Title: "Thanks for coming"
Category: Drama (I guess)
Rated: PG-13, bordering on R
Characters: Spike, Willow and Tara
Continuity: Somewhere early to mid S6 (which I haven't seen yet; picks up a point I left dangling in "have faith in me")
Summary: Willow invites Spike over for movies, munchies and ... something else
Disclaimer: all hail Joss
If anyone had bothered to check, they would have seen the same thick, dark clouds hanging over Sunnydale that had been there for the better part of the week. Of course, no one needed any kind of reminding that they were being soaked. The weathermen were ecstatic, this was going to be the wettest month in over 100 years. But other then them it was gloom all 'round. Anya was so depressed she had barely said a thing since the rain started (much to the relief of certain parties). Dawn had read and reread all her magazines. When she got bored, she read them back to front while hanging upside down over the edge of her bed. Then she slipped and bumped her head. Which convinced her that is was time to brave the wetness and get new ones. Xander had been all "Me big man, no fear puny drops from sky" at first but a bad case of the sniffles made him switch to "Me need ex-demon to pamper me".
Spike? Spike was having a blast. Complete cloud cover, to him that was go out WITHOUT the bloody blanket. Of course, other vampires ventured outside soon enough which in turn meant extra slayage for Buffy. Her mood hit rock bottom in no time. Vampires, she could handle those but none of her fighting outfits kept her dry and she could hardly be expected to fight with an umbrella in one hand. This left Spike with lots of time and no one to share it with. But his luck had not yet run out because what was he holding in his hand ... an invitation to a night of non stop movies at the witches' place. Well, the note was only signed by Willow (with the smiley face over the i), but he figured Tara'd be there aswell. Those two had been permanently glued together. For the past few weeks they'd been utterly depressed, always with their noses stuck in some book or scroll. But two days ago they'd been all lovey dovey again, merrily skipping through the green meadows of Sunnydale (well, the dark grey tiles of the mall). Spike attributed their behaviour to them being witches, witches were weird, and the lesbian thing, lesbians were weird to. Hell, GIRLS were weird, except for Dru, she was utterly insane, but not weird. Oh right, Dru bad now. Why on earth the witches wanted him around was beyond him, but hey, was he gonna say no to movies, beer and munchies. Spike checked the flowers he had brought along, they didn't look like he swiped them from three different front yards. He was about to knock when he paused. He was hardly ever around any humans without Buffy or Dawn nearby. Oh fuck it, he was Spike, they'd have to adjust to him. Before he managed to complete his rendition of the I'm-a-vampire-with-a-short-fuse-so-hurry-up-and-let-me-in overture, the door got yanked open to reveal a completely bewildered Willow.
"Oh" she punctuated her little scream with an equally little jump "Spike, it's you."
"Yeah," he smiled at her "you have so many undead over, it's hard to keep track of who's who."
"Ha! You're funny" she said with a smile that Spike thought anatomically impossible.
Not having any topic of conversation beyond monsters, fiends and Dawn, they both just stood there.
There had better be lots of beer, Spike thought. Then he remembered the flowers. He thrust them forward "Here, weeds." he declared.
"Ow, thank you, these are so nice" she headed for the kitchenette "There's this cute little garden at the end of the street that has exactly the same kind."
"Not no more" Spike murmured, then he called after Willow "Hey Red, we're gonna watch movies in the hall?"
She gave him a nervous smile. She waved her arms about in a grand gesture asif she was casting some complicated spell "I invite you in". Well, the result was magical enough. Before, when he was bad ... more so than now anyway, he used to love this, still did in fact. Humans with their blood and their breathing and their heartbeats, inviting a vicious predator into their most intimate of places, where they ate, slept, fucked.
He beheld the scene. The cupboard in the back immediately caught his eye, or rather, his nose. A hodgepodge of scents emanated from it. That must be where they kept all there magic supplies. There were plenty of flasks, pots and bowls strewn about, like they had been doing a spell barely minutes ago. There was no sign of Tara, though her smell was still thick in the air. Maybe she was nervous about him being here and had rushed out when he was due. Anyway, there was an impressive collection of munchies on the table along with a not so impressive stack of beers. BUT, there was a bottle of whiskey and something else. He checked the label. Absolut, Swedish vodka, not his favourite, but he wasn't complaining. Next he rifled through the stack of videos. Man, the witches had tons of videos, or they had raided their friend's collections. He instantly discarded any horror flicks, he wasn't in the mood for slapstick. SF went on the maybe pile as did action. Ooh, Se7en, nice one, very funny. He just got the part of the stack that, judging by the handwriting, had been pilfered from Giles when Willow came back. Hang on, wasn't she more covered up a minute ago? Well, it was pretty warm in here.
"Here you go" she put a mug of blood on the table, then she bowed her head "I don't think it's O neg."
Spike was to excited about the offer of blood to complain about the type "I was planning on mixing it with the vodka anyway."
Some two hours later, Spike was laughing his head off at the ending of Se7en. He reached for his mug of blood, only to find it empty.
"Here, let me get that," Willow spoke for the first time since the start of the movie "I'll get you a refill."
Once more alone, Spike finally realised there still was no Tara. "Hey, Red! Where's your lovergirl?"
"Oh, ermmm, She's gone to her family for the evening" came Willow's voice from the kitchenette.
Ah, that explains things, Red was lonely and ... hang on, Tara still has family she talks to? Whatever.
Willow was back with a fresh mug of blood. Spike accepted it and proceeded to mix it with what was left of the vodka. Before he could say anything, Willow practically screamed "my choice now!" and slammed a video in the machine.
