2010

It was a day, just like any day, except this day, I woke up to a louder version of the chaos that is usually brought upon my morning.

"Henry Daniel!" Regina shouted, "what the f-f-uck is this?"

Oh shit, I thought as I threw the sheets off me, and went out to face the monster my wife became when she was brought to say the F word, in a t shirt and underwear. I saw her throwing clothing out the door, then a laptop, a television, and I started walking faster, "Regina!" I called, an alarm clock, "hey!" I peeked around the door, to see Henry and a girl hiding under the blankets on his bed, as far away as they could.

"You have no respect!" She yelled, louder than she had since I crashed her car, the exact same words "get out! Get out!" She stomped, and I almost laughed, but it wasn't funny, because she was so pissed.

"Ma!" Henry said when he saw me, then Regina whipped around.

My eyes opened wide, as I was about to get the best of this, "did you know about this?" She asked, "huh? Our son has been having sex, in our house!"

"Uh." I replied, I hadn't known, but where else was he going to do this? School? Please, no. My son has class. "No?" I replied.

Then she laughed, "right, but what should I believe you? You told him he could drink here, too, so why not turn our house into the town brothel instead!"

"Regina, how about we go-"

"Shut up!" She screamed, I jumped back, "get her out!"

"Regina!" I yelled, she whipped around, eyebrows raised, "look, I'm mad, too, but let's at least give the girl five minutes to get dressed and,"

"You're right!" She replied, "we can take her home, and tell her parents all about her little escapade." She looked to the girl, pretty girl, but her hair was faded blue, so I guess it made me wonder where my son found her, and if he used protection, but I couldn't ask in front of her, she was already crying.

I shook my head at Henry and his friend, "okay, hon, come on, we'll meet them downstairs." I said, wrapping my arm around her shoulder as she exited, "you okay?"

She jerked away from me and down the stairs, directly into the laundry room, where she threw on a pair of sweats and a zip up hoodie. "You look gorgeous when you're throwing girls out of our son's room."

She glared at me, but with the hit of a smile as she tucked a picked of hair behind her ear. "I want her out."

"I know, but it would only add insult to injury if you saw her naked too, she might take it as you hitting on her, then sue us for sexual harassment and emotional trauma."

Then she smiled, and I remembered that I wasn't the one in trouble, because I'm a grown ass woman, also married to her, we're basically equal.

Except she's scary and I am that parent that everyone loves and talks to her kid's friends about sex and what acid was like before people stopped making it right.

Regina is the mom who kid's ask if she wants help doing the dishes, where they ask me if I can order them pizza. Which I do, because they eat it with me and talk to me about tattoos.

I guess that's just because I never wanted to be a parent, or I never thought about it. I never wanted to get married or sign a lease, and it's funny to look back on a time where I hated everything that I have become. I guess i never gave it a chance, because I never met someone who I would want to spend a lifetime with, or sign a lease with. I never met someone who I could stand long enough to find out their birthday, let alone forget it.

I never knew that I could love someone even when they were screaming before I had brushed my teeth, but I did and I do. I have, for the better part of my life.

She was running around the kitchen 5 minutes later, having received a phone call from work, now she was screaming at herself, and at me.

"Fuck, Emma," she cursed, slamming her phone on the counter, "I need to leave."

I nodded, moving around the island, "what's wrong."

She shook her head, taking mouthwash from underneath the sink, "my patient," she smiled, after spitting, so her teeth were a bit blue, "he woke up."

I grinned, because it was adorable, and amazing, "that's great." I told her.

She took a drink from the faucet before pulling her hair up and rushing past me, "I have to go."

"Okay." I said, and I shouldn't feel sad, because she had saved a life and I should be proud, but a part of me wanted her to stay. "Regina," I said quietly.

Then she turned around, she had that sparkle in her eyes, she smiled, like she'd forgotten about the past twenty minutes, "yeah?"

