20.37: so we just got maths?
20.37: yep, shouldnt take long
20.37: if i can be bothered
20.38: not doin it 4 u unless u got cash
20.39: Lol w/e
20.39: hey what's that poke you got at home
20.40: my sister's? an eevee
20.40: for real? Thought u were trolling, theyre kinda rare
20.40: ha, yeah. She's lucky
20.41: u hit that yet?
20.41: the hell
20.42: the eevee dumbass
20.44: uh what?
That's where it all started, and damn that fool for slipping the thought into my head in the first place. A perfectly innocent conversation in which I participated with a perfectly innocent frame of mind, but which I left with that little, anonymous voice whispering in my ear. Great. Fantastic. And what was that voice whispering, you ask? Well, allow me ask you something first.
What is your first reaction to the word Pokephilia?
Hmm, I didn't expect that. A shrug? You do realize what that word entails, don't you? I didn't. Well, I suppose I did, I just didn't know about that specific word. There's a much simpler, cruder way to put it. Until that idiot went and brought it up though, I hadn't in the absolute slightest considered it. That was three days ago, and since then my curiosity has had the better of me.
'u hit that yet?'
The bastard had to ask. I'd honestly no clue who he was talking about - I know I know, you think that's pretty unlikely considering the immediate topic of conversation, but I'm serious. My mind is pure, innocent, untarnished. Somewhat.
It's unavoidable really. Seventeen, male, hormones, computer in my bedroom, so yeah, I've seen some...many things. And we all have our fantasies, right? Despite what we tell our friends, we all have our too-strange-too-admit fetishes, those things that we really shouldn't be getting excited by, and yet we do. We can't quite explain it, perhaps shouldn't even try and we most likely wouldn't indulge in it with a real person in a real relationship. But that's what dreams are for.
So this thing, then, this 'Pokephilia', it sounds like all of the above, right? I mean, we all know what Pokemon are. Some - well many, I assume, build a strong, healthy relationship with the pokes they own that can rival the relationships they have with other humans. Relationships built on love and trust and respect so on and so forth - I've seriously had too many people explain this to me in ever loving detail. I'm not a Pokemon person, honestly. Don't mind them, I just don't want one.
The Eevee I mentioned? The one that belongs to my sister? It's effectively a house pet; it belongs in a sense to everyone. My mother, father, sister and I hold it in equal love and adoration for its scientifically proven factor of irresistible cuteness. We've had it for a few months now, and it continues to steal all the attention when it enters the room. I mean damn, it's in my room right now, curled up at my feet, watching me type away with those big, round eyes, tail shivering every few seconds...
You see?
Anyway, back to the topic of Pokephilia, the act of 'hitting that'. Not like that, obviously.
It's, well, it's disgusting, to me. I mean, they are at the end of the day, animals. Humans and animals? No thanks, and I in my perfect innocence assumed this view to be commonly shared amongst the sane. Until that little voice whispering in my ear nibbled away at my tolerance, sparking my curiosity beyond restraint and thus I found myself on trustworthy Google, fingers hovering over the keyboard.
What was I supposed to search? Not knowing the term 'Pokephilia' at that moment, I'd no idea how to express myself without being distastefully crude. In the end, I settled on 'pokemon sex'. This led me to authoritative sites regarding the mating of various Pokemon species amongst themselves. Not what I wanted - well, not I what I was looking for. I wasn't particularly sure I wanted what I wanted. Next try then: 'humans with pokemon sex'.
Bingo.
Scrolling down the first page of results, all I could do was shake my head and mutter "Google". I scrolled back up, clicked on the top result and braced myself. A few seconds later, the welcome banner to PokeFreaks built itself on my screen.
The room around me seems to become uncomfortably warm. I scroll down, eyes widen. And the dragon wakes. I can literally feel the quickened pulse of blood downstairs and I freeze in utter disbelief. No. Way. My mouse moves of its own accord and PokeFreaks and those horrible, horrible images disappear.
I readily conceded that immediately jumping into the deep end was definitely not the wisest choice. But waking the dragon had done wonders for my curiosity. Well, I loved to read, I should be able to educate myself that way, right? Right.
Wikipedia, innocently type in 'pokemon sex'.
Redirected because the term creates disambiguation.
See 'Pokephilia', and think to self: the fear of Pokemon?
Click.
Oh...good Lord, really?
I'd never in a million years expected this thing to be so...accepted. Paragraphs upon paragraphs upon paragraphs kind of accepted. Detailed histories, popular advocates - at least those who possessed utterly no shame and cared little for the cry of the outraged anti-pokephiliacs (what a mouthful) - psychological experiments, brief accounts of case studies - it just kept going on and on. And then – oh my, then there was a category labelled 'Popular Pokemon'. And just guess who featured on bloody that list.