Spike didn't recognise the movie. The utter absence of a good plot bothered him, as did Willows constant shifting. After some 20 minutes, things took a turn. All of a sudden there were naked people on screen. Willow was in to this kind of stuff? He wanted to mix some more vodka in with his blood but the bottle was empty. Red was drinking vodka now? After another 10 minutes of naked people on screen doing 'stuff'. Willow started leaning against him, one hand hesitantly playing across his chest, occasionally resting on his thighs. Soon enough, little Spike was rising to the occasion. Spike's mind drifted, there were images of Willow naked, Willow all hot and bothered, Willow doing 'stuff'. But there was also Buffy, looking stern. Humans! With their sexual exclusivity! Anyway, he hadn't come here to fuck Red.
"Will," he said, turning towards her "what are you up ..."
He was greeted by two magnificent pink breasts, rock hard nipples pointing straight at him. He had to stop himself from reaching for all this warm softness.
He shook his head a little "Willow, what on earth is going on here. I'm damn sure Slayer don't like me shagging you."
"But Spike, I want you" she peered at him through her eyelashes "I need your cold hard manhood inside of me!"
That sounded weird "You learned that by heart didn't you"
Willow studied her fingernails "Nooooo."
"As in yes?"
She nodded.
He wasn't entirely sure but ... he raised his voice some "And what is Tara doing in the bathroom all this time?"
He was answered by a slight squeak from the bathroom door. A blushing Tara appeared looking everywhere except at him.
"This some kind of experiment?" Spike asked "'I'll show you what it's like, being with a man'" he said in a high voice.
"No, it's not that. It's ..." Willow looked at Tara for support.
Tara looked straight at him, "We need your sperm."
OK, he was ready for just about anything, but this?
Spike drew in a breath couldn't think of anything and let it go.
It took him nearly a full minute to finally speak.
"Why? Why would you ..." something was seriously distracting him "Willow?"
"Yes Spike?" She said, still not looking at him.
"Cover up"
"Oh" She dove into her shirt at record speed, ending up with the damn thing back-to-front.
"Why would you want the dead sperm of an equally dead cold body?"
The witches studied each other, both knowing what needed to be said, neither wanting to actually say it.
Willow braved Spike's piercing stare "We want to get pregnant".
"eh?" was all Spike could produce.
"Not 'we'" Tara corrected "'Her', 'she'" she pointed at Willow.
Tara went on to explain "We've found this spell. Get sperm, kill the resident DNA, infuse it with new DNA and pregnant."
Willow took over "We figured, we'd use your sperm, since it's dead anyway, we could skip the first phase."
Silence.
"Mad at us?" Willow tried.
Silence.
Then Spike spoke up "Look, this spell ... will it work ... if I just hand you a sample?"
Willow looked at Tara, Tara nodded.
"And you won't come to me for money and I'll never have to baby-sit the damn thing?"
Willow shook her head.
"Fine" he sighed "how do you want it?"
Tara headed over to the magic cabinet and got a small jar. Spike took it, studied it for a moment then headed off into the bathroom muttering "I can NOT believe I'm doing this."
While they waited for spermboy to reemerge, the witches talked about the prospect of finally getting pregnant. By the time Spike appeared, they were pretty exited.
Spike handed the jar to Tara who snatched it from his hand and rushed over to the cabinet where she started doing all kind of things you won't find in the average cookbook. This left Willow to get rid of the now redundant Spike.
Spike nodded at the bathroom and sheepishly said "I think I spilled some of my cold seed." Adding 'stupid tiny jar' under his breath.
Willow caressed his arm "I'll clean it up". She walked him to the door. More awkwardness followed.
"Thanks for the vodka ... and the blood" Man, he had to get out of here.
"Thanks for coming" Willow said, giving him a big ol' hug.
Spike hurried away.
He heard the door close and lock behind him. He turned to the wall and smashed his head into it at full force. Reeling from the blow, he said "Spike, you're an arse! You could have shagged red senseless ...". Stupid morals, bloody witches, damn Buffy with her bloody stupid no-fucking-my-friends rules.
fast forward 4 months.
"... and that's the spine, see?" the gynecologist said, pointing at the ultrasound screen.
Willow smiled at the screen, then she smiled at Tara, then at the gyne, if there had been a big ugly slimedemon present, she would have smiled at that too.
"Want to know the gender?" the gyne interrupted the smileathon.
The two witches shared a look. With two mothers and no father, Lily, as the work-in-progress was temporarily called, could only be a girl. But if the gyne wanted to do the cool I-can-already-tell thing ...
"Sure, surprise us." Tara said.
"Well, this and this" she pointed at the screen "are the testicles. It's a boy!" miss stating-the-obvious said.
Tara nearly fainted, Willow forgot to breathe for almost a minute.
"Aw," the gyne cocked her head "you wanted a girl."
"Nono" Willow said hurriedly "a boy is fine ... good I mean, a boy is good. Hehe. All boys are good."
"Not that we have much need for any ... boys that is." Tara returned from the land of the nearly unconscious.
"No" Willow added "but, hurray, check it out, we're going to have a son."
She looked at her love and mouthed 'aaaaaargh'.
---
Buffy was enjoying a nice cold mineral water, secretly smiling at Giles's slight limp. She had been a bit hard on him, but hey, he keeps insisting on these sparring matches. Xander, being in need of transportation, was quietly flicking through one of Giles's more illustrated books.
The tiny bells above the door announced Willows entry.
Xander looked up from his read "Hey Will, everything ok with junior?"
Willow ignored him, heading straight for the nearest empty chair, panting all the while.
"OhGodOhGodOhGod" was all she said.
Xander gave Buffy a worried look. Buffy took the cue "What's the matter Will?"
She kept panting "I'm pregnant!"
"Yeeeees" Xander said "We kind of already knew that. With the eating of the tiny breakfast and the throwing up of said breakfast ..."
"And the buying of the small clothes ..." Buffy added.
Back to Xander with "And let's not forget the bloating of the belly."
