The Coward's Way Out?
Disclaimer: I own nothing except any OCs.
Summary: Who else did Ryan leave behind in Chino. What if there was someone other than Theresa relying on him?
Don't really know where the hell this came from, I guess it was thinking about Ryan and Teresa and the end of series 1, and I just wondered, what if she hadn't told him? Obviously that's not something Teresa would do so I started wondering about Ryan's life pre pilot, other girls, other friends…and anyway, this is what came out…go figure…
Bless me father for I have sinned…
The words come to mind unbidden. But are they true? Has she sinned, or did she do the right thing?
She knows Ryan would say she didn't, that this whole mess was somehow his responsibility, but it never was.
He always tried to take everything on his shoulders, and she always ragged on him for doing it. This isn't his fault. It took two to cause this and she won't let him sacrifice his life to save her.
He is the one with a future, not her; she knew that from the moment the Cohen's took him away to his brand new life. A second chance, one they'd all dreamed of, her Teresa, and of course Ryan. She doesn't know who deserved that chance more but for better or worse Ryan got it and she won't drag him back down to her level.
He'd say she was taking the coward's way out, not telling him, and then running. But who is he to talk; can't he see that she's trying to save him? He's the one who left, none of them knew where he'd gone and she never got a chance to tell him before that happened. Maybe she'd have looked for him, or maybe not, who knows? In the end the decision was taken from her, her Father got put back inside. The son of a bitch got caught trying to commit an armed robbery, stupid asshole, probably drunk out of his skull or high when he tried to do it but what does it matter?
She always knew that this was coming. Her brother's in jail, like Trey, caught stealing a car, stupid idiot that he is, and Nikki…well her sister has never exactly been what you'd call reliable, half the time strung out on coke or worse, an endless string of abusive boyfriends and a little girl social services should have taken from her years ago. She'll get no help from either of them and she wouldn't even know where to start looking for her mother. Her family is just as much of a disaster as Ryan's, which is why she can't go to him, can't ask him for help. He doesn't deserve to go through this twice.
It isn't Ryan's job to save her, it never was. She never needed him to be strong for her; it was her that always kissed away his tears. She doesn't need a saviour, her life may suck but she doesn't need saving, she'll find her own way out of this hellhole, one way or another she is going to save herself. He won't pay for her mistakes. So it's not selfish, right? Because she is trying so hard to protect him from this, this problem that belongs to both of them will only be her responsibility because he has a chance, and he deserves better than a repeat of the lives their parents led.
So she won't tell him, she won't search him out even though Teresa has told her where he is now, she won't go looking for him, go looking for hope, for something that may never have been there to start with. Did he ever love her, or did she imagine it? He cared for her; she knows that much but is it enough? She won't risk everything he has to find out, she's not that selfish, she can live with not knowing. According to Theresa he has a good life, a new girlfriend, a new family. He's finally happy, she won't be the one to take that from him. She loves him too much to take away everything he's ever wanted with a few words.
If he knew he'd come running to her, she knows him well enough to know that, but she doesn't want this. She doesn't want to ruin his life. So she won't, it's as simple as that. She'll leave, drop out of high school, get a job, it won't be easy but she'll survive, and she'll be able to look herself in the eye and know that she did this on her own, that she didn't go running to Ryan, that she hasn't wrecked his life as well as her own.
One of them will still have a chance at everything they ever dreamed of. And who knows, perhaps in time her dreams will come true as well? She can dream, of him and the life they could have lived, and she can teach their son just what a good guy his father is. She can't save herself, but she can save her child. She won't be her mother, or Dawn Atwood, she'll succeed, she has to.
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