I don't own Grey's Anatomy. All comments welcome.
Now we're cleaning the windows between us two. Funny, you do it once, and then again, and pretty soon the fingerprints and dust...But I've begun to trust the view here. - Deb Talan
Derek Shepherd is not a stupid man.
In the past, he was rarely impatient and mostly even-tempered. He went through life focused on his career and loving his wife the way most men love their wives. He did his duty and was content with the successes that came from doing so.
So when it takes him five months to break up with Rose, Mark Slone throws a small party for two celebrating "the end of my friend's Era of Stupid." Derek finds himself dragged to the bar at the Archfield even though Mark finally moved into a downtown condo of his own a month ago. He tells Derek that the Archfield has the kind of "high class ladies" a man like Derek should be interested in.
"You mean high class call girls?" Derek asks when they pass a woman in a very expensive, but very tight and very short, black cocktail dress, hanging off the arm of a man that has to be at least seventy years old. He shakes his head as they head toward some very uncomfortable-looking bar stools.
"Those too," Mark replies with a smirk as he flags down the barkeep.
"Please tell me you didn't buy me a whore to help 'celebrate' my freedom or whatever it is you brought me here for." Derek picks up his scotch as soon as the bartender places it in front of him, but is content to swirl the liquid around in the short glass instead of drinking it.
"Thought about it, but that would be a whole different level of stupid."
"You think?" Derek snorts out, before finally taking a drink.
The two men talk about work and the Yankees and the good deal Mark got on his apartment. Mark hits on three different women that are unfortunate enough to sit next to him, and obtains two phone numbers. Derek's almost certain one of them is one of the aforementioned hookers.
"So now that you've come to your senses and left Rose, what now?"
"She broke up with me, actually," Derek admits, sheepishly.
"Seriously?" Mark looks like he wants to strangle his friend and Derek raises his hands in mock defense.
"I know. It was a long time coming."
Mark shakes his head at his friend's idiocy. "If, by that, you mean it shouldn't have even started, then yes."
"Pretty much, yes. She says she wants to still be friends." Derek shrugs. "Maybe we can be."
"And Meredith?" Mark lets the name dangle and keeps his eyes somewhere over Derek's shoulder.
"Meredith is Meredith and I should leave her alone. She seems happy." Derek's answer sounds a little too pat, even to his own ears.
"Shrinks can do that." It had leaked months ago that Seattle Grace's Princess of Tragedy had finally succumbed and sought the help of a professional. If the entire hospital knowing bothered her, Derek can't tell. It hasn't seemed to stop her from walking through the halls with her head held high.
"Maybe."
"Have you considered going that route?"
"Sometimes."
"Make sure to get a hot one. It helps." Derek snorts at his friend's priorities.
They finish their drinks, and part ways when Mark finally scores a 'high class lady' of his own and bids Derek good night.
The truth is, Derek has considered seeing a therapist a few times, but always decides against it. After all, Derek is not completely oblivious; he's more self aware than he lets on. He knows where his issues come from; Kathleen's certainly told enough times, and he knows what consequences his choices have had. He neglects his wife, she sleeps with his best friend. He chooses his wife over the chance at a fresh start, he loses the girl he's falling in love with. He knows that every time he has asked Meredith to trust him, he has asked for something he hasn't come close to earning.
And he knows that right now she's happy. She has found that on her own, without him swooping in and providing it for her, and as much as he'd love to ask her to share her joy with him, he needs to find his own.
When Derek walks into the hospital two days later, he wears a smile that's a little out of place at five AM on a Tuesday morning. He has a fairly complicated surgery on the books that will take longer than average and he's looking forward to the procedure. That Meredith is on his team for this one doesn't really factor into his excitement, but it doesn't hurt either. The next few hours fly by and before he knows it, he is scrubbed in with a sixth year resident beside him and Meredith behind him. There's a lot of friendly banter back and forth during the first hour as they slowly make their way toward portion of the spine where a particularly gnarly AVM has hemorrhaged twice before, causing the patient increasing lower extremity weakness. As soon as they reach the AVM the room gets quiet as Derek and Dr. Marcus, the sixth year resident, slowly work to isolate, and then remove the mass. The surgery takes even longer than estimated, but six hours later, Derek asks Marcus to close up and leaves the OR optimistic about his patient's recovery.
