Disclaimer: It all belongs to MilMar. I just play for a bit, then put the pieces back as they were. ;)
Summary: Inspired by Kate's comment in Recoil "Only in my dreams"
A/N: Takes place sometime before Veritas. All mistakes are mine.
In My Dreams
He was in her sights. The man who changed her entire life. She took a deep breath in some lame attempt to slow her fast-beating heart, the scarf covering her face tickled her nose as she did so.
Then, finally, time had arrived - she would never have another chance. She squeezed the trigger, and with an explosion of sound, he fell like a rag doll to the ground.
Quickly, she dropped the gun into her purse and calmly executed her escape, down the almost too-long hallway, through the back door, and across the alley. As she blended in to the busy New York street, she pulled off the coverings on her shoes and the scarf, carefully folding and stuffing all of them into her purse.
As the police cars passed her by with their sirens blaring, she slipped into another ally and found her way to the several streets over and hailed a cab. She gave the driver directions into one of the less savory parts of the city and sat back, continually reminding herself to remain calm and to breathe.
It didn't feel like relief, as she imagined, having taken him out. What he had done was unimaginable, and he'd done it to countless other families, not only hers. She thought that ending his life would somehow bring peace to the chaos that had corrupted her soul for so many years.
Unfortunately, it didn't.
If anything, her actions already haunted her, that she had fallen to the same level as he - a killer. A murderer. The exact type of person she had sworn to hunt down so no other family would have to go through what she had.
It left a bad taste in her mouth.
The cab finally came to a stop. "We're here," said the driver, and she paid the fare as she got out.
It wasn't all that bad in this part of town... during the day. The sidewalks were not as crowded as Manhattan, but she knew it was enough, and she knew no one would talk about any suspicious activity they might see.
She walked a few blocks to an abandoned building. She got inside through the broken window by the alley as she had twice before, then made her way into the basement, finding the nook just inside the closet that led to the underground tunnels of the city. She walked through the maze, recalling her steps, finally finding her 'haven' as she'd labeled it in her mind. She then pulled over the large piece of metal she already had prepared, then took off her gloves and placed them, along with her scarf on it, setting them on fire.
Thankfully, her duffel was just where she had set it only a few days ago, so piece by piece, she added her clothing to the flaming pile as she changed into the extra set left in the bag. She then carefully wiped the gun off and tossed it into a nearby sewage grate.
There was some sort of smile she felt pull across her lips as she heard it splash into the liquid below. She knew it meant she'd never be found out.
Quickly, she followed the tunnels and slipped back to the surface of the city and hailed another cab for the ride back to Manhattan.
It wasn't long until her phone rang, making her heart quicken, and she had to remember to calm down. This was a call she was expecting, after all.
She took a deep breath, and answered, "Beckett."
"Yo, Beckett," said Esposito, "Been trying to get a hold of you. You okay?"
She felt her heart begin to hammer in her chest as she answered, "I'm fine, just got out of the subway."
"I see," he said, and she could have sworn there was a hint of doubt in his voice. "We have a murder. I'll text you the address."
"All right. See you there." Kate barely glanced at the address when it came through. She knew exactly where the murder was committed.
After a few minutes passed, she tapped the driver on the shoulder. "Let me out on the next block." She was fairly close to Castle's place, and a plan was beginning to form.
"All right," he went through the next intersection and slowed to a stop at the curb.
Kate paid the fare and walked another block to a Starbucks. Before she went in, she called Castle and told him where to meet her. When he hung up, she stepped inside and ordered two coffees and two bear claws, paying for it with her credit card.
She stepped outside and waited.
In a few moments, Castle drove up in his sedan. Kate opened the passenger door and got in, setting down the tray holding the coffee and pastries before she buckled her seat belt.
"You feeling all right, Kate?" he asked, "You look a little pale."
She hated how well he could read her. Somehow, she knew he would have this all figured out before long. "I'm fine, Castle, just get us to the crime scene."
He nodded, and took one of the bear claws out of the tray, "As you wish."
It was all a blur, the traffic, the mumbling of Castle trying to start a conversation, all of it, until they got back to the building from which her day started.
