back and they headed out the door together. Josh got in his car and started heading back to the White House for more sitting around doing pointless busywork with Donna. Josh was about 10 blocks from the White House when a car backfired.

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"Donna! Where's.?"

Leo stopped abruptly upon seeing who was in Donna's chair.

"Alright, Ryan, is it, where's Donna, for starters?"

"She, well, Mr. McGarry, she went to look for Josh."

"To look for Josh?! Where the hell is Josh?"

"Well, he left about 12:30 for lunch and kinda never came back.So at 3 she headed over to his apartment figuring he fell asleep there or something." he finished lamely.

"Well when whichever gets back first, I want." Leo was cut off by the phone ringing. Ryan reached over and picked it up.

"Josh Lyman."

"Ryan? I need to talk to Donna." Ryan barely recognized Josh's voice.

"She's not here," he said slowly, "she's looking for you."

"Shit," Josh swore. "Alright, Ryan, I need you to come pick me up." Ryan raised his eyebrows at the receiver.

"Yeah, okay," he said, "Where are you?"

Ryan jotted a couple things on a loose sheet of paper and hung the phone up.

"That was Josh, I assume?" Leo asked. Ryan nodded. "He needs you to come pick him up?" Leo swore. Alright, when you get back with him, I need him in my office, ASAP!" Ryan nodded again and left.

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Ryan found Josh sitting in his car with his head down on the steering wheel in a small café parking lot. Neither said anything as Josh climbed into the car and they proceeded back to the White House to face the wrath of Leo McGarry.

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There was a gentle knock on Leo's office. "Come in," he barked. Josh walked slowly in the office. "Sit." Leo ordered. Josh sat.

Leo sat in his own chair surveying Josh with hard eyes. "What are you doing, Josh?" he asked. You leave work for nearly 4 hours with no word to anyone as to where you're going? You have Donna out looking for you and I don't know if anyone's bothered to call her yet and tell her you're found. No one hears a word from you until you call because you need a ride back? Damn it, Josh, what the hell are you doing drinking."

Josh cut him off, understanding what exactly had pissed Leo off so bad.

"I wasn't drunk Leo. I'm not drunk."

Leo stopped abruptly. "Then what the hell.?"

"A car backfired." Leo gave him a blank look, not understanding.

"Leo," began Josh thickly. "I called Stanley a few days ago. I had him fly out from California. That's where I was. I had him meet me privately."

"Josh," Leo began.

"On my way back," Josh kept going, on the verge of tears, "On the way back a car backfired. I couldn't help it. I couldn't control it. I had to pull over, I couldn't drive."

Leo sat looking stunned for a few moments. "Oh god, Josh," he said, "Why didn't you.?" He couldn't find the words. "I didn't know you were having such a hard time."

"Neither did I, really," sighed Josh. "I talked to Stanley. He thinks I'm having a sort of reaction just to the stress of things changing after Carrick. But it wasn't before that, I was just being stupid when talking to Carrick. But," Josh's voice grew thick, tears in his eyes, "I started having nightmares, I couldn't sleep. I'm sorry, Leo, I was sleeping. I was sleeping in Stanley's office."

At that moment the door burst open and a bewildered Donna ran in to see a worried looking Leo and Josh with tears and pain evident in his eyes.

"Josh," said Leo gently, "I think it's probably time you told us the whole story."

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A/N: So.what does everyone think? I'm sorry if there's a few technical errors, I can't remember everything from the show obviously.

Anyways, there's chapter 1...Dont know quite when a chapter 2 will be around! Soon hopefully..depends when I can get time to myself to type!

Cheers!