He heads to his office to finish up some paperwork that the chief needs before Derek can catch a late flight to LA where he's speaking at a conference the next afternoon. Rose had talked him into taking the full weekend off and had planned to show him around her old stomping grounds before she realized the conference coincided with her sister's wedding in Milwaukee. She had half-heartedly tried to convince him to come with her to the wedding but he'd politely declined.
Derek knows four people in the LA area, three of whom work at Oceanside Wellness Center. The other is his youngest sister Molly, with whom he has plans for dinner Thursday evening. He spends the next five minutes deciding whether he should call or e-mail Addison to see if she wants to meet him for dinner or drinks while he's in California. Deciding that e-mail was less intrusive (and less awkward, to be honest) Derek types out a short, quick note suggesting they get together while he's in town and leaves the ball in his ex-wife's court.
He rounds on two patients who are two days post-op before heading to his AVM patient's room to check on his recovery. He finds Meredith in the patient's room writing quick notes in the patient's chart and smiles at her before asking how the patient seems to be doing.
"The nurses reported he was hypertensive just after surgery but he's responding nicely to the meds. So far he has no fever and his vitals have been stable for the last two hours."
"Good. I'll be in LA till Monday so Dr. Marcus will be his primary. Dr. Weller is the supervising attending, but if either of you need anything feel free to call me."
"LA?" Meredith looks up from the chart. "It's…sunny there."
Derek laughs at her lame attempt to suppress her surprise. "There's a conference. And one of my sisters is roping me into dinner. It shouldn't be too bad, though. She's my favorite." He smiles.
"You have a sister who lives in LA? Huh." Meredith nods as she seems to digest that piece of new information. "Why is she your favorite?"
"Molly's fun. She's laid back. She's two years younger than me but never seemed to grow past twenty-five." Seeing Meredith's skeptical look Derek shakes his head and leans against the high counter that lines the wall. "In a good way. She never got bitter or jaded like the rest of us. She's a medical examiner, surprisingly enough, but she's happy and bright, without being annoying." He shrugs.
"You have a sister named Molly? How did I not know this?"
"I don't know. I guess I never really told you about my family, did I?"
"Not really." Meredith hops off the high swivel stool she's been sitting on while writing her notes and sighs. "Are you planning to see Addison while you're down there?"
Derek does his best to hide his surprise at her directness before answering. "I'm not sure. I sent her an e-mail suggesting we get together but that was half an hour ago so who knows what she'll say."
"What do you want her to say?"
"I don't know. Yes, I think. It's been weird with her gone. Good and I'm glad she's there and happy. But weird.
"Then I hope she says yes," Meredith says quietly. "Okay. I have three more patients to see before I'm off. Have a safe flight, Derek."
"Goodnight, Meredith. Thanks for your hard work today," Derek replies sincerely.
Meredith nods and waves over her shoulder as she moves on to her next patient's room.
Derek's flight to LA is relatively comfortable but he is happy when he finally checks into his hotel room knowing that he can finally fall into bed. He barely remembers to lock the deadbolt before stripping down to his boxers and crawling under the covers. He is able to get in a full six hours of sleep before he is interrupted by his wake up call.
He calls up for breakfast, ordering oatmeal with pecans and raisins and two scrambled egg whites. He takes a fast shower and shaves, rubbing some product through his hair to tame it, before settling down at the desk to check his mail.
