White Reflections

Summary: Major spoilers for the end of the series and for some in between as well.

These are Roy's reflections on those closest to him.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. I make no money writing this fan fiction.

A/N: This is an idea that came to me when I was in detention just recently. It shows the mood that I was in at the time. After watching the end of the series, I have had the idea to do this for awhile, but I just never actually got around to doing it until now. Obviously, this is only going to be a one-shot, and it contains major spoilers for both anime and manga. This also helped me with some writer's block that I had with my Gravitation story, so that will be updated soon. Hopefully….Please read and review.

Another rainy day. Sitting here, watching the tiny tear-like drops fall seems mesmerizing to me. I don't particularly like the rain though. It leaves me feeling defenseless. You always seemed to enjoy reminding me about it too. Watching the rain always seems to bring back memories of you and others.

The first memory that is very vivid in my mind is the Scar incident back when I was still in charge if East City. I wanted so much to hurt the person that caused you and your brother so much pain. You had absolutely nothing to do with the massacre. You were innocent. However, watching you with Alphonse, knowing you would have a chance to rest for awhile, that thought seemed to bring me a little bit of peace. Even though it already seemed to me that your break was going to be short-lived.

Then, it was raining at Maes' funeral. I know that the sky was a clear blue color, but yes it was raining that day. I wondered what you would say, how you would react. I didn't want to tell you. You called me a coward, but I simply didn't want you to be hurt anymore than you already were. Also, I felt completely lost myself. My emotions were in complete turmoil. Listening to Alicia cry, a little 3-year-old girl who couldn't possibly understand. How could she ever know how much her father loved her, or what an incredible person her father was. Hearing her beg, hearing her plead, it was nothing short of heart breaking. You could have understood her pain. You would have known what to say. However, once again, I had nothing to say. Again, you would have called me a coward.

Then there was the battle with Pride. That evening was the last time that I ever saw you alive. Had I known that, I would never have let so many things go unsaid. You were being pursued by the military, yet you continued to press on, never faltering in your quest. I never told you this, but I always admired you. You had such drive, such determination, and such strength. I remember the first time that I ever saw you. It was raining then too, if my memory serves me right. I saw the violent reaction that the failed transmutation caused. It was a miracle that the two of you survived at all. It was then that I realized that you really were something special. It was also then that I realized just how strong the bond was between you and your brother. The love and the bond between the two of you was so deep. Whenever I saw the two of you together, it never failed to bring at least a small smile to my face, whether I showed it or not.

It seemed like it may have been raining on the night that you died as well. That entire night is only a blur to me. I remember Hawkeye telling me about what happened to you. I was my usual self on the outside, calm and collected, but on the inside I felt like I was dying. It felt like someone was ripping my heart from my body. It was hard to believe that it had only been four years since you hand joined that ranks of the State Alchemists. It seemed like it was only yesterday.

Watching the rain always seems to captivate me in some strange way. It almost seems hypnotizing to me. You would probably call me an idiot or a sentimental old bastard, anything along those lines. I miss those insults now. I would have never said anything about it to your face, but it was always so amusing. I loved to watch you get so worked up. I would give anything to see that again. Why you? Why Maes? Why never me? I caused to many undeserving deaths during the war, why is my life always the one that is spared?

You believed so strongly in the Law of Equivalent Exchange. And, as an alchemist, I suppose I do too. However, I began to doubt it, first when Maes died, and then, you. I wondered where the equivalency was in that. How could anyone even consider that equal? It wasn't. Then I thought about it. Maybe this was my equivalent exchange. Maybe this is my punishment for taking countless numbers of innocent lives during the war; I have to watch those that I care about the most die, right before my eyes.

The rain is still falling. My thoughts of you are beginning to drift to the back of my mind where they belong. I turn my back to the window, to the rain, to the memories. The vision of you face begins to fade from my sight, eventually blurred out completely by tears. Good-bye Edward.

"Humankind can not give anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth.

-Alphonse Elric

Opening of 'Fullmetal Alchemist'