Lexa loved to read, she often came across books from the Old World in her travels. Her favorite book however, was Clarke's journal. She knew it was wrong to invade Clarke's space like that but she couldn't help it. Clarke wrote such wonderful things, it simply captivated Lexa. The way Clarke talked about Lexa was more than flattering to the Commander, she wished for these sentiments come out of Clarke's mouth, instead of her pen.
Lexa remembered the day she had surprised Clarke with the Paper and several pens and other writing implements. She had thought that Clarke would use them for drawing, they were more portable than her large sketch pad. Clarke's eyes had lit up with excitement when Lexa showed her the gift. A small smile graced Lexa's lips at the memory. Clarke was an infinite source of joy for the Heda, though she would never admit it aloud. Clarke was special and she found it hard to deny the Sky Princess anything. Clarke had requested these items and Lexa did not disappoint. The smile of pure delight on Clarke's face was more than enough reward for the trouble the brunette had gone through.
When Lexa first discovered Clarke's talent for writing, it had been about a month since Clarke had received the notebook and it was rarely out of her sight. That day however, it had been left on the war table after one of the many meetings they had delegated between the thirteen clans. It caught Lexa's attention when she started to pack away the maps littering the table. The book had fallen off the table when Lexa had picked up a map that had been underneath it. When she went to retrieve it she noticed that on the open page was, not a drawing, but writing. She had picked it up with the intent on closing it and swiftly returning it to the blonde, but her curiosity won out. Elegant cursive flowed across the page and Lexa found it to be as enticing as the blonde whom it belonged to.
As Lexa scanned the page she saw her name several times and couldn't stop herself from reading it. I should be paying attention to these meetings, but every time I look up I am distracted by forest green eyes and braided brunette hair… Lexa. Her gaze is powerful as she handles whatever problems are being thrown at her by the clan leaders. I could lose myself in that gaze, although I would prefer encountering it in the throes of passion. I know I told her I wasn't ready, but every time another person looks at her I feel the coiling of jealousy deep inside me. She is so smart, I love every interaction with her. Even now, as she is quite fittingly commanding twelve of the most powerful clan leaders, I see the passion burning in her eyes and I yearn for that gaze to be pinned on me. Even her name…Lexa, it brings tingles to my spine. Lexa gulped and closed the book quickly, she had no idea that Clarke felt these things.
"Lexa," Clarke's voice rang out from the front of the tent, "Oh, there it is. I can't believe I forgot it." Clarke stepped forward and held her hand out for the journal that was still in Lexa's hand.
"Oh, umm. Yeah I was just getting ready to bring it to you," Lexa's ears turned red as she handed the book over.
Ever since that incident Lexa found herself sneaking peaks at what the blonde was writing and when she got the chance she would actually read entries in their entirety. Now that they were in Polis, it was much easier for her to get her hands on the journal. Lexa often waited until Clarke retired for the night and then snuck in to read what she had been writing about that day. When Lexa had read all of the new entries she would sit and watch the blonde sleep and wonder about what it would be like to be called hers.
As powerful a warrior that Lexa was, she was very fearful of the things she felt toward the Sky Princess. Ever since what happened to Costia, she was apprehensive of any relationship. Love is weakness, it had been drilled into her head since becoming Commander. Lexa was stubborn though and she yearned to be wanted by another. Yet when she looked at Clarke she felt panicked and wanted to run the other way.
Thinking back to the last entry she read, Lexa wondered if she should try to let the blonde know that her feelings were not one sided. Clarke's words seemed sad; I wonder if she even knows I exist. I find myself staring at her and feel a sense of pride before I am reminded that she is not mine. Ever since the kiss she allowed before the fall of Mount Weather, I may as well have been invisible to her. I know I said I wasn't ready, but there was a battle before us and Finn's death behind me. How was I supposed to know that she would close herself off, to everyone it seems. I overheard Indra mention to Octavia that Heda had been unreasonably cold toward some of her warriors as of late. I didn't want to hurt Lexa, I think I may love her. Not that it matters, she probably doesn't want anything to do with me now. I wish I had let her take that kiss further, I feel things for her that are embedded deep within my soul. I guess I will never know the feel of her hand resting in mine, the taste of her lips, the way she looks in the morning sun when she first wakes up, or how beautiful she looks after making love, or how passionate she is in bed (although, I imagine that it is much like the passion she displays in battle). I hope one day she realizes how deeply I care for her.
After watching Clarke sleep for a while longer Lexa decided that she would most definitely have to do something to show Clarke how she felt.