"hello?" he picked up the phone.

"hey!" he heard the cheery voice of his favorite blonde, and he smiled just a little bit. "what are you doing for christmas, stefan?" she said, as if already disappointed in his answer.

"honestly?" he sighed "i hadn't thought about it, caroline."

"wweelllll" she drew out dramatically. "we'll have to change that." stefan smiled at the impertinence of his friend.

"what do you suggest."

"I am actually spending christmas with my mom, but elena is having all the orphans over to the lake house..." there was a silence as he waited. "and damon" she admitted quietly.

"there it is."

"but stefan, she wants you to come! before i told her i couldn't go she was all like 'well i don't want it to be a big thing, and i'm afraid he wouldn't come if i asked him. but i really don't want him to be alone on christmas, and i miss him.' and then she asked everyone to ask you but nobody wanted to do it so i'm doing it anyways."

"well that makes me feels better." he said sarcastically.

"ugh, you know what i mean!" she said exacerbated, "bonnie and jeremy don't know you too well so they felt like it would be awkward and damon didn't want to ask you for something on behalf of his girlfriend, who used to be your girlfriend, because there is obvious tension between you three. and elena didn't want to do it, well i already told you why! Please stefan, just go! I'll be stopping by for the beginning, and it can be your christmas present to me!"

he let out a long sigh, "fine." he said, smiling only a little.

"thank you!" caroline said and hung up the phone.

stefan laughed at his friend and shook his head at the phone.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

one week before christmas, stefan was helping caroline and her mom decorate their house and after a long day hanging lights up on the roof he and caroline retired to talk in her room.

"what do you want for christmas?" she asked.

"i don't know."

"oh, come on, i've been asking you for weeks and now its coming up and i really need to know!"

"i still don't know."

"but i am completely incompetent when it comes to guy gifts! i only know of one really nice gift to give to a guy and thats a watch. and now i've given every guy i know a watch, so if you cant tell me what you want at least tell me what most guys want."

he stayed quiet looking at his dirty hands in his lap.

"are you okay?" she looked concerned.

"i don't know."

"what's wrong?" she asked sitting next to him.

"i don't know. i don't know!" he raised his voice standing up. "i don't know what i want, and thats the problem. i don't know what i want, because i don't want anything! i don't want anything, so why do i still feel like shit, every day when i wake up?" caroline had a sympathetic look on her face.

"so i take it this is about more than a christmas present?"

"yeah," he nodded his head "yeah, a lot more."

"stefan, you're not happy because there is something you want." she stood up in front of him "you're in denial, i read it in that psych book." he started shaking his head

"no i'm not, i know she chose him, i know she's not coming back, and i know she doesn't love me anymore." at this point he was yelling.

"no, i don't mean denial that it happened. i mean denial that you care." she said taking his hands in hers. "denial that you still love her, and denial that you still want her. and that you don't have her is the reason why you can't be happy." he kept his gaze down. "... stefan i can't speak for you, or for her. but if i'm being honest, i'd guess that you will never be happy as long as you're without her. but if i'm being honest about everything, i'd guess you won't be without her forever."

XXXXXXXXXXX

It was christmas eve and stefan was honestly dreading going to the party. he figured he would only show up, to be polite and tap out once caroline left. elena, caroline and bonnie had decorated the living room. even though he and damon both insisted it was silly because there would be no one spending christmas in the house, he believed caroline and elena might have suspected his plan.

stefan was remembering a time when people cared about make it special for him. when he was a kid, christmas eve was almost as special as christmas day. and now he has nothing better to do on a day that means a lot to a lot of people and that used to mean a lot to him, than drink bourbon by a decorated fire place.

"hey," he heard a faint voice from behind him.

"hey, what are you doing here? i thought you were spending the night at the lake house."

"i thought i'd lend it to jeremy and bonnie for the night. and i'd like to ride up with you and damon tomorrow anyway..." she trailed off "and i wanted to talk to you."

he looked up suspiciously.

"stefan, i don't like what we've become." elena said, sighing and stepping closer to his leather chair. "i feel like we aren't as close as we used to be, and i miss being able to talk to you." she swallows, "as friends."

"elena, please." stefan looked away from her face into the bottom of his glass.

"what, stefan? we've been through so much together, it only makes sense that we should be able to be open with each other." stefan stayed silent. after a long pause he took a sip from his drink and it became clear he wasn't responding.

she sat across from him and leaned over touching his arm gently. "stefan you have to know how hard it is for me to see you suffering."

