IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!

consequences of drug abuse from video game producers

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, if I did it would have made a lot more sense.

Ok, first of all I really love Resident Evil, I mean, I really really love it. That's why I'm writing this: 'cause it bothers me when the things I love don't seem to make sense at all.

WARNING: I made it for fun, but if you get easily offended don't even bother reading, 'cause I'll try my best to offend every single character in every single game I played (and I've played many). If you still feel like to flame go ahead, not that I don't care, I rather think it's quite amusing.

CONTAINS SPOILERS (AND SWEARING)!!

Someone might rightfully say: "It's a game about a virus that zombifies people, who cares if S.T.A.R.S. don't even remind me of an elite squad!". That's true, but assuming such virus to be an acceptable fact in a fictional survival horror universe, I just wanna have a little fun with all those other minor absurdities.

Resident Evil does have a chronological order so why shouldn't I simply follow...well then...

MA-121 is proud to introduce you to...

RESIDENT EVIL ZERO

...or "Self Destruct Sequence has been activated" part one...

And here we have our plot: Arklay forest, night. Bravo team helicopter crashes, they find an army jeep and learn of an escaped prisoner. They split up and Rebecca finds the zombie-infested Ecliptic Express. Enter super Billy Cohen. Train crash, Umbrella Training Facility, more monsters, final fight with a giant leech, daybreak. Now let's check this out...

The helicopter crash: they have to go for a mission and they don't even check the engine... would you call them professionals? I wouldn't, but then again, shit happens... this takes us to our second and more important issue: how the fuck did they ALL survive? And without any visible damage, I must add?? In the middle of a forest nonetheless... Any idea of the survival rate of a similar crash? I do: 0,5...lucky, I suppose. What do we have next?

A military jeep... in the middle of a forest?? WTF was it doing there!? I mean they were even carring a very dangerous guy! Please... there wasn't even a path (not to say a street): how (& why) the fuck did it get there? I got a few theories... a) they fell in a time-space wormhole, b) they gave a lift to a hitch hicking zombie, c) they asked a zombie for directions... personally I'd say "c" but who knows.

"Sooo...what do we have here... a very dangerous criminal who has killed the guards and is probably hiding around here... you know what? Let's split up! Yay!! Oh, and Rebecca, since you're the youngest and less experienced (oh wait, isn't this your first mission?), why don't you go on your own in this creepy forest!". Now... If that make's sense to you don't read any further. And as for our oh-so-cute miss Chambers: who would ever hire an unexperienced eighteen years old girl in a super elite squad? Who ever did that was as high as a rabbit on crack (Wesker, that was for you. And quit with those drugs, will you? Thanks, kids are watching even if they shouldn't).

Oh and by the way Enrico, you really are one lucky bastard: you managed to wonder around the whole game without encoutering a single zombie/monster/rabid monkey! Either this or you must be incredibly stupid to keep thinking that Billy's responsible for those guys in the jeep.

The Ecliptic Express: surprise, suprise... I don't think there's much to say about this train besides it's not so efficient emergency breaking system and it's very expensive furniture (Umbrella really cares for it's personnel). From now on things start to get pretty normal (obviously according to survival horror standards). Well... actually there's this little detail... assuming the Ecliptic Express is running at least 60 mph for not less than 40 minutes, we can easily say the TF is about 40 miles from the helicopter crash. In the final cut scene we can see Rebecca on a cliff very close to the Mansion: from her pov she can see both the Mansion and the burning TF not too far from it: in said final scene we are told that the TF, the Mansion and Bravo's helicopter are pretty close. So the question is: was the train running in circles? Maybe is the usual time-space wormhole that gets in the way... I don't know...

This last thing, rather then nonsensical is just something I was wondering about. Raise hands those who guessed at first glance that the guy on the hill was actually a guy... Now, I'm taking a wild guess, but I believe Umbrella had Marcus killed just becouse they found out he was a cross dresser. Homophobics!! And by the way, those leeches must have chosen the dress 'cause it was the most terrifying thing in the game.

Next time... "Run for that mansion!"

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PS: I guess I forgot Billy... oh well he's going to die in the forest anyway. Sorry Billy fan girls... Not to be pessimistic, but it would be quite naife to believe he actually made it on foot through the haunted Arklay Montains.

And to those who believe Enrico Marini's origins to be Spanish, Potuguese, Mexican and so on: he is ITALIAN! I get mad when people mistake that...

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A/N

Man, I love this game!

Oh, and I'm awfully sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes, I still don't know how to properly use the spellchecker...