Written post 9.8. My very vague and probably hopeless idea as to the missing 48 hours and maybe more if I can to keep going with it! Never done this before and pretty poor at writing and spelling. More of a numbers person really! Love spooks but only began watching series 5 so have no way near the depth of spooks knowledge that you guys have so please be understanding. Therefore really lacking in knowing the R and H moments before series 5 so may make a few things up if I feel like it. Hope that is ok! May have Harry as having never married in the first place so no divorce or kids etc but I suppose that depends if I can keep writing and developing the story! Dont own any of the characters or storyline.
He should have said more to her. A more tender goodbye. She deserved better than him just walking out even if she did now hate him for being a traitor. Lucas was sure to kill him and then it would at least be an end to the whole sorry business. If the same circumstances had presented themselves 1000 times over he would still have done the same thing. Traded Albany for Ruth.
As he drove through the streets to his certain death he searched his innermost conscience to see if he would be dying with a clean slate. And time and again he knew he was. Quite aside from his love for Ruth, he was sick of losing his officers and it wasn't as if Albany was going to cause any more deaths. An awkward time for the powers that be, sure, but nothing more than that. There would be more Albanys in the future that could be used as deterrents and all this would be forgotten. In time. But not in the time he had left on earth. That did hurt. The fact that his kindness would never be made known to the team. The fact that he would have done the same for any of them, though secretly he knew that it had been a little easier making the call owing to the fact that the life in question was so very dear to him. And he would go to his grave with her thinking he was a traitor, more interested with what he might have been able to get out of the relationship than in his duty to his country.
He slammed the stirring wheel hard. No two souls had loved each other so dearly, so respectfully and yet he had failed to bring about any happy conclusion for either of them. Admittedly there had been many moments when world events and other people had gotten in the way but there had also been so many others when had he been braver, more romantic, he might have given her the confidence to let him love her. He had asked her to marry him in the most unromantic of settings. He blushed at the memory of how he had totally messed up what should have been perfect. It was laughable that he had asked her to marry him having only been on one date that had taken place so many years ago. Poor Ruth, he should have romanced her more, shown her what joys there were to be found in a man and a woman loving one another. He reckoned she had experienced very little romance and happiness herself. The occasions when he had pushed her he had seen how terrified she had been of the emotions that he caused in her. He had never made the time to gradually help her become more confident in those feelings. Not to run away from them. And he felt it ought to have been him that had taken the lead. he was after all more experienced in relationships. Well, a little more. It wasnt in her nature to have done the chasing. She had been almost like a little girl in her contendeness just adoring him from her desk and never making any move. He smiled. It could be listed as one of the many things he adored in her. This new world of feminism was all very well he thought but it made some women rather bold and hard. Not Ruth. She was one of the most educated and capable people he knew but she wasnt arrogant about it. He wasnt sure if she even knew of half her qualities. She was shy and unpresumpsious. It had kept her kind and sweet and moral and allowed him to long to care for her, to protect her, to provide the environment she needed to be everything she could be. But this job they were both in had made a mockery of it all. It took all their time, their energy and their emotion to do the job well. And they were so alike in that. They wanted the job done well.
He had loved his job at first. He was single, free from all commitments and able to give the job all he had. This is what had given him the egde when it came to rising though the ranks and ending with the knighthood. But Ruths appearence had slowly melted a heart, that while still kind, had been boxed up and put on the shelf. As a result he had not noticed the loneliness creep in. he had never craved any particular company. That was until Juliet had asked him if he loved her. It had felt like a tonne of bricks come crashing down on him. The very bricks that had been there as such a good defence against getting hurt. And when she had said 'because she's in love with you' there was no going back. He had never thought of himself as loveable both from his apparent cold character and the fact he knew he wasnt God's gift. He was also 'getting on'. And yet, here he was being told that this lovely bright young thing with all the attributes any sane man would look for in a companion had seen through that brick wall. And what she had seen she had fallen in love with. 'She's in love with you Harry'. Over the next few days those words had caused wave upon wvae of happiness. He had realised how lacking in confidence he had become when it came to the opposite sex but now he felt so boyant he hardling knew where to look or how to act.