"bull." he scoffed under his breath, pulling away and standing abruptly.

"what did you say?" elena asked, shocked.

"you said it yourself, elena. you were the happiest you've ever been with damon and without me, so why can't you just leave me alone?"

"because i care about you, stefan." she said almost angrily. "and i want to do everything i can to make sure you're happy."

"well you blew that chance months ago."

"what did i do that's so wrong stefan? fall in love?"

"no, elena, i saw it all happen. the sire bond pushed damon into your heart until there wasn't enough room for me anymore so he was easily able to steal you away, but that's not what you did. what you did was worse, elena. you let him. you're so convinced that you're a completely different person and, as whoever that is, we can't love each other anymore. but at least i know that im not the problem there, because i still do. but you didn't even stop to look the other way. after you turned, you just gave up on us. after everything we've been through together, you threw it all away. you threw me away. and now you are here telling me that i need to let you go, but here is a better question elena, why can't you let me go?"

Elena's gaze shifts to her hands in her lap, and stefan doesn't even realize a tears are slipping out of her eyes, down her cheeks, of her lips and chin into her open palms. as he turns from her to stare into the fire. she closes her hands spreading the glistening droplets, feeling the wetness between her fingers, staring at them, as if at a loss for what to do with them.

"im sorry." she whispers to low to think he would have heard if he weren't a vampire. "i don't know what you want me to say. if there is are any words i knew could make it better, i'd of said them by now."

"elena, i don't want anything from you." stefan turned around to face her, "i don't need anything from you." he corrected, "so do us both the favor and leave me alone."

"look stefan, maybe if i could go back in time after hearing that i might not have been so quick to choose, but i did and now im happy."

"so why, if i have to say it again, can't you leave me alone?" stefan shouted.

elena broke down crying. she fell to her knees and put her hand on her chest trying to catch her breathe between sobs.

"i don't know!" she shouted desperately, balling, "i don't know why." she said finally looking him in the eyes again. tears streaming freely, unimpeded down her face. "i don't know why all summer, i felt like i was just marking time without you. don't know why i needed you to remember all the pain i caused you, just so you know how much we mean to each other. i don't know why no matter what im feeling, whether i'm the happiest i ever been or just found out my best friend died, you are always in the back of my mind." she stopped to catch her breathe crying. "i love damon, stefan." she said. "i do. i really do love him. but i guess i just feel like we're waiting for an excuse to fall apart. waiting for something to take away our happiness. and i guess its because i'll always be waiting for you." she said and her crying slowed. "no no no. no. no." she said shaking her head as her sobs started up again. "i love him stefan." she shouted, as if he needed convincing. "i do i love him. i love damon."

stefan finally broke his stance, and took pity on her. he kneeled in front of her on the floor, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"elena, no one is stopping you from being happy. in fact it's in most of ours best interest." he paused and looked down, licking his lips before he continued. "so what can we do to make you happy?"

she took a deep breathe, and thought for a moment. "stefan, im only 18. i'm not supposed to have to know yet." she said as if only just coming to that realization herself. he let himself take that in, and suddenly he wasn't bitter anymore. he'd been hating both himself and her for loving her, but he should've have just listened to his heart. all he's ever wanted was for her to be happy, when did that change? after all she's put him through, she's only been doing her best. but he loves her even at her worst. she's had a whole of two years, that she should be spending figuring out what her next step in life is, but instead she's been asked to spend taking on the responsibility of forever. he took her into his arms and held her head against his chest as she clung to his shirt and wept.

"i've been trying so hard stefan." she sobs, "i've been trying so hard to be happy with all that everyone has sacrificed for me."