"Nono, you don't understand" Willow gasped "It's a ..."
"Good God, it's not a demon spawn is it?" Giles said.
"No it's a ..." desperate look on her face "BOY!"
"Oh" Buffy put on her most understanding face "and you already bought itty bitty dresses."
"Don't you see?" Willow trust forwards her hands asif she wanted to wring the truth from the air itself "This means Spike's the father."
Stunned looks all 'round.
Then, displaying his supernatural ability for lousy timing, Spike marched in the shop.
"Hey luv, everyone" He only got a fist in the face for his greeting.
"Not now, I don't like it with all that lot around." He said rubbing his nose.
A second fist in the face told him Buffy wasn't flirting.
"Hey!" another blow "What's the problem?"
Buffy interrupted her assault to say "You are the problem."
"Me? What did I do?"
"Fuck Willow"
Spike managed to duck under the next blow "WHAT? What are you smoking?!?!"
"You got her pregnant, you pig!" punctuating the pig part with a knee to the groin.
Standing over the fallen vampire, she was interrupted by Giles.
"Erm, Buffy, aren't we forgetting something? Vampires ..."
"... shoot blanks." Buffy completed the sentence "What gives Willow".
"Weeeeell" Willow wrung her hands.
"You told em?" Spike crawled to his feet "Last time I do you a favour!"
"Hooooold it" Buffy jumped between the two of em.
"Spike, sit. Willow ... continue to sit. Good, now explain."
Willow gathered her courage, huffed and puffed a few times. Then she told them everything. The video night, the loads and loads of vodka, the almost sex, the sperm and finally the spell.
When she was finished, there were blank stares.
Giles was the first to regain his composure "So that's where my videos went."
"Sorry" Willow said.
Xander was next "I still don't get it, it's a boy so Spikes the father???"
Not really in the explaining mood, Giles exerted himself never the less "Willow and Tara don't have a Y gene between them, right? Spike does. So if Willows child is a boy, then Spike must be the father."
Xander shook his head "X ... Y ... I never was much for algebra."
"That still leave the question, why wasn't Spike shooting blanks?" Buffy said.
"Erm, Willow, what spell exactly did you use?" Giles asked.
"I don't really remember. We found it in the Kama Sutra volume 1"
"Kama sutra volume 1?" Xander's intrest was spiked.
Giles was now completely in obscure knowledge mode "Yes, The one that you, no doubt, have at home is actually volume 2, The boring stuff. Volume 1 was all about magical love, love potions, fertility spells, instant abortions. Willow, I think I know the one you're talking about. You did know that was some powerful magic you were dealing with? Are you sure you did it right?"
"Yes" she proclaimed, cheerfully for the first time since entering the room "Well, maybe."
"Take us through it step by step. So, you got the sperm."
Spike cringed at his seed being the subject of an academic discussion.
"Yes, we got the sperm in the appropriately blessed jar."
"Good."
"Then Tara pricked her finger, drew blood and infused the sperm with her essence. She ..."
"Wait wait, when did you purge his DNA?"
Willow looked at Giles a bit worried "We skipped that part, his seed is dead anyway right."
"Yes, quite dead ... but when Tara infused her DNA. I .. I .. I think she activated his DNA in the process. Powerful magic remember. So, her DNA only partly settled in the cells, the other parts being taken up by his DNA."
"Well, as far out, wild guesses go, this one is pretty far out and wild" Xander said.
"Yeah, we really should look for some kind of proof" Buffy said.
"Yes, proof is good, we could do a spell" Willow said hopefully, she didn't really know what she was hopefull for.
"No, Willow, I mean, I wouldn't know which one. Tell you what. There's a watcher, a doctor, he has access to a lab in LA. Owes me one."
"Okay, I guess" Willow said while holding the slight bulge that betrayed her condition.
"You ok?" Buffy asked her.
"Yes, fine."
"Don't lie to me Will"
"I'm scared. What if my child is some kind of freak? Oh Buffy, what did I do?"
"You did it out of love for Tara, right?"
Willow nodded "I love her, Buffy. More then anything, more then I ever loved Oz or Xander".
"We'll soon know what's what and then you can get right back to the loving of your unborn."
"But, what if ..."
Buffy shushed her, placed her hand on Willow's belly "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
"As for you" Giles bellowed at Spike while he emerged from amongst the shelves with a huge stack of books. "You'll be needing to read these" and he dumped the stack in Spike's arms.
"What the fuck ..." To his horror, Spike saw a smiling young woman holding a blaring kid on the front-page of the first book. "You have GOT to be kidding me."
But Giles wasn't to be swayed "Right, off with you then." and he shoved the desperate vampire towards the door.
Spike was to overwhelmed to put up a fight. As he passed his love and her friend, he couldn't stop himself from staring at the witch's belly. A shudder ran across his spine as his head filled with images of diapers and stacks of laundry and cheerful colors wrecking havoc on the ambience of his crypt. No good deed ever goes unpunished.
---
Never, in his 200 years of roaming the earth, spreading death and destruction, killing, maiming, raping and generally having a blast, did he ever think he would, in his wildest, drunkest, darkest dreams, hear himself utter the words "You're not getting any more of my sperm!"
And yet, here he was, summoned to the witches den by means of a note (WITHOUT the smiley faces over the i's this time). And those words exactly were his conversation opener.
He stormed into their livingroom, shoving Tara aside and going around Willow. Damn! We're avoiding the pregnant women now, Spike? What kind of demon are you!
He stood there, fuming, he trust his finger out to Willow and shouted "I'm not giving any money eighter! I didn't want this!"
He flopped into the couch and was back up 2 seconds later.
"Word has gotten out, you know. Did wonders for my rep. 'There goes William the babysitter' they say. ME! 'The babysitter'" he drew quotes in the air "not The Bloody anymore, no, The Babysitter, the bleeding babysitter. Oh sure, that'll strike fear into the hearts of vampires and demons alike ... NOT!" and he was back in the couch again.