He considered ringing her phone, telling her Albany was a fake, telling her that he loved her and trying to end things with her on a good note. But he was nearly at the building Lucas had instructed him to come to and it would take quite some conversation to get himself out of the jam he was in. He pulled the car up, took a deep breath and got out.
At the Grid
He had walked out of the office. There was calmness and determination in the way he moved and that would be the last memory she would have of him. There was no backward glance. No final look. She racked her brains as to when they had shared their last 'look'. Panic set in as she found she couldn't picture it. Their last conversation certainly wasn't one of their best. Mind you that wasn't her fault. He was a traitor. How dare he expect to be treated in any other way? Anger rose within her at the thought of his treachery. She thought she knew him like no other and yet now it seemed she didn't. Well he deserved everything that was coming to him. But oh how she was going to be the one left hurting. She began to picture all the places she wouldn't now see him. At his desk, around the boardroom table. Tears flowed down her cheeks. Love and hatred poured out of her heart in a way she had never let them before. The feelings were so intense that she didn't care how many people saw. There was no controlling these sorts of emotions. If harry had been there she would have hit him so hard. How could he have done this? It was bad enough that he was everything she loved. Now in his parting gesture he had also become everything she hated.
It may have seemed kind to save her life but to do it at the expense of so many other lives. 'Oh Harry how could you have done such a thing?' she sobbed out loud. Her breathing was becoming more and more laboured as hysterics took control. At any moment he may be drawing his last breath and she wasn't there to comfort him. She kept trying to hate him and yet try as she might all she could think of was the way he had always been with her. Kind, generous, respectful. Never had he pushed his luck. Twice she had rejected him and each time he had taken it with understanding. He had never put any pressure on her to change her mind. Other men would not have behaved so well. Why had she never been able to give him the signs he needed that his advances were so wanted. She had never had much luck with men and she felt awkward about being such a novice at love. She had never felt attractive to the opposite sex. In fact she felt totally the opposite but in his presence she felt she was attractive. The way his eyes took in the whole of her, her character, her intellect and her body. She had grown in confidence under his direction. And very quickly she had come to the conclusions that the intense joy she felt at seeing him was love. And it had all been so wonderful and secret and not threatening in any way. Just her little secret. Till one day he had asked her out and suddenly panic had filled her. She had fantasised about it for so long and then when it came it had been a total shock. Never in her wildest dreams had she really thought that a man of Harry's standing would a) notice and b) be attracted to someone like her.
He had taken her off guard, she had said yes but all the time she was screaming inside that she couldn't manage with this level of emotion. He had asked her out to dinner and all she wanted to do was cry. But she had held her nerve and it was all she had ever wanted. He hadn't kissed her when he walked her home. Or even tried to. She wasn't sure how disappointed or relieved she had been about this. The gentleman in him that had not kissed her was what she loved about him. It made her feel so safe with him. And yet she also knew that he would need to be braver about making the first move otherwise nothing would ever happen. Her thoughts drifted off to how she had longed for him to kiss her in the quiet darkness by her front door. to feel his arms hold her. It would have been in such a chaste way that he would have held her. This was Harry after all. and If that first kiss had happened and if she hadnt then said no to any more dates then the kisses may have become more frequent and he may have started holding her closer to him. He may have started kissing her for longer before he said goodnight. He might have one day asked her to become his Mrs Pearce.
She came back from the day dream with a start. But he is a traitor, or maybe now it was, he was a traitor. And how could she have fallen for his charm. Seeing her slowly lose control of herself Beth stepped forward
'It's been a long day Ruth, I am taking you home' it was kindly said but firm and Ruth picked up her bag. If only harry had spoken to her like this she might have said yes to him taking her home. His gentleness and kindness in letting her do what she wanted had alwasy allowed her to back out of situations that she had secretly longed for.