"ssshhhhh, i know elena. i know." he said stroking her hair. suddenly she stopped crying and pulled away.

she looked into his eyes and took a deep breathe, that he could tell was hard for her, as if she were going to tell him a secret. "i think that's why damon happened.

i thought i needed to be in love with him because it was the only way i could be happy as a vampire. through the sire bond, i fell in love with him and i was happy because he told me to be happy, and to be free, and all things he thought a vampire should be. and i believed him then because of the sire bond, and until proven wrong, i wanted to keep believing him. i just wanted to keep being happy, i thought that after everything i've been through and after all the suffering i've seen, it was the only way i knew how to keep being happy. i've never known any different as this person. and now telling myself that i'm happy without you is the best explanation i can lie to myself about why i ever let you go. because after all that our love survived i should have realized all i threw away leaving you. we've been through so much together and at the end of it all i still loved you. and now i know" she swallowed. "now i understand that there are the things that you need to let go of and the things you can't. i wanted you to remember me and all the horrible things you and me have lived through, because somewhere at the bottom of my heart, i knows you belongs with me. and i needed you to remember who you are, because i cannot let go of you. when i turned i had to learn how to live with loving you, because i forgot. i forgot stefan, but now i remember. our love was built around the truth that whether you're a vampire or a human, and whether your life is insignificant or influential to the universe, its always worth living if you can attain such a strong devotion and love to one person. and stefan i forgot how to live that way, but i remember now. i remember and i love you stefan. i love you so much." stefan stayed silent looking deeply into her eyes.

"elena," he said taking her hand. "two minutes ago, you were telling me how much you love damon. and now you're saying it was all an illusion. elena, i can't expect anything from you, but i need a reason as to how and why i should believe you." he sounded like the words were coming from the cold center of his pain that hasn't been warmed enough yet by her comfort, and you could hear the ice in his voice.

"i love you." she said, desperately. he sighed. he knew she meant it, but he didn't know if she loved him enough. or if she didn't love his brother at all.

"but do you love damon?" she took in a strangled breath-

"what's going on here?" they both turned to see the piercing blue eyes of the one person they would probably both least like to see at the moment. he looked incredulous, but not accusatory.

"actually, brother, we we're just talking about you." stefan said standing up and offering his hand to elena. she looked like a dear in the headlights, silently begging stefan not to tell him the truth. when damon saw Elena's tears streaked face, his features turned to worry and he walked over to her.

"elena, what happened? are you alright?" he said pulling her by her arm to the couch. elena looked over at stefan to see where he wanted to go from here. his eyes clearly told her that the reigns were in her hand.

"i'm fine." she said turning to damon. he placed his hand on the side of her face,

"you don't look fine." he said, stroking tears off of her cheek. "what's wrong?" he asked sweetly. she took his hand from her face and took it in hers she looked at stefan, to see if he would give her any strength, in telling him the truth. she found none, and realized this was one time she would have to find it in herself.

"damon, there's something that we need to talk about." she said, focusing her eyes behind him so she wouldn't see his face so well. "there is something that i need to tell you." she said trying to get it out. "i love s-"

"you love stefan." he finished for her. sighing and looking down, he blinked too frequently not to be suspicious of tears. she sighed, with guilt, before she added

"and i always will."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"stefan!" she called up stairs. he'd gone to his room, once the breakup talk had taken off. it wasn't pretty, and she didn't blame him, for not wanting to be a part of it. but she might have liked some support, when damon piled layer after layer of guilt upon her head. "stefan!" she called again. he came down the stairs slowly.

"hey." he said, "where's damon?" he asked.

"he went out," she took in a nervous breathe "i don't think he'll want me here when he comes back, though."

"so... are you..." he staggered out.

"yeah. yeah, we're over." she said, slightly remorseful. she leaned in closer to him expecting welcome.

"you didn't answer my question." he leaned away.

"what?"

"do you still love damon?" she paused and took a step back from the stairs.

"no, i don't" she gulped. "and stefan, i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for all of it. i gave up on all you and i had to binge on puppy love. it was nice and i'm very sorry for damon's sake but i love you. and i always will."

stefan stepped closer to her. they looked into each others eyes, focusing on keeping magnetism radiating between them steady. the each were waiting for the other to move, while neither of them were sure if they could. after a long moment, stefan took a step back.

"remember what you said before?" he said "about starting fresh? well i think we've been through to much to ever go back to where we were." he shifted on his feet. "i think backpedaling is not the way to go about this. maybe its a better idea to just let it all play out, and rediscover what's still there, and say goodbye to what isn't." he touched her face. "i love you, and i always will. that much hasn't changed. but i can't afford to keep jumping back on track just to have something completely derail us again. do you understand?"

"no. not really."

he sighed before he continued. "i think it's best if you and i are both alone for a while, elena." she closed her eyes and bowed her head.

