To view the non-sanitized version (the way this fic was originally intended), I have already began to post it on The Writers Coffeeshop website under the same pen name: lmraven.
New York City, Present Day
He sat in the bar dimly lit with hues of red making it look like something out of Dante's Inferno, which was apt since that was the name of the place. He swirled the amber liquid in his glass thoughtfully before taking his final swallow. Holding up two fingers to the bartender indicating a refill, he tossed more money onto the polished wood of the bar top.
The drinks here were overpriced and so were the girls but then again he hadn't had to worry about money since he turned twenty-two. The bar was not well known by outsiders but known in certain circles for catering to all sorts of sexual appetites. Patrons usually came in here for one thing and one thing only and it wasn't the drinks.
Seating was specifically set up for privacy and there was a whole other back area of various playrooms. It could be heaven or hell for a guy like him.
A particularly hot number sidled up near him, tossing her long blonde waves over one shoulder, giving him the predatory cat licking the cream look he recognized so well. His half-lidded eyes perused her up and down. She was all legs and there was no doubt in his mind he could have those legs wrapped around him and her pouty mouth screaming his name in five minutes should he be so inclined. Her crimson painted talons would scratch down his back; giving pleasure and pain. He shivered involuntarily at the thought.
The image, which should have excited him enough to lure her in the back room he utilized so many times before repulsed him instead. The momentary satisfaction wouldn't be worth the empty desolation he would feel for days afterward.
So when she did finally proposition him and though his body wanted her, he declined. His mind and heart just wasn't in it.
He inclined his head and gave her his signature one sided smirk. "Not tonight, sugar."
She shrugged her shoulder causing her breasts to nearly fall out of the tight bodice she wore. "Your loss, sugar."
With one last look at him, she got up and walked away to find another willing taker.
He was a fool to come here tonight of all nights when nothing or no one would satisfy him except for the one person he walked away from all those years ago. He regretted it ever since. He crossed over the billionaire mark but had nothing to show for it except for a lot of material things he didn't really care about, a whole lot of stress and an endless stream of meaningless, empty liaisons that only provided a temporary relief from the darkness that was stamped on his soul, if he had a soul left.
It was her birthday today.
He imagined her celebrating it with a brood of brown haired, doe eyed children surrounding her and a doting husband at her side blowing out twenty eight candles on a chocolate cake. Although he had the means and the opportunity to check up on her over the years, he never did. It was easier to allow that single ray of hope that she was unattached and maybe she was as miserable as he was then confirm that she was happily ensconced in a new life without him.
He always thought she would make a good mother.
He always wanted her to be the mother of his children.
But he royally screwed that up.
And he's been paying for it ever since.
"Happy Birthday, my love." He toasted his glass to no one in particular and took a large gulp, feeling the sweet burn of the alcohol all the way down his throat and promptly walked out of the bar.
He felt restless as the elevator climbed to the penthouse floor, regretting now that he turned the blonde down. Though it would have provided some physical relief it would just be fruitless effort to forget…at least for a little while. He got uncomfortably hot just thinking about it feel the strain against the tight seam of his pants.
But the image changed in his head as soon as he walked into his apartment. The nameless blonde morphed into a brunette whose body he knew as well as his own. Her moans would egg him on as she arched her body into him begging him without words to take her.
He imagined her hot breath on his skin, the soft tendrils of her hair on his thighs, her milky skin where her tan never dared to go.
"Jesus, fuck!" He was slick with sweat and panting heavily as he scrubbed his free hand down his face and through his hair.
The irony wasn't lost on him that he felt more in his two dimensional fantasies of her than he did when he was with warm willing female.
He needed to get a grip on himself and not so literally.
That night he had the dream again…well nightmarish memory really. It hadn't shown itself in months but this time it was more vivid…a play by play of the biggest mistake he had ever made in his life.
