Disclaimer:I do not own Roswell
I am not a romantic, at least I had never considered myself one. In fact, up until a few months ago I never truly believed in romantic love. I loved Max and Isabel as a brother and sister, but there had never been anyone else who I let my guard down for. Even to them I only showed small pieces of myself. People did not tend to reach out to me; the vibes I sent out must have clued them in that I was not someone who was very easy to befriend. My world consisted of Max and Isabel and that was all. Then one day Max decides to heal Liz and put all of our lives in her small hands. My first reaction had been anger, hot and surging, bubbling over to burn anyone who strode in my path. How could he expose us that way? How could he should our vulnerabilities to this insignificant petite human girl? To say that I did not trust her is an understatment.
When I noticed her writing in her journal that day at the Crashdown I had to steal it. For my own piece of mind I needed to know for sure that the small brunette could be trusted. If I had known how the words she'd penned would truly affect me I would never have read what was never meant for my eyes. This girl who I had never really payed attention to until she was forced into my life had one of the most fascinating personalities I had ever encountered. The feelings and thoughts that she spilled across each page sprang to life as I read her words. It was only after I came across the fifth entry that I regretted taking her journal. For my own sake I wish I had finished reading after the first entry. The first entry was enough to satisfy me that this young girl could be trusted, but I could not seem to stop myself from turning the page with anticipation.
My name is Liz Parker and after today my whole world is changed. Michael Guerin is the best friend of Max Evans (the boy who saved my life) and he has always slightly frightened me. I know it's stupid, but the boy with tousled hair and burning golden eyes has always produced a hot white fear deep inside of me. Even before I knew who he truly was this feeling had pulsated with in my stomach. I think I now realize why.
After Max saved me and he shared the flashes with me I thought that I was in love with him. I think I'm coming to realize that I was in love with the way he saw me. Never before had I experienced the kind of passion he felt when he simply looked at me and I had always wanted that so bad. My relationship with Kyle was childish, filled with sticky ice cream cones and innocent summer days at the beach, but what Max feels for me...I never thought someone would ever feel that way about me. I've only begun to understand that Max Evans is not who I had originally thought. I think I imagined him to be something so much more than he is in my head. I really think he has some extreme controlling issues. It's like he has to control everyone around him and that doesn't make him a bad person, but it doesn't make him someone that I want to be with. I can just imagine how it would be between us and even the thought makes me cringe. He's accustomed to making all the decisions for those around him and I'm not willing to let him do that for me. When it comes to the alien issue, fine whatever, he can make the decisions there. I'm not exactly an expert in that area, so he has complete precedence over me in those types of situations. But...what about when it comes time for me to decide where I want to go to school or whether or not I want to go to some party? Will he try to make my decisions for me in those situations as well? I don't think I really want to find out. Not only that, but Max never pulled at my heart the way someone else does.
The fear I felt when seeing Michael was because I was afraid when he looked at me I would be found wanting. He came into the Crashdown today and with one glance in my direction I could feel my hands begin to tremble, but not in fear. They trembled with nerves. The feeling that I had been wanting to feel with Max was churning inside of me when I looked at his best friend. I don't know how I never noticed it before, but I have a feeling it has someone to do with the fear. Fear that I would let someone get close enough to hurt me. I know that the feelings I have for Michael can never be made known. Not only is he Max's best friend, but I think that Maria has a thing for him and that alone makes him off limits. It doesn't stop the way I feel, although I wish it did. I find myself wanting to know him, really know him the way that no one else does. Michael intrigues me in a way that no other person ever has and I want to see the many faces that are him. I know that he hides himself away, somewhere safe where no one can ever get to him because he doesn't want to feel attached. The only thing Michael has ever waited for is to go home. I can see it in his eyes that he believes that this planet where they came from has got to be better than Earth. I'm afraid for the day that he leaves; the day that they all leave. Will he say good bye? Not to me...never to me. I'm not that girl, it doesn't matter how much I wish I could be. I'll never be that girl in his eyes.
I forced myself to stop reading there. My hands closed the leather-book shakily. I had never imagined that Liz Parker would ever feel that way about me. It's been five months since I read that entry, five months of finding myself staring at her long after what would be considered normal and keeping my feelings hidden. I watched as Maxwell and Liz began dating, keeping my mouth shut. I continue to date Maria, even though I don't really want to. Maria is a way to distract myself. She numbs the pain as much as she is able, all the while oblivious to the fact that it's her best friend I imagine when I'm kissing her. I close my eyes and think of Liz's dark hair and exotic eyes, running my hands over Maria's body I think of how silky Liz's skin would be under my touch. I know that it's wrong, but what else can I do? Liz Parker belongs to my best friend, my King, and she will never belong to me.
We kissed, only once. I was working late and so was she. We were joking in the back, being the only two people there, throwing french fries at each other and laughing. Suddenly her expression grew serious and she tentatively stepped closer to me, closing the gap between us. Her small hands reached up and gently grazed the side of my face. I could not help the sigh of contentment even as I asked her what she was doing. The crimson blush that rose upon her cheeks caused her to be even more beautiful and the fragile grasp I had on my control slipped away. I leaned my head down, pressing my lips against hers. It was so much more than I had ever imagined it could be. When I kissed Maria it was rough and playful, with Liz it was all softness and feeling. Images that came pouring in my mind almost had me stepping back in surprise, but the feeling of her lips on mine was too precious. I saw a five-year old Liz with tears dripping down her face when no one would sit by her at lunch. Next a ten year old Liz blowing out the candles on her birthday cake. Then it was a fourteen year old Liz watching me with fearful eyes as I sat in her parent's diner with Max and Isabel. A fifteen year old Liz being healed. Liz watching me with love and pain mingled together in her darker than night eyes. Liz kissing Max.
It was the last image that had me pulling away from her. It was the last image that had me remembering that she was taken, that she was not free to give her kisses to me. I stared down at her with golden eyes, her large brown looking up at me with fear, pity and understanding in them. I knew then that she had gotten flashes as well. Somehow I had let my guard slip with her and she had received the images that I had never wanted anyone to see.
"Michael," she whispered, reaching out a hand to lay on my shoulder, but I flinched away from her. The tear that rolled down her cheek slowly broke my heart in half. The acceptance in her eyes filled me with dread and pain. We both knew that we could never be together. We stole a few moments in time, but there would be no more stolen moments. Neither of us was willing to risk all; neither us of was built for sneaking around behind the backs of those we truly cared about.
There are days when I see her and I have turn and walk away. Sometimes it's simply too much to look into those large dark eyes and know that she's feeling everything that I am. I have to bite back my angry words when I see her delicate fingers laced within Max's calloused hands. I can see in her eyes that she isn't happy with him, but that she's too good of a person to break his heart. I know by the way she is with him that she looks at him as a best friend, not a boyfriend. I wish that I could take her away and we could be together away from them all. I wish that I could make her promises of forever, but even if there wasn't Max and Maria between us I never could. Someday I will have to go home.
Maybe it is better this way. No attachments means there's nothing stopping me from finding out where I come from. I only wish that I didn't find myself seeing my home as where ever Liz Parker is. Even though I can never really be with her, I can't see myself ever leaving her.