'I just need to put these papers in his office' she said as she put on her coat and picked up the papers that were sitting on her desk, complete and awaiting Harry's approval.
'I am not sure you need to bother Ruth' said Beth
Ruth looked at her and tears fell down her cheeks again 'I need to Beth'
In a daze of fear and sadness she walked over to the office and pulled open the door. Not needing to knock because of his absence hurt, not needing to say hello hurt. She placed the papers on the desk and made sure they were neat, just the way he liked them. A few pens lay strewn about and knowing he liked the desk left tidy she picked them up and opened up the draw to put them away for him. It seemed a hopeless thing to be doing and she half hated herself for still wanting to be kind to him. She had never been in this draw before but it was obvious where the pens went and she placed them in position. A part of a photograph stuck out from under the plastic tray that housed the pens. Curiosity got the better of her and the fact that he was probably already dead made her braver so she pulled it out. It was of herself and him. It had been taken in the George in happier times. She couldn't quite remember who had been snapping away but somebody had and in a moment he had put his arm round her, pulled her close so that the two of them could be taken. Before she even knew it was happening it was over but somehow he had later managed to get hold of a copy. And here it was sitting in his desk. She had no such memento of the fact they had known each other. She looked towards the door and with no Beth in site she deftly slipped the photo into her bag. There would be an enquiry and the last thing either of them would want was such a picture being found. The powers that be would be on the hunt for any evidence of why it had been her in particular that had led to Harry's treason. She didn't want them coming to any sordid conclusions about the two of them and in years to come she would be grateful that such evidence existed showing that Harry's and her life had, for a time, run parallel to each other.
She walked out of the office holding extra tight to her bag as if the most precious thing she owned was now in her possession.
'You ok?' Beth asked as she approached
A quick 'yep' and a look that said please don't talk to me I just want to get home was the only reply Beth was going to get so they walked side by side to the car park and Beth drove her home whilst Ruth gazed sadly out of the window. Her thoughts drfited back to the proposal daydreams she had had before her untimely 'death'. During the long years in Cypres she could never have imagined that firstly they would meet each other again and secondly that he would have proposed. But what a proposal! It had taken her completely off guard and for once she didnt blame herself. Fancy asking me that after what? One date that had been 5 years ago and a good foot sperated us the whole evening! Ok there had been the dockside kiss but his proposal really had come out of the blue. She needed dating, she needed her ice cold heart to be coaxed out of its current state. Yes his timing had sucked. and yet she still thrilled at the thought that someone had loved and admired her enough to want to spend the rest of their life with her. Had she been more forthright, more confident with him and her feeling s for him she would have told him staright that he needed to romance her, to sweep her off her feet, to date her, to kiss her, to give her an idea as to what married life with him might be like. No she didnt want to be jumping into bed with him. she was old fashined in that sense and knew that could wait till a wedding ring was on her finger, but all the rest... yes she had wanted the all the rest before that longed for question. Dear Harry. He really had got that one wrong. How could he think that 'Marry me Ruth' was ok to say on the back of next to no dating or relationship.
And then she hadnt known how to say to him (when she was calmer) how the answer was going to be yes but not before he had thouroughly romanced her. If she had been more confident it could have been awfully romantic saying yes but with those conditions. If only she could have been better at flirting with him. they could have laughed together about it, she could have teased him about his clumsy proposal and he would have taken it so well, all the while coming up with a proposal that would knock the socks off any other proposal that had ever been made.
The street lights passed by a blurred way as the car progressed through the empty London streets. The emotions and the remaining drugs in her system from her capture were causing huge waves of tiredness to wash over her so as soon as the car drew up she got out, headed straight up stairs, collapsed on her little single bed and before she knew it she was in a deep sleep.