Notes; Girlsuke Hanamura's Big Gay Crisis; alternatively titled, boy, this brings back memories of my own experiences.
God, life sucks in the middle of nowhere.
She's sort of gotten over it. Gotten over it in the way that she gets over an old injury, and the ache still throbs at the back of her mind, like a phantom injury deep in her joints. It's like when she fractured her elbow when she was fourteen, and it never really healed right - it still aches on days like these, with sleet sheeting from the overcast skies.
It's been five months since she moved to Inaba.
She still dyes her hair, still leans over the washbasin as she paints swathes of peroxide into her roots, watching the black bleach to light brown. She likes the sharp, chemical stink; it reminds her of home - the concrete and asphalt and steel, the hum of traffic against her windows when she goes to sleep; the cloudy, starless skies, velvety grey-purple with light pollution.
But this - Inaba, the countryside, the quiet, rural atmosphere - isn't home.
She's not sure who she's doing it for. Maybe it's to set herself apart from the girls here, the plain and homely country girls with their smooth, dark hair. Maybe it's to remind herself that she's got a boyfriend in the city, a senior named Shinya who barely returns her calls. Maybe she'll visit during the holidays, remind him of what he's missing. Maybe she does it to show the hick boys here what city girls are like, fun and wild and so much better than the girls here.
That's what she likes to think, anyway. It's not easy to pretend she isn't hurt, when she hears what the old gossips at the shopping district say, what the other girls whisper behind their hands, what the boys at school snicker to each other when they think she can't hear them. What is she hoping to get with a skirt that short. Who does she think she is, colouring and cutting her hair like that. What an attention-seeker. This isn't the city. What kind of bigshot does the think she is, just because her father owns that new Junes place.
She knows what they call her. The Princess of Junes. What the princess wants, the princess gets.
She gets tired of it, and orders a pair of headphones off of the internet, firecracker-red ringed with orange. In memory of a girl she knew - an upperclassman with gleaming pins in her hair and a mischievous smile who took kendo instead of tennis or volleyball; Minako-senpai, who was only there for a year.
Yui never saw her during the end-of-year ceremony. She's not completely oblivious; she's heard the rumours.
She wonders what sort of music Minako-senpai listened to. Something cheerful and energetic and upbeat, maybe, she thinks, and fills her playlist with power ballads and idol pop.
It doesn't stop them talking, but at least she can't hear them anymore.
.
She doesn't have many friends here. Satonaka could possibly be considered a friend, but Yui isn't too sure. Satonaka's weird, too loud and boyish and carefree about her own appearance. Amagi, on the other hand, is sort of intimidating in a frosty way, with a line of suitors stretching all the way to Okina, or something.
"Boys don't like girls that, you know," Yui says absently and Satonaka pokes her hard in the kidneys in retaliation.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Ow, shit, fuck, ow, why."
They're on the roof. Shit, it's freezing. Not really the day for sightseeing. Not really the day for surveying the rows of houses around the Yasogami campus, and realising that, shit, Inaba's so small.
Satonaka waits until Yui stops gasping for air before asking again, in the form of an elbow jab to the ribs. Elbows that sharp ought to be illegal. Yui winds her fingers through the chain-link fence and presses her nose against the mesh. "I mean, you should think about, uh, growing your hair out or something, putting some makeup on, not going around dropkicking people and pretending you're Bruce Lee ..."
"What?"
"I could lend you some magazines, if you want."
Satonaka's silent for several minutes, as though processing this information. "Hanamura," she says, not meeting Yui's eyes, "I'm not interested in what boys think."
"Wh ... what are you saying? Are you ... could you be ... do you like ... ?"
Satonaka's eyes widen in horror and she kicks Yui on the backs of her knees, hard enough to make Yui buckle. "Hahaha! Wow, no, what are you saying, don't be stupid, I'd never, you know, that's ridiculous, um."
"Ha ha," Yui repeats, and makes note to maybe keep a wide berth of Satonaka from now on. Maybe it's contagious. "Yeah, okay, well, uh. See you around, then."
.
She doesn't know why she likes Saki-senpai so much, though. Maybe it's because she's Yui's first real friend here; maybe it's because she bothered to talk to Yui when nobody else did, maybe it was because Saki-senpai was the first person who invited her to hang out.
Or maybe it's just because they're colleagues, just because Yui's the manager's daughter.
.
A new girl joins at the beginning of April.
She's another city girl, with pale grey eyes and a narrow, serious face. She writes her name on the board with swift, smooth strokes. Her kanji's impeccable - printed, almost.
There's something about her that's oddly familiar. It's welcoming, almost; like somebody she used to know.
"Where did you come from?" she asks.
Seta's eyes remind Yui of river stones; she shivers, and thinks about looking away.
"Tatsumi Port Island," Seta says and Yui feels very, very cold.
.
Maybe she finally has someone who will understand.
"So, what do you think of Inaba?"
Seta frowns, midway through tucking some musical manuscripts into her bag. She's wearing a tracksuit today instead of her blazer. Must be football practice.