His patient from the night before is doing well according to Dr. Marcus, his sister requests confirmation that he's landed safely since he forgot to call her the night before, and Addison has written a short reply saying she's up for dinner though she's hosting a small, informal dinner party at her house on Thursday and he's welcome to come. She assures him that Sam and Naomi will be there and she's sure they'd love to see him. If he's not game for this, then they can probably meet up on Saturday sometime. He sends a note back saying that Thursday sounds great and he'll call her if he gets lost.
After a short note letting Molly know he's alive, Derek heads over to meet with the conference coordinator before his lecture.
The lecture comes off without a hitch and he only sees one person sleeping through it.
There's a lunch being held for all the speakers and while Derek typically finds these things boring, he's hungry and ready to enjoy the food and the chance to relax.
"Derek Shepherd?" He looks up to see a tall, blonde woman heading toward his table. He smiles when he recognizes her and stands up to greet her.
"Julia Nelson." She smiles as she reaches out to hug him. He graciously returns the quick hug before pulling back and pointing to the empty seat next to him. "Take a seat. It's good to see you."
"You, too!" She sits gracefully angling her body toward him. "How's Mark?" she asks with a smirk. Derek rolls his eyes. Julia had gone through her residency with Derek, Mark and Addie and had been one of Mark's favorite go-to women at the time..
"Sleeping his way through the women of Seattle."
"No surprise there." She takes a sip of her water before continuing, "And Addie?"
"She's actually here in LA. We got divorced last year," he states quietly but without any sadness.
"Wow. I'm so sorry." She blushes a bit and bites her lip, looking up at him apologetically.
"It's fine. It was time and we're both happier this way." He decides to skip over Mark's part in their divorce deciding it's enough that the entire staff of SGH knows the truth. "I heard you're down in Florida?"
She nods. "I was, but now I'm in San Diego."
"Sticking to the sunny places?" he teases.
"Of course. After school and residency in New York I was done with the cold and the snow."
"I don't blame you," he pauses to take a bite of his fish before continuing, "How's Tom?"
"My brother's the same as always. Completely consumed by work, but happy as a clam in his lab." Derek nods, remembering his old college roommate's workaholic habits that made him the apple of every professor's eye. "Are you seeing anyone?"
Derek sighs. He knew the question was coming. "Not at the moment but I just got out of a relationship so I'm trying the alone thing for a while."
"That's too bad. I'm sure there are plenty of women who would love to have a crack at you." She doesn't sound too disappointed so Derek relaxes.
"For the moment I'm not interested. I'll let you know if that changes."
The two of them continue to talk through the rest of lunch, occasionally interrupted by other colleagues stopping by to discuss his lecture or ask him his opinion on various new techniques or technologies that he's had the chance to try out.
Derek is uncharacteristically nervous as he pulls his rental car up to a gorgeous, comfortable beach house in Malibu. At first glance he has a hard time believing that Addison Forbes Montgomery lives here, but then he allows himself to remember a younger Addison, the Addison he fell in love with during med school. He remembers how she used to look, absentmindedly using a pencil to secure her hair in a hasty bun sometime during hours of intense studying. She would focus for hours on end, only to throw down whatever book she was reading and drag him away from his own books. She would insist on going out into the sunshine for a walk, or convince him to lay side by side in the grass under a huge tree before, inevitably, climbing into his lap to make out. This house could belong to the Addison he knew before she decided that two specialties weren't quite enough for her. That Addison would love this house with its sunshine and large rooms and the ocean just steps away.
The door opens before he has a chance to knock and he finds himself confronted by a cranky looking Naomi and a seemingly reluctant Sam.
"Hello?" he questions tentatively.
"Hi Derek. Let's talk." Naomi signals for Sam to close the door behind them leaving the three of them on the front porch.
"Okay," he replies, confused.
"Why are you here?"
"Naomi." Sam's voice is low and exasperated. "We agreed…"
"I know what we agreed to, Sam. I lied," Naomi snaps at her ex-husband.
"I'm here for dinner."
"Addison's happy."