"i was hoping that wasn't what you were getting at." she said with a sad little laugh. a solitary tear was shaken from her eyelashes when she blinks. "but maybe it's not a bad idea. i owe it to both you and damon to at least try to figure out what i want, and stop dragging you both along. maybe this is the best way to do that." she said wistfully. pressing her lips together, looking contrite.

"i'm always here for you, whenever you need me. you can always talk to me, just like you wanted, about anything. i'm not going anywhere." he said took her face in both hands, and smiled sweetly.

she held his wrists by her face, looked into his eyes, and said, determined. "someday, we'll find our way back to each other stefan. that much i know." she said before pulling away from him, and walking towards the door.

"or," stefan said before her hand reached the doorknob, "we could just say, future be damned and be happy now." he said, hopefully. elena turned and started walking slowly back towards him. "i'd be okay with that, if thats really what you-"

he was met by her lips as she threw her arms around his neck. he wrapped his hands around her waist and pressed himself into her. his lips and tongue devoured her lovely, soft mouth. one of her hands rand through his hair and massaged the back of his neck, while the other wrapped her arms around his shoulders so he would lean into her. he backed her up, and pushed her against the wall. he ran his hands up and down her body until they landed on her ass and lifted her up so her legs wrapped around his waist. his lips traveled from her lips to her cheek, to her chin, to her neck. he sucked on the skin underneath her ear, teeth grazing lightly, before traveling down to her chest.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(it gets a lil racy here, so stop if that makes you uncomfortable. but its still sweet)xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"stefan," she moaned. "take me upstairs." she said breathlessly. he pulled back and kissed her lips hard, as he sped them to his room. the next thing she knew, she was on her back and her shirt had been ripped open. his hands crept under the shredded fabric and his fingers dug into her bare hips. as resumed kissing her neck again. she sighed and pushed her finger under his shirt and started tugging it over his head, as one of his hands unbuttoned her jeans. once the shirt was over his head he dropped back down on top of her, and wrapped an arm under and around her waist, pulling her closer against his bare chest. her hands wandered helplessly down his shoulders, down his back, and up again to hold his arms, squeezing his muscles with her slender hands. she brought both hands to the front of his chest and pushed him on his back. she took off her pants at a normal speed teasing him, before she leaped up on his lap with vampire speed. when she didn't bend down to him, he sat up, taking her mouth with his tongue, she held his shoulders and kissed down his neck sucking on the skin, tickling and taunting with her tongue, and sometimes scraping her teeth against him. she traveled down his neck and shoulders, when she pushed him back down, carrying on down the front of his chest, stopping for a moment at his nipples, while her hand traced down his sculpted abs, blindly admiring every defining cut, before reaching the button of his pants. her fingers scrambled at it as her lip moved down the front of his stomach. she undid his jeans but before she could pull them down he sat up grabbing her hips and pulling her up to meet him. he tore off the remains of her shirt and took of her bra as quickly as possible, he dove in to her bare cleavage and nuzzled up and down with his mouth and nose. she threw her head back and started grinding against his hardness threw his jeans, holding his head to her chest she panted and writhed desperate for him. he held one breast in one hand, massaging it rather roughly, and took as much of the other as he could in his mouth. sucking on her nipple running his around it, and squeezing it lightly with his teeth. "i missed you so much, stefan,"she moaned before she pulled his face up to hers. "how did i ever think i could live without you?" she said sadly, looking into his eyes. "how could i have been so blind?" she said tracing his lips with her thumb, nearing tears. he turned his face into her hand and kissed her palm. "you are so young, elena. and you've lost so much. the prospect of forever is pretty daunting. it makes sense that you wouldn't trust it. but you're allowed to make mistakes. the best thing you can do, and what will make it easiest for the people around you, is to follow your heart. and be honest with yourself about what it wants. don't worry about people leaving you, or everything going wrong, the future will sort itself out now. there is no road to happiness, being happy is the road to take." she let a tear fall from her eye,

"you talk so good." she laughed, and he smiled. "you should be a writer."

"as long as i have my muse." she giggle as he pulled her closer to him. and kissed her softly. she kissed back more aggressively, and he could still feel the tears streaming down her face. he reached up to hold her face against his, her tongue leading his in a dance they had made up the steps to. a dance only they could hear the music to. a dance that they learned through each other a long time ago.

