Keeping up Appearances
Richard's 60th Birthday
Hyacinth looked on excitedly as Richard began opening his birthday Present.
Richard: I thought I told you not to get my anything Hyacinth
Hyacinth:Dont be silly Richard its your 60th Birthday.
As Richard unwrapped his present, A look of confusion and Suprise emerged on his face,
Richard: Oh an electric toothbrush just what I wanted (Sarcastically)
Hyacinth: You do like it dont you?
Richard: I do Hyacinth but Ive allready got one,
Hyacinth:Yes but its on its last legs dear and its the top of the range must have,
I overheard Mrs Barker-finch bragging about it.
Richard:Well thank you dear anyway
(Gives Hyacinth a kiss)
Meanwhile at Elizabeth's a nervous Emmet was walking backwards and Forwards debating wether to go to
Richards party tonight,
Emmet:Hyacinth will sing at me...I just hope she hasnt ordered a Karaoke Machine tonight.I Can Just
picture her leggy Sister Rose singing a rendition of its raining men and dedicating it to me.
Elizabeth: Oh Emmet iam nervous to especially when it comes to handling Hyacinth's Royal Doulton.
Emmet:Do we have to go round to his party tonight Liz? Cant you just say we both have caught food poisoning.
Elizabeth: Emmet calm down, we are going for Richard not Hyacinth.
Back at Hyacinth's
Hyacinth is going through the Guest List with Richard in the kitchen.
Hyacinth: The Major,Mrs Counsellor Nugent, Cp Benedict, Daisy,Onslow and Rose. I just pray to God, Onslow is wearing something suitable not a vest and Rose
is wearing an Approprite skirt, Lets hope Onslow doesnt turn up in that heap of Junk.
Richard: He wont be if he is Drinking.
Hyacinth: Violet and Bruce are coming,Oh richard i said to Violet on the phone last night she and Bruce can stay overnight in the spare bedroom and Park
the Mercedez in the Garage.
Richard:What about my Car?
Hyacinth: Leave your car on the drive Richard, Bruce wants the mercedez in the Garage he doesnt want it to get Stolen.
Richard: (Rolls his eyes) What if my car gets Stolen?
Hyacinth:Why would anyone want to steal A D Reg?
(Phone Rings)
Hyacinth:The Bouquet Residence...Lady of the house speaking...Oh its you Violet...What do you mean you have nothing to wear tonight?...Bruce wants
to wear your best evening dress?...Violet dear you have a wardrobe full of Beautiful Clothes...i..?...Look Violet put your foot down dear
with your husband,he is not turning up at Richard's party in your evening dress...I wont allow it...Have you gave him his medication this morning...No...Well do it now
Violet and hopefully later Bruce will forget about wearing your evening dress and turn up in a suit...I shall not have your husband driving a mercedez in your designer Gown to my house.
Hyacinth walks into the kitchen looking frustrated
Hyacinth: As much as I love my brother in law Bruce...He really drives me up the wall sometimes with his cross dressing ways.wanting to turn up tonight in Violets best evening dress, the swine.
Richard (Laughs) Will be the highlight of the party.
Hyacinth: RICHARD!
Later on that Day the Guests arrive
First to arrive is Daisy,Onslow and Rose.
Hyacinth: Daisy, Rose Onslow...You all look nice
Onslow: And since its a special occasion, ive put on a tie just for you Hyacinth and left the car at home.
Hyacinth: How thoughtful.. Rose that dress is a bit short isnt it?
Rose: Its my best dress this Hyacinth, i thought i had better put this one on since Daisy told me Dishy Emmet and the Dishy Vicar were coming.
Hyacinth Rolls eyes
Daisy:Here's our Violet
Onslow: Oh dear trouble in paradise judging by their faces.
Rose: Our Violet looks like she is about errupt like a volcano.
Hyacinth:Oh dear lord I Hope that haven't been arguing.
Suddenly the mercedez pulled into the drive nearly running over Hyacinth and Daisy, Violet got out and slammed the door and scracted the door of the mercdez
with her nail.
Bruce: You stupid Woman what have you done that for
Violet: Get lost you loaf!
Bruce: loon!
Violet:Pillock!
Bruce:you have panda eyes
Violet: How Dare you!