"Good." Derek's starting to see where this is going and forces himself to stand still and let Naomi get it out of her system.
"She's happy and you don't get to ruin that."
"I don't plan to do that. I'm here for the weekend and I missed her. Not enough to interfere, or beg for her to come back to Seattle, but I wanted to see her. Make sure she's doing well." He knows he's speaking to her as if she's a small child, but sometimes you have to take that approach with Naomi.
"Good. Let's go inside." Sam doesn't wait for an answer before walking back inside, leaving the door open for the other two.
"I'm just saying – "
"I know what you're saying. I'm not the devil. I have no nefarious plan to ensnare my ex-wife. We're over and we're both ok with that." Derek heads inside with Naomi close on his heals.
"Derek!" Addison exclaims when she sees him from her spot behind the counter. She sounds happy to see him and he can't help be grin back at her.
"Addie." He goes to hug her but she wards him off by showing him her hands covered with guacamole. He makes a face that makes her snort.
"I know. I'm in my kitchen smashing avocados with my hands, but it just works better this way. You just have to remember to mix the lime, garlic and jalapeño in with a spoon or your hands will burn for the rest of the day." Derek nods, bemused. Addie quickly scrapes the squashed, green mush off her hands and into the bowl, then rinses her them before letting him envelop her in a hug. It lasts a little longer than he expected but they break apart before it becomes uncomfortable.
"You look good," he says. He's never seen Addie tan. It's a good, if odd, look for her.
"Thanks." She nods and turns toward the rest of her guests. "This is Derek," she states in a matter of fact tone. "Derek, this is Dr. Violet Turner, Dr. Cooper Freedman and Dr. Pete Wilder." Derek shakes each of their hands in turn, noting that Dr. Wilder is giving him an odd appraising look and Dr. Turner is looking at Addie as if searching for some hidden reaction.
"You want a beer?" Sam offers.
"What do you have?"
"Dos Equis, Corona, Shiner Bock and Heineken." Sam already has a bottle of Heineken in his hand, as if anticipating Derek's answer.
"Heineken it is." Derek accepts the uncapped beer and takes a long pull.
The awkward air over the group slowly dissipates as Derek lets them lead the conversations, only joining in when Sam or Addie ask him to recount some radical procedure or prank pulled in med school. It's a pleasant evening for the most part but Derek feels a heightened sense of anxiety as one by one the doctors leave, including a reluctant Naomi. Sam is the last to leave.
"It's getting late. You can crash in my guest room if you want," Sam offers.
Derek nods and takes him up on it. Sam heads out and Derek helps Addie finish cleaning up.
"Interesting group of people you've got here," Derek tosses out tentatively. Addie smiles.
"Yeah. Violet is nothing like Kathleen," she points out knowingly.
"I noticed." He smiles when he thinks about his extremely organized and put-together sister, acknowledging that despite their shared profession, Kathleen is nothing like the neurotic Violet.
"I like her, though. And Cooper's a sweetie. Like a nicer, gentler Mark. Total perv when you first meet him, but he grows on you."
"He misses you." Addie looks up from where she's wiping down the counter with a bright pink sponge.
"I only miss him when I miss you," Addie reveals quietly and Derek nods in understanding. When they're done wiping down the counters and all the dishes are in the washer, Addie grabs them both another beer and cocks her head toward the back porch. The two of them head out, settle into two ridiculously comfortable lounge chairs and look out at the ocean, listening to the waves.
"I get why you like it here. I didn't at first; Manhattan's Addison Forbes Montgomery in LA just didn't work in my head. But I get it now."
"It gorgeous out here and I'm out of my element and never dreamed I'd end up birthing babies in inflatable tubs, but I'm learning to love it." Derek smiles at her admission.
"I was remembering when we were younger, before we where married, how harried you'd get. You'd study your ass off for hours and then suddenly hop up and drag me outside. We'd go for walks or horse around on the lawn and you were so happy then. I think you've found that here."