"It's okay, I guess," Seta says after a while. "I like having more free time, and it's pretty great to be able to see the stars at night."
God, she's a weird one, Yui thinks as she watches Seta pack up her things.
.
Oh, god. Oh, shit. She's never going to tell anyone she saw a girl on the Midnight Channel. She's not like that, for god's sake. Her true love isn't a girl, and she most certainly doesn't look like Saki-senpai. Not like that.
Yui doesn't sleep that night.
.
"You put on a damn good show of thinkin' you're hot shit, huh, better than anyone in this shithole," a girl that looks just like her says as she checks her nails. "And why not, huh, when the alternative is admitting you have no friends? Hahaha! Wow, you're such a joke. You go on and on about all your friends in the city with their stylish hair and designer handbags, how cool and popular and trendy you were to be hanging out with them, when they really just kept you around to use you!"
"S-stop," Yui says.
"Well, not like that's anything new." Does she always look like that? Does she always look so crafty, so cruel when she smiles?
"I mean, they just needed someone to carry their bags and buy ice-cream for them, someone to lend a listening ear when they cried about breaking up with the fifth boyfriend of the semester. What else could it be, huh? Look at all those contacts on your phone, they've probably forgotten you already. When was the last time anyone called you to say hi, or how are you, dumb shit like that? Not changing your number just in case someone wanted to get a hold of you. How much more delusional can you be, huh? God, it's so pathetic to think I'm the same as you."
Yui's fingers curl around her mp3 player, hovering over the volume buttons. Maybe, just maybe if she were to raise the volume enough, she could block everything out. Just like she's been doing. Just like what she's always done.
"Th ... that's not true ..."
"And you give Chie all that crap about, oh, you know." Her shadow drops its voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Not caring what boys think. Haha, shit, like you're one to talk! Who was it that's got a senpai complex, huh, who was it that cried for days because she'd never see Minako-senpai ever again if she moved to the sticks? You're such a fuckin' hypocrite."
"You're ... you're lying! Sanae - don't listen to it, it's lying, I'm not like that!"
Her shadow places its hands over its mouth, grinning slyly at her. "Oh dearie me, you think I don't know the truth? All your dirty little secrets? Yeah, well, it's because I'm you, you see. I know everything about you!"
Yui makes to grab the golf club from Sanae's hands and lunges towards the shadow. "You're - not - me!"
.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," she says. "I ... I hope you won't think badly of me, after ... um."
Sanae pats her shoulder. "It's okay," she says. "You're still yourself."
"I guess," Yui replies and stares down at the card in her hands. She doesn't feel like much of a Magician. There's nothing magical about having her dirty laundry aired in front of someone as cool as Sanae. What's Sanae's deal, anyway? It should be illegal to look so good after whacking a giant frog monster with a golf club.
"So, this is ... my persona, huh."
They're silent for several minutes. Teddie mumbles something about getting going; that the shadows are getting restless.
Yui takes Sanae's proffered hand and allows herself to be pulled upright. "You know, your persona's cool and all, but why is my persona a frog?"
"Because you're now the Frog Princess of Junes," Sanae says with a completely straight face. Yui shoves her against one of the vending machines and regrets it instantly when a shadow slithers out of the slot.
.
"I think the person on the T.V. yesterday was ... Yukiko," Chie says doubtfully.
"I was so right," Yui says without thinking. "Is Amagi your soulmate? Is that it?"
Chie shoots her a withering look that could cook a steak all the way past well-done.
.
She doesn't like the way Chie's shadow looks at her. It gives her the heebie-jeebies, like it's going to grab her and bend her over its knee and give her a good punishing or something. She's not even into that sort of thing, too many chains and whips and weird leather masks for her liking.
"You stop that," she says. Teddie and Sanae exchange startled glances. Chie's shadow cracks its whip and, oh, god, is it her imagination, or is it making eyes at her?
Sanae throws her arm out and barks, "guard!", but it's too late for that.
Well, at least now she knows what it's like to have lightning shooting out of the top of her head, Yui thinks, dazed. When she wakes up again she's flat on the floor and Chie's clutching her hand and sobbing, apologising for kicking her into the middle of next week over her broken DVD.
.
Well, that's just great. After listening to Amagi's shadow's diatribe, Yui will never live down the Frog Prince jokes.
Sanae, to her credit, doesn't seem fazed about being called a prince. "If Yui's the frog prince, does that mean that if I kiss her, she'll turn into a handsome prince and sweep me off my feet with her garu skills?" Sanae asks like it's the most normal thing in the world.
"Ooooh, are you scoring, Sensei? Can you teach me?"
.
"Okay, I know this is a bit off-topic, but it's something I've been meaning to ask for a while and I just remembered, now that you're on the line. Who's your type? Ichijo or Nagase?"
"What?" She sounds distracted; Yui can hear the crinkle of paper in the background. "What's with the sudden question?"
"Well, y'know. Just checki- um, just asking."
