Remembrances of Times Gone By
"I'm not hinting anything. Actually…uh…I want you to know…I mean, don't think…" Dean stumbled.
"Yeh, I'm sorry too," Sam said, meaning every word.
"Sam, you were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life."
"You serious?" Sam teased, unsure if Dean was joking.
"You've always known what you want and you go after it. Stand up to Dad. You always have. Hell, I wish I…anyway, I admire that about you. I'm proud of you, Sammy."
Sam felt his chest tighten to hear Dean telling him that.
"I don't even know what to say."
"Say you'll take care of yourself."
"I will."
"Call me when you find Dad."
"Okay…bye, Dean," Sam said as he hung up, missing his brother.
"Who was that?" Meg asked, waking up from sleep.
"My brother."
"What did he say?"
"Goodbye."
oooo
Sam awoke, not so much startled as confused. He hadn't had a dream, but a memory, a memory of a time and conversation he had long forgotten, but should never have. If he had remembered, he would have been reminded that Dean had let him go once…no, twice. The first time was from rebellion against a domineering father, the second was from an argument over their father's orders, funny how their father always had come between them because of how different they had viewed him. Still, both times, Dean had let him have his way, had let him go at the expense of his own needs.
There was a third time, of course, sadly, the one he most vividly remembers, but Dean didn't let him go that time, he had just given him the same ultimatum that their father had. How things come full circle. Only now can Sam understand that Dean had every reason to say it. He wondered how proud of him Dean was now.
There were very few expressions of pride in the Winchester household. You took what you could get, but Dean, though he had never expressed much else in what he had called the "girlie department", pride was the one thing Dean offered every chance he could to Sam. He had been proud of him for his defiance, both times. Now, Sam wondered if Dean had lost all his faith in him because he had dared to defy the one person who had given him everything.
How could he have done that? He had no answer and it hurt to know that he had betrayed Dean for all the wrong reasons.
oooo
"Listen to me. You gotta prepare yourself. I mean this search could take awhile and all that anger you can't keep it burning over the long haul. It's gonna kill you. You gotta have patience, man."
"How do you do it? How's Dad do it?"
"Well, for one, them. I mean I figure our family's so screwed to Hell, maybe we can help some others, makes things a little bit more bearable. I'll tell you what else helps. Killing as many evil sons of bitches as I possibly can."
Dean had warned him about his anger back at Blackwater, about how he couldn't keep burning it over the long haul because it would kill him. He had been right. Now, all Sam could seem to feel was anger. He didn't know why, thought he had gotten over everything, instead, it had just seemed to have built over the years and now, he couldn't seem to beat it back anymore.
One frustration after another fed the flames of what he thought would eventually become a raging bonfire if he didn't control it or make peace with it. First it had been his father ordering him around, then losing Jess in the same way he had lost his mother, getting the painful visions, being told that he had been fed demon blood, losing Dean after he had offered his soul to save him, being unable to save him himself, turning to Ruby then being betrayed by her, killing Lillith and taking pleasure in doing it, giving rise to Lucifer. It was becoming too much. How could all of that have happened? Why did it all happen? Why was he feeling so much hate? Could it be that Lucifer knew something that none of them did? Could this rage be just what Lucifer is expecting and that when the time came, he would use it, use Sam against the world, against Dean?
Was what he was becoming all there was to him now?
Could he ever repent all that he's done?
Could he ever make Dean proud of him again?
He doubted that he could.
He doubted everything about him.
And all he found himself wanting was for Dean to think of him the way he used to, to go back to a past that seemed centuries ago.
FIN Thanks for reading as always. It's very much appreciated.