Addison smiles sadly at his remembrance. "I think so, too," she agrees quietly. "And you? Are you happy Derek?"
"I'm getting there."
"How's Meredith?"
Derek blows out a deep breath, forcibly. "I think she's happy, but we don't really talk much."
Addison nods. "I heard you broke up."
"Yeah. We made so many mistakes. Let each other get away with too much. I wasn't patient enough and she let her fear paralyze her."
"But you still love her?"
"Always," he states simply.
"Then it will work out." She gets up gracefully and holds out her hand to pull him out of his seat, signaling the end of their evening. "I have work tomorrow so I should turn in."
"Me, too." Still holding her hand Derek pulls her into a comfortable hug and they stay there for a while tucked comfortably in each others arms, the rhythm of the ocean lulling them into a relaxed sort of stupor. Finally Derek pulls away and kisses Addie on the cheek.
"You know I'm sorry, right?" He asks gently.
"Me, too."
"And you know I love you?" He smiles kindly at her.
"You, too." He nods and then squeezes her hand before quietly saying goodnight and making his way to Sam's back door.
Derek didn't make it to the morning sessions of the conference but enjoyed the two talks he makes it to in the afternoon. He skips the closing banquet to meet Molly for dinner at a small Moroccan place in Hollywood, smiling widely when he sees her standing outside on the sidewalk waiting.
"Derek!" She walks quickly up to him and crushes him in a warm hug before pulling back and ruffling his hair.
"Molly!" He says in an overly excited voice mocking her excitement a little.
"Shut up, you bastard. I haven't seen you in two fucking years. I'm allowed to go Chihuahua on your ass." She shakes her head quickly as if imitating an excited puppy suffering from separation anxiety.
Derek laughs and throws his arm around her shoulders as they walk back to the entrance of the restaurant to wait to be seated.
"How's Mark?" Derek laughs.
"Why is that always the first question people ask when they see me?"
"We like him better," she says with wide eyed sincerity.
"You always have, at least," he teases, reminding her of her childhood crush on his best friend.
"Ass."
"It's not my fault you were always falling all over yourself around him."
She shrugs knowing he's right. "I got over it eventually."
"Only took you 16 years."
"Don't remind me." The hostess lets them know they can be seated so they head into the small, darkly lit space. "It doesn't look like much, but the food is awesome," she reassures him.
"Seems to be true of most of the best places," he states as they are seated at a small table for two.
"You never answered my question," she prods again.
"Mark is Mark. He likes the ladies, he misses Addie, though he obviously won't admit that to me, and he sleeps with any hot woman who will say yes." He stops when the server asks for their drink order. Molly insists that they get a Riesling and Derek bows to her choice figuring she probably knows best.
"How does he like Seattle?"
"He's getting used to it. Richard manages to get him a few interesting cases a month and he finally bought a condo so I'm pretty sure he's planning to stay for a few years at least," Derek shrugs.
"And you? Are you planning on staying in Seattle for a while?"
"I think I am. I love the land and the mountains." Derek stops to think before continuing, "I like the hospital a lot. I like teaching more than I ever though I would."
"And the girl?"
"Meredith?" Derek asks, fairly certain that his family doesn't know about the months he spent with Rose.
"The one Nancy met."
"Meredith. She's there. And she's learning and she seems to be happy, but we're not together. I fucked that up, or we fucked it up and while I'm hoping to get another shot there, I'm just glad she's alive and happy. For now."
"Alive is always good," she states giving her brother an odd look.
"She drowned in the bay about a year ago. So alive is definitely good." Derek says all this in a frank, honest tone, but he can't hide the hint of residual relief that lingers when he talks about it.
"Wow. That must have been intense," Derek laughs at this comment, shaking his head at his sister's bluntness.
"To say the least. Her mom died the same day, and then the Chief interfered and I pulled away from her, and she doesn't know how to fight for a relationship, so we ended it."