"I don't know," Sanae says after a moment's thought. "I think Ai Ebihara's pretty, though."
"What? What? Ebihara? Bitchy-hara, of all people?" Okay, so after some of Sanae's remarks, she really should have seen that coming. But Sanae's her friend, and Yui's not going to judge her. God, she's not that bad.
"Well, uh, okay, then, um, who's more your type? If you, you know, go that way, I'm totally not judging. Chie or Yukiko?"
"They're nice, but I'm not interested in them in that way if that's what you're getting at. I'm hardly going to barge in, okay, I'm more civilised than that."
What the hell does that mean. "Okay, um, so if you don't like them in that way, then ... then ... what do you think about me?"
Sanae's silent so long that Yui thinks she's hung up. She's about to terminate the call when static hums against her ear as Sanae says something so quietly that Yui can barely catch it.
"You're important to me," she says, and hangs up. If Yui listens to the dial tone long enough, she thinks that maybe, just maybe, she was just imaging it.
.
It's all well and good that Sanae's her friend - her best friend, like, for real, probably the first best-best friend she's had for a long time - but that doesn't stop the twinge of resentment every time she goes off and spends time with someone else.
Well, yeah, Sanae's Miss Congeniality and Yui's happy for her and all, but she can't help but think, I knew her first. Sanae was her friend first, for crying out loud. She was Sanae's first proper friend here, too. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? First friends stick together. Birds of a feather, flock together. That's what they are - two city girls in the big, boring countryside.
It seems everyone in Inaba wants to be Sanae's friend, everybody's nice to her off the bat. It's not fair. Is that it? Is that going to be Yui's identity for the rest of her life? 'Ah, yes, Sanae Seta's friend, Yoko, was it?'
"I just help them with some of their troubles, that's all, and then things just extrapolate from there. We usually find some common ground, and before you know it, you're friends and there's no losing them," Sanae tells her as they wander through the shopping district, stocking up on supplies. She eyes the capsule machine excitedly, and rummages through her loose change. Oh, no.
"Um," Yui says as Sanae slots a coin into the machine and twiddles the knob experimentally.
"I could introduce you to some of them, maybe? They seemed to think you're just shy."
Yui's not sure whether to feel vaguely insulted or not. What is Sanae insinuating, that she can't make friends on her own?
"Well," she begins, watching as Sanae rolls up her gakuran sleeves and begins attempting to turn the rusty knob. She's certain their opinions of her aren't as kind as Sanae suggests. "I'm ... I don't really know what to talk to them about. I mean, I'm not ... like them ... and, like, you know how people are, things get really cliquish and I'm kinda like this outsider ... y'know." Or maybe Sanae doesn't know. And why would she, anyway.
Sanae pauses in her attempts to coax a capsule out of the machine long enough to meet Yui's eyes. Yui thinks of the first day she spoke to Sanae. Sanae's cool, grey eyes. Her faint smile, calm and guarded. She wonders what changed in Sanae, what made her lose that that stiffness.
"I think you're getting too caught up in the idea that you're not like them, that you're different," Sanae says. "They're all really nice, you just need to get to know them."
"Yeah, okay, sure, but then there's people like Ai Ebihara," Yui mutters and pushes her damp bangs out of her face. "Who does she think she is, being such a bitch to everyone? And she cakes on so much makeup too, wears all those fancy outfits, for what? It's hard not to notice her as it is, ugh, what an attention whore. What's there to get to know? Why are you even friends with her? And then there's all those rumours going around, about her being a skank and sleeping about with rich sugar daddies, always looking for some other sap to fall into her clutches. I mean, knowing her, I wouldn't be surprised. Hanging out with her's bad rep, Sanae-"
"Hm," Sanae says suddenly and straightens her back. Somewhere in the span of time that Yui spent ranting about Ebihara, she's managed to procure a capsule. She wipes her grimy, rust-flecked hands against her skirt and twists the capsule open, pulling out a crumpled pinwheel. It's a garish shade of orange; there's loose, calligraphic kanji running along the other side of the paper.
"Do you want to hang out this Sunday?"
"Wh- okay, sure," Yui says after a moment's consideration. Is it pathetic, that she jumps at the chance like this? God. It's been a long time since they've chatted like this, when they aren't busy trying not to die in the Midnight Channel. "Don't stand me up and go see someone else instead, all right?"
"Ha, ha," Sanae says, and tucks the pinwheel into her breast pocket. It looks ridiculous, like a weirdly-shaped orange flower. "See you around, Yui."
.
This is a joke. This has to be some kind of joke.
Yui sees Ai Ebihara standing next to Sanae as soon as she steps off the platform at Okina. She's tempted to turn tail and run, to tell Sanae that, well, sorry, but something came up at work and she has to cover someone's shift.
She's stuck in the middle of contemplating her options when Sanae turns and smiles, and beckons her over. So much for catching the first train back to Yasoinaba.
.
And yet, when Ebihara texts her the next day about cutting class with her, Yui only gives it about five seconds' thought before she replies, ok.
