Severus Snape had always been a rather solitary man for as long as Nymphadora Tonks could remember. She had often tried to talk to him, to be friends with him, to give him someone to rely on. However, he had always just turned away and refused any help she offered him. She could never understand why he could possibly manage to remain alone like that but she was determined to find out one day. That day was today.
Tonks had been sitting by herself at the table in the kitchen at Number 12 Grimmauld Place with a mug full of hot chocolate and the Daily Prophet in front of her as if she was reading it, although in all honesty she was in fact in her own world. Her thoughts had once again gone to the Potions Master that she had tried so hard to befriend over the years and she wondered if she would ever manage it. She did like him. He had certain characteristics that most men simply didn't have. He was a little like Remus in that sense, although it seemed as though Remus was entirely unwilling to love her, and she thought that maybe if she became friends with Severus she might be able to learn more about Remus, even though they seemed to really hate one another.
She was so engrossed in her own thoughts as she sat in the darkness of the kitchen in Number 12 that she didn't even hear the front door opening. She didn't hear the footsteps in the hallway and she definitely didn't hear the kitchen door open. She had been lost in her own thoughts for several minutes, in fact, before she realised she was no longer alone. "Evening, Severus," she said to the man that had been sharing the room with her. "I didn't see you there," she added, hoping not to sound rude, "Have you been here long?"
Severus allowed himself a grim smile, then shook his head, "I've been here longer than you would realise. In the darkness you don't see what stares back at you..."
Tonks frowned a little at that sentence, unsure of exactly what Severus was attempting to say. It wasn't the sort of thing that a normal person would say, after all, and that made her feel a little uneasy at times. She liked him a lot as a person but some of the things he said could be a little odd at times, "Well, I saw you eventually," she replied, smiling a little at him through the darkness. "What brings you here at this hour?" she asked.
Severus frowned a little at the fact that she seemed to have actually understood him somewhat for a change, "Where did you find those brain cells you just used?" he asked, a glimmer of joy evident in his voice as he spoke. He loved to hurt her. He found it quite a fun game, in fact. She showed too many emotions for his liking. "I was walking towards the light when I realized that it was the Devil using a spotlight to lead the way to Hell," he replied in answer to her question.
Surprisingly, she replied, "I do have a brain in there somewhere, Severus. I just tend to keep it locked away in case I become too accustomed to having it there for my every want and need." She smiled a little at his next statement and nodded, "Who did he make you kill this time?" she asked, knowing about his alliance with the death eaters and Voldemort and knowing that he often had to do things he wasn't particularly willing to do.
"Believe me, if I started murdering people… there'd be none of you left…" Severus sighed a little, moving towards the table with a hint of uncertainty. He wasn't used to people understanding him in any way, shape or form. "How do you understand matters of this sort?" he asked as he sat down heavily in the chair opposite Tonks. He wasn't going to be friendly to her in any way when other people were around but in the meantime, while they were alone, he would probe her for answers and perhaps tolerate her.
Tonks smiled a little at him, moving back ever so slightly so as not to make him feel uncomfortable about being close to her. She knew how he hated people and was surprised that he had sat down, "Darkness never really goes away, once you've seen it. We are like the seasons fall and winter. We fall so much until there is nothing left, and then we turn cold and dead to the point where we are a completely different person," she replied, looking up from her hot chocolate and into his eyes. He immediately looked away, though, and she frowned, "You never look into my eyes... are you scared of what you'll see?"
He scowled at the final part of what she said, "I'm not afraid of anything," he hissed, "Least of all, you." He still couldn't bring himself to look into her eyes, though. Truthfully, he was afraid of what he might see there. She understood him too well and she had obviously been through far more than he had ever realized previously. "Do you know the true meaning of fear?" he asked her, wanting to know how far she had been pushed into truly being frightened before. He almost entirely ignored the first sentences she had said, although he had taken them in. He found it rather odd that she had said "we", though. His mind was whirring with thoughts and he wondered just what she had seen in her life to make her even remotely able to understand what was going on in his own life and he wanted to get to know her even more. He just couldn't bring himself to invade her mind to find out. He wanted her to tell him, not to probe through her innermost thoughts and feelings to find out.
Tonks laughed at how he said he wasn't afraid of anything, "We all have fears, Sev," she said, daring to shorten his name. "Some have rather inferior fears when compared with the fears of others but some people have fears which are far too deep within themselves that, in some cases, they aren't even aware of their existence until it's too late."
Severus frowned a little at the shortened version of his name but said nothing. It didn't sound too bad, coming from her, as he thought it might have done. He contemplated what she had said for a few seconds and then asked, "And what is it that you fear?"
Tonks smiled a little, "Death, for one thing. But then who isn't afraid of death? It's the one thing in life which will certainly come but the one thing that most people fear as well which I suppose is ironic, really."
Severus shook his head as she was speaking. He felt completely different about this subject and decided she would perhaps understand his viewpoint better than most. She seemed like the sort to do so, anyway. "To be Immortal may seem a blessing but when all your family, friends and loved ones are gone and are no more you shall see to die is the greatest relief." He hoped she would understand this point. Those who were unable to die wanted nothing more than to do so, yet those who were able to wanted to live forever.
"True, that," Tonks replied, thinking about his statement and taking a sip out of her mug of hot chocolate. "We are all waiting in a long line just to die," she commented, frowning a little at the thought of it.