Ten years ago
His stepfather beat the shit out of him for the last time. With a swelling eye and a bleeding lip, he shoved everything he could carry into a duffel bag including the two thousand dollars he managed to save, trying to ignore the screaming between his mother and the man who ruined their lives. Opening the window, he threw the bag on the ground and jumped out after it, making a run for his old Chevy before anyone realized he was missing.
White knuckled fingers gripped the steering wheel as he drove to Bella's house. His heart thumping a wild tattoo inside his chest as he threw pebbles at her window and a sigh of relief escaped him as he watched the light in her room come on and the window open.
"Edward?"
God, she was so beautiful with her sleepy eyes and her wild sleep mussed hair against the backlight of her room.
"It's me." He said gruffly. He was purposefully standing in the shadows so she couldn't see him quite yet. "Can you come out?"
"Uh…sure…just give me a sec." She was gone from his view for only a moment before he watched her climb from the window, landing gracefully on her feet, dressed in the sweatshirt she swiped from him, her sleep shorts and fuzzy pink slippers.
They had been together for two years and everyday he still thanked the heavens that she was his. She had brought peace and contentment into his chaotic life and despite all the assholes that desired her, she chose him in all his fucked up glory.
He didn't deserve her, he never had. He was possessive and jealous often leading to vicious arguments that eventually led to his begging for forgiveness and mind blowing make up sex. But that was who they were. He screwed up and she forgave him and all was right in the world.
If he lost her…well he couldn't think about that. It was too painful. He loved her too much. She was as crucial to him as air.
She approached him cautiously, sensing his dangerous mood. It was only until she was standing inches from him that she saw him fully and inhaled sharply.
"What happened?" Her eyes filled up and she went to touch his face with tenderness to absorb the brutality that caused his beautiful face to be marred the way it was but he quickly turned his head to avoid her touch.
"What do you think happened?" He snapped bitterly and immediately regretted using such a harsh tone with her. "I'm sorry."
"He did it again, didn't he…the son of a bitch!" She whispered harshly careful not to alert her sleeping father. "Come inside, let's get you fixed up."
She went to take his hand but he put it in his pocket, avoiding her.
"I'm leaving." He said.
"What?" Her eyes went round in shock.
Edward swallowed past the painful lump in his throat.
"I'm leaving and I want you to come with me."
"Edward…I…" She shook her head.
"I can't live here anymore, Bella. I'll die or maybe I'd kill him if I stay and I'll be damned if I'll let him win like that." Roughly, he placed his hands on her shoulders pulling her toward him. "I want…I need you to come with me."
"My Dad's very sick, Edward. You know that. I can't leave." Her voice was a strangled cry.
"He has Sue and your brother. He'll be fine." He said but he already knew it wouldn't be fine…not for him, not for her. It made him angry.
"It doesn't work like that." She shook her head sadly. "I have to be here in case…well, in case he doesn't get better."
Yeah, he knew that but it didn't make it hurt any less. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to prevent the inevitable tears and wrapped her in his arms.
"You are my heart, Bella and my soul. I don't think I can make it without you."
Bella's small fingers clutched at his jacket inhaling the smell of leather as it mixed with the scent of her salty tears.
"Then don't go." She pleaded, her voice muffled by his hard body. "We'll figure it out together."
He choked back a sob as he rubbed his cheek in her hair. "I have to. I only stayed this long because of you."
It was the truth. He would have hauled his ass out of town the minute he turned eighteen but he had met Bella only a few months before he graduated from high school when she first moved here to be with her dad.
She had only been a sophomore and he was a senior but he fell in love with her instantly. He'd had other girlfriends but with Bella; he knew right away it was the heart stopping forever kind of love…the marrying kind of love.
So he had stayed past graduation, past his birthday. He took classes at the local community college and worked and spent time with Bella. He desperately wanted to move out of his house but he stayed to be the buffer between his mother and the asshole she married.
That had added to his already bitter resentment.
"When are you leaving?" She pulled back from his embrace, her eyes liquid pools of brown.