She thinks of her friends from the city, the girls who encouraged her to cut class with them, the ones who went wild with their parents' money. She can barely remember their names or faces now.
Just like old times, she thinks glumly as she tucks her chair under her desk.
.
"... there's no such thing as a relationship without ulterior motives," Ebihara says.
Yui stares at her. "Wh ... what?"
Ebihara gives her a look that Yui interprets as midway between scathing and pitying. "Everybody's just using each other, of course. You're using Sanae because she's popular, aren't you? You think that because everyone likes her, they'll like you by association. You trying to ride on her coattails or something?"
"I'm not! And what about you then, huh, you think you can just say shit like that to my face?"
Jiraiya's aching for a fight. Yui squares her shoulders and crosses her arms over her chest, tries to make herself as intimidating as she can. Ebihara isn't impressed.
"I'm using her because she's too nice," she says, almost dismissively. "I'm using her because I want someone to be nice to me. Huh, why am I even telling you this?"
"You could start by being, you know, nice to other people," Yui blurts out. Ebihara's expression doesn't change when she casually moves her foot and matter-of-factly treads on Yui's toes.
"You're barking up the wrong tree, Hanamura," she says and laughs, short and sharp.
.
Too good for this sinful earth. That's the sort of impression she gets from Sanae. Sanae, who tutors children and looks after her Nanako and cooks lunch for everybody and volunteers at the daycare and does odd jobs by moonlight. Sanae, who visits people's relatives at the hospital and cleans floors and chitchats with old widows on her weekends. Sanae, who fits even more in the TV world than she does outside it and wears the mantle of leadership like it's nothing, like she was born into the role. She even puts up with Ai Ebihara, Queen Bitch Extraordinaire of Yasogami.
Yui can't remember when was the last time they spoke properly.
.
She pulls her curtains shut. It's foggy outside, so thick she can't see beyond three feet.
It's so easy for Sanae. Maybe it's the easy familiarity with which she talks, the charisma that subtly shifts and ripples depending on who she talks to. Maybe it's because she always knows what's the right thing to say, and when not to say anything.
Sometimes, Yui gets a cold, sinking feeling in her stomach, something that eventually coalesces into something she can identify.
Envy, Jiraiya whispers and she shudders. It's on nights like these that her shadow's voice becomes the keenest, and she remembers that Jiraiya is born of her and her shadow and everything about herself that she wanted to hide. That Jiraiya is also her shadow, temporarily fettered and packaged for her convenience, so that even she forgets the bitterness, the resentment that lodges in the back of her throat.
The fog rolls past her window, slow and languid and sickly yellow by the glare of flickering streetlamps. She turns up the volume of her music, up, up, up, until she feels like her head is going to split open, until she thinks Jiraiya will claw through the fissures in her skull, until she feels like maybe, just maybe it'll drown out everything.
.
She thinks she hates Ebihara. Ebihara, who uses her just like the girls in the city. Ebihara, who called her stupid and naive for thinking her friendships meant anything. Ebihara, who's still as much of a bitch as ever despite whatever Sanae says.
... and yet, she hesitantly pats Ebihara on the shoulder after she has a breakdown over Ichijo's crush on Chie. Well, that's awkward, Yui thinks. Ichijo's barking up the wrong tree too, as far as she can tell. Boys.
"Ch-cheer up," she says. They're huddled on the second-floor stairwell behind all the classrooms, playing truant yet again. Like that's anything new. "Ichijo's a dope, anyway." She casts around helplessly for nice things to say. Shit, she used to be good at this. "He, uh, he doesn't know what he's missing out on?"
"You don't understand!" Ebihara bawls. Sanae eyeballs Yui warningly as if to say, please don't say anything stupid, now's not the time. Yui frowns back and pulls a face.
"I used to be fat and clumsy, my family was poor, and everyone at school used to bully me ... and after my family came into their money they changed their tune and got jealous of us and after we moved here I knew it was my ticket to start over, and I studied all th-those fashion magazines and got into shape just to show them ... show them all ... but it looks like it was all for nothing, I thought I couldn't be loved unless I was p-pretty and now that I am, nobody loves me anyway. I'll never be loved, will I?" She laughs jerkily. "It's so ironic! My name's Ai, but nobody loves me."
"There, there," Sanae says and squeezes Ebihara's shoulder. "I'll punch Ichijo for you later, how about that?"
"O-oh, Sanae ..." What a relief, Ebihara starts to laugh, a low, jerky hiccough. She dabs at her eyes, careful not to mess up her eyeliner. "You're too nice to me. I should've fallen for you, huh?"
Sanae laughs mildly. "I guess."
"Tell you what," Ebihara says. "Why don't you and I just go out?"
Yui's glad she's not holding anything breakable. Also, why does her jaw hurt. Oh, right, because it's open and she feels like the world's zooming past her and condensing into a single point somewhere behind her head. "Wait, what?"
Sanae shrugs and says, "sounds good to me."