As Kate got out of Castle's car, she felt like all the eyes were on her. She tried to ignore the feeling as she approached Lanie, who was knelt over the body.
"What have we got?" Kate asked, trying to not let the wild beating of her heart and light-headedness show.
"Our vic is Senator William Bracken. He suffered a GSW to the chest," replied the ME, "whoever did this was an expert marksman. The Senator never knew what hit him."
So much for letting him suffer, to bleed out and die slowly, as he had let so many others, thought Kate. She turned toward Castle, and saw his eyes narrowed slightly. He was too quiet, and she knew the wheels were turning in his mind.
Thankfully, Lanie continued, "Looks like a large caliber bullet did the job, but I'll know what type when I get to the lab."
Kate nodded and found Esposito approaching. "Any suspects?" she asked.
The detective shook his head, and she didn't care for the look he was giving her. "Not yet, but we're still canvassing the area. There have been a couple of people mention a person leaving out the back door of the building just after the gunshot, but no real descriptions so far."
"Keep looking, there has to be some sort of lead. A person can't just disappear after something like this," she said.
Espo nodded still looking at her as if he could read her thoughts, like he knew what happened. "I'll let you know as soon as we've got anything."
"Good," she answered as he walked off. She could still feel Castle's eyes burning into her back. "What, Castle, do you have any theories? Space aliens? Mob hit?"
His eyebrow quirked upward, and he took a step closer to her. His voice was quiet when he answered, "I have a theory, but I don't think this is the time or the place to reveal it."
The way he held her eyes, the concern in them especially, made her stomach turn. Kate wanted to turn away, but couldn't. He knew she did this, somehow figured it out, and basically just told her he wouldn't tell.
"Are you sure you're feeling all right, Beckett?" Castle asked, his voice back to its normal volume, "You really do look like you're not feeling well. Maybe you should let the guys take this and come back tomorrow."
Her breath caught in her chest and she nodded slowly.
Castle took out his phone and tapped a few keys on it. "Ryan, Beckett's ill, so I'm taking her back to her apartment. She'll be back on the case tomorrow. Think you guys can handle it for a day? Good."
He ended the call and took her hand, "Come on, let me take you someplace safe," he whispered.
The words were familiar, but she couldn't quite put a finger on when or where she'd heard them. "Okay."
He took her hand in his and led her back to his car. The drive to his loft was made in silence, until he drove into the underground garage. "Mother is teaching today, so we shouldn't have any interruptions."
Kate nodded and followed Castle to the elevator and into his home. The silence was deafening, especially with it coming from Castle. She steeled herself from his questions once they got inside.
"Want a cup of coffee?" he asked as he stepped into his kitchen.
Kate took a seat at the bar, shaking her head. She had barely touched the coffee she bought earlier, and her body was on high alert as it was. The last thing she needed was more caffeine. "No thanks." She watched him set up the coffee maker and pull down a mug from the cabinet.
When he finished, he stood across the island from her, his eyes seeing so deep inside her. "Want to talk about it?" he asked.
"What's there to talk about?" she hedged, "I've had a busy couple of days..."
"Planning the very crime scene we just walked from," he finished. "I'm willing to bet we're not going to find any evidence, because it's either been disposed of or destroyed. Also, any kind of description we get of a suspect won't fit anyone we find with ties to threatening the senator."
The silence was heavy for a time before he continued. "Why didn't you tell me what was going on?"
"You know," Kate got back to her feet and started toward the door, "I don't have to listen to this."
"Please... don't go, Kate. You don't have to run from me," said Castle, "I was telling the truth earlier. I can take you some place safe, where they won't find you. You don't have to tell me anything. I... I can't live with the idea of you going behind bars if I can do anything about it."
She stopped what she was doing and stared at him. "You can't get involved. Let this go, Castle. Go on a trip or something, anything, make some kind of excuse to leave the city. If I get caught, I get caught."
"No, I'm not leaving you," he said, "If I go anywhere, you're going with me."
Suddenly, there was a loud knock on his door. Their eyes met, and he motioned for her to go on to the bedroom. She went as far as his office and stayed to listen.
He opened the door, finding Espo and Ryan on the other side. "What's going on, guys?" he asked.
Espo shook his head, "Don't try it, Castle. We know Beckett is here."