Bruce:your mascara is running
Violet pulls out a tissue and wipes her eyes, and throws the tissue at bruce.
Hyacinth noticed that they were getting stares from the rest of the guests who were peering out of the window watching violet and Bruce.
Liz: Oh look its Hyacint's sister the one with the mercedez, Sauna
Emmet: And room for a Pony
(Both laugh)
Liz: Them two are always arguing
Emmet: I am suprise they havent appeared on Trisha yet?...
Hyacinth Grabs violet and Bruce and takes them to her back Garden.
Hyacinth: Look you two I wont have you arguing at Richards Birthday party do you understand me.
Bruce: She started it,
Violet: She has a name!
Hyacinth: What is all this about? Surely not over her dress Bruce?
Bruce: Well I wanted to wear it
Hyacinth(looking not amused) Violet you did give him his medication didnt you?
Violet:Yes I did
Bruce: I spat it out ha!
Violet:You Swine..
bruce:harridan!
violet:loaf!
bruce:panda eyes!
violet:cross-dresser!
Hyacinth: QUIET!!Look I suggest if you are going to spend the rest of the evening arguing together,I suggest
you both spend the evening apart and go and mix with other people. And bruce i suggest you
go and park the mercedez in the garage.
Violet and Bruce look at each other disgustdily before both storming off in seperate directions. Hyacinth suddenly spotted the Major
coming.
Hyacinth:Aww there you are major so nice for you to come
Major:Hello you little Minx...ooo i must say who is that fine lady in that black evening dress
Hyacinth: My sister violet,married to the turf accountant...Has a large house mercedez and sauna...Room for a pony.
Major: Your looking very nice Mrs bucket...Sorry Bouquet
Hyacinth rolls eyes
Hyacinth: Richard is inside...
Major cuts her off
Major: I wouldnt mind been aquainted with that sexy little thing inside
Hyacinth:Who Violet? She is married for heavens sake.
Hyacinth see's rose waving at the Major at the window and the major quickly disappears.
Hyacinth: Oh thats all i need,Rose and the Major.
Meanwhile back in the house, Hyacinth is glad everything is running smoothly,but isnt impressed with Bruce who appears
to be slightly drunk and tries making advances at the Vicar's wife.
Bruce: Well if i wasnt married to her...I wouldnt say no to you
Vicars wife: I dont think my husband would approve
The vicar's wife notices Rose is making advances at him.
Vicar's wife: Sorry I must go and speak to my husband
Rose: Well Vicar we meet again
Vicar (Laughs nevoursly)
Vicar's wife: Why do you always try and get your claws into my husband
Hyacinth is soon alarmed when things seem to be kicking off in the kitchen.
Hyacinth: What is going on!
Vicar's wife: Your leggy sister is coming onto my husband.
Hyacinth: Rose look there is emmet
Rose: Thanks Hyacinth
Rose immediately tries to drag emmet away, but luckily, Elizabeth manages to pull her away.
Just as Hyacinth was about to bring in Richard's birthday cake.Violet and Bruce were having a drunken almighty row in front of everybody.
Violet: Thats it call me a taxi Hyacinth, I am not staying here watching my idiot of a husband making advances to the Vicar's wife and
trying to chat up my own sister Daisy.
(Onslow looks horrified)
Onslow: You been chatting up my mrs Bruce?
Hyacinth:Everybody calm down
Richard:Happy Birhday Richard (under his breath sarcastically)
Onslow looks like he is ready to punch Bruce
Bruce: Well that Wife of mine has been trying it on with the Major
(Everyone Gasps)
Hyacinth: Violet is this
true?
Violet looks drunk and embarrsed
Onslow looks like he is ready to punch Bruce
Daisy: Calm down onslow, I gave him a piece of my mind, he is drunk.
Onslow: We have all had a few but do you see me making a pass at your Hyacinth
(Daisy and Onslow shrudder at the thought)
Violet: Nothing happended we were just flirting
Major: True
Violet:He commplemented me on my sexy figure unlike some
Bruce: Well that dress would look better on me then you...
(eveyone gaps)
Emmet wispers to liz:I always knew he was a bit of a weirdo, now it turns out he likes wearing woman's clothes
Elizabeth: I must say this is a rather entertaining Party,
Emmet:Especially with Hyacinth's family.