"Some die far too early, though," he replied, taking his eyes off of her and getting up from his chair to pour himself a hot chocolate as well. "Refill?" he asked and she nodded. He refilled her mug, not once looking at her, as he poured the hot chocolate into the two mugs now resting on the table; hers and his.
Tonks nodded, knowing he was talking about Lily, "She didn't die in vain, though," she said, hoping that might make him feel a little better. "She died to save her son."
"She could have lived if she had given the boy to the Dark Lord, though," he spat, sounding as though he was still angry over the whole thing. She frowned a little at how angry he still seemed so he added, "I won't be held down by who I use to be, she's nothing to me. Neither her nor the boy."
Tonks laughed a little and shook her head, "It's okay, Sev, I'm not going to tell anyone about this conversation. I know you still care about her. It's obvious. You look at Harry sometimes and you're just staring at his eyes. At her eyes." By this point he had sat back in his seat and his hands were resting on the table. She moved one of her own hands and gently placed it on top of his, "The ground is stained with blood from the wars, the fights, and the massacres of our past. It's just a reminder of things that have happened in the past. We learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others and eventually the wounds that were made during those massacres will heal."
"You can't heal death, though. Death is the ultimate fate. Unless, of course for one thing. Is there death after death?" he asked as he raised an eyebrow a little, shaking his head. "No, death happens and the end cannot be changed. Once the mind has been driven insane by fear of death, there is nothing left to live for. The only friend that I have now is unreal. In the land of forgotten, darkness is my only friend keeping me tight in its embrace, but its embrace is cold."
Tonks shook her head, frowning, "You have me. Do I not count as your friend?" She had always wanted to be close to him and be classed as a friend. She had always cared a great deal for him ever since her days at Hogwarts when he had treated her meanly, although she didn't even care about that. She had always had a soft spot for him.
Severus looked into her eyes for the first time that evening and nodded a little, "Yes. Yes, just possibly I would be able to call you my friend now," he replied, smiling ever so slightly, making Tonks smile as well. "I've never been a good friend though so you'd have to forgive me for that."
Tonks laughed and shook her head, "You care in your own way. And after all, we're only human... Moving, Breathing, Living disasters," she smiled, observing the smile that was still haunting his face. "I think I like that smile," she added, laughing a little at his reaction, a typical Snape-frown.
"You can be evil sometimes, Nymphadora," he said, grinning truly for once at the scowl he got in reply to that statement, "Although, of course, evil isn't born, it's created. Perhaps I taught you well at Hogwarts after all."
Tonks laughed and nodded, "Yeah, only you could teach me such things. No influence from my insane aunt or anything!" She rolled her eyes slightly but jokingly to make sure he didn't take offence to that at all. "I could never be like her. You, perhaps. But not her."
"You wouldn't want to be like me," he replied, frowning a little, "Life as a person like me is a very solitary one. Alone in a world where cruelty has no standards makes you think dying is the only way to survive," he sighed. "It can be hard to convince yourself to find a reason to continue to live."
Tonks frowned, "You have plenty to live for, Sev. You've got a great job-"
"-What's so great about it? I have to teach kids that refuse to learn most of the time and I despise teenagers at the best of times, especially when they're rude and arrogant," he replied, sounding almost bitter and twisted about the whole thing.
"But not all students are like that. I know I wasn't a particularly good student but I could remember pretty much anything you taught me, I assure you," she replied, trying to comfort him. She really felt bad for him and wished she would just take away all his hurt and pain.
"Really?" he asked, sounding hopeful that at least one of his students knew something. He decided to question her on ingredients and asked, "What's another name for Monkshood?"
"Aconite or Wolfsbane," she replied instantly, smiling at him. "I did listen to you, even if it didn't seem as though I was," she added, smiling once again. "I always thought you were one of the best teachers there, in fact," she added.
"But you always managed to spill the Potion," he frowned, "You cost me more money than the rest of your year put together. And you thought you were in control…."
"Yeah… Sorry about that, Sev," she said, blushing a little, "I don't mean to be horrifically clumsy. I don't know if you've ever seen me coming through the door to Grimmauld Place but I fall over every time. I suppose I just fail at basics like walking and controlling my hands."
Severus laughed at that final line, "Oh, really?" he asked, laughing to himself. It was rare for him to smile, let alone laugh, and she had made him do both of those things that night without the need to use any form of alcohol.
Tonks just rolled her eyes and laughed as well, "Seek solace in your dreams. They protect you from the cold clutches of reality, Sev," she said, laughing. She knew exactly what he was thinking and was rather surprised that he would allow himself to think such things in public as he had always seemed very reserved to her. "Not that I have a problem with you thinking things like that, though," she added, smiling at him again.
Severus smiled, "That comment just sort of came out," he said, smiling a little once again, "I'm glad you don't mind, though," he added as he watched for any form of negative reaction from her. There was none, however. "Why do you like me?" he asked, having rarely experienced such a thing before.
"What is there not to like?" she asked in return, "You're reserved but there's nothing wrong with that."
"Perhaps a little too reserved sometimes though," he said, frowning a little, "I've always been like it for as long as I can remember."
"Well, maybe we could have conversations like this more often?" Tonks suggested, smiling at him.
"I'd like that," Severus replied, smiling at her as well.
Between them, a silent agreement had been made where neither would mention these conversations to anyone else. There would be no need. But there would be more like this. Lots more. And Tonks knew she would appreciate time like this with him because he would appreciate it.