In my life, I've never had that person that I knew was right for me, that guy who knew me inside and out, who loved me no matter what, who showed me what love even was. I settled for what I could get, and forgot about the idea of the right guy. I found love in the form of my kids, of course a very different love. It wasn't until that I learned what it is to love a man, truly.
Of course things didn't start out the best, he almost arrested me for murder and a few other things… but once I got to know him, I felt safe with him.
We had something before we got "married" it wasn't something established, or obvious, but it was there. I can't describe it very well, but it was a weird feeling of care for him, and it was mutual. We didn't do anything about it in that time, but we were always on the verge of doing something about it. This feeling changed, and it's hard to know exactly when. But I'm going with my heart when I say it was the moment he pulled out a real diamond wedding ring, and placed it on my finger. Yes we were getting married, but it was just for the insurance. I hadn't even gotten him a ring and certainly wasn't expecting one from him. Then, on the steps outside the courthouse he kissed me, since we had to make it look real. That kiss was a confused one, but still made my heart skip a beat.
Then something clicked, and while faking a love for each other in public, we found a real one in private. He made me feel special, and cared for. He treated me like nobody had treated me before, with respect and gentleness.
And now here we are, a year later. Norman is still at pine view, and will be staying for a long time. While I miss him at home I can't have him in the house, there's too much at stake. I walk into the kitchen to see Emma sitting at the table, with a plate full of eggs. "I made breakfast for everybody Norma" she says as I walk over and kiss the top of her head. "Thank you honey, looks lovely. She hands me a fork full of eggs. I grab a plate and start eating, noticing how good of a cook she is. "Hey do you think I could book a room, just for a couple nights?" I'm a little concerned, but I nod. "Why do you need a room?" She thinks a moment. "Well, there's just some stuff going on at home, it'd be nice to get away from it all" I smile gently. "Honey why don't you just come stay in the house?" She opens her eyes a little more, surprised I offered. "Well, I don't want to be a bother, I just thought it would be easier to stay in a room." I smile. "Come stay with us, you're no bother at all." She smiles. "Okay, are you sure?" "Of course!"
After I finish my food I walk up towards the bedroom and lay down in the bed next Alex. He grabs my hand and holds it tight. "Good morning" he says. "Good morning, how'd you sleep?" "Pretty good, I-" I hear the door slam as Emma leaves and within seconds he's up, giving me the look. I laugh "geez, somebody's ready" I say as he looks longingly. We've been kind of trying for a baby, at my age it might not happen so we're not all in, but if it happens it happens. He has been rather excited, and hopeful. " remember we've got plenty of time today" he smiles "all the more reason to start now" I laugh as I pull him over. He looks into my eyes with that same look he gave me that night at the lights show, love. I pull him into a kiss and soon one thing leads to another…
I love how gentle he is with me, he always has been. The way he tickles behind my ear, and plays with my hair. Sex was never a beautiful thing with Sam or anybody else for that matter, but with Alex it is.
We lay in bed for a while, enjoying each others presence. While the prospect of having another child is great, I would hate to lose this precious time between us. It all started when Emma was scheduled to babysit for her friend, and ended up going to the hospital. We took care of the baby, and the 2 year old for Emma. While I tried to soothe the screaming baby Alex was downstairs reading to the 2 year old. I finally got her sleeping, and turn around to see Alex looking at me lovingly. He walked over and wrapped his arm around us, admiring my parenting skills. Since then he's been crazy about having a baby, considering he was never a dad. I had thought about it in the past, but not seriously. I am just afraid, because we have been so happy, that I almost want it to take a while to get pregnant so that we can share this precious time together. But, in the past I didn't have to try very hard, it took one time to get pregnant with Dylan, and one month for Norman. And then there was Rose… I hadn't told him about her yet. Sam and I had gotten pregnant again after Norman, when he was about 12. We were about to tell the boys, excited and anxious. But then the night before… I woke up bleeding. It was nothing to Sam, he just said so what it's another kid. But to me, it was heartbreaking. I had always wanted a girl, I had already named her, and planned it all out in my head. I still wonder what she'd be like. In fact a lot of times I envision her a lot like Emma, kind, respectful, and loving. There's a reason I've always loved Emma.
As we lay there, thinking about her, a tear trickles down my face. I wipe it away and try to forget about it. I get up and walk towards the bathroom, as he admires my body. It's something I love about him, he knows exactly what I'm self-conscious about, and compliments me about that area. I wash up and put my robe on. I walk down to the kitchen and hear a car pulling up. It's Emma, with her bag of stuff. She walks up to the house as I watch out the window. She's so perfect, although I don't tell her often I love her, very much. She walks in and smiles at me. "Hey dear! what ya got there?" she opens her bag. "Mostly dildos, sex toys, pack of condoms" She says with a laugh. Of course it's clothes, but she knows how to make me laugh. "Nice. you got tampons in there?" I see her look at me with the face of regret. "Up in the spare bathroom, I bought some earlier for you." She smiles. "Thank you so much" "Hey, we're both girls, that's what I always forget" She laughs as she walks up the stairs.