This was killing him.
"Tonight…now" He said gruffly. "…my stuff is in the car."
"Where will you go?"
He shrugged. "I dunno. Haven't really thought that far ahead yet…maybe New York if the Chevy can make it."
She nodded.
Edward's trembling hands captured a tendril of her hair and tucked it behind her ear before resting his forehead against hers; the pads of his thumbs caressing her cheeks. He desperately wanted her to change her mind but knew she wouldn't.
"Once I'm gone, baby. I'm never looking back."
He wanted it to sound like a threat…to goad her to changing her mind. He should've known it wouldn't have worked. She was just as stubborn as he could be.
She shook her head against his and sobbed. "I guess you have to do what you have to do then."
His own tears fell then. She called his bluff but maybe it wasn't much of a bluff after all.
"Don't." He said through clenched teeth. "Don't act like you don't have a fucking choice."
He heard her suck in her breath sharply through her tears. "And don't act like you didn't make that choice fucking impossible."
She pushed away from him then. He felt the gut wrenching loss immediately. It felt like his soul was being ripped from him.
Maybe it was.
He gave her one last brutal kiss intending to brand her so deep she would never get him out of her system. He ended up branding himself instead.
"Just go, Edward" She sounded defeated. "You made your choice, now you have to live with it."
He drove off into the night and did as he threatened. He never once looked back.
New York City, Present Day
"Hey Edward, have you had a chance to sign off on those figures I gave you for the Volturi Project, yet?"
Edward looked up from the glaring screen of his computer to see his mentor and business partner, Jasper standing in his office doorway.
Jasper was ten years his senior. He had taken a scraggly kid he saw potential in off the streets and gave him a job, a chance and a place to crash. They had been friends ever since; climbing their way up the corporate ladder of success very quickly.
Edward sighed and raked his hand through his hair. "Not yet."
In truth he had been doing nothing all morning but weighing the pros and cons of trying to track Bella down; if only to give himself some closure. He had woken up in a cold sweat, gasping for air with images of her running through his head.
He hadn't been able to concentrate on anything since.
Jasper walked into the office,closing the door behind him.
"Jesus, you look like shit. Rough night with a rowdy blonde?"
"Not even close." He muttered.
"Well, you have two weeks to get your act together. We have a date."
Edward smirked. "Sorry, Jazz but I don't swing that way."
"Not me, you asshole." Jasper grinned. "A double date…you, me, two hot chics."
He stiffened. He didn't do dates. Ever. Jasper knew that.
"No." His tone indicated finality.
Jasper sat down on the couch he had in the office. Obviously he was not ready to take no for an answer.
"Look, kid, I know you don't date…ever. But I met this really great girl and she wants to go out with me too."
"I fail to see what I have to do with your love life."
"I'm getting to that." Jazz rolled his eyes. "Anyway, her best friend from college is moving to town for a new job and Alice doesn't want her to spend her first weekend here alone. So she said she'd go out with me only if we'd make it a double."
"You can't get anyone else to go with you?"
"You're the only single unattached guy I know. Besides, you don't know how long it took me to convince her to go out with me in the first place, I can't back out now."
"Well, you do have a reputation of being somewhat of a slut."
"No more than you." He leaned forward, a quiet desperation on his face. "I really like her, Ed."
"Fine." He answered tersely. "Who am I to get in the way of true love? But if this girl is a dog, you owe me big time."
"She's not." Jasper denied emphatically. " I wouldn't' do that to you. I made Alice show me a picture."
"And?"
"She's smoking hot. If I weren't so hung up on a date with Allie, I'd do her in a second. She's petite with just the right amount on top, if you know what I mean and an ass that just won't quit. Her brown eyes suck you in and her hair, Jesus…long, brown waves…."
Edward heard enough. "Forget it. I'm not going."
"What is it with you and your hatred for brunettes?"
