This is full of Spoilers so if you haven't played ME2 be warned. I've taken the email that Kaidan sent Shepard and kinda wrapped the fic around it. I'm not using every line he wrote, and they are out of sequence so as to fit with the story. It's mostly just a take on what they might be going through emotionally during ME2.
Kaidan and Shepard's inner thoughts after their falling out on Horizon. Set during ME2. Rated T for troubled.
I do not own Bioware.
Shepard,
I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon.
Why did he lose it? He had always prided himself on being in control, but he had always lost himself around her, and this time had been no different.
She was as beautiful as he remembered her...blue eyes...lovely hair slicked back behind her ears, the color matching his own. She took his breath away.
He had gone to her...taken her in his arms. He would have done more, but they were not alone. Shepard was flanked by two others, one on either side...a man and a woman. Pulling away he noticed the insignia gracing Shepards armor...Cerberus.
I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on.
He had felt so guilty...for two years he had barely been able to function. His duties had saved him. As long as he worked he was able to put it out of his mind. It was in the quite times that she had haunted him. Why had he survived? He should have stayed on the Normandy...perhaps he could have saved her.
He had idolized her...put her on a pedestal...even deified her. She was Commander Shepard, First human Spectre, Hero of the Citadel and the love of his life. She had stood for something...they had stood for something...for something that was right, and now here she stood...with Cerberus. What had happened to her...this fallen star...this fallen angel? Where was the woman he loved?
Perhaps if Cerberus had not been there the pain would not have resurfaced...all the suffering he had endured might have meant something, if the woman standing before him still stood for what was good...for what was decent, but the presentation of the Shepard before him revealed that he had mourned for someone he did not know. This could not be the woman he loved.
His anger and pain combined to erupt in a tirade meant to honor the woman he used to know...a woman that would never work with Cerberus...a woman that would not have compromised her principles...a woman that would have found another way. It was that woman he sought to honor. Perhaps somewhere deep down inside he was screaming, "You're not her...You're not my Shepard!"
His mouth worked and the words came...his face twisted with rage, but inside another voice whispered, "Is it really you Shep? Could it really be you?"
In the midst of his own confusion he had simply walked away, yet he realized he had not walked away alone...regret had followed closely at his heels.
His hands trembled as he typed out the message on his omni-tool.
If you're still the woman I remember, I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.
"If you're the woman I remember..." The words rolled off his tongue and hurt entered his heart anew. Even as he hoped that she was real, a part of him mourned for the woman he had lost.
He stopped typing and re-read part of the email, "Do you even remember that night before Ilos?"
Was the Shepard that stood before him on Horizon really his Shepard? Could it possibly be?
His hope was mixed with fear, and he had to admit he was terrified. Terrified that if he accepted her, he might find out later she was not Shepard, ...or worse yet if he rejected her, he mind find out later that she was...and had moved on.
"You agonize over every decision..." Shepard's words echoed in his mind. Her observation so long ago had embarrassed him...she had so easily seen through him, and now here he was again...agonizing over what he should do...fearful of making the wrong decision.
He hesitated to finish the message, as he continued to pour over what he had previously written.
I finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?
That had only been a little over a month ago. Outwardly he had made a good show of it for his friends sake, but inwardly he had compared every move his date made to Shepard...from the way she talked to the way she laughed.
In an attempt to keep up the pretense he had followed through with two more dates, yet had made no effort to reconnect after the last one. His heart was just not in it.
Nothing serious...he scanned the words again.
"You do understand what I mean...don't you, Shep?" he whispered.
The real Shepard knew him well enough to know that he didn't just jump into bed with someone because he was attracted to them. Unless it was serious, he wouldn't even consider it.
"It's been two years, Shep...I waited for two years...please don't...don't move on...without me...I know I said I thought I was over you...but I lied...I never even came close to being over you." Kaidan's eyes welled up with tears.
He returned to typing in the hope of avoiding an emotional outburst.
When things have settled down a little...maybe...I don't know. Just take care...Kaidan.
"I love you, Shep...please forgive me," he said, softly, "I haven't left you...not really...not in my heart...please don't leave me."
His hand shaking, Kaidan pressed the button on his omni-tool and sent the email.
The silence of his room was invaded by muffled sobs as Kaidan was finally overwhelmed by his conflicting emotions.
Shepard sat quietly in her quarters. Her eyes kept traveling back and forth from her terminal to the picture of Kaidan that sat on her desk.
Anyone else might have ended it after the argument on Horizon, but not Shepard. She knew Kaidan better than anyone...better than he knew himself.
She touched the edge of the picture frame and smiled wistfully.
"You're such a hothead," she said.
She remembered the encounter with him when he thought she was interested in Liara. He had barely been able to contain himself. She supposed that any target of one of his biotic attacks could count themselves lucky that he exuded such self control.
"But that's not quite it, is it?" she continued, softly talking to Kaidan's silent face.
She understood...in his heart...she had abandoned him.
"Probably doesn't even understand that's why he's reacting the way he is..." she thought.
He had put his trust in someone before...someone he loved, and she had left him when he didn't live up to her expectations. That scar was cut deep into his heart no matter how much he claimed to be a fully functional human being. It affected every personal decision he made. That same wound that made him so distrusting was the same wound that had made him into the man she found so attractive...at least to her. Because of it, he felt things far more intensely than Shepard ever could. That passion...that fire...drew her to him like nothing else could. Despite everything she still loved him.
He had finally found someone that loved him for himself...someone that accepted him as he was and she too had...