"Spike ..." Willow sat down next to him.
When he saw that huge belly within inches of his body he bolted out of the couch again.
"You know, I did the right thing for once. Didn't even shag you! Your loss by the way."
"You'd think slayergirl would give me credit for that, the not fucking the brains out of her friends part." God his head was pounding, he'd felt like this before but never without the rapid consumption of several bottles of whiskey.
"And I helped you" he took an heroic pose "I, the mass murdering bastard, helped you, the human".
"And what do I get for my troubles?" he threw his arms up.
"Ohoh" Willow made little bounces on the couch.
"What is it?" Tara rushed over.
"He kicked!"
"You sure?"
"Definitely, it was very faint but I definitely felt it."
"Can I feel?"
Willow made a pouty face "He's stopped now."
"Hellooooo" Spike was waving his arms about wildly "I'm having an indignant rant here."
"Spike" A suddenly forceful Willow exclaimed. She got up and marched over to the undead. Grabbing his arm, she said "let's sit". Spike was too taken aback by the confident woman and the mushy belly pressing against him to offer resistance.
"Okay, Spike, we're really, really love what you did for us." Willow started
"And you won't have to baby-sit." Tara, who had sat herself down on Spike's other side, said. She added "well, unless you want to".
At this point Spike still had the willpower to produce a mocking "puh".
"And we can pay our own way" Willow continued, she placed her hand on his chest "and I'm SURE the sex would have been great".
Spike felt a little happy coming up.
"Now," Willow straightened herself "Giles's doctor/watcher buddy called with the results. Half the DNA is mine."
"And at least part of the other half is mine" Tara proudly stated.
"And there's nothing unnatural about the rest of it, well, apart from it being there."
"So, it's gonna be a healthy child" Tara beamed.
Spike was beginning to feel dizzy from the two sided assault.
Tara winked at Willow, Willow nodded. The last phase of their plan was about be unleashed on poor Spike. They knew no mercy.
Tara leaned closer "Spike ..."
Willow followed suit "the reason we got you over here ..."
Spike sank deeper into the couch.
Tara was had her leg over his, her hand trailing circles on his chest "we want to ask your permission."
Willow pressed herself against him "we want to call him William."
"Yes, William" Tara rested her head on his shoulder.
Surrounded by warm and soft breasts and thighs and a pregnant belly, hands running all over his body (he could swear there were more than 2 pair of them) Spike desperately wished he could melt into the couch. There was no way out, he tried to push the two witches away but found himself lacking the strength.
Then he let out a girlie "AH!". Something had just tapped the palm of his hand, the palm of his hand that was resting on ... Willow's ... BELLY! AAAARGH, now even his unborn son was attacking him!
He cleared his throat, trying to summon a deep manly voice but the result was a whimpering "Alright."
Suddenly, all the warm softness was withdrawn and he was free again. Willow smiled at Tara, he had had no chance whatsoever.
Spike shook his head trying to get his bearings. Tara was gone now, kitchenette probably. Willow was still here.
"You felt it didn't you?"
Spike nodded.
"Look Spike, we want you to be a part of this."
His cockiness making a guest appearance "And what makes you think I want to."
That hadn't been the plan, Spike was supposed to still be mush at this time. Willow had to improvise. She desperately went looking for a way to regain control. She remembered feeling something hard in his coat earlier. Not his flask, he kept that in his other inside pocket. She reached into his coat and pulled out 'the pocket guide to pregnancy'. A tiny smile crept across her face, she'd been right.
"What about this then"
The book was slightly worn, he had been reading it, there was no denying it. "Okay, okay, I'll admit, this whole thing is ... odd. Odd enough to read the damn book."
Odd? Oh well, at least he hadn't said weird. 'Odd' would do for now.
"We'd like you to be the Godfather."
"Don't you think that's kind of ... utterly insane?"
"Hey!" instantly sorry to have yelled at him "It's the child of 2 lesbian witches and a vampire conceived through the use of ancient magic, utterly insane is the norm here."
Spike sighed "I'll think about it, right?"
Before Willow could turn on the charm, Spike was out of the couch. She had pushed him enough for now, she'd give him some time to process today's input. Tara rejoined them dragging along a hefty bag which she handed to Spike. Blood, Spike was pleased to see. There probably was some cosmic rule that said that in this case the vampire and the witches should experience a moment of awkward silence. To Spike, the silence was filled with air rushing in and out of lungs en hearts beating. Two strong regular heartbeats and ... he had to strain to make it out ... a third heartbeat? Very faint, very fast.
"Right, I'm off then"
Tara simply said bye but Willow accompanied him into the hall.
Willow gave him a quick peck on the cheek and said "You know, sometimes, you're really sweet."
It was only fitting that a conversation that had started with an inconceivable sentence should end with an even weirder one.
Me? Sweet?
It was yet another thing to haunt him all the way back to his crypt. Thoughts, images of all kinds kept racing through his head, Willow, pregnant, Tara, him, children, being a ... father??? And there was Buffy and the sex with the slayer and for the first time since Dru had turned him ... the concept that sex had something to do with babies.
Buffy. Willow. Sex. Tara. Pregnant. Little William.
Buffy. Willow. Sex. Pregnant. Little William.
Buffy. Willow. Sex. Pregnant.
Buffy. Sex. Pregnant.
Buffy. Pregnant.
Hang on, Buffy pregnant? He stopped dead in his tracks. Considered his discovery. Then he violently shook his head to erase any trace of the thought.
He spent the rest of his way back humming Sex Pistols' songs.
But one thing refused to leave him be. Always present in the back of his head, in a tiny nook of his brain, buried under the memories of two centuries of random violence, the faint heartbeat of little William refused to die out.