MMMMMMMMM

he twisted their bodies back around and settled on top of her again. she reached forward to unbuckle his belt and undo the front of his pants. he kissed her more aggressively when her hands slipped into his boxers. he hardened even more at her touch and groaned before kissing down her neck. she pushed his pants and underwear down to his knees and he kicked them off the rest of the way.

she let out a high pitched hum, when he rubbed her through her sheer panties. he smirked against her when he felt how wet she was.

he pulled them off of her while kissing down her chest and stomach he lifted her legs over his shoulder and kissed up the inside of her thigh. she was already moaning before he dove in. her body lurched and she screamed his name before falling back down and digging her fingers into his hair.

"stefan, please, no." she sat up, panting. and pulling his face up to hers.

"i want to make you feel as much pleasure as you make me feel." he said in a deep voice his hands running up and down her legs. but even as sexy as he sounded, she said decisively,

"please i need you inside me." she begged him pulling at his shoulders. and who was he to deny her what she needed? he captured her lips her lips in his and aligned their bodies again. she moaned into his mouth and broke away screaming out his name when he entered her.

he pulled out nearly all the way, his tip lingering at her entrance, just to slam back into her. groaning out and making her scream again. she clawed at his back and he began thrusting in and out of her. she had forgotten how big he was, without him stretching out her insides every night. he could reach places she wouldn't have known existed. he pressed against her velvet walls in just the right spot, and she wrapped her legs around him, as if to draw him in further to her self. he sped up his pace, his hips knocking harder against hers. she came almost immediately, clutching tightly to him, and moaning loudly. she tightened her pussy around him and he growled, ferrel and pounding his thick cock deeper into to her. she was so wet that she drenched the lower half of both of their bodies, adopting a slippery sheen, mirroring their sweaty torsos. he grabbed both of her thighs and hitched her legs around his shoulder, before bracing both fists beside her head, and began hammering in to her dripping sex.

"oh god, elena." he yelled. watching her breast bounce, and her eyes squeeze shut in pleasure as she came for the second time since he'd been inside her, he began to use his vampire speed to speed up their rhythm. "i love you, i love you elena."

he used more strength in his thrust than he had ever used when they were together, more strength than she had ever felt before. "i love you, so much," she moaned. he plundered her depths fast and hard as he bent his neck down to kiss her lips lightly.

"fuck yes, stefan. stefan, it's so good. god, stefan. dont stop, stefan. stefan please dont stop." she was scratching her nails all around his back and shoulders as he kept her lingering at the height of her orgasm. as her body began to relax, he continued to pound his heavy body into hers, determined to rejuvenate her intense high. he looked down to see where she met him and moaned at the image. focusing on maintaining his phenomenal pace. she began to tighten around him again.

"stefan, oh my god, stefan!" her body began to spasm and thrash and her legs began to shake, her eyes rolled back in her head as her orgasm took over her.

"elena" he sighed. he leaned down again to kiss her neck, and when she began to kiss his in return he was gone, as faster he went.

"shit, elena!" he shouted released his seed deep inside her. he fell on top of her, and her legs fell to the side. she stroked his sweaty hair away from his face, and kissed the side of his head. her small body still trapped under his, as he kissed her neck, where his head had fallen, sweetly.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(its ok its over now :)xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He fell to his side and panted heavily, before bending down to grab the white sheet that had been kicked to the bottom of the bed. when he pulled the sheet over her naked body, she smiled at him and reached over to spread the blanket over him as well. she scooted down again into the bed and turned to face him. she put her hand to his face as he turned on his side towards her. he let her play with his hair, occasionally closing his eyes to her touch, but for the majority of the time they spent, before they fell asleep, he just looked at her. and she looked at him. either would have said they loved the other but they knew that they both knew that already. he wrapped his arm around her and brought her closer to himself, as he turned to lye on his back and pulled her half on top of him. he stroked her back slowly and wondered if forever meant any less because they both felt so complete for now. he thought about all they'd been through together, and for a moment it made him sad. but then he thought about it more. and if every dismal and depressing day he's lived since he's turned, and if every day she's lived since she's lost her parents, if all they have survived and fought through has been worth anything, it would be this. it would be at the salvatore mansion wrapped up in each others loving arms, it would be holding the earth still for just a moment, so they could feel how much they loved each other. stefan thought back to his childhood, and to the days before he'd ever known she existed, and he realizes even then, he had been waiting for her. he doesn't quite know what the word 'soulmate' entails, but he has never been more sure that his exists. and that she exists in his arms. he closes his eyes, and he is happy.