One day, Donkey Kong and his best friend Diddy Kong were going for a stroll down to the Banana Hoard. All of a sudden, DK had a mighty need.
Donkey Kong whipped out the Coconut Gun. "Hold still, little bud…" he said with immense concentration.
"DK, I am ready for anything you throw at me," said Diddy. He then took out his Peanut Popguns and started firing lethal legumes.
DK caught the shells in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. He thought about bananas. As he expelled his tongue from its holy domain, he brought forth bananas.
Diddy gasped. "DK, how?"
"I used alchemy to transform the peanuts into a better food," said DK proudly.
Just then Funky came out of the bushes in a fur coat and broccoli cheddar soup-filled galoshes. "What is the tea, dude?" asked the funkiest of monkeys.
DK snarled and blasted Funky into next summer.
Timeskip (it is now next summer)
King K. Rool was trimming his reptilian toenails while he reclined regally on his royal throne. "It's great to be a king!" he sang because that joke will never get old.
"What's goin' on, sire?" asked Klump as he and Krusha entered the throne room.
K. Rool screamed at the sight of how ugly Klump's helmet was. He tore off his own nose and fed it to Krusha. Krusha grew ten times taller and his biceps were much meatier than even Donk Cena's.
"What will happen to my nose, Sire?" asked Klump with his uglified head.
K. Rool took a map out of his pocket and laughed. "It says here that the Crystal Coconut is unguarded! Go fetch of me its brilliance, slaves!"
So Klump and Krusha ran over to Cranky's cabin to try to steal the coconut.
They knocked on the door. Cranky opened it up and beat them up with his cane.
"I'm going to sue you, old man!" said ugly Klump.
Krusha faded from existence.
"What just happened?" asked Klump in utter shock. He turned around and saw Bluster Kong with the Infinity Gauntlet. Bluster snapped and now half of Kongo Bongo was totes dead.
"What a tragedy!" cried Klump.
Four months later…
Donkey Kong ate of the last banana of the season. The creamy succulence filled his soul with determination. He took of a stick and drew a picture of himself in the sand.
"What is that?" asked Diddy, approaching while eating yogurt.
DK wept. "I am having an existential crisis…"
"So is the author," said Diddy.
"No, it is worse than that!" DK then took out a boomerang. He bit it and it transformed into a banana. "See what I say? My alchemy only works on boomerangs now!" He collapsed in tears. Diddy tried to restore his spirit, but it was too late.
Just then, Kaptain Skurvy arrived on the beach. "Arr, I be wantin' all the booty!"
Banana…
"What be that noise?" asked Skurvy.
Just then DK emerged from the shadows with his Kanohi Suletu, the Great Mask of Telepathy. He had heard the evil thoughts of the pirates. "I will oust you, vermin!" DK shouted like a mad ape. He took out his CG and blasted the goons into last summer.
And this is where our story begins…
At its end…
END