I was a lucky guy, apparently.
Supposedly, the experience of sexual intercourse with a Pokemon was completely different depending on that Pokemon's type. Concerning this point specifically, there was listed a number of quotes - mostly from Mr./Ms. Anonymous - stating quite strongly that this aspect alone had led them to value human-pokemon relationships of a sexual nature well above the human-human variation. I was, admittedly, appalled. And intrigued.
I will be perfectly honest with you. I am a virgin. I don't mind telling you this because this is the internet, and anonymity is a godsend. It's also the quintessential reason for the existence of trolls. We are all trolls, and we can be as offensive and disruptive as we damn well please without fear. But anyway, my hand is my best friend, my lover, and with the power of my imagination, I can close my eyes and whisk myself away to the perfect moment. But let's be honest, eventually you get tired of the hand, or toys/fingers and perhaps fists if you're the rather adventurous sort. With your mind, you can always conjure up that perfect scene, but the hand will not suffice for long.
You know what I've always wanted? A blowjob. To have my lover give me that small, seductive smile before slowly slipping me into her mouth...I imagine I would sigh as the warmth of her breath crept into me, and I'd probably grit my teeth when her tongue teased the underside of my cock. She'd seal soft lips around its head and lap at my tip as though it were the sweetest candy. I'd probably start to feel that urge to explode pretty quickly, and I'd close my eyes and squeeze as hard as I could, but it probably wouldn't help. So I'd take hold of her head - not aggressively mind you, not that sort of person. I'd play with her hair, run my fingers through it, aid her gently as she begins to move to stroke me. A few seconds later, I'd have to give her the warning, hopefully she'll tell me it's okay. And afterwards, I'd kiss her; I wouldn't care how she tasted. I'd definitely kiss her...
Woah, umm sorry about that, writing is my escape. Yeah...
So, how does a pokemon beat that? Can it express itself in the same way as a human? Can it give you that one particular glance that sets the heart pumping? That small smile that wakes up Captain Lancelot? (Sorry) You know what's funny? I have an Eevee right next to me, I absolutely have no need to be asking these question to the randoms of the interwebs. I could just pick it - her actually - up and...find out. But I can't, I could never.
Unfortunately, I've considered it over the past three days, and at one point, I dreamt about it. Do you know what happened in that dream? I was sleeping and Eevee crept into my bed, nudging at me with that cute little button nose until I woke up. I did, reluctantly, cursing...switching on the bedside lamp to find a panting Eevee standing amongst my ruffled quilt, gazing without shame at the tent protruding from beneath it. She takes a small step forward and nudges her nose against it, murmuring her name. Something takes hold of me and I throw the quilt aside, reaching inside my boxers and for Eevee at the same time. Rising to my knees as Eevee presents herself to me, I expose myself to the night.
I breathe raggedly. Here I am, about to lose my virginity to a cute little animal. She pants heavily as I stroke my thumb down the back of her thigh towards the moist promise of her lips. I shuffle forward then, eager as the haze of pleasure settles over my eyes. Eevee looks over her shoulder...but it isn't an Eevee looking back at me, it is my sister. Horror shoots the bullet and I wake up with a scream. A scream, ladies and gentlemen.
The truth is that 'hitting that' with Eevee would essentially be the same as me doing the same to my sister, I simply cannot separate the two. Eevee joined the family by way of being an (expensive) gift to my persistent, lovable sibling and as fond as the little thing may be of me, I will always associate its existence with her to such a degree that - to put it bluntly - I would, by screwing Eevee, involuntarily imagine myself screwing my sister. Sorry for that image, I did warn you.
But yeah, that's the truth of it. The thing is since coming across that wikipedia page, my disgust towards pokephilia has actual waned, inexplicably. If I'm honest, I think it's actually the inability to separate my sister and Eevee that is keeping me from crossing that line.
But I draw your attention back to a previous point I made: I'm tired of my hand. It most certainly can't satisfy me for much longer. And another thing: that wikipedia article? According to it, Pokemon are able to pick up on the sexual desires of their masters. According to it, Pokemon are perfectly willing to help their masters sate their urges. So here lies my dilemma. Oh great, Eevee just decided to stop being a lazy ball of cute and rest its head on my thigh, gazing up at me with those eyes...Damn!
One hand drumming the keyboard mindlessly, the other's stroking Eevee's head. What would it be like, I wonder. Probably hurt, I think, she has teeth after all. Still, might be even more arousing, a gentle scrape of the teeth...Her mouth would be warm, warmer if she was a Flareon I guess, and I'm sure she would let me come.
Sorry, had to step away for a moment there, guess I'm one of the few left with self-control. Sooo not letting Eevee in here again, not for a while. Tempting as it is, I think I prefer my original fantasy.