A/N: Yay…finally, some fluffiness AU–ity...well, not that fluffy, but not too emo. Instead of high school, this has them as -little kids. Warning: swearing and pr0n…(odd warning to put on a little-kid fic XD) Oneshot.

EDITED: 16/07/2012:

I just wanted to let people know that if anybody wants to adopt this story and continue it, then that would be great! Just PM me and let me know. I've gotten a lot of requests to continue this particular oneshot, but I'm afraid it's not to be – I can't write anything quite this light-hearted anymore.

I have, however, fixed the formatting and a few other mistakes. Thank goodness for that.

New Kid on the Block?

"Ed, Al, your half-brother's coming to stay with us for a bit."

Eight-year-old Ed scratched his head. "We have a half-brother?"

"See, before Daddy came to live here, he was married to someone else. But he and Dante got something called a divorce."

Al repeated her. "Divorth?"

"Yes, darling, divorce. That means they didn't want to be married any more. But they had a kid."

"Our half-brother."

Daddy walked in. "Yes. His name's William. However, I'm afraid he's a little…well…I lost the custody battle, but Dante is not very particular in raising him, so Ed, Al, I want you to be careful, but be polite."

They nodded, then Al asked, "Why did you and Dante get a divorth?"

"I'll explain when you're older…"

The car pulled up, and Ed and Al eagerly awaited the first sight of their unknown half-brother.

One foot. Another. Then the door slammed shut.

"Um, Nii-than? Didn't Mum say we had a…brother?"

"She must have been wrong."

The so-called brother was wearing a skirt, not like the long ones Mum wore, but short, with shorts underneath. He…she…was also wearing a short tank-top, and had long, green hair.

"Look, Al, you can see her belly button."

She raised a hand in greeting. "Hey. Just so you know, I have no interest in being here whatsoever, so leave me alone."

Ed and Al sweatdropped as she sat down and began reading a book.

"Um…one question…Mum told us you were a boy."

"I am a boy, dipshit."

Al whispered, "Ed, he thaid a…a bad word."

He rolled his eyes. "Dipshit, dipshit, dipshit! It's just words."

"R-right. I'm Edward."

"I'm Alphonthe. You're William, right?"

William narrowed his eyes. "Don't call me that. My name is Envy."

"Envy? But that's a word!"

Envy shrugged. "It's better than William."

Ed asked, "Why are you wearing a skirt if you're a boy?"

He smirked. "I'll tell you when you're older."

"How old are you?"

"Twelve."

Ed and Al gasped. "Wow…twelve. That'th really old…"

Envy went back to his book. Ed looked over his shoulder. "What's an orgasm?"

By the way Envy went red and closed the book, Ed could tell it was one of those no-no words. He ran up to the house and into the kitchen, where Mum and Dad were talking.

"Dad, Dad, Envy's reading a book…"

"Envy?" asked Trisha.

"It's what William insists on being called. Yes, Ed?"

"…and it has the word orgasm in it! What's an orgasm, anyway?"

His parents went red. Phillip stood up. "I'll…go have a word with William."

Al came dashing into the house to behind Mum, as Envy chased him, book in hand. Phillip grabbed his shoulder and snatched the book away from him.

"Icha Icha Paradise? William, you're underage."

"Mum doesn't care."

"And that's why you're here."

"Shut up, and give me back my book!"

"No."

"Don't boss me around, Phillip!"

Dad's features set. "I'm your father, William."

"I don't care! What sort of father leaves me alone?"

"I tried to get custody…"

Envy turned away. Al asked, "Can someone pleathe tell me what an orgathm ith?"

Ed seconded it. "Yeah. This is gonna bother me all day!"

Mum shook her head. "It's something that William shouldn't even know about."

Envy lost it. "Stop talking about me like I'm not even here!" Then, snatching up his bag from the front porch, he ran out the door.

Dad sat down and put his face in his hands. "He hates me…"

"Ed, what are you doing?"

Mum and Dad turned to see Ed chasing Envy down the street.

"Wait! WAIT!"

Envy slowed down and turned to see the eight-year-old walking up to him, out of breath.

"I'm really confused. How long are you staying with us for?"

Envy was silent.

"And why is your mum not caring about what you read the reason why you're visiting?"

"See, if they declare someone an 'unfit parent', they bunk the kid with next-of-kin until they decide whether I should go back or not."

"What makes someone an un-fit parent?"

Envy laughed bitterly. "Letting me read those books is one thing."

"Wow…so those are grown-up books?"

"Pretty much. Then there's letting me get a tattoo." Envy lifted his skirt a little bit to show Ed the red dragon.

"I got that when I was your age. Needless to say, Phillip wasn't happy."

Ed prodded the tattoo uncertainly. "An' so that's why you're staying with us?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Ed was silent for a bit, and then…

"What is an orgasm, anyway?"

A/N: XD love that last line.