"I," I shook my head, then moved to hug her tightly, "I'm glad he's awake." I said, and she hugged me back, sighing into my hair.

"Me, too." She replied, pulling back to grin baby-wide once more, "I gotta go." She said, and I watched with my thumb nail in my mouth as she slammed the door after her. Then I placed my hand on my stomach as it began to twist and turn.

But I shook it off, because I had a hooligan to deal with.

It was all going to be fine.

2010

Something that was always strange to me was how people deal with loss. I never really lost people, you know, the most I ever lost was my fuckin' dignity, but hey, who hasn't. The thing about that is, you can always find that shit. You can't find someone who dies, which is weird. It doesn't make sense to call it loss, if it can't be found?

I call bullshit.

If I look at the ceiling long enough, I start to see shapes, a whole world within my own. I liked to give the people, the ponies, the shapes, a life. The green string man over by the window, just found a slice of pie that he wanted to spend his life with, but they only knew each other through the spider web, she lived over by the dresser.

They couldn't meet, and they hated that their love was from a distance, but they sent messages through the dust vine, so no one else could see. Except me, they prayed to me each night to bring them to one another, soon they started to think that I wasn't listening to them, and I wasn't, I was too concerned with the half nipple by the door.

That was a story.

"Swong!"

"Ji-eh," I jumped, or cringed at the sound of Ruby's voice. I sat up in a gasp, pulling my greasy hair into a bun, a cinnabun. That's what I named it, who knows. Then, pounding feet up the steps, and before a second my door cracked open and Ruby stood in all her glory.

"Wassup bitch?" She asked, "I brought you your fucking kids."

I sniffed, "someone is extra vulgar today, yes?" I asked.

Ruby chuckled, "yeah, well, I've been saving it for you. You should be fucking proud of me! I only cussed like," she paused, "six times these past couple of days."

"Wow, you should get paid to do this."

"Right?" She replied happily, "so what's been up? You doin' better?"

I shrugged and smiled, "I'm good."

"Okay, I wasn't going to say this, I'm trying to be nice, but I think we're past this point," she sighed, "you fuckin' stink. Like, really."

"Okay," I laughed.

"Really." She nodded. "I'm not being nice, like 'oh hey, you kinda smell a lil' funky.' No, I mean, 'you haven't fucking showered for days and I can tell, so if you get in right now, I can stay,'"

"You were staying anyway." I scolded. Ruby just wore that shit eating grin.

I moved into the bathroom and began to rid myself of my clothes, now I could smell it, and it was me. I smelled bad, and it's pretty shit when you can smell your own stench and wanted to walk away.

I closed my eyes as my sweats fell to the ground, along with the panties that were loose enough to head with them. With a sigh, I went to turn on the water.

When I did, the familiar chill when down my spine, but instead of turning around I closed my eyes and held my breath.

"You aren't her." I said firm as I could.

After a few minutes, just after I allowed myself to breath, "then who am I?" She asked.

I gasped, surprised when I shouldn't' have been, "fuck."

"I don't know about that." She replied.

"Please stop, please," I began to feel grief overcome me, "stop." I wanted to turn around and be selfish, to see her, even though I knew it would be bad, but I wanted to see her so bad.

"You never used to ignore me in the bathroom." Her tongue clicked, "well, not always."

I almost laughed, "funny."

"Yeah, I should write it down."

Then I did laugh, "you know you won't."

She sighed, and I could feel the cool air, "you're right. Emma," she said quietly. "Emma, look at me." I hand landed on my back, and I froze, as if it were a bullet lodged in the columns and I was paralyzed.

"I can't." I said. "I want," I breathed, shook my head, "I want to, but I can't, Regina."

The hand fell away, then there were footsteps, "I miss you." I nodded. "I wish you would see me."

My throat constricted, "are you going?"

"For now." She replied, and just as soon as, the heaviness left the air and I couldn't breathe again.