"Yeah, I know that. She wasn't feeling well, so I brought her here to rest."
The two guys exchanged a look, "Dude, you know what she did? You can't tell me you've looked at her and couldn't tell."
Castle stepped back, almost placing himself between Espo and her. "I have no idea what you're talking about, so you need to get to the point or leave."
When Esposito took a step toward Castle, she could see the fury in the detective's eyes. Ryan moved forward to stop his partner, "Javi, there's no need for this right now. Do you really think Beckett could have killed Bracken?"
He moved into Ryan's face, "She's already tried once, Bro, what makes you think she hasn't tried again?" Then, back toward Castle, and for once, her partner didn't step back, "And our boy here is trying to protect her."
Kate couldn't stand to see them all like this, so she stepped out of Castle's office. "Stop it, guys," she said, trying her best to ignore the panicked and sad look in his eyes. "I didn't ask Castle to protect me, so leave him out of this." She offered her hands to them, "Take me in."
"Kate-"
"No, Castle. I have to answer for my actions, just like every other murderer." She turned back to Espo, "Come on, I'm tired of waiting."
The look on the detective's face was almost heartbreaking as he cuffed her and read her the Miranda Rights.
Ryan and Espo started for the door with her in tow, as Castle stopped them, "Guys, please, let us have a moment before you go."
The two exchanged a look and Esposito nodded, "We'll be right outside the door. Don't do anything stupid, Castle."
"Can't make any promises," he answered.
Once the door was closed, he took Kate in his arms, pressing his forehead to hers. "Why?" his voice cracked as he asked.
"Because I can't stand to see all of you fighting." she answered, tapping her nose lightly against his, "and it's better this way."
"We can still find a way. I'll get my lawyer to protect you... We can get out of here, find a place in the middle of nowhere. We'll never be found-"
"Not if I confess." She interrupted. "Castle, I love you, but I am not going to bring you down with me. I did this on my own."
He shook his head and kissed her forehead as he stepped away from her. "I'll still find a way."
Espo opened the door a crack, "Come on, guys, we've got to go."
Castle looked deeply into her eyes, and it sent a chill down her spine. He slowly reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a gun.
When he turned, he leveled the piece at the other detectives. "Yes, Espo, you do have to leave, but not with her."
Almost immediately, the others had their guns trained on Castle. "Come on, Castle," said Ryan, "Don't do this."
"Show me the evidence that she killed him, and I'll step aside." He pulled the hammer back, "Until then, you need to get the hell out of my loft."
Espo started to let his gun down, but Kate could see what he was thinking. She pushed Castle out of the way as the detective lifted the piece and fired. White fire pierced her shoulder and spread across her chest.
"Kate!"
Like so many months ago, Castle was above her, tears collecting in his eyes. "Kate, no... no, not like this-stay with me!" He shook her roughly, "Kate!"
She couldn't quite understand what he was doing. Shaking her made the pain worse, and she tried to tell him to stop, but couldn't make the words.
"Kate!" he pleaded, "Kate! You're having a bad dream. Wake up!"
Pins and needles stung across her arm and shoulder as the blood flow returned. She took in a deep breath, blinking in the darkness of Castle's bedroom.
She looked around in confusion, "What? What's going on? Castle?"
"Oh, you finally woke up!" he scattered kisses on her forehead and cheeks, leaving a lingering kiss on her lips. "You're okay. You were having some sort of nightmare."
"Oh," she said, silently sending a prayer of thanks up to whomever was listening. "It was, wasn't it? Just a dream."
"Yeah," he said, "You want to talk about it? Might make you feel better."
She shook her head and snuggled into his arms. "Not right now, but maybe one day."
"All right, but try not to do that to me again. You sound horribly frightening sometimes."
"I'll try," Kate said, feeling safe in the warmth of his arms. "Thank you for everything, Castle. For being here for me."
"Where else would I be?" he asked, then held her just a little tighter, "I will always be here for you, Kate. Don't ever doubt that, okay?"
The love in his words spread through her heart and body. "I know, I really do."
The dim light of the city lit Castle's room in a comforting sort of way, and with the warmth of him behind her, it wasn't long before Kate was asleep once more.