TITLE: Scandalising Innocent Victims

AUTHOR: VIDZ

PAIRING: NO pairing, just friendship

TIMELINE: season 10

CATEGORY: humor, parody

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: you've probably realized by now that sometimes I out something in my fics with the intention of getting a reaction from you (example: the Foreign Legion thing) or write fics with an unexpected ending just for the shock effect (example: at the end of "Waking up..." it turning out Jen was the one Jack slept with and not Carter). So, it wasn't really a big stretch of imagination before I'd get to this one :). More like, just a matter of time, hehe. Enjoy!

SUMMARY: it had to come to this one day. A tongue-in-cheek parody.

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Doing a favor for the Roberts Harm and Jen were taking care of the twins so the parents could give some one-on-one attention to their two older children who'd been feeling neglected. Since, with his numerous escapes, little AJ already had his own waiting-chair at the police precinct, Bud and Harriet had decided getting sued for abandonment wasn't something they wanted to go through and so had asked for assistance with the twins. Unaware of the other's intentions Harm had talked to Bud while Jen had talked to Harriet. When they'd realized they had both reported as baby-sitters they'd decided to team up since these were two children and not just one.

Lugging around all that crap deceivingly called a diaper bag that should've been rightfully called "luggage crap with at least 5 full outfits as backup, 200 diapers and other things", things the two stand-in-parents had been blissfully unaware of before and now wanted that blissfulness back; Harm and Jen were struck by the bright idea of taking two infants to a shopping mall.

Since we're feeling magnanimous, we'll excuse their moment of idiocy as inexperience with small children.

After 3 horrible hours that were filled with about 600 runs to the changing rooms to clean up the two small biological entities who's only purpose in life seemed to produce shit, and that made Harm and Jen swear on staying childless for the rest of their lives, they finally boarded the elevator that would bring them to the underground garage. They were really relieved to be finally heading that way because the end would be in sight, as the next stop was the Roberts' house where they'd drop off their small charges and then run like hell back home.

Fate wasn't so nice to them, however. After all, when was the last time Fate was nice to anyone? She's probably some old, bitter witch, going around the world, making people miserable just because she's miserable. Aka, Mac in 20 years.

Fate in the form of a middle-aged woman boarded the lift and, to Harm and Jen's "luck", immediately noticed the two strollers and their occupants.

"They're so cute!" she gushed and then launched into that gibberish women revert to when faced with a baby "Goochee-goo-goo. Eechee-gachee." etc.

Harm and Jen's looks met over the woman's head and they both rolled their eyes. Was it really necessary to talk like that, especially when it's been proven it stalls a child in it's mental development? After all, it's not like the baby understands it...

Their hopes the woman would keep to herself and annoy the kids only were crushed when she briefly looked up and saw her next victim.

"You look fantastic!" the annoying woman complimented Jen "So thin and beautiful so soon after having these two. Oh, I couldn't lose the baby fat for 8 months after I gave birth to my Johnny." she sighed with a sappy smile on her face.

Harm really felt sorry for that Johnny. And Johnny's father. He wondered whether Johnny was 20 years old and still speaking in only baby-talk.

Then, his annoyance turned into evil as a fantastic idea struck him. If she couldn't have just let them be then she deserved what was coming to her.

"Yeah, she does, doesn't she?" Harm took the bait and ran with it "You should've seen her when she was still a kid, she was the fattest child EVER."

Jen turned wide eyes on her friend. The look in them demanded ' What the hell are you DOING?! You should've just ignored her and maybe she would've gotten the message. Now look what you've done! '

"Um." the woman shut up, eyes wide, incensed in Jen's name over Harm's insensitivity. Pig was the nicest word on the tip of her tongue, but the only thing that came out was "You knew each other when you were young?" the sappy smile immediately made a comeback at the thought of these two loving each other for so long, being meant to be together.

Jen, finally cluing-in and barely holding her giggles to herself, let Harm take the lead.

"Yeah." Harm said casually, throwing an arm around Jen and squeezing her firmly before releasing "I was there when she was born and babysat her regularly. Her mother was my girlfriend when we were 10, but we broke up a couple of years before Jen was born."

"Ah." the woman was looking pretty disturbed by now, but in the curiosity-killed-the-cat way (or was it the I-don't-wanna-see-a-train-wreck-but-can't-help-myself-but-look ?) she just couldn't let it go. Turning back to the kids she again started making stupid faces.

"She looks so much like..." she started to compliment, but then stopped, frowned and assessingly looked up at Harm. The kids were blonde and pale...

Recognizing the look Harm waved his hand "Don't worry, they're not mine. The plumber's the father, I think. Isn't that right, honey?" he turned to Jen.

By now seriously disturbed, the woman looked up at Jen for confirmation. Jen schooled her face, though she was sure the twitch in her cheek betrayed her to anyone who knew her "Um, not sure about that. It could've been anyone, really. The plumber, our new neighbor, or even the postman. Or even his..." she pointed at Harm "...brother." then turned to him "While on topic, I've been meaning to ask: your gorgeous, breasty 18 year old secretary has been puking a lot lately. Do you have something to do with it?" she tried to make her voice as pleasant and nice as possible, as if she didn't have anything against the idea, and considering the woman's reaction was Jen a good actress.

The woman's eyes widened so much they looked like they were about to fall out and disgust was the strongest expression of the numerous ones vying for dominance over her face. Finally she schooled her features and put on a terribly fake smile "That's... nice."

Then she, thank god (or thank Harm in this case), turned around and stared quietly at the elevator's door, leaving them alone.

The lift finally deposited them in the garage and they parted ways, each going to their own vehicle, though Harm's victim with a pace a little faster than usual.

Harm and Jen, hearts so light from near-end they could sing, were just packing the two babies in Harm's Lexus when a smell so repugnant it could wilt cactuses and would probably stick to the upholstery forever spread through the car.

"Ewwww!"

AN: Partly inspired by one funny (and at the same time a pretty tragic scene) in the movie The Longest Day (which would've been a great movie if there was no John Wayne starring in it) was when two British soldiers were talking in the base camp in England and one said he was worried about his pregnant wife. His friend then congratulated him and asked him if that was his first kid. The soldier then said "Oh, it's not mine, but I'm dead worried about her. She's not too strong, you see." Of course his friend just looked weirdly at him.

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