Category: Drama (I guess)
Rated: PG-13, bordering on R
Characters: Spike, Willow and Tara
Continuity: Somewhere early to mid S6 (which I haven't seen yet; picks up a point I left dangling in "have faith in me")
Summary: Willow invites Spike over for movies, munchies and ... something else
Disclaimer: all hail Joss
If anyone had bothered to check, they would have seen the same thick, dark clouds hanging over Sunnydale that had been there for the better part of the week. Of course, no one needed any kind of reminding that they were being soaked. The weathermen were ecstatic, this was going to be the wettest month in over 100 years. But other then them it was gloom all 'round. Anya was so depressed she had barely said a thing since the rain started (much to the relief of certain parties). Dawn had read and reread all her magazines. When she got bored, she read them back to front while hanging upside down over the edge of her bed. Then she slipped and bumped her head. Which convinced her that is was time to brave the wetness and get new ones. Xander had been all "Me big man, no fear puny drops from sky" at first but a bad case of the sniffles made him switch to "Me need ex-demon to pamper me".
Spike? Spike was having a blast. Complete cloud cover, to him that was go out WITHOUT the bloody blanket. Of course, other vampires ventured outside soon enough which in turn meant extra slayage for Buffy. Her mood hit rock bottom in no time. Vampires, she could handle those but none of her fighting outfits kept her dry and she could hardly be expected to fight with an umbrella in one hand. This left Spike with lots of time and no one to share it with. But his luck had not yet run out because what was he holding in his hand ... an invitation to a night of non stop movies at the witches' place. Well, the note was only signed by Willow (with the smiley face over the i), but he figured Tara'd be there aswell. Those two had been permanently glued together. For the past few weeks they'd been utterly depressed, always with their noses stuck in some book or scroll. But two days ago they'd been all lovey dovey again, merrily skipping through the green meadows of Sunnydale (well, the dark grey tiles of the mall). Spike attributed their behaviour to them being witches, witches were weird, and the lesbian thing, lesbians were weird to. Hell, GIRLS were weird, except for Dru, she was utterly insane, but not weird. Oh right, Dru bad now. Why on earth the witches wanted him around was beyond him, but hey, was he gonna say no to movies, beer and munchies. Spike checked the flowers he had brought along, they didn't look like he swiped them from three different front yards. He was about to knock when he paused. He was hardly ever around any humans without Buffy or Dawn nearby. Oh fuck it, he was Spike, they'd have to adjust to him. Before he managed to complete his rendition of the I'm-a-vampire-with-a-short-fuse-so-hurry-up-and-let-me-in overture, the door got yanked open to reveal a completely bewildered Willow.
"Oh" she punctuated her little scream with an equally little jump "Spike, it's you."
"Yeah," he smiled at her "you have so many undead over, it's hard to keep track of who's who."
"Ha! You're funny" she said with a smile that Spike thought anatomically impossible.
Not having any topic of conversation beyond monsters, fiends and Dawn, they both just stood there.
There had better be lots of beer, Spike thought. Then he remembered the flowers. He thrust them forward "Here, weeds." he declared.
"Ow, thank you, these are so nice" she headed for the kitchenette "There's this cute little garden at the end of the street that has exactly the same kind."
"Not no more" Spike murmured, then he called after Willow "Hey Red, we're gonna watch movies in the hall?"
She gave him a nervous smile. She waved her arms about in a grand gesture asif she was casting some complicated spell "I invite you in". Well, the result was magical enough. Before, when he was bad ... more so than now anyway, he used to love this, still did in fact. Humans with their blood and their breathing and their heartbeats, inviting a vicious predator into their most intimate of places, where they ate, slept, fucked.
He beheld the scene. The cupboard in the back immediately caught his eye, or rather, his nose. A hodgepodge of scents emanated from it. That must be where they kept all there magic supplies. There were plenty of flasks, pots and bowls strewn about, like they had been doing a spell barely minutes ago. There was no sign of Tara, though her smell was still thick in the air. Maybe she was nervous about him being here and had rushed out when he was due. Anyway, there was an impressive collection of munchies on the table along with a not so impressive stack of beers. BUT, there was a bottle of whiskey and something else. He checked the label. Absolut, Swedish vodka, not his favourite, but he wasn't complaining. Next he rifled through the stack of videos. Man, the witches had tons of videos, or they had raided their friend's collections. He instantly discarded any horror flicks, he wasn't in the mood for slapstick. SF went on the maybe pile as did action. Ooh, Se7en, nice one, very funny. He just got the part of the stack that, judging by the handwriting, had been pilfered from Giles when Willow came back. Hang on, wasn't she more covered up a minute ago? Well, it was pretty warm in here.
"Here you go" she put a mug of blood on the table, then she bowed her head "I don't think it's O neg."
Spike was to excited about the offer of blood to complain about the type "I was planning on mixing it with the vodka anyway."
Some two hours later, Spike was laughing his head off at the ending of Se7en. He reached for his mug of blood, only to find it empty.
"Here, let me get that," Willow spoke for the first time since the start of the movie "I'll get you a refill."
Once more alone, Spike finally realised there still was no Tara. "Hey, Red! Where's your lovergirl?"
"Oh, ermmm, She's gone to her family for the evening" came Willow's voice from the kitchenette.
Ah, that explains things, Red was lonely and ... hang on, Tara still has family she talks to? Whatever.
Willow was back with a fresh mug of blood. Spike accepted it and proceeded to mix it with what was left of the vodka. Before he could say anything, Willow practically screamed "my choice now!" and slammed a video in the machine.