"Seems like you don't know how to fight for a relationship, either." She looks directly at him, not quite challenging him to argue, but letting him know that she's not just talking about his romantic relationships.
"Yeah," he whispers. The simple syllable caries with it a year of exhaustion and Molly just gives him a small nod in acknowledgement.
"When did you break up?"
"About a year ago, though we kept up a physical relationship till six months ago. I was dating and started seeing a nurse before Meredith asked for exclusivity. I jumped the gun and scared her off and we broke up just before the holidays. Rose and I broke up on Sunday."
Molly can't seem to keep the confused look off her face and Derek cuts her off before she can inquire further.
"I know. I'm an idiot. Lets just leave it at that."
"And now?"
"Now I'm going to take Nancy's advice." Molly scoffs at this and Derek smirks. "I know. It's a weird feeling, but she was right. I need to figure out how to quit being a selfish bastard and to do that I need to be alone for a while."
"And Meredith?"
"She's been doing the same thing for six months. She's seeing a therapist and she seems to be happy. She's never been good at faking it so I'm thinking she really is happy. It's nice to see."
There food comes and they eat in silence for a few minutes. Derek compliments the food in between bites and Molly beams back her brother.
"Mom misses you," she says quietly.
"I know."
"Promise me you'll call her soon." Molly sounds a little desperate, so Derek nods immediately.
"I promise," he replies.
She seems happy with that answer and their conversation turns to surgery and bizarre causes of death, with a few anecdotes about their nieces and nephews thrown in for good measure. Derek hugs his sister tightly before bidding her goodnight and extracting a promise that she'll visit in Seattle soon.
The rest of the weekend flies by and Derek is ready to get back to work by the time he gets back to Seattle.
His conversations with Meredith continue to revolve around their professional lives, but it seems like they spend an ever increasing amount of time in each other's company over the next few weeks and months. She's taken to bringing him coffee on days when she arrives at the hospital before him and he starts to request her for more and more of his cases as soon as she's done wither neurology rotation and is back under his neurosurgery jurisdiction.
Derek talks to Molly almost nightly and gets an e-mail from Addison every week or so. He doesn't avoid phone calls from his other sisters or mother unless he is truly busy. And slowly – achingly slowly at times – he finds himself settling back into his own skin. He's able to go home to his trailer and be quiet and alone and okay.
Two months after Derek gets back from LA, he calls a contractor and requests a new set of blue prints, this time for a smaller, two bedroom bungalow with a medium sized great room and a porch in front. His only odd request is that the house be easy to add onto in case it becomes necessary in the future. He hasn't stopped wanting a family, or Meredith for that matter, but he's done pining for them.
Still, the day they break ground in late September, Derek searches out Meredith for personal reasons for the first time in months. He grins when he finds her sitting next to an isolette holding a six-month-old patient in for a VP-shunt insertion for hydrocephalus that developed after his mother dropped the child on a sidewalk during a drunken walk to the park. She will be assisting Dr. Meyers with the surgery in the morning but she looks a little more settled in the small rocking chair than she would be if she was just doing a routine pre-op check up.
"Are you almost done for the night?" Derek asks quietly but he isn't surprised when she starts at the sound of his voice.
"Almost. Just checking up on this little guy one more time." She reaches through holes in the plexi-glass and strokes the baby's arm one more time before standing up and looking back up at Derek. "You need me for something?"
"Just wondering if you wanted to get a drink with me," he replies, his voice bright and open in an attempt to show that he has no ulterior motive.
"Um. Why?" Meredith asks, her face guarded but he detects a hint of curiosity anyway.
"Because I want to have a drink with you." She peers at him, the curiosity now obvious in her eyes. He looks back at her with what he hopes is an easy going smile and waits.
"Okay." She nods and heads for the door. "I'll meet you at Joe's in half an hour?"
"Perfect."