Oh my god, Yui wants to scream down the stairwell, am I the only straight person in this school?
.
Okay. Okay. Yeah, sure, she's not surprised. She's always known Sanae was. Kind of. Like that. Because, well, who even said things like that so casually? She totally doesn't have a problem with it. Sanae's her best friend, for crying out loud. She has to accept her best friend for who she is.
You're just jealous, Jiraiya whispers when she rolls over in bed the next morning and flips open her phone to check the time. God, the entire Kanji debacle sure was something. Everything hurts and her head's been buzzing since she climbed out of the T.V. As if Creepy Dominatrix Chie wasn't enough, Creepy Rosebush Kanji had really gone to town with the zio spells and beating her while she was down.
"I'm not jealous!" Yui says to her reflection in the screen. Jiraiya's laughter accompanies her all the way to school. God, her persona's a total dick.
.
On the plus side, she's not dead after this week's exciting installment of Mystery Food X.
On the other hand, this feels like some sort of weird sleepover. Yui's not even sure what to talk about. She'd never really been invited to one, and she doesn't think her mother would have approved of the company she used to keep.
"We're very sorry about earlier," Yukiko whispers. "I guess we should have listened to your advice ... ? Maybe I should have guessed something was wrong when the curry turned ... purple ..."
"Oh, well, you know," Sanae says, trying to sound cheerful. Yui's stomach gives an audible growl; she clears her throat loudly, trying to disguise the sound. When Sanae catches her eye, Yui finds herself staring at her lashes, at her mussed fringe. She looks away as Sanae says, "it's, uh, always good to try new things?"
"You don't have to be so nice about it," Yukiko says. "I'd say something like, 'we'll make it up to you!' ... but that's probably not something you'd want now, hahaha ..." She trails off dejectedly. "After all that effort we put in, too ..."
"Say, Sanae," Chie says suddenly. She sounds nervous. What could she be nervous about? It's not like she didn't nearly commit manslaughter earlier in the evening, or anything. "I heard you and ... Ai Ebihara ... are dating?"
"Mm, I guess you can say that," Sanae replies and rolls over in her sleeping bag. It rustles ostentatiously. "I'm really just giving her some emotional support for a while, though, until she works things out."
"O-oh, um, I see! Gee, that's nice of you."
Yui can feel her back cramping up. Just her luck, to be stationed over a tree root. "Say, uh, Chie, since we're on the topic, I've been wondering as well ..."
"What?" Chie says. Somewhere beyond her, Yukiko begins to snore gently.
"I mean, um, about that whole ... not caring what boys think thing. I-I want you to be honest with us."
"What?" Chie says again, this time a bit louder than necessary.
"A-are you, really, you know ...?"
"What? What are you trying to say? Spit it out before I kick you!"
"What I mean is, uh, am I going to be safe alone with you? I mean, Sanae's sort of like that too and Yukiko's your best friend, but ... like, um."
In the silence, Sanae snorts very, very softly.
"Look I know you're close to Yukiko and you two can be whatever you want and that's fine and I'm totally not judging or anything but you two aren't like together-together you know and Sanae's with Ebihara so I guess that's cool and all but like what I'm saying is you won't have a crush on me will you?" Yui says in one breath.
Oh. That's interesting. In the dim light, it almost looks as though Chie's turning the same colour as the curry was earlier.
"What the hell's wrong with you, I already told you I'm-!"
"What? What? Oh my god, don't trail off like that, you're freaking me out!"
"I'm going to beat the crap out of you!" Chie leaps out of her sleeping bag - and Yui has time to admire how she can land right on her feet, she could've sworn Chie'd been lying down just a second ago -
.
"... and that's how I got kicked out of the tent," she tells Ebihara. "But it is pretty incredible how she can jump up like that when she's like, lying down. The full horizontal. It's harder than it looks-"
Ebihara bursts into a fit of laughter. Wow, rude. Yui's never heard her sound so ... so unbecoming before. Ozawa from the drama club rolls over as pointedly as she can; Ebihara ignores her.
"Well, you asked for it, pissing Satonaka off like that. God, you're so dumb, Hanamura."
Yui bristles. "Hey, screw you, that was uncalled for!"
"Oh, Hanamura," Ebihara says, all pityingly and such, once she's recovered her breath. In the dim, bluish glow of her cellphone screen, Yui can only see half of Ebihara's face.
A thought flickers through Yui's mind - fleeting, unconscious. She looks a little like Saki-senpai, without the light glinting along the bleached honey-gold of her hair. Something about that realisation makes her stomach clench, makes it fold in upon itself.
"One day, you'll get it."
"Get what?"
"You're so transparent, it'd almost be cute if you weren't so pathetic about it."
"What? C'mon, can it with the riddles, okay-"
"Partner," Ebihara says and Yui freezes. "You call her partner, Hanamura. Come on, I don't know what you think you're playing at."
Gee, she's so glad to see Ebihara back to her usual, bitchy self. Yui bristles and snaps, "what's that supposed to mean?", but Ebihara's already turned her back to her.