Spike didn't recognise the movie. The utter absence of a good plot bothered him, as did Willows constant shifting. After some 20 minutes, things took a turn. All of a sudden there were naked people on screen. Willow was in to this kind of stuff? He wanted to mix some more vodka in with his blood but the bottle was empty. Red was drinking vodka now? After another 10 minutes of naked people on screen doing 'stuff'. Willow started leaning against him, one hand hesitantly playing across his chest, occasionally resting on his thighs. Soon enough, little Spike was rising to the occasion. Spike's mind drifted, there were images of Willow naked, Willow all hot and bothered, Willow doing 'stuff'. But there was also Buffy, looking stern. Humans! With their sexual exclusivity! Anyway, he hadn't come here to fuck Red.
"Will," he said, turning towards her "what are you up ..."
He was greeted by two magnificent pink breasts, rock hard nipples pointing straight at him. He had to stop himself from reaching for all this warm softness.
He shook his head a little "Willow, what on earth is going on here. I'm damn sure Slayer don't like me shagging you."
"But Spike, I want you" she peered at him through her eyelashes "I need your cold hard manhood inside of me!"
That sounded weird "You learned that by heart didn't you"
Willow studied her fingernails "Nooooo."
"As in yes?"
She nodded.
He wasn't entirely sure but ... he raised his voice some "And what is Tara doing in the bathroom all this time?"
He was answered by a slight squeak from the bathroom door. A blushing Tara appeared looking everywhere except at him.
"This some kind of experiment?" Spike asked "'I'll show you what it's like, being with a man'" he said in a high voice.
"No, it's not that. It's ..." Willow looked at Tara for support.
Tara looked straight at him, "We need your sperm."
OK, he was ready for just about anything, but this?
Spike drew in a breath couldn't think of anything and let it go.
It took him nearly a full minute to finally speak.
"Why? Why would you ..." something was seriously distracting him "Willow?"
"Yes Spike?" She said, still not looking at him.
"Cover up"
"Oh" She dove into her shirt at record speed, ending up with the damn thing back-to-front.
"Why would you want the dead sperm of an equally dead cold body?"
The witches studied each other, both knowing what needed to be said, neither wanting to actually say it.
Willow braved Spike's piercing stare "We want to get pregnant".
"eh?" was all Spike could produce.
"Not 'we'" Tara corrected "'Her', 'she'" she pointed at Willow.
Tara went on to explain "We've found this spell. Get sperm, kill the resident DNA, infuse it with new DNA and pregnant."
Willow took over "We figured, we'd use your sperm, since it's dead anyway, we could skip the first phase."
Silence.
"Mad at us?" Willow tried.
Silence.
Then Spike spoke up "Look, this spell ... will it work ... if I just hand you a sample?"
Willow looked at Tara, Tara nodded.
"And you won't come to me for money and I'll never have to baby-sit the damn thing?"
Willow shook her head.
"Fine" he sighed "how do you want it?"
Tara headed over to the magic cabinet and got a small jar. Spike took it, studied it for a moment then headed off into the bathroom muttering "I can NOT believe I'm doing this."
While they waited for spermboy to reemerge, the witches talked about the prospect of finally getting pregnant. By the time Spike appeared, they were pretty exited.
Spike handed the jar to Tara who snatched it from his hand and rushed over to the cabinet where she started doing all kind of things you won't find in the average cookbook. This left Willow to get rid of the now redundant Spike.
Spike nodded at the bathroom and sheepishly said "I think I spilled some of my cold seed." Adding 'stupid tiny jar' under his breath.
Willow caressed his arm "I'll clean it up". She walked him to the door. More awkwardness followed.
"Thanks for the vodka ... and the blood" Man, he had to get out of here.
"Thanks for coming" Willow said, giving him a big ol' hug.
Spike hurried away.
He heard the door close and lock behind him. He turned to the wall and smashed his head into it at full force. Reeling from the blow, he said "Spike, you're an arse! You could have shagged red senseless ...". Stupid morals, bloody witches, damn Buffy with her bloody stupid no-fucking-my-friends rules.
fast forward 4 months.
"... and that's the spine, see?" the gynecologist said, pointing at the ultrasound screen.
Willow smiled at the screen, then she smiled at Tara, then at the gyne, if there had been a big ugly slimedemon present, she would have smiled at that too.
"Want to know the gender?" the gyne interrupted the smileathon.
The two witches shared a look. With two mothers and no father, Lily, as the work-in-progress was temporarily called, could only be a girl. But if the gyne wanted to do the cool I-can-already-tell thing ...
"Sure, surprise us." Tara said.
"Well, this and this" she pointed at the screen "are the testicles. It's a boy!" miss stating-the-obvious said.
Tara nearly fainted, Willow forgot to breathe for almost a minute.
"Aw," the gyne cocked her head "you wanted a girl."
"Nono" Willow said hurriedly "a boy is fine ... good I mean, a boy is good. Hehe. All boys are good."
"Not that we have much need for any ... boys that is." Tara returned from the land of the nearly unconscious.
"No" Willow added "but, hurray, check it out, we're going to have a son."
She looked at her love and mouthed 'aaaaaargh'.
---
Buffy was enjoying a nice cold mineral water, secretly smiling at Giles's slight limp. She had been a bit hard on him, but hey, he keeps insisting on these sparring matches. Xander, being in need of transportation, was quietly flicking through one of Giles's more illustrated books.
The tiny bells above the door announced Willows entry.
Xander looked up from his read "Hey Will, everything ok with junior?"
Willow ignored him, heading straight for the nearest empty chair, panting all the while.
"OhGodOhGodOhGod" was all she said.
Xander gave Buffy a worried look. Buffy took the cue "What's the matter Will?"
She kept panting "I'm pregnant!"
"Yeeeees" Xander said "We kind of already knew that. With the eating of the tiny breakfast and the throwing up of said breakfast ..."
"And the buying of the small clothes ..." Buffy added.
Back to Xander with "And let's not forget the bloating of the belly."
"Nono, you don't understand" Willow gasped "It's a ..."