He's sitting at the end of the bar, his body turned so he can easily see the stairs, keeps his body language as casual as he can. He really was calm when he approached her earlier, but as he sits there and waits, he can't help but feel the nerves bubble up.
He lets out a sigh of relief when he sees her slowly descending down the hazy steps into the bar. She smiles tentatively when she spots him and heads over to sit on the stool next to him.
"What do you want tonight, Mere?" Joe asks loudly from where he's wiping down some newly washed dishes.
"Beer. That one you had me try Monday is good if you have it on tap." Joe nods and turns to pull her a pint.
Derek grabs a handful of pretzels out of the bowl between them and pops two in his mouth, sucking the salt off the twists before chewing.
"Salt and alcohol. You're only two weaknesses." Meredith smiles and thanks Joe when he sets the beer in front of him. Derek's grateful that their friend and purveyor of all things alcohol doesn't comment on him and Meredith sitting together for the first time in just under a year.
"I'm pretty sure that Molly and Mark would add women to that list, but yeah that pretty much sums it up."
"I guess I'd have to agree with that addition."
An awkward silence follows before Derek smiles at the site of Mark and Hahn walking down the steps together. The Cardio Queen caved three months ago and the unlikely pair can often be seen trying to out do each the other at the dart board in an attempt to kick the other's ass. The competition is intense enough that Derek figures there must be something interesting in it for the winner but hasn't found himself curious enough to ask.
"I totally thought Mark was lying when he told me Hahn had caved."
"You and me both."
"Am I the only one that finds it a little…ookey?" Derek snorts at her choice of words but shakes his head.
"Not at all. He gets this look when he talks about her that makes me want to clean my brain out with bleach and he hasn't even given me details."
"Exactly."
"It's good to see him happy, though," Derek admits quietly.
"Yeah. Who knows, maybe it'll last." She looks up at him as she says it, skepticism written all of her face. He laughs out loud when the both shake their heads in the negative at the same time.
"I'll believe it when I see it.
"Fair enough." Meredith takes one last, long gulp of her beer before signaling Joe for a second. "So. Why are we really here?"
Derek shrugs, "Would you believe I miss you?"
"As a partial answer, definitely. I miss you too." She settles her elbow on the bar and lets her head rest on her hand as she stares back at him.
"You've always been a smart girl."
"That's debatable." She wrinkles her nose in consternation and blows a stray hair out of her face. "So…?"
"I'm building a house. They broke ground today." He figure's throwing it out there will get the most honest reaction but he's proud of her when she waits a few seconds before answering, her face not belying what she might be feeling. She's learning.
"The house?" She queries, her face and voice still neutral.
"No," He answers in a low, slightly sad voice. "That house was all wrong. Everything about it, from the floor plan to the way I sprung it on you."
Meredith nods and takes another long drink of her beer. They don't say anything as she pops a few pretzels in her mouth, chewing slowly, deliberately, before swallowing and looking up at him.
"So tell me about the house."
"It's smaller; a bungalow with two bedrooms and a great room." He shrugs.
"What else?"
"There's two bathrooms and a little loft area on a second floor. Wood paneling outside, wood floors, a porch off the master bedroom. I figure the second bedroom can be both an office and a guest bedroom. The contractor agreed to keep it simple."
"Simple is good."
"I think so."
"So why are you telling me about this?"
Derek takes a moment to gather his thoughts before answering. "The last time I thought about building a house, I had all these plans – plans that I made for you, but not with you. And now there's this other house and it's the perfect house for a man living by himself in the middle of the woods with the trees and the views and the city sprawling out below, there but far away. I can see myself getting a dog and living out there, happy." He stops and takes a quick sip of his beer before continuing. "But here's the thing. I can definitely see myself, alone, in this house. But I can also see you, curled up on the sofa by the window, or playing with that same dog in the yard. I can still feel myself wanting that." He stops again and looks at her. She is peering at him intently, almost like she's trying to read his mind, trying to see what he's hiding in what isn't said.