"Fuck," I said in a breathe, falling to the floor, finally looking to where she was, and waiting a moment before stepping into the boiling spray of water.

There is this feeling, it feels like my body is moving faster than my mind or maybe it's the other way around.

1994

Her hair whipped away in the wind, hitting her in the face as it came around. She would try to spit it out, pull strands from between her teeth, but it always found it's way back because she couldn't stop smiling. I would look over at her, she would glare at me.

"Eyes on the road, Bird!" She would yell.

We were driving up the pacific coast, Henry, just a new life, was sound asleep in the back seat. Something we liked to do was put earmuffs on him, so we could still be the loud fuckers we always have been. She was shouting the lyrics to an old song, and slapping her crossed legs to the beat. I didn't know the words, so I sang a loud chorus of 'dun na na' to the beat, with the occasional 'I don't know the words!'

We were living, going ninety on a deserted road pushing to go faster but our piece of shit truck wouldn't allow for anything faster, even now we were at risk of it shitting out on us. When you're living like this, it's as if no one and nothing can hurt you. That's how we felt, Regina would say that she felt like the world was giving her special attention in those moments.

That was a really beautiful way of looking at life. Where sometimes it feels as if we are unimportant, ugly creatures that live a short and pointless life, it is nice to forget about what the world we live in demands of us, and just live as if it didn't exist. Life is taken too seriously, the rock floating in nothingness hardly cares if we go to work. But, life has been taken too seriously for too long to change anything about it.

Today though, today we could just be free. For the first tim in what felt like fucking forever I wasn't pregnant, I could finally drive, because for a while my stomach would get in the war and my short little legs just wouldn't reach the pedal, It was an ordeal, I was a very large pregnant woman.

I loved to drive, I was good at it, meaning better than Regina, who always got choked up driving any faster than 75. Me, however, I thought that maybe if I drove fast enough, I would start flying.

Not in this piece of shit truck, though. Honestly, it was probably a bad idea in the first place to be going this fast, especially with the child who I had just birthed in the backseat. I would be damn pissed if I had killed him after all that time he spent inside of me. Also, he's going to get an earful, because the entire time he was baking inside of me, I couldn't eat anything enjoyable, except maybe french fries, but they had to be made at an actual restaurant, not fast food. As commanded by Regina.

Regina, who was laughing and trying to sing along to a song that she'd never heard before and the air dries her teeth out and makes her face feel as if it's stretched. I grinned as I pressed down on the brake, seeing as there was a curve in the road a few miles ahead, and slowing this shitbox down would take at least half that.

She pulled her hair up and put her hand on my thigh, I smiled over at her and her smile fell, "eyes on the freaking road!" She yelled.

I laughed and close my eyes, her hand ripped from my leg and gripping the wheel. "Pussy."

"Nyehneh," she mocked. "Sorry I don't want you to kill us with your terrible driving."

I laughed aloud, "me? Terrible?" She nodded, "you wanna drive?" I asked.

"No, thanks." She replied, I heard her turn and stroke Henry's cheek, "he's so little."

I smiled, "yeah," I answered quietly. I couldn't believe that I had a baby, and even more unbelievable, I had a person. I had a family, one that I loved and that I hoped to hell loved me. I think they did, I would like that. I felt so much love, so much that it scared me.

It was fucking terrifying. Scarier than driving 100 down an interstate road at 3 am with broken headlights, scarier than running through the desert on a summer night with no shoes, scarier than all the stupid things I've ever done, and I have done a lot. It was scarier now because now, now I was scared that I could lose this feeling. It was the kind of feeling that can't be described, and I know how I talk about this, like love is the only thing in the world that is worth dying for, and coming from me, it must sound rich. Coming from me, who has almost killed herself twice just to show that she could, that I had the courage.

Love, it is worth dying for. I feel truly, truly sick for the people who could think otherwise. For the people who never had it, not like I do, like lucky people do.