"Good God, it's not a demon spawn is it?" Giles said.
"No it's a ..." desperate look on her face "BOY!"
"Oh" Buffy put on her most understanding face "and you already bought itty bitty dresses."
"Don't you see?" Willow trust forwards her hands asif she wanted to wring the truth from the air itself "This means Spike's the father."
Stunned looks all 'round.
Then, displaying his supernatural ability for lousy timing, Spike marched in the shop.
"Hey luv, everyone" He only got a fist in the face for his greeting.
"Not now, I don't like it with all that lot around." He said rubbing his nose.
A second fist in the face told him Buffy wasn't flirting.
"Hey!" another blow "What's the problem?"
Buffy interrupted her assault to say "You are the problem."
"Me? What did I do?"
"Fuck Willow"
Spike managed to duck under the next blow "WHAT? What are you smoking?!?!"
"You got her pregnant, you pig!" punctuating the pig part with a knee to the groin.
Standing over the fallen vampire, she was interrupted by Giles.
"Erm, Buffy, aren't we forgetting something? Vampires ..."
"... shoot blanks." Buffy completed the sentence "What gives Willow".
"Weeeeell" Willow wrung her hands.
"You told em?" Spike crawled to his feet "Last time I do you a favour!"
"Hooooold it" Buffy jumped between the two of em.
"Spike, sit. Willow ... continue to sit. Good, now explain."
Willow gathered her courage, huffed and puffed a few times. Then she told them everything. The video night, the loads and loads of vodka, the almost sex, the sperm and finally the spell.
When she was finished, there were blank stares.
Giles was the first to regain his composure "So that's where my videos went."
"Sorry" Willow said.
Xander was next "I still don't get it, it's a boy so Spikes the father???"
Not really in the explaining mood, Giles exerted himself never the less "Willow and Tara don't have a Y gene between them, right? Spike does. So if Willows child is a boy, then Spike must be the father."
Xander shook his head "X ... Y ... I never was much for algebra."
"That still leave the question, why wasn't Spike shooting blanks?" Buffy said.
"Erm, Willow, what spell exactly did you use?" Giles asked.
"I don't really remember. We found it in the Kama Sutra volume 1"
"Kama sutra volume 1?" Xander's intrest was spiked.
Giles was now completely in obscure knowledge mode "Yes, The one that you, no doubt, have at home is actually volume 2, The boring stuff. Volume 1 was all about magical love, love potions, fertility spells, instant abortions. Willow, I think I know the one you're talking about. You did know that was some powerful magic you were dealing with? Are you sure you did it right?"
"Yes" she proclaimed, cheerfully for the first time since entering the room "Well, maybe."
"Take us through it step by step. So, you got the sperm."
Spike cringed at his seed being the subject of an academic discussion.
"Yes, we got the sperm in the appropriately blessed jar."
"Good."
"Then Tara pricked her finger, drew blood and infused the sperm with her essence. She ..."
"Wait wait, when did you purge his DNA?"
Willow looked at Giles a bit worried "We skipped that part, his seed is dead anyway right."
"Yes, quite dead ... but when Tara infused her DNA. I .. I .. I think she activated his DNA in the process. Powerful magic remember. So, her DNA only partly settled in the cells, the other parts being taken up by his DNA."
"Well, as far out, wild guesses go, this one is pretty far out and wild" Xander said.
"Yeah, we really should look for some kind of proof" Buffy said.
"Yes, proof is good, we could do a spell" Willow said hopefully, she didn't really know what she was hopefull for.
"No, Willow, I mean, I wouldn't know which one. Tell you what. There's a watcher, a doctor, he has access to a lab in LA. Owes me one."
"Okay, I guess" Willow said while holding the slight bulge that betrayed her condition.
"You ok?" Buffy asked her.
"Yes, fine."
"Don't lie to me Will"
"I'm scared. What if my child is some kind of freak? Oh Buffy, what did I do?"
"You did it out of love for Tara, right?"
Willow nodded "I love her, Buffy. More then anything, more then I ever loved Oz or Xander".
"We'll soon know what's what and then you can get right back to the loving of your unborn."
"But, what if ..."
Buffy shushed her, placed her hand on Willow's belly "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
"As for you" Giles bellowed at Spike while he emerged from amongst the shelves with a huge stack of books. "You'll be needing to read these" and he dumped the stack in Spike's arms.
"What the fuck ..." To his horror, Spike saw a smiling young woman holding a blaring kid on the front-page of the first book. "You have GOT to be kidding me."
But Giles wasn't to be swayed "Right, off with you then." and he shoved the desperate vampire towards the door.
Spike was to overwhelmed to put up a fight. As he passed his love and her friend, he couldn't stop himself from staring at the witch's belly. A shudder ran across his spine as his head filled with images of diapers and stacks of laundry and cheerful colors wrecking havoc on the ambience of his crypt. No good deed ever goes unpunished.
---
Never, in his 200 years of roaming the earth, spreading death and destruction, killing, maiming, raping and generally having a blast, did he ever think he would, in his wildest, drunkest, darkest dreams, hear himself utter the words "You're not getting any more of my sperm!"
And yet, here he was, summoned to the witches den by means of a note (WITHOUT the smiley faces over the i's this time). And those words exactly were his conversation opener.
He stormed into their livingroom, shoving Tara aside and going around Willow. Damn! We're avoiding the pregnant women now, Spike? What kind of demon are you!
He stood there, fuming, he trust his finger out to Willow and shouted "I'm not giving any money eighter! I didn't want this!"
He flopped into the couch and was back up 2 seconds later.
"Word has gotten out, you know. Did wonders for my rep. 'There goes William the babysitter' they say. ME! 'The babysitter'" he drew quotes in the air "not The Bloody anymore, no, The Babysitter, the bleeding babysitter. Oh sure, that'll strike fear into the hearts of vampires and demons alike ... NOT!" and he was back in the couch again.
