"I just feel so old." Zoe said as she sunk into the sofa next to Charlie, poking suspiciously at the curry in front of her. Their takeaway nights had become something of a tradition since Nick had left, but she'd been somewhat lacking in interest for food recently, living off a diet of cigarettes, wine and self pity. She knew Charlie had noticed something was wrong - he'd been round at her house every other day, and more often than not was in resus at the same time as her. Even Max had said something, but she could hardly explain that he was starting to feel like her way of desperately trying to stay young or that a life of booze, sex and feeling like the the department liability just wasn't doing it for her anymore. She knew that if she gave him the chance he'd instantly step up - the other night he'd mumbled "I love you" into her hair as he drifted off to sleep - but she couldn't bring herself to ruin his life like she'd ruined so many others.
"Everyone does at forty, it's part of the fun." Charlie raised an eyebrow as she swapped the food for a large glass of wine, but refrained from commenting.
"Yeah, well not everyone is unmarried, childless and permanently tired." She drained the glass, reaching over to pour herself another one before offering the bottle to Charlie, who sighed before topping up his much smaller glass.
"I'm sure lots of people would like to be." He said, smiling as she rolled her eyes and let her head loll onto his shoulder in reply. As much as he appreciated that she was a fully grown adult capable of making her own decisions, it was still hard not to worry about her sometimes. Recently especially; the excessive smoking and drinking was something she only ever did when she was upset or stressed and her sudden weight loss had become so obvious that even Ash had mentioned it the other day.
"Stop fretting." Zoe glanced up at the older man, a faint smile tugging at her lips. "I'm fine." Catching sight of his unconvinced expression she sat up, struggling slightly as she pushed herself up from her sunken position. "Honestly, I just need a break. Dirty weekend or something." She nudged his shoulder with her's and he smiled grudgingly, pulling her discarded curry towards him.
"Dirty weekend? At your age?" She slapped him lightly, but the teasing was forced and they fell into silence again, Zoe's offhand remark about taking a break weighing down on both of them. Part of her was serious - the idea of getting away from all of it, from Max's growing commitment, Connie's nagging criticisms, the constant headache she got every time she contemplated her life - but there was still that bit of her that couldn't fathom how she would function outside the ED. It was so full of memories, of friends and her substitute family that she didn't think she could bear being apart from it for any substantial amount of time.
"Maybe a break is a bit dramatic." Charlie's voice broke the silence as though he'd read her mind and she looked up at him gratefully. Perhaps he was what she would miss most of all, if she left. Ever since she'd joined seven years ago, and particularly during Nick's illness and then absence, Charlie been nothing but supportive. Even when she was being her own worst enemy, when she was shouting and swearing and generally being an appalling friend and colleague, he would always be there with a bottle of wine and a wry smile. She couldn't remember the last week that they hadn't had takeaway night, and she couldn't remember the last takeaway night when she hadn't ended up giggling drunkenly or falling asleep on his shoulder. As much as it pained her to admit it, she lent on Charlie more than she probably should, and had no idea what she would do if one of them was to leave.
Her inner monologue was abruptly interrupted by Charlie shifting to check his watch. She glanced at her own phone, her heart sinking slightly as she realised how late it was.
"I should get going." She could hear the reluctance in her own voice and she winced, standing up and fishing in her bag for a fag to avoid his gaze.
"Promise you'll look after yourself." Charlie glanced at the half eaten curry, but they both knew he meant it in a more general sense and the concern in his voice was almost palpable. He stood up and dragged her into a hug, planting a soft kiss on the top of her head. They stayed there for a minute before Zoe pulled away, clearing her throat and forcing a watery smile.
"Bye then." She made her own way to the door and back to her car, waving as she turned back to the house and watched Charlie head inside. Standing in the cold air, her arms wrapped around her waist, she felt her phone vibrating and reluctantly checked the caller ID.
It was Max.
She watched his name flash on the screen for what felt like eternity before taking a deep breath and hanging up. If she was going to start over, she was going to do it properly. No binging on drink and fags, no skiving off work and no singing porters that brought her flowers and doughnuts, however much it hurt. Starting today.
So this was more an intro but I just adore writing Charlie/Zoe stuff so it had to be done. Hope you enjoyed it, I'll try and update tomorrow but I'm a wedding (woo) so might be a little tired! R&R would be fab y'all x