He didn't hate brunettes, that was the problem. There was only one brunette he ever wanted, however. Every woman he'd had since he left had been either a blonde or a red head. He wanted to escape far from anything that reminded him of Bella. He made the mistake once of screwing a brunette. He was drunk out of his mind and missing her.
He treated her roughly, he remembered that much; wanting her to pay in Bella's place for all the pain she caused him by not leaving with him, wanting the girl to pay for not being the one he wanted in the first place. He screamed out Bella's name in release and the stupid chic thought he was calling her 'beautiful' in Italian. He went home for the first time feeling like he truly cheated on Bella. He felt dirty and sick to his stomach. He never went after another brunette again.
Jasper didn't know about Bella. It was the one part of his past he didn't know. Edward wanted to keep that to himself.
"Forget it." Edward said. "Just tell me where and when…I'll be there."
He just hoped he didn't regret it.
Edward was so wound up by lunch, he found himself at Dante's Inferno again for the second time in two days after vowing not to come back. The bar was surprisingly busy but they just started serving food, mostly typical bar fare so maybe that was the draw. He didn't want food.
He sat down at a table in the back corner. It was dark but he could see everyone that came in. Nursing his Scotch, he waited.
He didn't have to wait for long before an exotic red head sat next to him. No pleasantries were exchanged. He didn't ask her name. He didn't want to know.
Her long fingers stroked him through his suit. He was straining against her expert touch.
"Already so ready." She whispered in a husky voice with a foreign accent he couldn't place.
"It's all for you, baby" He arched his hips upward slightly.
"Do you want to go in the back?" She asked him before sucking on the lobe of his ear.
"I want it right here." He demanded.
If she was shocked, she didn't show it.
While she was busy stroking him slowly, he slid his hand up her thigh and under her skirt.
No underwear.
She moaned long and low.
When she leaned over to kiss him, he jerked away. He never kissed any of them. Period.
It was the one part of his physical body that still belonged to Bella, aside from his heart.
Surprised, she pulled back, only to suck in his neck instead.
"No marks." He growled. It was another thing he did not allow.
She was writhing her body against him before she gave him a glazed eyed look and sunk down under the table.
He couldn't do this anymore, he thought as he clenched his eyes shut in shame even as pleasure took him over.
Taking a napkin from the table, he wiped himself clean while she excused herself for the ladies room. Pulling out a hundred from his wallet, he left it on the table and walked towards the door, stopping when he saw the owner.
"I'm withdrawing my membership." He told Dante, handing him the black plastic membership card.
He had to do it. He made up his mind to find Bella. He had to clean his shit up before he did...starting now.
Dante raised one eyebrow and watched him walk out the door and into the daylight.
"You went to Dante's again, didn't you?" Jazz's accusing glare met him as soon as he walked back in the office.
"How could you tell?"
"You always have this look of self loathing when you come back...like you've just cheated on your wife or something." He gripped his shoulder, a look of concern on his face. "Look man, I don't know what the hell kind of demons you're trying to exorcise but you're not going to do it there."
Edward shrugged him off. "Ironic, huh? Since you're the one that introduced me to it in the first place." His tone was bitter.
He remembered the first time Jasper brought him there vividly. He was shocked and disgusted by what he saw at first. A few drinks later and he was turned on. He ended up in one of the back play rooms with two blondes doing things he never imagined himself doing.
He hated himself afterwards, sobbing his eyes out because in his mind he betrayed the only one he would ever love but it didn't stop him from going back so far down the rabbit hole, he didn't deserve to climb back out.
"It was for the clients and investors." Jazz shouted at him. "To loosen them up...get them to spend more money on us...not for you to play out your fantasies on some faceless whores. Jesus, Edward...get a girlfriend like normal people. In the ten years I've known you, I have never once see you date anybody...and lots of girls have tried."
"Then you'll be happy to know, I withdrew my membership. I'm done with Dante's"
Saying the words out loud made him feel lighter...freer.