"Spike ..." Willow sat down next to him.
When he saw that huge belly within inches of his body he bolted out of the couch again.
"You know, I did the right thing for once. Didn't even shag you! Your loss by the way."
"You'd think slayergirl would give me credit for that, the not fucking the brains out of her friends part." God his head was pounding, he'd felt like this before but never without the rapid consumption of several bottles of whiskey.
"And I helped you" he took an heroic pose "I, the mass murdering bastard, helped you, the human".
"And what do I get for my troubles?" he threw his arms up.
"Ohoh" Willow made little bounces on the couch.
"What is it?" Tara rushed over.
"He kicked!"
"You sure?"
"Definitely, it was very faint but I definitely felt it."
"Can I feel?"
Willow made a pouty face "He's stopped now."
"Hellooooo" Spike was waving his arms about wildly "I'm having an indignant rant here."
"Spike" A suddenly forceful Willow exclaimed. She got up and marched over to the undead. Grabbing his arm, she said "let's sit". Spike was too taken aback by the confident woman and the mushy belly pressing against him to offer resistance.
"Okay, Spike, we're really, really love what you did for us." Willow started
"And you won't have to baby-sit." Tara, who had sat herself down on Spike's other side, said. She added "well, unless you want to".
At this point Spike still had the willpower to produce a mocking "puh".
"And we can pay our own way" Willow continued, she placed her hand on his chest "and I'm SURE the sex would have been great".
Spike felt a little happy coming up.
"Now," Willow straightened herself "Giles's doctor/watcher buddy called with the results. Half the DNA is mine."
"And at least part of the other half is mine" Tara proudly stated.
"And there's nothing unnatural about the rest of it, well, apart from it being there."
"So, it's gonna be a healthy child" Tara beamed.
Spike was beginning to feel dizzy from the two sided assault.
Tara winked at Willow, Willow nodded. The last phase of their plan was about be unleashed on poor Spike. They knew no mercy.
Tara leaned closer "Spike ..."
Willow followed suit "the reason we got you over here ..."
Spike sank deeper into the couch.
Tara was had her leg over his, her hand trailing circles on his chest "we want to ask your permission."
Willow pressed herself against him "we want to call him William."
"Yes, William" Tara rested her head on his shoulder.
Surrounded by warm and soft breasts and thighs and a pregnant belly, hands running all over his body (he could swear there were more than 2 pair of them) Spike desperately wished he could melt into the couch. There was no way out, he tried to push the two witches away but found himself lacking the strength.
Then he let out a girlie "AH!". Something had just tapped the palm of his hand, the palm of his hand that was resting on ... Willow's ... BELLY! AAAARGH, now even his unborn son was attacking him!
He cleared his throat, trying to summon a deep manly voice but the result was a whimpering "Alright."
Suddenly, all the warm softness was withdrawn and he was free again. Willow smiled at Tara, he had had no chance whatsoever.
Spike shook his head trying to get his bearings. Tara was gone now, kitchenette probably. Willow was still here.
"You felt it didn't you?"
Spike nodded.
"Look Spike, we want you to be a part of this."
His cockiness making a guest appearance "And what makes you think I want to."
That hadn't been the plan, Spike was supposed to still be mush at this time. Willow had to improvise. She desperately went looking for a way to regain control. She remembered feeling something hard in his coat earlier. Not his flask, he kept that in his other inside pocket. She reached into his coat and pulled out 'the pocket guide to pregnancy'. A tiny smile crept across her face, she'd been right.
"What about this then"
The book was slightly worn, he had been reading it, there was no denying it. "Okay, okay, I'll admit, this whole thing is ... odd. Odd enough to read the damn book."
Odd? Oh well, at least he hadn't said weird. 'Odd' would do for now.
"We'd like you to be the Godfather."
"Don't you think that's kind of ... utterly insane?"
"Hey!" instantly sorry to have yelled at him "It's the child of 2 lesbian witches and a vampire conceived through the use of ancient magic, utterly insane is the norm here."
Spike sighed "I'll think about it, right?"
Before Willow could turn on the charm, Spike was out of the couch. She had pushed him enough for now, she'd give him some time to process today's input. Tara rejoined them dragging along a hefty bag which she handed to Spike. Blood, Spike was pleased to see. There probably was some cosmic rule that said that in this case the vampire and the witches should experience a moment of awkward silence. To Spike, the silence was filled with air rushing in and out of lungs en hearts beating. Two strong regular heartbeats and ... he had to strain to make it out ... a third heartbeat? Very faint, very fast.
"Right, I'm off then"
Tara simply said bye but Willow accompanied him into the hall.
Willow gave him a quick peck on the cheek and said "You know, sometimes, you're really sweet."
It was only fitting that a conversation that had started with an inconceivable sentence should end with an even weirder one.
Me? Sweet?
It was yet another thing to haunt him all the way back to his crypt. Thoughts, images of all kinds kept racing through his head, Willow, pregnant, Tara, him, children, being a ... father??? And there was Buffy and the sex with the slayer and for the first time since Dru had turned him ... the concept that sex had something to do with babies.
Buffy. Willow. Sex. Tara. Pregnant. Little William.
Buffy. Willow. Sex. Pregnant. Little William.
Buffy. Willow. Sex. Pregnant.
Buffy. Sex. Pregnant.
Buffy. Pregnant.
Hang on, Buffy pregnant? He stopped dead in his tracks. Considered his discovery. Then he violently shook his head to erase any trace of the thought.
He spent the rest of his way back humming Sex Pistols' songs.
But one thing refused to leave him be. Always present in the back of his head, in a tiny nook of his brain, buried under the memories of two centuries of random violence, the faint heartbeat of little William refused to die out.