.
Oh, god. Oh god, oh god, oh god, Rise's really cute when she's not all gloomy. Like, really cute. Real cute. So cute that Yui doesn't even know how to respond when Rise starts flirting with her. Is she flirting? Yui feels herself going into a daze. Nobody's really flirted with her before. Shinya sure didn't, anyway. She doesn't even know if they're still supposed to be a thing.
... wait. She freezes, midway through trying to formulate a response to Rise's questions. What Sanae said all those months ago, in Yukiko's castle about kissing frog princes and sweeping her off her feet. Was that. Was that flirting? Oh, god, that was totally flirting and she didn't even notice. Oh, god.
.
Oh god, what did that even mean. She's not even as upset over it as she's trying to force herself to be. Well, yeah, Sanae's always been kind of of weird like that but when she puts it that way, it does sound sort of nice and not weird at all.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
.
"You know, um, Sanae, I just wanted to tell you something, uh, something. It has to do with, um, Ebihara-san."
"Oh?" Sanae tugs at her fishing line, but doesn't reel it in. "Fire away."
"Promise me you won't get mad, okay?"
"Mm."
Yui stares out into the river, watching the setting sun rippling against the water's surface. "Ebihara was telling me about how there can never be relationships without ulterior motives." When Sanae doesn't say anything, she steamrollers on. "And ... and she was telling me ... about how she was using you before."
Sanae's fishhook bobs, and then disappears.
"She said she was using you because you're too nice, how she wanted someone to be nice to her. Look, no offence or anything, and I'm totally not jealous, but ... like ... I think ... she's using you too, in this, uh, relationship you're having. Like, she asked you to be her, um, girlfriend for a reason and she's using you because of that."
If vocalising ellipses were an Olympic sport, Yui's sure Sanae would be a world champion.
"And ... like ... I have the feeling she only got with you to get back at Ichijo, like, y'know how guys go wild at the thought of two girls being together in that way, stuff like that? I-I think that's what she's getting at, getting revenge on him or something and showing him he's missing out on some good stuff. A-and! I'm only telling you this because you're my best friend and I don't want to see you hurt, okay, you mean a lot to-"
"It's okay, Yui," Sanae says, and reels her line back in. The bait's gone, bitten clean off the hook. She frowns, and stares at her empty bait bucket, as if thinking about it hard enough will force something into existence. "She told me the same thing a long time ago, and I figured this would be something to do with that. I'm just playing along until she figures things out, and where she wants to go from here."
Yui frowns, shielding her eyes against the setting sun. "So ... you're just saying it to make her feel better?"
Sanae smiles, a flat, tired little curve that settles at the corner of her mouth. "I wonder," she says, and gathers up her fishing equipment.
.
Sanae starts spending a lot of time with Rise after that.
"How do you feel about it?" Yui asks Ai, out of a morbid sense of curiosity. They're on the roof today, eating topsicles. Ai shrugs. She's been looking downcast for a while, though Yui'd never really been interested in asking.
"Doesn't really matter anymore. We broke up last week, anyway. If she wants to date Kujikawa, that's her call."
"What? Why didn't you say any-uh, never mind."
"I finally came clean about why I was dating her, but I guess she knew all along. Pathetic, huh?" Ai smiles, cold and brittle. "She was so nice about it to the end, I felt so horrible for doing that to her. I guess that's all water under the bridge, now. We're still friends, but ... I'm really scared of losing her."
"Yeah, I. I get what you mean," Yui says. She thinks about the time she's spent with Sanae; about that stupid frog prince line. Was that it? Was that the point when she'd started to feel weird about Sanae? Was that what it meant? What if it was just her being nice, in her own weird way? Shit, she's not gay. Well, Sanae certainly is to some extent. Did she mean it in a gay way? What did that say about her? About Yui? Yeah, she likes Sanae and all, but does she like her in a gay way? Oh no, oh god, did Sanae turn her gay?
She thinks about Ai's confession to Sanae, if it can even be called that. 'You're too nice to me. I should've fallen for you, huh?'
Ai gazes soberly out over the rooftops, whacking an erratic tempo against the floor tiles with her topsicle stick. Yui can hear the beat from her headphones matching Ai's, and remembers, belatedly, to lower the volume of her music.
"You know, I thought you were a real bitch when you first transferred in. Sanae was really too nice about you when she told me you were just really shy. Haha, bullshit."
"Haha, wow, don't hold back or anything," Yui says sarcastically. "But I guess since we're doing Honesty Hour, I thought you were a total skank and an attention whore."
"Well, Kujikawa's probably even more of one."
"Hey, you take that back, she's nicer than you'll ever be, and at least she doesn't skip class all the time and encourage the rumours."
Ai arches a brow. They're silent for several minutes, watching as a flock of starlings take off from the torii of the shrine.
"Never thought I'd ever be friends with you," Yui remarks. "And yet here we are, commiserating on the rooftop with ice-cream. Never thought I'd see this day. What next, sleepovers and braiding each other's hair? Wanna paint our nails? How does the black of the endless existential void sound?"
