Pain in the Rain
By Six
Lyrics from the Smashing Pumpkins song "Today"
Ok, this ficcy was inspired by lots and lots of angsty fanfic reading and hours of listening to Smashing Pumpkins. It's my very first fic!!! It's basically a song fic (big suprise since I usually don't like songfic). Also, sorry for the completely corny sounding title, but I hate titling my work. This is my first fic, and I think it might be a bit confusing and weird, but read anyways and tell me what you think. : )
Thanks to Beamer for introducing me to digific and Kenzie for her constantly being online really late at night.
Song lyrics are in *'s
*Today is the greatest, day I've ever known*
The night was never this frightening, never this dark, never this....alone. I run at a frantic pace, getting as far away from Taichi as I possibly can, until my legs collapse from exhaust, and I land on the ground, crying and letting the sense of mind-numbing grief rise up from my stomach and rush though my body in a frenzy. Midnight skies hover above betraying my senses as the stars glitter with innocence, giving a false sense of peace and tranquillity. I stare at them, remembering how they once let me gaze apon them and dream, but now I look and see those dreams, thrown in the mud and then smashed in my face.
*Can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long*
I sit here in the dirt and the scum, rain coursing down my face, mingling with the tears of shame and the salty sweat made from my wild run. When I saw those two together in love's intimate embrace, I just bolted, ran for the door and didn't stop. I could vaguely hear Tai shouting my name, stumbling towards me, but I didn't care. I had to get out of there; I had to run, and keep running until the pain ended.
*I'll burn my eyes out, before I get out*
I collapse and let my penitence swallow me like a blanket in a mockery of comfort. I feel almost like I should have stopped; listened to what they had said and tried to work it out or at least listen to their side, but I was so hurt at that moment, like my heart had been pulled at and then snapped and broken into so many pieces that it could never be put back together. I had never loved anyone before Taichi. It had taken awhile, but I had finally let him into my heart and allowed him to share it with me. But in that one moment when I had walked in on him and......her...... he had shattered it. My beloved pulled a dark mask over my heart that had been lifted when I was in love, but that love was over, lost, forfeited to another on a foul shot taken straight to my core: my very being.
*I wanted more, Than life could ever grant me*
I ask myself why, almost expecting an answer from the empty of the dank, country road. Why did he have to do this to me? Why was I betrayed, stabbed in the back by my friend, my lover? I was so much in love with him and I thought he was in love with me. I guess he was confused when he told me he loved me. Perhaps my once dear Taichi thought he was meant for me, and maybe he still is, maybe his fling with her was just run on pure lust, but even still, I can't take such a heartbreak.. Feelings run through me, so many it's hard to pull them apart from their ardent embrace.
*Bored by the chore, of saving face*
Rage, fear, shame, and guilt all scurry through me like marathon runners in a sick and twisted race to my reactions. I try and tune it out, I try not to think the thoughts that are slowly pulling, twisting, ripping me, like two greedy, fat children tearing at a piece of candy, each hungry for a part of my soul. I no longer resist. The emotions rise up and take me over, throwing off all my senses as if they are nothing. It's almost a relief to give up, to not have to try and stop, to let this all rush over me: an ocean swalling me and taking me away.
*Today is the greatest, Day I've ever known, Can't wait for tomorrow, I might not have that long*
I lie back, almost enjoying the sudden peace of an over-coming grief. Misery encompasses me, allowing a warmth to come to me, finally the twisting and turning of my battered soul has stopped and the, pain holds me down and straps me to a table of anguish, a mad scientist tying down an innocent mortal, and begins to stab and pull at my skin, tearing it into bits and peices.
*I'll tear my heart out, Before I get out*
Suicidal thoughts begin to build in my head. All in all it sounds like a not so bad idea. All the pain and suffering would end, I would truely be at peace. Or maybe I would go to hell and have to sit there everyday, knowing my turmoil and having to feel it push at me, getting to my essence and taking it.
*Pink ribbon scars, That never forget, I tried so hard, To cleanse these regrets*
Slowly the sobs break from my frame and wrack my body. I feel broken, like I have fallen apart in a world that I never felt whole in.
*My angel wings, Were bruised and restrained, My belly stings*
I am crushed, both physically and emotionally. My beaten body shakes with chills that threaten to never end, that will never leave me to my misery.
*Today is*
*Today is*
*Today is*
*The greatest day*
The wet seeps in through my clothing, letting down my one defence, defence against the world, against myself, and makes me feel cheap and insignificant.
*I want to turn you on*
*I want to turn you on*
*I want to turn you on*
*I want to turn you*
I can feel death creeping into my veins, ending the world, ending the misery, ending all that I have ever been and all that I ever might have been. I get a feeling, almost like relief; a dark symphony slowly ending in a peaceful melody. One final breath escapes my lips.
"Taichi"
*Today is the greatest*
*Today is the greatest day*
*Today is the greatest day*
and I slip into a grateful oblivion, just as my beautiful Taichi runs to me and begins crying and whispering my name in a voice so full of regret and love....."Yamato."
*That I have ever really known*