"And what about what I want?"
"What you want is what you want and I'm done pushing you to want what I want. You've changed so much over the last year. You're focused and brighter and I know I never really saw you before. You have a depth to you that I'd love nothing more than spend a lifetime exploring. I love you and if me being with you drags you down, then I'm willing to let you be."
"Me being dark and twisty and unfocused was never your fault, Derek."
"I know. There was a lot going on last year and the timing was off. I believe that. We both had too many curve balls thrown at us too fast and too often to focus on a relationship and I should have known better."
"So what do you want now?"
"I want to know you. I want to learn what makes you tick, I want to call you my girlfriend and spend nights at your brothel. I want to be able to talk to you when I'm sad or happy or excited. I want to work with you. I want to get another dog. I want kids at some point, but I know I'm getting older and that that ship may have already sailed." He pauses, splaying his hands against the shiny bar top and turning towards her again. "What do you want?"
"I want to believe that you love me. I want to get through my residency and do at least one fellowship, probably in peds. I would like a dog, but not if it looked like Doc. I want to see the house you're building when it's done and mock you for its inevitable fishing motif. I want to find out if I really love you or just the thought of you, but I don't want to hurt you in the process. I also want a shower in the bathroom attached to my room but then I remember I'd never take baths if I had one and baths are good." She stops, the smiles brightly. "I want Joe to magically bring me another beer." The barkeeper looks up from where he's wiping down some bottles of liquor, obviously listening to every word they say.
Derek smiles when he hears her laugh.
"I want to take you out on a date tomorrow night." He looks up at her, hopeful.
"I might want to say yes." She quirks an eyebrow and smirks at him. "Will there be meat involved?"
Derek sucks in a breath before allowing himself to smile what Mark calls his "doofus" smile. "Sounds about right."
"Then you've got yourself a date." Meredith hops off her stool and grabs her bag. Derek throws some cash on the bar and waves a thank you to Joe, before taking Meredith's jacket off the back of her stool and offering to help her into it.
"I promise to go slow this time," he whispers sincerely into her ear as he straightens her coat collar.
"I'm hoping you won't have to," she replies, her voice equally sincere but holding no guarantees.
"I'll take it." He puts his arm around her shoulder and leads her up the stairs, then outside to their cars.
"Would it be jumping the gun to say that I want the dog to be a Great Dane?" Meredith looks up at him with mock innocence and he can't help but let out a loud laugh.
"You want a dog that's bigger than you?"
"Pretty much."
"I'll be sure to keep an eye out, then," he agrees. At this point he'd get her a horse if she begged hard enough.
"Good." As they walk up to their cars Meredith gets quiet and leans back against the driver's side door, looking up at the sky and holding tightly to Derek's hand. "We have to be careful, Derek. We have to go slow and we both need to protect our hearts. From each other and from ourselves." Derek nods sadly, hating that she's right but glad she's willing to be honest anyway. "I want this. I really do want this. With you."
"Me, too," he says rubbing his hands up and down her arms to ward off the cool, dampness and to reassure her that he gets it.
"You think we'll make it?"
"Yeah. I do." He looks down into her eyes and asks, "You?"
"Yeah." She nods as if to emphasize her answer before standing up straight and putting her arms around his neck. "I missed you. A lot." Before he can reply she kisses his cheek and turns to open the car door and climbs in. "Goodnight, Derek. See you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Mere," he replies. "Don't forget, you have a date tomorrow night." She rolls her eyes and nods before closing the door and turning on the car.
Derek stays and watches as her car pulls out of Joe's parking lot and the tail lights eventually fade from view. He slowly walks to his car, already planning out the date in his head. He knows, even as he drives toward the ferry, that she deliberately kept herself from promising him any more than tomorrow, but he'll gladly take it.
In the mean time he'll start researching Great Danes. He shakes his head and smiles like an idiot as he pulls onto the boat content, for the night, to go home alone.