"Never thought I'd ever be on speaking terms with Princess Junes herself," Ai says. "Though I'd have thought after all these months your sense of style would have gotten less tacky. Red pants and orange high-tops, really? Is that what you wore at the city? You look like you have cankles. Maybe I should take you out shopping sometime. Here, this is your formal promotion from bag-carrier to shopping partner. Congratulations."
"Bitch," Yui says half-heartedly. "Sanae thinks my pants're cool, she told me that the first time we went out on a weekend. I'm sure she also thinks my legs look fine, thanks for asking."
Ai smiles, a shit-eating grin that reminds Yui of a cat with the cream. God, she hates cats. Why does Sanae even like them so much.
.
She ends up making out with Ai in the practice building, long after everybody's gone.
Maybe it's the fact that Ai looks a little like Saki-senpai at times. Maybe it's the fact that, shit, she's never kissed anybody before, let alone a girl. Maybe it's Ai's easy, nonchalant sexuality and its feverish burn against Yui's skin; maybe it's the fact that Yui suspects she gets with girls and guys alike because she's still hung up about nobody wanting her.
God, she understands. She understands and she hates it and, worse still, it hurts.
"I never asked for this," she says very quietly.
She doesn't know when she started to cry; she doesn't know when Ai's kiss turned chaste and gentle, when Ai folded her arms around Yui and let her cry messily onto her blouse. "I'm sorry," Yui wants to say; "I just wanted to be special to someone," she says instead. Ai's fingers curve reassuringly around her shoulders and she just says, "I know".
Long after Ai leaves, Yui can still smell her perfume, faint in the still air.
.
God, she's pathetic. Liking people just because they're nice to her. Just because they take pity on her, maybe.
.
"You know," she says, and skims a stone across the Samegawa's surface. It skips once, twice, thrice, before sinking. "I always wanted to be special to someone. I thought my life would have meaning if I was special to someone."
It's Sanae's turn. She selects a rock and lobs it. It lands in the water with a splash, and she smiles ruefully.
"... but I realised after I met you that, well, that just being born, living your life ... somewhere along the way, you become special to someone before you know it. It's not really something you can force, I guess. I just wish I knew that sooner and didn't waste all my time in the city, haha."
"I'm glad you sorted that o-"
"And ... like ... uh, you-you're special to me too, you know?"
She can feel Sanae's gaze moving towards her and hurriedly dips her head. "I ... um. I'm going home!" she says, and jumps to her feet before Sanae can say a word.
.
She can't do it.
She's been avoiding Sanae for a week. What is she supposed to say? 'Okay, so I gave Chie a lot of shit about being sort of gay but I guess I was just trying to deflect suspicion from myself or something'. Or what if this is a great big misunderstanding? Or, worse still, what if Sanae had meant it but it'd taken her so long to get what she meant and come to terms with it that Sanae just got fed up of waiting and lost interest?
Yui wonders if she'll be able to talk her family into moving to a new town. She's heard Junes branches are having a lot of success in other places.
.
It's been two weeks. Sanae acts like nothing has happened, like Yui didn't spill her guts by the river and run away with her face in her hands. It's as though nothing has changed; Sanae still hands her medicine beads in battle, still bandages her cuts and scrapes after an encounter gone awry. She still walks home with Yui after they're done for the day, still invites her out for lunch on the rooftop even though Yui turns her down every time.
Yui stares down at her bandaged fingers. Two days ago, they were stuck to her knives after a bout of agidynes. She doesn't remember what was worse - the ache from the burns, or the gentleness of Sanae's hands as she daubed burn gel on her palms and wound clean gauze around her fingers.
It's not you, she wants to say. It's me.
.
Rise starts to notice, and walks back with her after they're done with the TV world.
"What's wrong?" she asks. Yui looks away from her, as though that will stop Kanzeon from seeing through her. It's so unfair. Unfair that Himiko's already changed, while Yui's lagging behind with Jiraiya.
"You should walk home with Sanae," Yui says, feeling extremely stupid. "Don't, uh, don't waste your time on me! I'm fine, ahahaha ... ha."
"Yui-senpai," Rise says. Her mouth's set into a thin, worried line. "Don't try to hide things from me, you should know better than that. What's bothering you?"
It's warm tonight; Yui can feel the sweat dripping down the back of her neck. "Are you ... are you happy with Sanae?"
"What?"
"Is Sanae ... happy with you?"
"What are you talking about?"
Yui tries to clench her fingers. Anything, to feel something. She imagines the blisters on her knuckles splitting; she imagines the sharp sting of pain, even though she can't feel anything except for a numb, distant throbbing at her fingertips. "You're ... you're, uh, together, aren't you? I hope you two are ... having a great time together. I hope you're making each other very happy."
Rise's steps slow; she smiles sadly, and shakes her head. "You've got it all wrong, Yui-senpai," she says. Yui isn't sure whether it's just the heat of the day, something in her eyes, or whether Rise's crying. This is so awkward, she thinks dismally.