"abandoned him." Shepard continued her thought out loud.
It didn't matter that it wasn't her fault...she hadn't planned to die. It wasn't even like his reaction was something unexpected. She had often heard the stories of family members in the military having loved ones return after being missing in action to only afterwards have to deal with the anger of feeling abandoned for all those years. It was common, but with Kaidan it was colossal. Those feelings mixed with his past wounds could have only led to one place...his explosion on Horizon.
At first she had been angry, confused and hurt, but you can't turn off love...and she did love him. No matter how she felt, it had been good just to see his face. It had taken her so long to woo him...he had been so hesitant to open up, but when he had...it had been with his whole heart. She expected it would take him just as long to accept her return, but he wouldn't leave what had happened on Horizon the way it was, of that she was sure. He would contact her somehow.
With that assurance, she had left to recruit another of the potential team mates on the Illusive Man's list. Upon her return, as expected, Kaidan's email had been waiting for her, and quietly, she had retreated to her quarters to read his apology in private.
It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on.
"He always blames himself for everything...tries to do everything perfectly," she thought, shaking her head.
It was another hold over from Rahna. It couldn't be that Rahna had been the one with the problem...not in his eyes...it had to be him...that somehow he was to blame for losing her.
"So naturally you blame yourself for losing me..." she thought.
"I bet you thought that if you'd been there you could have saved me...but if you had been...you'd be dead....Cerberus would have brought me back, and I'd never have the chance to see you again..." Shepard whispered to the picture as she held it up in her hands. Softly she planted a small kiss on the forehead of Kaidan's face.
Replacing the photo on the desk, she scanned the email stopping at the lines...nothing serious.
She let out a hardy laugh. She understood completely.
"I didn't sleep with her, Shep...honestly I didn't." She could hear his voice in her head. It wasn't that she could blame him if he had...after all, it had been two years, but Kaidan never rushed anything when it came to personal relationships. Unless it was love, he wouldn't get physical and 'nothing serious' meant it wasn't love.
Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me...maybe it meant as much to you.
"It meant everything to me too, Kaidan." She glanced back at his picture, tears forming in her eyes.
But a lot has changed in the last two years, and I can't just put that aside.
"Cerberus!" Shepard could hear his distrust loud and clear. And again she understood...he wasn't fully sure she was the real Shepard. It was interweaved throughout his message.
I really don't know who either of us is anymore...Do you remember...
He was reaching for anything that might convince him that she was the real thing...it didn't help that she was with Cerberus. If she could see any other way she would have taken it, but she felt trapped. No one else could help her.
"He thinks I can do anything...make it happen...get it done...without compromising," she thought.
She shook her head, as she realized he had put her on a pedestal.
"And now he finds out that I'm only human after all," she whispered.
"I didn't live up to his expectations, and he pushed me away...the same way Rahna pushed him away..." she continued.
"Except I'm not going anywhere...Kaidan Alenko," she growled, "I'll never leave you again...not in my heart."
He was as trapped in his past as she was by her present situation, but he was no more crippled by it, than she was. Practically raising herself on earth had left it's own scars, and Akuze had only deepened the wounds.
The thought of Akuze made her shudder...the very organization that had caused her whole unit to die was the organization she was now working for. She thought of the email she had recently received from Toombs, the only other Akuze survivor. No wonder he was vowing to hunt her down and kill her. If she were him, she would do the same thing.
But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.
Kaidan's words starred up at her from the screen. No wonder they all thought she had lost her mind.
"Don't worry Kaidan...I don't trust anything about them," she said, mentally vowing to keep her eyes fully opened.
The Illusive's Man' admission of setting up the entire episode at Horizon flamed throughout her mind. He had the audacity to actually ask her if she was ready to put her past behind her. She had proceeded to tell him to mind his own business.
Kaidan was her past, but he was also her future...this business with Cerberus as far as she was concerned was nothing more than a brief hiccup in what would be the rest of her life.
More determined than ever to see this business to the end, Shepard closed her terminal and headed for the door, turning briefly to gaze longingly at her former Lieutenant and lover.
"We will be together again...I promise." Then she was gone.
"So your encouragement to Jacob to pursue Shepard has come up empty handed?" the Illusive man inquired.
"She won't give him the time of day," Miranda answered, "I don't think he'll be flirting with her anymore...she practically took his head off the last time he tried. She even shot down Garrus and Thane."
"I don't care about the aliens...Jacob is Cerberus...if Shepard was in a relationship with him..." he began.
"Then perhaps she'd be loyal to Cerebus..." Miranda finished.
"I've gone out of my way to make her feel like we're family. Gave her a ship much like her old one...even hired her old pilot and doctor..." The Illusive Man inhaled on his cigar.
"Yes, you've gone out of your way to recreate her old life the best you could...including Garrus and Tali...it was a nice touch," Miranda agreed.
"Then what's the problem...Jacob is former Alliance, and he's vocal about not always agreeing with me...I would think that would cause Shepard to show a little interest," he reasoned.
"Horizon was a mistake," Miranda answered.
"A mistake? Alenko practically threw her out the door...what possible reason could she have for pursuing him after that or the Alliance for that matter? They've all abandoned her." The Illusive man said.
"Trust me, after this mission is complete, she'll cut her ties with you and Cerberus," Miranda stated.
"And you're sure of this?" he asked.
"I have no doubts," she answered.
Shaking his head he asked, "Where did I go wrong?"
Soberly, she answered, "You underestimated the power of love."