Violet: I Want a Divorce
Bruce: You keep saying that Woman
Violet: I mean it this time, i will move in with our Hyacinth
Hyacinth: What?
Bruce: What about the kids?
Violet: Amanda and William are 27 and 24, they are not Kids anymore they have their own house, you stupid fool.I Hate you.
Hyacinth notices violet is ready to throw one of her best plates and makes a dash for it, But its too late the
Plate narrowly misses Bruce's head and is smashed on the floor.
Hyacinth loses her temper with Violet
Hyacinth: VIOLET you have smashed one of my Royal Doulton...How could you
Bruce: I told you i had a crazy wife
Violet: Your the bloody crazy one dressing up in woman's clothes, making me looking like iam married to a transvestiate
Hyacinth: Well I hope you are satisified you two, you have ruined richard's birthday.
The Guests are making a quick exit apart from Daisy,Onslow and Rose who are all passed out on the Couch,Drunk.
Whilst Violet and Bruce are still rowing in the kitchen.
Violet: You have ruined richard's birthday you selfish Pig
Bruce: No you have!
Hyacinth really loses it, waking up Daisy and Onslow, Rose who quickly race to the kitchen and are stunned at Hyacinth losing her cool but not as stunned as Richard.
Hyacinth:SHUTUP...the pair of you.How selfish can you get? Ruining my best china and making all the guests leave..oh and richards birthday.If my Sheridan was here he would be appaulled by his Aunty and Uncle's behaviour.I am ashamed at both of you.I think its time you both tried Marriage counselling.And as for you Bruce iam getting rather tired of your desire to wear my Sisters clothing.
(Violet interupts)
Violet: i was thinking of sending him on The trinny and Susannah show what not wear.
( All laugh hysterically apart from Bruce)
Bruce:(sobs) She cut my flammingo dress into pieces this morning.
Violet: Because you look stupid in it you fool.
Hyacinth: Now look you two you have been together all these years...Yes you have had your ups and downs like everybody else. You have a huge house, Room for a Pony, a Sauna and a Mercedez.Dont throw it all away. Bruce you need to start taking your medication, and Violet when your angry you shouldnt throw your Sisters
Royal Doulton at Bruce's head.
Violet: Sorry !
onslow buts in
Onslow: Well i tell you what i am glad i didnt stay in and the watch the Tele...This is what i call proper entertainment.
Daisy: For a moment i thought we were in episode of coronation Street.
Violet: Sobs, Iam sorry Richard for ruinning your birthday
Bruce: Yes iam sorry Richard she ruined your birthday
Violet: WHAT?
Bruce: You started it
Violet: No you did Woman...
Hyacinth: Bruce zip it do not blame this all on my sister
Violet:Yes Mr Potatoe Head
Bruce: What did you just call me?
Hyacinth: Enough at Once...Look Violet i know Bruce can be a little strange but he is your husband and you cannot walk out on him and the Mercedez.
Bruce: Can i go for a lie down i dont feel to good.
Hyacinth: The spare bedroom is already made up for you...well if you are sharing together anyway,I take it noboddy will be on the couch.
Violet: Let me take him upstairs i will look after him
Bruce: Oh Violet dont leave me
Violet: I dont have any intention to leave you Bruce, we need to see a marriage councellor and maybe Trinny and Susannah, and possibly get half
of my clothes back from your wardrobe.
Later on that evening Hyacinth and Richard are clearing up in the kitchen.
Hyacinth: Iam sorry Richard, your birthday party was ruined by Violet and Bruce
Richard: Well i thought it was funny actually
Hyacinth doesnt look amused
Hyacinth: Did you hear that richard, sounds like somebody falling out of bed.
Richard and Hyacinth quickly raced upstairs to the spare bedroom to find Bruce and Violet arguing again, and Bruce making a bed
on the floor.
Bruce: She has kicked me out of the bed, looks like iam sleeping on the floor
Violet: i have every reason to kick you out of the bed, you snore like a Pig
Bruce: Well you sing the Ymca in your sleep.
Hyacinth: Some things never change, Bruce would you like to sleep on the couch.
Bruce: Thats very kind of you Hyacinth but i prefer sleeping on the floor, i usually sleep on the floor at home anyway after a row iam used to it.Hyacinth have you
got a teddy bear?
Hyacinth: Night Bruce.