"Senpai's ... she ... we're not ... not how you think," Rise says finally, and walks away.
.
There's something I want to tell you. Meet me at the Samegawa?
Yui folds the lined notepaper once, twice, into quarters and eighths and clutches it in her palm. She can feel the corners digging into her skin.
She leans forward as far as she can and slips it into Sanae's pocket. She remembers, belatedly, that Sanae's got some club meeting or another to attend today. Well, shit. All the better for her to psych herself up into running away again, then.
.
She doesn't run away. At least, not this time.
.
Sanae jogs to the riverbank, her hair slicked into sweaty spikes. It's grown out a bit since the last time they hung out. Yui isn't sure why she's noticing this.
"Sorry about that," Sanae says. She looks like she's emptied the contents of a water bottle over her head. "Practice ran a bit late. What's up?"
"I," Yui says and swallows. "I've been thinking about what I told you last time."
"Okay." Sanae sits down next to her and wraps her arms loosely around her knees. Yui suddenly feels very warm, and wonders whether it's due to Sanae or the weather. The cicadas are loud this time of the year, their sawing a dull, droning whine in her ears.
"I was ... jealous of you at first, because you seemed so. So special. Without trying, without being here that long, everybody could see there was something special in you and I ... I hated that. I thought it wasn't fair, you know? No matter where I went, I was never anything important to anyone, a-and here you are, being everything I wanted to be and more."
Sanae turns to look at her, squinting slightly against the sun. "I'm sorry."
"No! No, I mean, um, no, don't be. Look, I've, I've just been thinking about it in the past few weeks, when I called you ... special ... and all. I think ... I think I wanted to be acknowledged by you the most. Y'know, like. Ah, shit. I thought about it more, and I think I understood why you set me up with Ai, of all people. But, you know, I also thought more about ... well, you. What I feel about you."
She jumps to her feet; Sanae stares at her in confusion, but uncrosses her legs and follows suit.
"I didn't know whether I wanted to be you or be with you," Yui says. She doesn't know why she feels so reckless, why she doesn't feel like turning right around and projectile-vomiting into the bushes instead. "God, you, you always somehow make me say embarrassing stuff like that, and, well, the truth is, I thought about it really long and maybe I took things the wrong way, I don't know and maybe if I did I'm really sorry to put you in place like this, it was really confusing because I thought you were being nice and you're nice to everyone but I wasn't used to someone being so nice to me like that and nobody's ever said anything like that to me before and I just, I just, uh."
Sanae's quiet. Maybe that's a good sign. Maybe it's a really, really bad sign. Yui doesn't know. She doesn't want to know.
"My biggest fear was not being able to say this until it was too late, until you were about to leave," she says. "I know this sounds ... really selfish ... but. Please don't go. I ... I like you. T-there's a lot I'm grateful for in the past year, but the biggest thing ... I think it was that I met you."
Shit, shit, shit. She feels sick. Is it heatstroke? She hopes it's not heatstroke.
"It took me a long time before I could muster the courage to say this to you, to your face. Then I thought, y-you know what? I've got to stop running. I've run enough from my feelings, from what I want, and I've got to confront these things head-on. You taught me that, Sanae, and I'm grateful for everything you've done for me. So ... now ... I guess I have no regrets, even if I made a fool of myself in front of you, even if nothing comes of this."
Sanae starts to laugh, soft and awkward. "... well, and here I thought I was chasing a lost cause."
"I ... what? No, hey, stop laughing, this is serious! I just bared my heart to you and you're going to laugh?"
"Better late than never," Sanae says. She's got the weirdest smile on her face. Yui shoves her, half-heartedly, and pulls away. "Ick, you're all sweaty, gross! And ... ah, geeze, stop changing the subject!"
Sanae stops laughing and says, "I like you too" without preamble; Yui can feel her face turning red to the tips of her ears.
"D-d-d-don't just say it like that like it's nothing!"
"Then what do you want me to say?" Sanae clears her throat and raises her voice to a breathy sigh, swooning into Yui's arms. "Oh, Frog Prince Yui, you've thoroughly swept me off my feet with your impassioned declaration and I can't get back up, ooh Majestic Froggy Highness Yui, you've whisked my heart away with your ruggedly powerful garu spells and-"
"Dumbass," Yui says. Sanae slings her arm around Yui's neck and kisses her.
It takes everything she has to not drop Sanae. Oh shit, oh no, this is weird, maybe she should close her eyes, she thinks when she realises she's staring at Sanae. She's sixteen years old and hasn't really kissed anyone properly before, and, oh god, what is she supposed to do?
"I'm, uh, I'm glad you, uh, you like me too," she says when Sanae pulls away. "I just, er, wanted you to know that even if you didn't I'm glad you're here and I'll always be here for you even if-"
Sanae smiles and says, "I know," and Yui wonders why she ever ran away.
.
Susano-O rises behind her, faint and shimmering in the late afternoon sun.