Many thanks to Alcy, Ouisa, and SB, all of who helped out with this story in one way or another. This story was inspired by the music of Lifehouse and Toad the Wet Sprocket.
Hey Edward
Hey Edward. I know that you are out hunting with Emmett and Rosalie, but I wanted you to know that I found the iPod. It was really sweet of you to buy it for me, but I can't accept it. We've had this discussion before; my feelings for you are based on who you are, not what you can give me. You don't need to prove anything to me. I love you and will see you when you get back.
End of message. To delete this message press seven. To save it in the archives press nine. To hear more options press zero…
My finger hovered over the seven key for a long second before I quickly pressed nine and ended the call. Slowly, I slipped the cell phone into my pocket, briefly fingering the bottle cap also kept there. My mind twisted in anguished thoughts, far away from where she was, my words having torn us worlds apart. Lying here beneath the stars, I missed her, wished she was here with me. The torture of her voice was draining. I wasn't sure why I continued to listen to the message. Perhaps it was masochism, wanting to be near her any way I could; or maybe it was to convince myself that I had done the right thing.
When I left Forks, I had been so positive about my decision, but now, when I was a continent away in South America, doubt began to creep in. The night sky, in all its tranquility was a perfect juxtaposition to the turmoil inside me. I missed everything about her. The way the sun lit up her face, the warmth of her body, the beating of her heart. All the little things that I had never realized meant everything to me. I especially missed the short time we had had together, the time she would eventually erase from memory. I hoped that some small part of her knew that I missed her, that I still loved her.
But she was safe, safe from the monstrous world I had brought her halfway into. A part of me had wanted to tell her everything when I left, to explain to her why I wanted her to live a normal life. The stronger part of me had just wanted to make a clean break. Now all I wanted was the quiet I had found here, the peaceful silence. That was the real reason I had left my family. Although I felt a sense of obligation to track down Victoria, I couldn't stand to be near them. Alice, Emmett, even Jasper… it was almost as if they all carried a small piece of her with them. The reminders were too painful. If I was to be lonely for the rest of my existence, I was to be lonely, but that pain would be more bearable.
The only reassurance that I was not totally alone came from my infrequent phone calls to Esme and from the Voicemail. I really should have deleted it, but couldn't bring myself to do so. The message was months old, something I had forgotten to erase that had suddenly become my lifeline. A part of her that I could carry with me, just like the pieces of me, both tangible and the intangible, that I had left under the floorboards in her bedroom. Although I would never have those pieces of me again, they gave me a strength I would otherwise never have found. Strength just knowing that she had them. The thought that she had loved me despite who and what I was would be enough to sustain me.
Although it was a frightening prospect, living without her, I would endure the coldness of this existence to keep her safe and happy. I had been cold for over eighty years before I met her; I could last another eighty until she died. I would have the warm asylum offered by her voicemail to sustain me. Eventually, I would return to my family, be able find some type of balanced existence.
A tiny star shot across the sky, its radiance reminding me of Bella and the light she had brought into my life. The thought of her conjured more memories of the things I missed, seemingly insignificant to anyone else, but paramount to me. The flowers in the meadow, laughing together in the halls between classes, my brothers and sisters arguing like children over baseball. Things I could no longer take for granted. Things I could never forget. Music in my bedroom, driving to the ocean, singing her to sleep, running through the forest, and standing in the wind.
Thinking of all these things, seeing visions of them dancing through my head, made me feel lonely, but not alone. If I closed my eyes, I could envision her lying here beside me. I wanted to crawl inside that dream and feel her near me; I wanted it so badly my body shook. Steeling myself against the inevitable pain, I tried to steer my thoughts back to the reasons I had left. She was safe, she was going to be happy, and she was going to live a normal life. She could marry a normal boy and have children. I cringed at the thought, the excruciating pain ripping a hole through my chest. The urge to leave now, return to Forks and beg her forgiveness was strong and compelling.
My fists clenched. I couldn't deny her the right to be a happy, normal human, no matter how much it hurt me. I focused on the night, trying to steer my thoughts away from the agony. I searched for anybody nearby, hoping to find someone's mundane thoughts to focus on, something—anything—to take me away from the misery. No one was near; I was alone. Exhaling, I continued staring at the sky until some of the tension left my body. I would get through this. In time, the pain and agony would fade and my sacrifice would be worth it.
Sighing, I reached into my pocket for the cell phone.